Still Here
Still alive! Just a little more active elsewhere on the internets. And by active, I mean reblogging photosets of various MCU castpeople looking hot and posting links to fics I have liked on Pinboard. (Okay, also commenting on Metafilter, which is easier to do at work then writing out a whole post.)
On the work front, one of our trials settled on LITERALLY THE DAY AFTER JURY SELECTION, WHY WASTE EVERYONE'S TIME AND MONEY UUUUGGGGHHH. Another one may be starting up next week, another one got continued, so things continue to be a lot of hurry up and wait. I at least got a three-day weekend, which I spent lazing about watching TV/Netflix and reading fic.
Day 30-whatever: I continue to have a Steve Rogers and/or Bucky Barnes Problem, send help. Latest symptom of the severity of my problem: I watched lim's latest vid Time, and ended up genuinely upset by it. It's an extraordinarily effective vid that does a lot with a very simple premise, and for some reason it almost kicked me off into an anxiety attack, and that's actually really rare for me. Fiction and media can get me worked up in that "aaahhhh too many feelings" kind of way where you have to set a book down or pause a show to flail for a little bit, and I can certainly be deeply emotionally affected by a book or show. I mean, I have cried over books and TV shows and movies, some of it full on ugly-crying, dehydration-headache crying jags. I've never thought that was weird or unhealthy, it was just catharsis and satisfying in its own way. But short of breath, anxiety kicked into high gear type reactions are not normal for me.
So I spent some time trying to figure out what it was about lim's vid that gave me such a visceral reaction, because I am really not one of those "omg shaking and crying!11!" kind of fans. There are a few other things I've read or watched that have made me react similarly, some of which I wasn't actually emotionally invested in at all. (One of them was a book in which one character holds another character down under water in a pool to "sober him up." I have no trauma surrounding drowning or being held under water, but it upset me.)
My conclusion: the MCU is kind of full of appalling body horror and whatever you call mental violation horror, and those are not actually things that I seek out or am exposed to that often. Lim's vid, framed as if it's from the perspective of the Winter Soldier looking out of his (tiny) cryochamber, with the years ticking by with slow inevitability...well, that kicked off a claustrophobia I didn't even know I had while bringing home the enormity of what was done to Bucky Barnes' body and mind. It reminded me that Iron Man 1 freaked me out too when Pepper managed to fit, like, her entire hand into Tony's chest when he had her fiddle with the arc reactor (ahahaha how does he breathe with that thing it's like a third of his chest cavity oh god), and then freaked me out a little more when Stane took the reactor out.
There's also Bruce and the Hulk ("Are you a big guy that turns into a little guy, or a little guy that turns into a big guy?", which is the real Bruce Banner?) Extremis, Clint being used as Loki's puppet, Mike Peterson being turned into Deathlok in Agents of SHIELD, Coulson's resurrection, Steve's transformation (never framed as something horrifying, but a transformation nonetheless), the Red Skull ripping his goddamn face off, Loki being a Frost Giant rather than the Asgardian he always thought he was...that's kind of lot of violation of bodily/mental integrity going on. I... don't know where I'm going with this, it's just a thing I noticed. A thing that apparently freaks me out a little more than I ever thought it did.
This entry was originally posted at http://yasaman.dreamwidth.org/452958.html, with
comments there.
On the work front, one of our trials settled on LITERALLY THE DAY AFTER JURY SELECTION, WHY WASTE EVERYONE'S TIME AND MONEY UUUUGGGGHHH. Another one may be starting up next week, another one got continued, so things continue to be a lot of hurry up and wait. I at least got a three-day weekend, which I spent lazing about watching TV/Netflix and reading fic.
Day 30-whatever: I continue to have a Steve Rogers and/or Bucky Barnes Problem, send help. Latest symptom of the severity of my problem: I watched lim's latest vid Time, and ended up genuinely upset by it. It's an extraordinarily effective vid that does a lot with a very simple premise, and for some reason it almost kicked me off into an anxiety attack, and that's actually really rare for me. Fiction and media can get me worked up in that "aaahhhh too many feelings" kind of way where you have to set a book down or pause a show to flail for a little bit, and I can certainly be deeply emotionally affected by a book or show. I mean, I have cried over books and TV shows and movies, some of it full on ugly-crying, dehydration-headache crying jags. I've never thought that was weird or unhealthy, it was just catharsis and satisfying in its own way. But short of breath, anxiety kicked into high gear type reactions are not normal for me.
So I spent some time trying to figure out what it was about lim's vid that gave me such a visceral reaction, because I am really not one of those "omg shaking and crying!11!" kind of fans. There are a few other things I've read or watched that have made me react similarly, some of which I wasn't actually emotionally invested in at all. (One of them was a book in which one character holds another character down under water in a pool to "sober him up." I have no trauma surrounding drowning or being held under water, but it upset me.)
My conclusion: the MCU is kind of full of appalling body horror and whatever you call mental violation horror, and those are not actually things that I seek out or am exposed to that often. Lim's vid, framed as if it's from the perspective of the Winter Soldier looking out of his (tiny) cryochamber, with the years ticking by with slow inevitability...well, that kicked off a claustrophobia I didn't even know I had while bringing home the enormity of what was done to Bucky Barnes' body and mind. It reminded me that Iron Man 1 freaked me out too when Pepper managed to fit, like, her entire hand into Tony's chest when he had her fiddle with the arc reactor (ahahaha how does he breathe with that thing it's like a third of his chest cavity oh god), and then freaked me out a little more when Stane took the reactor out.
There's also Bruce and the Hulk ("Are you a big guy that turns into a little guy, or a little guy that turns into a big guy?", which is the real Bruce Banner?) Extremis, Clint being used as Loki's puppet, Mike Peterson being turned into Deathlok in Agents of SHIELD, Coulson's resurrection, Steve's transformation (never framed as something horrifying, but a transformation nonetheless), the Red Skull ripping his goddamn face off, Loki being a Frost Giant rather than the Asgardian he always thought he was...that's kind of lot of violation of bodily/mental integrity going on. I... don't know where I'm going with this, it's just a thing I noticed. A thing that apparently freaks me out a little more than I ever thought it did.
This entry was originally posted at http://yasaman.dreamwidth.org/452958.html, with
comments there.