The First Time
Title: The First Time
Pairing or Characters: Noel/Julian
Summary: Everyone remembers their first time, including Julian
Word Count: 1,033
Rating: PG-13 (to be safe)
Warnings: RPF
Disclaimer: As far as I know, Noel and Julian own themselves and are definitely not mine - the content/events here are purely fictional and a result of a fairly twisted imagination. No harm intended, the author is writing for fun and no profit.
The first time it happens, Noel starts it. Julian’s just come off stage and he’s caught off guard. He doesn’t really know how he’s supposed to respond or what he’s supposed to do. It all feels strange and new, like pair of shoes he hasn’t broken in yet or those suits they want him to wear sometimes. Julian’s unsure, and that in and of itself a relatively new thing to be experiencing. He’s worked hard for a long time to be sure of things, to understand them, and he’s taken on the role of teaching others from time to time. But things with Noel are…different. Just when Julian thinks he knows the wild eyed child with the backwards hair there’s another twist or turn to navigate. It’s fun and exciting mostly. This? This is something else. Something that doesn’t have name yet.
Noel has done it before. Julian’s watched him a few times, the way Noel nonchalantly goes about it as though he were doing the laundry or making tea. It always looks so natural for him, Julian thinks, like he was born with the working knowledge of how to conduct himself in such a situation. Julian on the other hand is quietly channeling his inner Howard. He would like a roadmap. And detailed, written instructions. And a little pocket manual, if it’s not too much trouble, to keep with him so he can refer to it as needed for tips and tricks and reminders about how everything works. A lot of Howard’s little neurosis are based on Julian’s uncertainty the first time it happened.
It’s not really all that new, Julian tells himself. The words bounce around and echo in a hollow space between his ears which was previously, Julian’s fairly certain, occupied by his brain. Like any child it was something he learned about early, though that was different of course. It wasn’t something he did with his mates. He learned about doing it with girls; something to be done with pretty girls he fancied, he was told. So he practiced it with them after they’d gotten to know one another a bit and he learned how to still his fluttering heart while it happened. The first time it happens with Noel, he loses the sure footing he’s held for so long. It’s quite early in their - relationship? Julian’s can’t quite figure out the term to use anymore, now that it’s started happening.
It scares Julian a little, how easy it is for Noel. He wonders how many others Noel has done this with and what it’s meant to him each time. The easy, gliding sensation of Noel’s skin against his own makes Julian’s heart clamber inside the boney cage that contains it. He thinks back to that anatomy book he read one night when he couldn’t sleep. How strong are person’s ribs again? Can they hold up against the battering ram he seems to have within him? His stomach alternates between trying to melt into the floor and demonstrating just how acrobatic a human organ can be. His mind is racing but the thoughts are fuzzy if they’re there at all. Noel tightens around him where they’re joined and suddenly Julian finds he’s forgotten how to breathe. He knows it then - he’s lost himself completely. He has to rely on Noel to pull him back. Which is weird, Julian recognizes when he reflects back on it. Perhaps that was part of what made him stutter the first time, that for so long Julian had been the more experienced one and, yet, there was Noel taking the lead.
Julian can’t stop looking at Noel the first time it happens, staring at his face and then shifting his gaze down to where their bodies are touching. They could stay like this forever, Julian realizes, and he’s not sure he’d mind. Suddenly he’s quite nervous. What if, in his ineptitude and inexperience, he fucks this up? He’s tense and terrified of failing Noel in this moment. It’s a fear made that much stronger when Julian becomes cognizant of the fact that he doesn’t know what Noel wants from him - to be a passive participant? Take a more active role? Shit - how does he do that?
So they practice. It gets easier and Julian’s comfort level increases. In time he learns how everything fits together and how long it should last and what he can do to make it more fun or exciting for Noel. Little things like running his thumb along that soft patch of Noel’s skin he can reach without too much effort. He finds that sometimes Noel likes to use two hands, other times one, and that either is just fine with Julian. He gets lessons in where fingers go and what feels comfortable to both of them. Julian also learns what not to do, what hurts Noel or leaves marks on his tender body. He starts keeping his nails shorter and tries not to wear rings anymore. Noel wears enough for them both and Julian found out the hard way that they can cause bruises of their own when there’s a firm grip involved.
It doesn’t scare Julian anymore, because it’s easy for him now too. He knows how many others Noel has done it with, he even still watches it happen sometimes. Julian’s learned there’s a difference, knows that when Noel does it with him there’s a deeper meaning attached. His heart still flutters and his stomach somersaults when it happens, and Julian discovers those are good things. He understands what it means now and he doesn’t try to calm himself down because, well, he doesn’t really want or need to. Julian doesn’t even need to look at Noel in order to navigate the act anymore. He just smiles softly as he senses two small hands reaching for his larger one, feeling them barely wrapping around it and then giving them a squeeze as the whole pile lands in Noel’s lap. That’s when Julian’s quiet smile becomes a broad grin.
Yes, Julian’s quite adept at the whole thing now. Now he can even find Noel just as easily as Noel found him, that first time they held hands.