(no subject)

[ycantidie]

I'm such a sad human being. God should forsake me. I'm lazy and I complain. I'm so lazy. I'm shirking off all my responsibilities. I'm bad. I missed my training. Im not studying. It's like I like being and living in sloth. I'm not clean and I never will be ever again. I have committed a grave mortal sin. I love the fact that I have done so, in some senses of course. I continue to just take pride and bathe myself in my sin and to continually sin and love every minute of it. I don't know what to do. My future half is up in the air. I am clinging to one who's heart soars high but whose everything else plummits far below. I live in my dreams. I used to dream every night of a city and world that doesn't exist. The old Republic of Darkness. A fantasy world where I would trade my very soul to reside in. Where I would be queen and he would be my king and we would dwell in prosperity for eternity for we would never fade away but shine, shine forevermore. When will my searching ever stop? Now that I have found my soulmate, my searching had stopped but that is of the heart. What of the mind? My mind searches forevermore. Into the depths of this very chasm we call reality. I hate the Western lands of yore. I hate the dreaded Central buildings of the sky. I hate the very foundations of education that has so failed my adored one. I hate that I live in my mind. Why do I appear so normal on the outside? Will one day, my madness consume me and in my rantings and raves I cry out "ycantidie" and then people see how my mind has deteriorated? My secret ruminations of decrepit phantasma that is my graveyard of the unborn ideas of my mind. My neighbourhood #3.

Why can't I just fall in the street one day, but rather than remaining solid upon hitting concrete... just burst like a drop of water and melt away and dissolve?

"Did you find the answer yer been lookin for?"
"No. Don't think I ever will"