my heart breaks for them
I'm following this person on tumblr who is going through AtS, not for the first time I think, and just reading her reactions to everything that's happened and that's going to happen makes me so sad. I wish with all my heart, even though I know it's completely and utterly fruitless, that things were different. Not just for Cordy and Angel, but for Wes, Gunn, Fred, Lorne, and even Connor. Connor never was one of my favorite characters. I found him annoying and whiny and, well, sleeping with Cordy just completely turned me off him, but when I think of his life, of his story, it makes me understand him a little better. In "Dad," Angel mentions how excited he is to see Connor grow up and go through all the teenage changes, and to just be there as he experiences life, like going to prom, and I just think that neither of them got that. And it was with this thought in mind that I understood even more what Angel did in "Conviction." He wasn't just "raping the memories of his friends" as Cordy said, he was giving Connor that opportunity to experience those "normal" things, to grow up and have a life free of demons and death and pain, and I can understand that. Though I never agreed with AI joining W&H, it's the fact that Angel did what he did for the good of his son that makes me understand his decision. If you think about it, Connor never had a chance. Holtz took him, and though he may have shown him love in his own way, Connor still grew up in a hell dimension, fending for himself and his "father," never able to just breathe and be happy and live. So, I understand most of Connor's conflicting emotions, and add to that the fact that he believed Angel killed Hotlz, and all you have left is a tortured kid, lost in a world he doesn't understand or belong in. It's so incredibly sad!
As for Wesley, his story is even more painful I think. I can't imagine what it was like for him to make the decision to take Connor away from Angel. I can't even imagine what must've been going through his head as he translated the prophecy that said "the father will kill the son." Given what Wes knew at the time, I don't blame him at all for the actions he took. And deep down, I can't help but think that maybe things would've been different, would've gone down differently, had Cordy been there. If Wes can talk to anyone, especially about something concerning Angel, it's Cordelia. They've been friends for as long as Cordy and Angel have been friends, and I just think that he would've confided in her his findings. Or, if he hadn't, she somehow would've known something was going on with him and would've gotten him to talk to her about it. And of course she would've convinced him, like she attempted to do in "Somnambulist," that Angel's good and he would never hurt his son. But, she wasn't there and that just complicated things further for him. Plus, he was also dealing with the budding Fred/Gunn relationship, so it was a really dark and trying time for him. And then afterwards -- healing from a cut to his throat, unable to speak and explain himself, living only in his thoughts and incredibly alone and friendless -- was basic torture. I'm sure he must've thought many times about his father while in this state. It's incredible that he was able to rebuild that friendship with Angel and the rest of the gang.
And then there's Cordelia. What can one say about Cordelia? She went through so much, especially on AtS, but she did it with strength, determination, loyalty, will, and grace. She never gave up, and that's something to admire in her. I watched a video a while back, it was for the one sentence contest on youtube, and the person chose the scene where Cordelia tells Angel, "just so we understand each other -- you and I -- we're not friends," and though it was 18 seconds long, I got weepy. It was that impactful (though I tend to get weepy a lot when it comes to AtS)! Angel firing the gang was hard to watch, but what was harder was watching Cordelia and her reaction. I don't blame her for telling Angel they're not friends. He deserved that given everything Cordelia did for him, given how she helped him, her loyalty and belief in him. Gunn and Wes are important too, but this is Cordelia we're talking about, you know? She was there with him from the beginning, she was the one with him when Doyle died. She was there for him, always, even when he didn't want to talk and then this happens and you just want to scream. Not to mention the fact that at this point she knew she was dying from the visions. Can you imagine being abandoned by your dearest friend when you know you're dying; how lonely that must make you feel; how heartbreaking it must be not to be able to talk to that person about what's happening to you? All this time she was dying, and she was there for Angel. She was there for him in his time of need, when he was sick and obsessed over Darla. She was there for him while she was dying! That's incredible to me! But this wasn't even the worst of everything she went through. Doyle's death in season one, the unleashment of all those visions by Vocah, her dying from the visions, having her body stolen from her when she became a higher being, and her sacrificing her life so that Angel could keep fighting and helping people; these are the things that make Cordelia a hero to me. And she changed so much, grew so much as a character. In the end, it wasn't about her, it was about the mission and about helping Angel get back on track so that he could continue to fight the good fight, so that he could continue to help people. My god, she gave her last breath so that Angel could keep fighting, just like Doyle! And all of this doesn't even have to do with her being in love with Angel. That's an epic story in and of itself. For goodness sake she sacrificed love, so that she could continue helping people! JFC, she might be the greatest frakking character ever! I don't think Scully even sacrificed love! :O Wow, I think Cordy just jumped to number one on my list of awesome characters! WOW!
I would continue this epic-like post but it's 3am and I really should be getting to bed. Maybe I'll continue it tomorrow, and actually touch on all the A/C stuff that breaks my heart even more than the individual character's stories.