(no subject)
i can barely think right now, let alone keep myself from crying.
yesterday was...a really rough day, to say the least.
first, joey and i got into an argument about being jealous, basically. there's a guy we both know from school who we're pretty sure likes me and he's pretty flirty. well he graduated and moved to raleigh and i was talking to him via facebook and joey didn't like the way he was talking to me. so i told him i was uncomfortable with him hanging out with his ex-girlfriend while he's home, but i trust him. and it kinda escalated from there, which i got upset about. but i started to feel better as the day went on.
just as i was getting excited about spending the night with joey and i was almost out of work, we were told that our friend, kristina, has passed away that morning. i got home and we didn't even say anything to each other. we just laid together for a while. but joey wanted to get out the house and get going to keep busy. so we went to target and bought our cameras, but it started raining.
we went home to look up indoor places to go online. we didn't really find anything, but decided to go to village gate. before we went, we decided to eat at olive garden since we weren't gonna walk on park ave in the rain. it was really good, of course. dinner was probably the only good part of the entire day. we talked about when we first started hanging out and how he stole me away. it was pretty funny.
then we went to village gate, but it was just turning 6 o'clock and all the shops were closing. so we walked around for like 10 minutes and took a few pictures. then we looked for the legal wall and failed and decided to just go home. he didn't want to walk around highland park in the rain, like i did. on the way home he pulled into the dollar theatre and told me he was being spontaneous. we went inside and found out "knowing" was starting soon, so we decided to stay and see it. at that point, i couldn't hold myself together anymore and i was getting really upset about kristina and the day being ruined. i can only pretend everything is okay for so long.
the movie was really good until the very end when it turned into this super religious bullshit with a parody of noah's ark and angels and the garden of eden. i was pissed, but i had heard about it before, so i was expecting it. it was also not a good movie to see yesterday because it had a lot about people dying and toward the end the girl gets into a car accident with a truck and it was really hard to watch that whole scene.
after the movie, we went home and joey begged me to go to wing night so we could get out of the house and keep busy. but i knew i wouldn't be able to keep it together, especially being around people i normally see kristina around. i would have lost it. and it would have been in a bar, in public. no thanks. so we stayed home.
then joey got a text from his brother saying something along the lines of he knew joey was having a bad day, but he hoped that he could make it a little better by telling him that joey was going to be an uncle. his brother texted him again and said that he loved him and didn't want joey to be mad at him anymore. at that point, joey lost it. i've ever seen him like that before. he was really upset. and he decided he wants to go to his brother's mom's wedding after all because he never gets to see his brother and what happened with kristina made him realize he needs to take advantage of situations like this in case something were to happen which i completely understand.
however, i'm still pissed at his brother and it makes me more mad that he won't even apologize or even admit he was wrong, for that matter. he just said he didn't want joey to be mad anymore. which of course, he was playing off of joey's emotions and taking advantage of the situation. it just makes me more mad and feel like shit. so, i kinda started crying all over again when all of this happened. joey doesn't know i feel this way. i couldn't tell him. it would be too much. and i do want him to take advantage of getting to see his brother.
basically after that we just went to bed.
yesterday was a complete and total disaster. it was probably the worst anniversary anyone's ever had.
i am, however, so glad that we have each other to get through times like this. it made me feel better to have him there. i'm really glad we got to spend the time together and i feel like we're closer because of having to get through this.
pretty much all of our friends are really upset and everyone is having a hard time just understanding what happened. it doesn't seem real. she was just here. she was just in our apartment. i was just talking to her facebook. and now she's gone forever. i can't comprehend it. it's...crazy. i can't even imagine how her parents or her boyfriend feel, or even her best friend (which is cruchelle).
when i woke up today, i felt better about it. i felt like i was accepting it more. but then joey told me he started crying at work, and i lost it all over again. now i'm fighting back tears and i can't make it go away. it feels good to be out of the house, but at the same time, i can barely face people. i feel like by time i get home i will be completely numb.
