ONE YEAR LATER
This may be the longest I've gone without updating this thing at all. Probably because: grad school eats your life. The grad school I went to in particular not only did that but did so in a pretty disrespectful, sanity-breaking way. Especially the last semester. But also because I forgot about it. But maybe I'll return, because this is one of the more private spaces I have left to talk about my life, especially at length.
I feel like one way or another I documented most of the past year, whether through journal entries as assignments (internships), complaints on twitter, my terrifyingly full calendar, or an honest-to-god written down on paper journal. The last one I started on New Year's Day because of the existential horror provoked in me after watching True Grit. "Remember your life!" has kind of become an in-joke between Skot and I over the past couple of years, but it's also become kind of a source of worry. So I started out updating every day and managed to do that for I think about two or three months. But then the semester proved to be the worst one so far, and I just couldn't bear to recall each day long enough to record it. By this point I've fallen out of the habit, which is kind of unfortunate because after the really awful stuff happened some really good things also happened that I was just too tired and distracted to record in real time. Some of those are:
1) GRADUATED. I received my goddamn master's degree. Even though it's in a pretty specific and underpaid field, I feel really accomplished. I got a lot done and learned a lot and pushed my boundaries, despite all the shitty shit the program threw at us students all the time, and despite the fact that I could have done a lot less work and still graduated.
2) Went to a counselor for the first time. I did this way too late (the last month of school), but at least I did it. Which is more than I can say for last time I got depressed. It was a really positive experience. It's one thing to know a lot about psychology because of school and a personal interest, and it's another to explore or be told how it applies to YOU and YOUR BRAIN. I'm not saying it totally changed my life - graduating solved most of my problems by finally getting me out of a toxic situation - but I came away with an idea of how my brain and emotions work both for and against me, and that's something.
3) Got married. It kind of went by in a blur, and I was distracted by the photography stuff, but it was a wonderful, unique wedding in a beautiful (free) setting. The person who officiated was amazing. Just so flexible and able to direct people and able to understand and facilitate everything we wanted. Skot's speech made almost everyone cry. His sister went all-out on planning, decorating, and running the wedding. I think my parents, who we'd kept mostly at bay, were somewhat surprised but in good ways. And it was really, really great to see friends. I got to spend a lot of time with Laura even after the wedding and that was refreshing. Nice to remember that my life and my social circle existed outside of grad school. Mostly entirely outside of it. Nice to be loved and to love others.
4) Honeymoon! We Disney'ed it up, which is not exactly what I would have guessed I would do, but it was actually pretty cool. An interesting study in visitor experience and a fun time with just Skot. I think the amount of time was perfect. Unfortunately I picked up a bug at the tail end that I'm still fighting.
One other thing happened that has been a mixed bag. I graduated believing that we would go wherever I got a job, and that I could look almost anywhere for that job. But two days after that, Skot walked into his friend's workplace and walked out with a job that pays about 10,000 more a year than anything I'll be able to get. He says that he doesn't mind giving that up whenever I get something and moving and continuing with our plan, so in his eyes it changes nothing other than alleviating financial stress during my underemployment. In my opinion it complicates things because now the most advantageous thing we could do is for me to get work close to where we are now. Which is very few positions, or positions outside of my field. Anyway, it guarantees that I'm going to be one of the last people in my class to get a job. Or so it feels.
Anyway I have other things (and resting) to do today. Who knows when I'll be back...
I feel like one way or another I documented most of the past year, whether through journal entries as assignments (internships), complaints on twitter, my terrifyingly full calendar, or an honest-to-god written down on paper journal. The last one I started on New Year's Day because of the existential horror provoked in me after watching True Grit. "Remember your life!" has kind of become an in-joke between Skot and I over the past couple of years, but it's also become kind of a source of worry. So I started out updating every day and managed to do that for I think about two or three months. But then the semester proved to be the worst one so far, and I just couldn't bear to recall each day long enough to record it. By this point I've fallen out of the habit, which is kind of unfortunate because after the really awful stuff happened some really good things also happened that I was just too tired and distracted to record in real time. Some of those are:
1) GRADUATED. I received my goddamn master's degree. Even though it's in a pretty specific and underpaid field, I feel really accomplished. I got a lot done and learned a lot and pushed my boundaries, despite all the shitty shit the program threw at us students all the time, and despite the fact that I could have done a lot less work and still graduated.
2) Went to a counselor for the first time. I did this way too late (the last month of school), but at least I did it. Which is more than I can say for last time I got depressed. It was a really positive experience. It's one thing to know a lot about psychology because of school and a personal interest, and it's another to explore or be told how it applies to YOU and YOUR BRAIN. I'm not saying it totally changed my life - graduating solved most of my problems by finally getting me out of a toxic situation - but I came away with an idea of how my brain and emotions work both for and against me, and that's something.
3) Got married. It kind of went by in a blur, and I was distracted by the photography stuff, but it was a wonderful, unique wedding in a beautiful (free) setting. The person who officiated was amazing. Just so flexible and able to direct people and able to understand and facilitate everything we wanted. Skot's speech made almost everyone cry. His sister went all-out on planning, decorating, and running the wedding. I think my parents, who we'd kept mostly at bay, were somewhat surprised but in good ways. And it was really, really great to see friends. I got to spend a lot of time with Laura even after the wedding and that was refreshing. Nice to remember that my life and my social circle existed outside of grad school. Mostly entirely outside of it. Nice to be loved and to love others.
4) Honeymoon! We Disney'ed it up, which is not exactly what I would have guessed I would do, but it was actually pretty cool. An interesting study in visitor experience and a fun time with just Skot. I think the amount of time was perfect. Unfortunately I picked up a bug at the tail end that I'm still fighting.
One other thing happened that has been a mixed bag. I graduated believing that we would go wherever I got a job, and that I could look almost anywhere for that job. But two days after that, Skot walked into his friend's workplace and walked out with a job that pays about 10,000 more a year than anything I'll be able to get. He says that he doesn't mind giving that up whenever I get something and moving and continuing with our plan, so in his eyes it changes nothing other than alleviating financial stress during my underemployment. In my opinion it complicates things because now the most advantageous thing we could do is for me to get work close to where we are now. Which is very few positions, or positions outside of my field. Anyway, it guarantees that I'm going to be one of the last people in my class to get a job. Or so it feels.
Anyway I have other things (and resting) to do today. Who knows when I'll be back...