This year
This year has been soo hard...
moving away from home, all my friends going every which way, leaving everything behind that was the most important things to me... starting college being alone most of the year... watching the person you love be with someone else, AGAIN... hearing all the "truths" start to come out from the wrong people.. being blamed for things that were never said or never happened... being caught in drama that wasnt mine... losing friends... "losing the world series"... kissing a new boy lol which was good until you realize it wasnt the person you wanted it to be.. hearing a lot of stuff you didnt want to hear at the totally worst moments they could be said... going home and nothing changing...
and millions of more things that I got hit over the head with
coming off of a high from senior year and senior summer I was soo happy, then all of this hit me like a ton of bricks... This year has been hard and I have been trying to handle it the best I could... I almost lost my scholarships from being soo blank minded... fainted walking back from class from lack of sleep and just lack of being in my body in general... I am ready for this year to be over and a new one to come....
I am sick of trying my hardest and nothing working out the way I want it to.. I have learned a lot about myself being out here by myself... Ive learned that I depend too much on other ppl for my own happiness.. I know I do this yet I cant stop it... I have learned who my true friends are and I have learned I am not as strong as I thought and say I was.... I have learned that I still know nothing about the real world nor am I ready for it...
I am ready for someone to honestly care about me in a way that I can tell that they are sincere... I am ready to be out of drama.. Im ready for people to stop thinking badly about me and that I am some sort of homewrecker... I am honestly sick of tricking myself to think "its ok" when it is obviously not...
I dont lieing to people and I am not very good at it to begin with.. I hate leading ppl to believe that I am ok with what they are saying when all I want to do is hang up and cry... somethings are just not things I want to/ need to hear... somethings are better left unsaid... somethings should have been said sooner
I am also sick of my roommate telling me that I push people away... how I never give ppl a chance... she basically knows nothing about me or anything I have gone through.. obviously I dont trust people for a reason.. I will get over that in my own time... just cuz I dont leave waiters my number doesnt mean I block people out of my life... just cuz the person that likes me is annoying and I dont like him doesnt make me some evil person that doesnt give anybody a chance... She is making me feel like such a bad person and I cant get over it... maybe I am and just oblivious to what the heck I do to ppl...I feel like I give ppl a chance but pull out of the situation either b4 I hurt them by leading them on when I know I dont like them .. or b4 I get hurt.... I dont see what is wrong with that.. I feel like that is a chance.. I would rather someone not lead me on than lead me on and me getting hurt... In anything I do I treat ppl like I would like to be treated... so I'm sorry if I have feelings for another person and cant do anything with anyone else, it makes me sick... SORRY... SORRY I'm not a slut and follow your 5 makeout boys rule... sorry I just want a relationship and not a fuck buddy... SORRY THAT I'M NOT YOU... If you knew anything youd know I like your boyfriend more than anyone else that I have met and am respecting you by not talking to him... according to your rules I shouldnt care and just jump on him... but no Im not liek that... I respect you and your feelings so I back away and leave the situation and treat him as just a friend... since he reminds me of my friends who I miss dearly
The hardest thing I have learned was just a few nights ago.. I have always known this is the back of my head but it really broke me down the other day... the people that I need in my life right now... i know that I will not need them a little longer... it breaks my heart but I honestly dont see how that situation will work out... we will end up either fading away or waiting until later to be friends again.. i know this... i understand it and there is no possible way I can stop it... its just what is going to happen. I can feel it
This summer will be good hopefully... I want to get another job, for money purposes and just to meet more people... I know its up to me to go out there and make friends... which is hard at a school surrounded by the type of ppl you hate.... SALESMEN...
idk I am not in the mood to write anymore... I am kinda getting more upset talking about it
I just need to be around my friends... free this weekend if anyone wants to come up.. cuz I dont have the money or sanity to stay this weekend at my house
moving away from home, all my friends going every which way, leaving everything behind that was the most important things to me... starting college being alone most of the year... watching the person you love be with someone else, AGAIN... hearing all the "truths" start to come out from the wrong people.. being blamed for things that were never said or never happened... being caught in drama that wasnt mine... losing friends... "losing the world series"... kissing a new boy lol which was good until you realize it wasnt the person you wanted it to be.. hearing a lot of stuff you didnt want to hear at the totally worst moments they could be said... going home and nothing changing...
and millions of more things that I got hit over the head with
coming off of a high from senior year and senior summer I was soo happy, then all of this hit me like a ton of bricks... This year has been hard and I have been trying to handle it the best I could... I almost lost my scholarships from being soo blank minded... fainted walking back from class from lack of sleep and just lack of being in my body in general... I am ready for this year to be over and a new one to come....
I am sick of trying my hardest and nothing working out the way I want it to.. I have learned a lot about myself being out here by myself... Ive learned that I depend too much on other ppl for my own happiness.. I know I do this yet I cant stop it... I have learned who my true friends are and I have learned I am not as strong as I thought and say I was.... I have learned that I still know nothing about the real world nor am I ready for it...
I am ready for someone to honestly care about me in a way that I can tell that they are sincere... I am ready to be out of drama.. Im ready for people to stop thinking badly about me and that I am some sort of homewrecker... I am honestly sick of tricking myself to think "its ok" when it is obviously not...
I dont lieing to people and I am not very good at it to begin with.. I hate leading ppl to believe that I am ok with what they are saying when all I want to do is hang up and cry... somethings are just not things I want to/ need to hear... somethings are better left unsaid... somethings should have been said sooner
I am also sick of my roommate telling me that I push people away... how I never give ppl a chance... she basically knows nothing about me or anything I have gone through.. obviously I dont trust people for a reason.. I will get over that in my own time... just cuz I dont leave waiters my number doesnt mean I block people out of my life... just cuz the person that likes me is annoying and I dont like him doesnt make me some evil person that doesnt give anybody a chance... She is making me feel like such a bad person and I cant get over it... maybe I am and just oblivious to what the heck I do to ppl...I feel like I give ppl a chance but pull out of the situation either b4 I hurt them by leading them on when I know I dont like them .. or b4 I get hurt.... I dont see what is wrong with that.. I feel like that is a chance.. I would rather someone not lead me on than lead me on and me getting hurt... In anything I do I treat ppl like I would like to be treated... so I'm sorry if I have feelings for another person and cant do anything with anyone else, it makes me sick... SORRY... SORRY I'm not a slut and follow your 5 makeout boys rule... sorry I just want a relationship and not a fuck buddy... SORRY THAT I'M NOT YOU... If you knew anything youd know I like your boyfriend more than anyone else that I have met and am respecting you by not talking to him... according to your rules I shouldnt care and just jump on him... but no Im not liek that... I respect you and your feelings so I back away and leave the situation and treat him as just a friend... since he reminds me of my friends who I miss dearly
The hardest thing I have learned was just a few nights ago.. I have always known this is the back of my head but it really broke me down the other day... the people that I need in my life right now... i know that I will not need them a little longer... it breaks my heart but I honestly dont see how that situation will work out... we will end up either fading away or waiting until later to be friends again.. i know this... i understand it and there is no possible way I can stop it... its just what is going to happen. I can feel it
This summer will be good hopefully... I want to get another job, for money purposes and just to meet more people... I know its up to me to go out there and make friends... which is hard at a school surrounded by the type of ppl you hate.... SALESMEN...
idk I am not in the mood to write anymore... I am kinda getting more upset talking about it
I just need to be around my friends... free this weekend if anyone wants to come up.. cuz I dont have the money or sanity to stay this weekend at my house