let this be a warning to everyone out there, please do not text or use your phone while you are driving. i know you've heard it a million times, but now i know someone personally who died as a result of it and i don't want to happen to anyone else i know or love. so please, any text message or phone call can wait and if it is that important, pull over. i beg you. i can't go through this again and i wouldn't want anyone else to.
we're still waiting to hear when the calling hours and the funeral or ceremony will be. it's going to be hard going there not knowing any of her family, but knowing all of her friends and seeing everyone upset. this has happened too soon to last time i had to do this. i am so bad at getting over things, especially unexpected things like this. it's different if the person is old or sick for a long time, but this was totally out of the blue and completely unfair. i can't make myself accept it as easily. i feel like she's not really gone. like she'll show up one day when i don't expect to see her on campus or something like she usually does. i still feel that way about my uncle who died senior year completely unexpectedly. i'm not used to seeing him on a regular basis, so i almost feel like he's still out there, i just don't see him.
oh and another thing is everyone has been posting on her facebook wall and saying they'll miss her and things like that. i can't bring myself to do it, for multiple reasons. first of all because it's facebook and i would just feel so stupid. she's not going to read it. maybe her parents will, but that might not even happen. and i don't feel like me writing on her wall means she knows what i wrote. if she knows, then i could just say it out loud or think it and she would know too. but i also don't believe in heaven or really any life after this, so i don't think she would be able to know anyways. i think you have to say things to people when you have the chance because if something happens, they'll never know. (megan, this is more reason you should say what you've been dying to say.) i feel like things like writing on her wall are more for the living than for the dead. it's more like the living people need to feel like they said something and they need to see other people saying things and showing their support. the dead don't know or care. they wouldn't want you to be sad or miserable for them.
i have no idea if any of what i'm saying makes sense...
alright, i gotta stop thinking about this. i have a huge constant lump in my throat and tears ready burst.
i really need this weekend. i'm sad joey is going home, but i need to be around people who didn't know her and people i care about.
saturday please some faster.
yesterday was...a really rough day, to say the least.
first, joey and i got into an argument about being jealous, basically. there's a guy we both know from school who we're pretty sure likes me and he's pretty flirty. well he graduated and moved to raleigh and i was talking to him via facebook and joey didn't like the way he was talking to me. so i told him i was uncomfortable with him hanging out with his ex-girlfriend while he's home, but i trust him. and it kinda escalated from there, which i got upset about. but i started to feel better as the day went on.
just as i was getting excited about spending the night with joey and i was almost out of work, we were told that our friend, kristina, has passed away that morning. i got home and we didn't even say anything to each other. we just laid together for a while. but joey wanted to get out the house and get going to keep busy. so we went to target and bought our cameras, but it started raining.
we went home to look up indoor places to go online. we didn't really find anything, but decided to go to village gate. before we went, we decided to eat at olive garden since we weren't gonna walk on park ave in the rain. it was really good, of course. dinner was probably the only good part of the entire day. we talked about when we first started hanging out and how he stole me away. it was pretty funny.
then we went to village gate, but it was just turning 6 o'clock and all the shops were closing. so we walked around for like 10 minutes and took a few pictures. then we looked for the legal wall and failed and decided to just go home. he didn't want to walk around highland park in the rain, like i did. on the way home he pulled into the dollar theatre and told me he was being spontaneous. we went inside and found out "knowing" was starting soon, so we decided to stay and see it. at that point, i couldn't hold myself together anymore and i was getting really upset about kristina and the day being ruined. i can only pretend everything is okay for so long.
the movie was really good until the very end when it turned into this super religious bullshit with a parody of noah's ark and angels and the garden of eden. i was pissed, but i had heard about it before, so i was expecting it. it was also not a good movie to see yesterday because it had a lot about people dying and toward the end the girl gets into a car accident with a truck and it was really hard to watch that whole scene.
