One of these is not like the others...
This is a little out of place, even for me. I havn't written on this thing in what, over a year? But I'm back in that oh familiar rutt and cannot find solace in a person so I went searching on the internet (chat rooms were not involved) I was reading some old blogs on my myspace when I was struck with a ponder, my livejournal! So I came back here and read through some old entries and a calm seeped into me. I was talking to William last night and he told me that I have changed from the girl in glasses with long hair that he remembers and I countered him - but I relize he was right to an extent. I have changed. Not in my beliefs or hobbies or morals or anything of that sort but in general. I still have the same style, same taste in music, same passions but re-reading my old entries a noticed a part of my voice is different. Something between the lines is now gone. Re-reading some of the things I used to write pleased me, made me smile, made me sit there a second and go, oh yeah, I used to love to write and I used to be fluid with it. I think after so much structure and planning that I lost that initial core that is what motivated me to write and that is where my block is coming from. My last entry was so angry, so hateful (its privatized so you can't see it nanny nanny) but that hate is dissapated. Oh, shes fucked up more since then but there is this calm disintrest in me. My silliness is still here, I am as big a dork as every, but a hint of my sarcasm, my humor I think is missing. Or, maybe just lying dormant. I've been struggling with a lot of things in the past couple of weeks from people, work, myself and stressing out so much about them that I think I forgot to just take a moment. Like these entries, they'll be there when I get back if I let them. My father's pain with be there for a long while and the best I can do for him is simply be there. Alex will always be cruel and self absorbed no matter what I do and I can worry for her and the baby but the best I can to do is let her be assured that if she truely needs help, she has it. And Nik, the new one in the picture, the only way I can show you that I truely care is to let you pull away from me and come back when you're ready.
Hmmm...the calm's returned. I feel a quieting. Hopefully, if I nurture that old voice it will come back to me. Because, as angry as I was back then I liked me - I had a good strong voice that I think is wavering a little now. My dad said it best when I was talking to him yestereday about some stuff that has transpired, "remember, you're Erika, you're beautiful, you're strong". Its happened to me a few times where I forget the strength of my own spirit and realize that I can rely, be comforted, and seek solace solely within myself. I will always be a solitary person, that is my nature, but I think the key to my happiness resides in my ability to remember that I am content in my selfsufficency.
Little engine that could, eat your heart out.
Now I'm getting to mushy and insightful for my own good. Time to drink a sangria, get some cereal, nurse this sore throat and go back into myself.
LOVE!
Hmmm...the calm's returned. I feel a quieting. Hopefully, if I nurture that old voice it will come back to me. Because, as angry as I was back then I liked me - I had a good strong voice that I think is wavering a little now. My dad said it best when I was talking to him yestereday about some stuff that has transpired, "remember, you're Erika, you're beautiful, you're strong". Its happened to me a few times where I forget the strength of my own spirit and realize that I can rely, be comforted, and seek solace solely within myself. I will always be a solitary person, that is my nature, but I think the key to my happiness resides in my ability to remember that I am content in my selfsufficency.
Little engine that could, eat your heart out.
Now I'm getting to mushy and insightful for my own good. Time to drink a sangria, get some cereal, nurse this sore throat and go back into myself.
LOVE!