Dave is pretty much my favorite
I like my English 209 class, don't get me wrong. The teacher is great and engaging and the material can be fun. But how can I be expected to pay rapt attention when the champion of distraction, Mr. David Ruthenberg, is asittin' next to me? From categories to listing country competitions to drawing rediculous pictures to crossword puzzles to MASH to scrawling Dave's name approximately one trillion times on a single piece of paper, we have have done it all in the Don't Pay Attention to Lecture arena. Our newest development, however, is one of my favorites. At Dave's suggestion, we have started playing Fuck, Kill, Marry- you select 3 people and the other person has to choose with whom s/he would copulate, enter into holy matrimony, and deprieve of life. Crude? Yes. Funny? Devastatingly. The lists below are from the last 2 lectures; I suggested all the females and answered all the males, Dave did the opposite. Enjoy!:
Brad Pitt but his voice sounds exactly like yours- MARRY
King Henry VIII- FUCK
Rikki-Tikki-Tavi with leather pants- KILL then I will kill myself b/c of henry
Liza Minelli- KILL
Wife of Bath- MARRY
Angelina Jolie with leprosy- FUCK
A blob of sentient fat that has the sparkling wit of Oscar Wilde- MARRY
The Charlotte Hornets- FUCK
300 ft tall Robert Frost- KILL (NO fucking)
Hillary Clinton’s head in a glass jar (glass may be removed for brief periods)- KILL
Coco the Chimp- MARRY honeymoon at the Bronx zoo
The Virgin Mary- FUCK [Note: Oh, the blasphemy]
Huck Finn (must always be on log raft)- FUCK
A can of Pringles- KILL
John Mackin with gold body paint- MARRY
Barbara Bush- KILL
The Mona Lisa- FUCK
Jane Austin on steroids- MARRY
Hulk Hogan with pecs that lactate the most delicious chocolate in the world- FUCK
Walt Disney & Bugs Bunny tag team- KILL
Ryan Maness (all his skin had been replaced with non-stick Teflon)- MARRY
Professor Newcomb with a stoma- MARRY
Kathryn Broderick + 200 lbs- KILL
Whore of Babylon’s trunk (4-limb amputee)- FUCK
Tiny Tim with Tourettes- FUCK
Haley Joel Osment II (unborn sperm son of HJO I)- MARRY hopefully he’ll die soon
Head of a puppy kept alive with science- KILL
Lucy, the Australopithecus afarensis- MARRY go on talk show tour
Lucy, Charley Brown’s lady friend- KILL
Lucy Ball, Ricky’s beloved- FUCK (triple underscored)
Liz Dampf’s left tit (illustrated)- FUCK
Large frosty (illustrated)- KILL (by eating)
Sea Monkey aquarium (illustrated)- MARRY
Virginia Woolf with profuse facial hair- KILL
Medusa (complete with spell-blocking goggles)- FUCK
Martha Washington in her current condition- MARRY
Inspector Gadget; yells “go go gadget!” before every action (example given verbally: Go go gadget take off Vanessa’s bra!)- FUCK with ear plugs
Bucket of sweat collected from bonobo monkeys mating- KILL
Termite mound- MARRY
Dr. Sue from The Late Night Sex Show on the Oxygen Network- KILL
Kate Winslet with every bodily curve replaced with an angle- FUCK
Jessica Simpson with no hair- MARRY
Johnny Depp with monitor lizard grafted to scalp- FUCK
Your TA with a priapism- MARRY yeah I pretty much love him
Pope John Bezdek- KILL for sacrilege
Brad Pitt but his voice sounds exactly like yours- MARRY
King Henry VIII- FUCK
Rikki-Tikki-Tavi with leather pants- KILL then I will kill myself b/c of henry
Liza Minelli- KILL
Wife of Bath- MARRY
Angelina Jolie with leprosy- FUCK
A blob of sentient fat that has the sparkling wit of Oscar Wilde- MARRY
The Charlotte Hornets- FUCK
300 ft tall Robert Frost- KILL (NO fucking)
Hillary Clinton’s head in a glass jar (glass may be removed for brief periods)- KILL
Coco the Chimp- MARRY honeymoon at the Bronx zoo
The Virgin Mary- FUCK [Note: Oh, the blasphemy]
Huck Finn (must always be on log raft)- FUCK
A can of Pringles- KILL
John Mackin with gold body paint- MARRY
Barbara Bush- KILL
The Mona Lisa- FUCK
Jane Austin on steroids- MARRY
Hulk Hogan with pecs that lactate the most delicious chocolate in the world- FUCK
Walt Disney & Bugs Bunny tag team- KILL
Ryan Maness (all his skin had been replaced with non-stick Teflon)- MARRY
Professor Newcomb with a stoma- MARRY
Kathryn Broderick + 200 lbs- KILL
Whore of Babylon’s trunk (4-limb amputee)- FUCK
Tiny Tim with Tourettes- FUCK
Haley Joel Osment II (unborn sperm son of HJO I)- MARRY hopefully he’ll die soon
Head of a puppy kept alive with science- KILL
Lucy, the Australopithecus afarensis- MARRY go on talk show tour
Lucy, Charley Brown’s lady friend- KILL
Lucy Ball, Ricky’s beloved- FUCK (triple underscored)
Liz Dampf’s left tit (illustrated)- FUCK
Large frosty (illustrated)- KILL (by eating)
Sea Monkey aquarium (illustrated)- MARRY
Virginia Woolf with profuse facial hair- KILL
Medusa (complete with spell-blocking goggles)- FUCK
Martha Washington in her current condition- MARRY
Inspector Gadget; yells “go go gadget!” before every action (example given verbally: Go go gadget take off Vanessa’s bra!)- FUCK with ear plugs
Bucket of sweat collected from bonobo monkeys mating- KILL
Termite mound- MARRY
Dr. Sue from The Late Night Sex Show on the Oxygen Network- KILL
Kate Winslet with every bodily curve replaced with an angle- FUCK
Jessica Simpson with no hair- MARRY
Johnny Depp with monitor lizard grafted to scalp- FUCK
Your TA with a priapism- MARRY yeah I pretty much love him
Pope John Bezdek- KILL for sacrilege