after the movie, we went home and joey begged me to go to wing night so we could get out of the house and keep busy. but i knew i wouldn't be able to keep it together, especially being around people i normally see kristina around. i would have lost it. and it would have been in a bar, in public. no thanks. so we stayed home.
then joey got a text from his brother saying something along the lines of he knew joey was having a bad day, but he hoped that he could make it a little better by telling him that joey was going to be an uncle. his brother texted him again and said that he loved him and didn't want joey to be mad at him anymore. at that point, joey lost it. i've ever seen him like that before. he was really upset. and he decided he wants to go to his brother's mom's wedding after all because he never gets to see his brother and what happened with kristina made him realize he needs to take advantage of situations like this in case something were to happen which i completely understand.
however, i'm still pissed at his brother and it makes me more mad that he won't even apologize or even admit he was wrong, for that matter. he just said he didn't want joey to be mad anymore. which of course, he was playing off of joey's emotions and taking advantage of the situation. it just makes me more mad and feel like shit. so, i kinda started crying all over again when all of this happened. joey doesn't know i feel this way. i couldn't tell him. it would be too much. and i do want him to take advantage of getting to see his brother.
basically after that we just went to bed.
yesterday was a complete and total disaster. it was probably the worst anniversary anyone's ever had.
i am, however, so glad that we have each other to get through times like this. it made me feel better to have him there. i'm really glad we got to spend the time together and i feel like we're closer because of having to get through this.
pretty much all of our friends are really upset and everyone is having a hard time just understanding what happened. it doesn't seem real. she was just here. she was just in our apartment. i was just talking to her facebook. and now she's gone forever. i can't comprehend it. it's...crazy. i can't even imagine how her parents or her boyfriend feel, or even her best friend (which is cruchelle).
when i woke up today, i felt better about it. i felt like i was accepting it more. but then joey told me he started crying at work, and i lost it all over again. now i'm fighting back tears and i can't make it go away. it feels good to be out of the house, but at the same time, i can barely face people. i feel like by time i get home i will be completely numb.
let this be a warning to everyone out there, please do not text or use your phone while you are driving. i know you've heard it a million times, but now i know someone personally who died as a result of it and i don't want to happen to anyone else i know or love. so please, any text message or phone call can wait and if it is that important, pull over. i beg you. i can't go through this again and i wouldn't want anyone else to.
we're still waiting to hear when the calling hours and the funeral or ceremony will be. it's going to be hard going there not knowing any of her family, but knowing all of her friends and seeing everyone upset. this has happened too soon to last time i had to do this. i am so bad at getting over things, especially unexpected things like this. it's different if the person is old or sick for a long time, but this was totally out of the blue and completely unfair. i can't make myself accept it as easily. i feel like she's not really gone. like she'll show up one day when i don't expect to see her on campus or something like she usually does. i still feel that way about my uncle who died senior year completely unexpectedly. i'm not used to seeing him on a regular basis, so i almost feel like he's still out there, i just don't see him.
oh and another thing is everyone has been posting on her facebook wall and saying they'll miss her and things like that. i can't bring myself to do it, for multiple reasons. first of all because it's facebook and i would just feel so stupid. she's not going to read it. maybe her parents will, but that might not even happen. and i don't feel like me writing on her wall means she knows what i wrote. if she knows, then i could just say it out loud or think it and she would know too. but i also don't believe in heaven or really any life after this, so i don't think she would be able to know anyways. i think you have to say things to people when you have the chance because if something happens, they'll never know. (megan, this is more reason you should say what you've been dying to say.) i feel like things like writing on her wall are more for the living than for the dead. it's more like the living people need to feel like they said something and they need to see other people saying things and showing their support. the dead don't know or care. they wouldn't want you to be sad or miserable for them.
i have no idea if any of what i'm saying makes sense...
alright, i gotta stop thinking about this. i have a huge constant lump in my throat and tears ready burst.
i really need this weekend. i'm sad joey is going home, but i need to be around people who didn't know her and people i care about.
saturday please some faster.