Babble about my ex, or the reason for no fanfic/cosplay lately
So I found out by accident through facebook that my ex is single; avoiding seeing things about my ex that would make me miserable is why I defriended her everywhere possible on the internet. I don't really care if she finds stuff out, I just wanted to be able to check my f-list and things without biting my nails over whether I was going to get stabbed in the heart again. You know, cutesy little "I have a great boyfriend! :)" posts and pics.
(For anyone who hasn't heard the whole story, although I don't know why you'd care enough to read this, she's my ex-it's-complicated-no-we-never-really-dated-but-. Mostly she's my ex- fic-writing and smut-roleplaying and cosplaying and cosplay-fanservice partner, which is why the lack of fannish things in the last year.)
So yeah, ex is single. Couldn't leave well enough alone, no, I had to go dig for when it happened (although I resisted for about a day) and it turns out she's been single since FEBRUARY. So most of my plans for hunting down her boyfriend and murdering him were already too late, although it's kind of a pity, if I had tracked him down we might have had an interesting conversation.
Pathetically, I'm still not over it. I'd give damn near anything to have a do-over, and just be a bit more patient about things. Graduating made me really insecure and anxious, on top of already lingering insecurity, when really I probably should have bided my time and let her figure things out for herself.
I still wish I knew what freaked her out there at the end; going from "hey I'm going to get you drunk and we'll cuddle and share a bed" to "oh god don't touch me" in between two visits within three weeks (months after I confessed) was really bewildering and painful.
I had all those boys chasing me and asking me out to make me realize that I just am not in to guys for the most part; she didn't spend high school getting chased by the football captain and the soccer captain and college getting shoved at Harvard grad student and pro chef and etc. Unfortunately everyone has to figure things out for themselves, and shaking someone and telling them not to be blind never really works. Of course the problem is there's no way to tell when or if she ever would have come around; people have managed to get married and have kids before they mature enough to be honest with themselves. There is of course the remote chance that she's actually straight, but, well... sources say probably not.
Tangentially, I'm also still pissed that my mother has suspected I'm a lesbian since I was in JUNIOR HIGH but still insists on pushing boys at me and believes that I'll ruin my life if I decide to date girls/marry a girl. It's one of the major reasons I've gotten to "fuck it all I'm getting out of here" in my life plans at the moment.
(For anyone who hasn't heard the whole story, although I don't know why you'd care enough to read this, she's my ex-it's-complicated-no-we-never-really-dated-but-. Mostly she's my ex- fic-writing and smut-roleplaying and cosplaying and cosplay-fanservice partner, which is why the lack of fannish things in the last year.)
So yeah, ex is single. Couldn't leave well enough alone, no, I had to go dig for when it happened (although I resisted for about a day) and it turns out she's been single since FEBRUARY. So most of my plans for hunting down her boyfriend and murdering him were already too late, although it's kind of a pity, if I had tracked him down we might have had an interesting conversation.
Pathetically, I'm still not over it. I'd give damn near anything to have a do-over, and just be a bit more patient about things. Graduating made me really insecure and anxious, on top of already lingering insecurity, when really I probably should have bided my time and let her figure things out for herself.
I still wish I knew what freaked her out there at the end; going from "hey I'm going to get you drunk and we'll cuddle and share a bed" to "oh god don't touch me" in between two visits within three weeks (months after I confessed) was really bewildering and painful.
I had all those boys chasing me and asking me out to make me realize that I just am not in to guys for the most part; she didn't spend high school getting chased by the football captain and the soccer captain and college getting shoved at Harvard grad student and pro chef and etc. Unfortunately everyone has to figure things out for themselves, and shaking someone and telling them not to be blind never really works. Of course the problem is there's no way to tell when or if she ever would have come around; people have managed to get married and have kids before they mature enough to be honest with themselves. There is of course the remote chance that she's actually straight, but, well... sources say probably not.
Tangentially, I'm also still pissed that my mother has suspected I'm a lesbian since I was in JUNIOR HIGH but still insists on pushing boys at me and believes that I'll ruin my life if I decide to date girls/marry a girl. It's one of the major reasons I've gotten to "fuck it all I'm getting out of here" in my life plans at the moment.