if it be now, 'tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now; if it be not now, yet it will come. the readiness is all.
i don't understand this. the past week i've been an emotional wreck, my crappy mood just getting worse and worse with each day. i can't explain why i can't seem to get a hold on things or let go of things or see past anything but my own anger.
and oh am i angry.
my friends who have graduated from high school are always telling me that in your senior year, one of two things can happen in terms of your relationships:
1. you realize the transitory state of your friendships and let go of all social boundaries and previous animosities and just coexist happily with everyone you know because you know high school is almost over and your time is limited
or
2. you realize that because of the transitory state of your friendships that everyone around you is a complete wanker and all the people you've tolerated for four years are full of bullshit and you really only like about three of your friends and you shouldn't have to put up with tools who you'll never have to see again
senioritis seems to be skipping over my work ethic and attacking my social life. i'm frustrated with the friendships i've made and feel unnecessary regret about completely absurd things. it could just be a chemical imbalance.
..but what if it's something bigger, something heavier, something more permanent?
and i know that this summer isn't going to be one of long goodbyes and this-is-our-last-time-togethers. it's going to be a week of partying right after graduation and then it's see you later because i'm off to europe. and i don't know how sorry i am about this, either, because i know i've been waiting to get out of here for a really long time. and i just don't see myself being held back by the doldrums of suburbia just for the sake of being a teenager. i see myself taking flight and not feeling sorry about it at all.
(but i know i'm still going to cry at graduation.)
another feeling i've had for the past few weeks has been this undeniable sense of self-awareness that i don't think i've ever known before. it's this kind of trumpet-sounding clarity about all the things i've ever hated about myself (obviously not the physical aspect; that will still take time), this kind of fuck-you attitude i've always wanted but was never really sure of. i think a lot of the things i've been feeling in the past two years or so have culminated in this moment, this self-assurance, and i think after all the second-guessing, i deserve it. i deserve to not be insecure about who i am.
waiting on the edge of my future is a really fuckin weird feeling.
and it's only february.
and oh am i angry.
my friends who have graduated from high school are always telling me that in your senior year, one of two things can happen in terms of your relationships:
1. you realize the transitory state of your friendships and let go of all social boundaries and previous animosities and just coexist happily with everyone you know because you know high school is almost over and your time is limited
or
2. you realize that because of the transitory state of your friendships that everyone around you is a complete wanker and all the people you've tolerated for four years are full of bullshit and you really only like about three of your friends and you shouldn't have to put up with tools who you'll never have to see again
senioritis seems to be skipping over my work ethic and attacking my social life. i'm frustrated with the friendships i've made and feel unnecessary regret about completely absurd things. it could just be a chemical imbalance.
..but what if it's something bigger, something heavier, something more permanent?
and i know that this summer isn't going to be one of long goodbyes and this-is-our-last-time-togethers. it's going to be a week of partying right after graduation and then it's see you later because i'm off to europe. and i don't know how sorry i am about this, either, because i know i've been waiting to get out of here for a really long time. and i just don't see myself being held back by the doldrums of suburbia just for the sake of being a teenager. i see myself taking flight and not feeling sorry about it at all.
(but i know i'm still going to cry at graduation.)
another feeling i've had for the past few weeks has been this undeniable sense of self-awareness that i don't think i've ever known before. it's this kind of trumpet-sounding clarity about all the things i've ever hated about myself (obviously not the physical aspect; that will still take time), this kind of fuck-you attitude i've always wanted but was never really sure of. i think a lot of the things i've been feeling in the past two years or so have culminated in this moment, this self-assurance, and i think after all the second-guessing, i deserve it. i deserve to not be insecure about who i am.
waiting on the edge of my future is a really fuckin weird feeling.
and it's only february.