if i had a penis...

[yashaotata]

if i had a penis, it would certainly be a very special penis.
it would...

* speak seven languages, including whale song
* grow a goatee for special occasions
* be good at maths
* know the differences between mauve and magenta and fuchsia
* have solid, lasting friendships with all the ladies
* know several latin american dance styles
* always tip the waiter well
* be able to bench-press at least 250 pounds
* cook and bake like a pro
* give politicians good advice
* enjoy gentle thunderstorms and long strolls down the beach
* be best buddies with hugh laurie
* be named raoul