beautiful friend
there are times in a man's life when his self reflections do nothing more than echo the thoughts he has in those moments.
yes, i will be better.
yes, i can change.
i'm in love.
i'm hurt.
i hate you.
considering my deeds, it can be argued that i'm the last person deserving of pity, or even self-pity, yet i figure that misery or pain is not a contest and if it were, no one can win. thus, deserving is a moot point. i really did argue this with myself.
not long ago, i fell ill and instead of telling anyone, i pushed through it as best i could. a year ago, i would have asked for help. i would have asked for food or juice or whatever would help. a blanket. a hand against a warm forehead, concern conveyed by a tender touch.
i would have sneezed on someone in their sleep without regret.
the worse i felt, the less i tried being around or trying to share much of anything unless i could make it positive. i dwelled on those closest to me, the ones that i was always so transparent to. if they saw me, could they tell there was something else wrong? surely, i thought with confidence while trying to ignore that no one would have the chance right then.
the lack of motivation for anything besides work and nursing my own health -good and badly- took a toll. the more i tried to find something positive, the more it eluded me. i saw photos of myself with a few friends and the look in my eyes... i could tell.
the other day, i got some news. neither good nor bad. just news. the house sold and i had a month to find a new place. it was necessary; this is not really my place, i just borrowed some time so i didn't have to be mature. i started packing and found memories. i claim i'm not a sentimental person, but i am. i keep things. the more i scattered them across the bedroom floor, the more i looked, the more i saw things i didn't want to see.
i saw a man who couldn't compromise. who could disregard thoughts and emotions. who could be unyeilding without regret. i saw mistakes i'd made not because i was naive as i once thought, but because i was immature and, ultimately, selfish.
oh but everyone is in their own way, right? sure, but probably not to the extent i have been.
pictures were crushed. torn. thrown. gifts or mementos broken or attempted to be. innocuous things that had the unfortunate time and placement to become a catalyst from which there was no escape. i think i tried. i think the fury given to things simply because they're tied to one's memories is testament enough that the self-reflection was not a positive look.
i woke up in the middle of the multitude of strewn items, sicker in heart and spirit with lethargy to hamper the body. to the end, i denied.
i burned some things. some things couldn't burn and seemed to mock me because of it. perhaps they were defiant to an end i couldn't give them. and in thinking that, i think part of me was done denying anything. it was a black epiphany.
rather than say what that night and morning were like, i leave it to your imagination.
what remained of those past and innocent things, i packed safely and set aside. i started working on everything that i wouldn't need up until i had to leave and i felt stronger for it. but things plagued me and plague me still.
i can't say i'm sorry to the people i have hurt. i can't excuse myself for 'being me' when it wasn't about 'being me', but being an ass. i can't tell this person i was too scared. or this other that i forgive them. i can't ask forgiveness of one. i can't ask you to hope.
a long time ago, i told a wise man that i wanted to be a better person. 'you're already a good man, ne. stay true,' he said. in a sense, i realize that who i am to most people can be seen as a good person. i'm glad that i can be.
though we all have that one group who know us best and to those precious few, they know our faults as much as our assets. they guide us, teach us and learn from us. to so few, i was always transparent. they always knew where my shortcomings were and i think most simply accepted me despite the times that i had hurt them, in large or small ways.
but there was always one person i could hide from. lie to. who could be fooled into thinking i was the misunderstood one, not a bad person.
me. i was always the blind one.
for being transparent, you would think that along the way those little nudges or jabs - or knives - would actually have sunk in.
it took some mythical alignment of planets. of a fortune told and finally achieved. the proper incantation to open a magical box.
those would probably be more believable than sitting on the floor in the midst of memories. stars in my heavens and only then did i see the constellation of my folly.
self-realization is a terrible thing. when all that's left in its wake is... i don't know. i can't begin to define it.
but in all these things that have come to pass, i have come to accept that it's my fault that i have caused chaos to the lives of those i cherished most. that i have become too shallow of a friend to have a single person actually spend time with me beyond being stood up or given vague promises of 'someday'. that i had been waiting for that one chance only to realize too late that i had already ruined it 'being myself'.
how to become a better man, though. how to be the better person, better friend. better prospect of being someone's other half?
i must admit, mulling this over caused as much anguish as that epiphany. i didn't know.
then one night, i dreamed i was in a ritual to claim something as a rite of passage. something along those lines. a number of us were to pick an item and i chose a copper mug that seemed filled with tea. but someone else looked like he might take it first and rather than wait for the ritual to be complete, i took the mug. they were just words being said, nothing more, i felt. panic ensued and a dragon made of fire came from the wall and chased me. i ran and hid but there was no shelter from something that can seep into cracks or break down walls. when i gave up to face the consequences, the fire consumed me and in feeling flame burning me, i woke up in a panic. but i'd also fallen off the bed face first and a lot of things hurt because of it.
that seemed to epitomize what i'd done and why such anguish should be expected. lasting, at that. that dream stuck with me until i correlated it to myself because it seemed as though my sleeping self was making a point i could only understand in circumstances so vivid. in life, i haven't been patient or respectful about many things no matter who it burned. i don't know that i've ever really had to face such drastic consequences because i don't think i've ever accepted fault could be mine. i could hurt, but that didn't mean that i accepted any fault and i'm sure that was as much aggravation to the people telling me truths i didn't fully try to understand.
i thought about this for what felt like a long time. i realized that there is no becoming the person i want to be. i have to be that man now. not for anyone because there's probably no one who would want to reap any benefit. if that's who i want to be for anyone, there is no transition. no trial and error.
although, i will say. in the last week, i've tried. or done, i suppose. i've avoided doing things i would have done flippantly a week ago. i have been pleased with myself about other things but it's also been lonely because to gloat about it, even like this, feels like cheating. i'm saying it here because...
i will show you a man who is worthy. worthy of what is up to you. for the moment, i will be a person in mourning over memories i can't let go yet and who is masochistic enough to appreciate the ache because it tells me that i am capable of feeling deeply.
part of me hopes that in this time of mourning, some little spark happens somewhere. part of me hopes that in the end, i stop feeling or wanting romantic affection. a big part of me is a romantic at heart though. i don't want to lose any part of me. the important parts anyway.
part of me simply wants to be a worthy friend.
and... maybe our paths won't be together in the future, however we move forward from this moment. but should we ever part, i hope to be remembered as a valued part of your life. that is my most sincere wish.
i love you
.Die
this may be here always or removed tomorrow. but it's here now and that's what's important to me.