(no subject)
Man, I hate boys.
Well, that isn't entirely accurate. I like boy mates, and I'm sure condemning one half of the human race isn't entirely justified. Plus girls can be just as bad. And it's not the actual people I take issue with, in any case, it's the whole love life thing.
When I didn't have one, it sucked. Now I have one, it sucks worse.
Let's look at the major players in this drama, shall we?
First of all, there's me. Little Miss Dorktastic. Apparently I am also super-nice and gorgeous, at least according to the other people on this list, who clearly don't know me as well as they think they do. I am pretty sure that I don't feel ready for a relationship, but am also sadly incapable of deliberately hurting people's feelings.
Number two, in order of how long they've been involved, is Ali. Ali has been mentioned on these pages before, under the initial A. He has been deeply, hopelessly crushing/in love with me for two years now, and has given up on keeping it any kind of secret. I have let him know that I don't fancy him, but although I value his friendship, time spent with him is incredibly awkward for me.
Next on the scene is Josh. I can't remember if I've described the full extent of Josh's effect on my life, but suffice to say he has fucked me over thoroughly, made me feel worthless, and is now regretting his actions.
After that comes Craig. Craig is my ex-girlfriend's ex. I have never met Craig IRL, but somehow I ended up his internet girlfriend. He kept trying to cyber with me. Eventually I blocked him.
Finally, there is another Josh. This one is called Shoj. I met him at the Expo. He is gorgeous, sweet, deeply in love with me and altogether wow. However there are two problems. One is that he lives in Suffolk, which is the other end of the country. Two is, due to a deep-seated distrust of people fancying me and the serious discomfort being idolised gives me, talking to him makes me really, REALLY uncomfortable (because I'm an ungrateful freak-child).
So now we have our dramatis personae, here's how they fit together in my life right now.
Ali is making it more and more clear that he won't get over me, and is now communicating with Craig, who asked Ali to ask me if I blocked him. I lied and said it must be MSN malfunctioning, they both accepted that, but I feel awful about it. Ali is also coming to visit my town on Friday.
Shoj seemed perfect. I made out with him at the after-party after the expo. Apparently I was also his first kiss. I planned to go to Suffolk to visit him, since having finished my exams I have four weeks free before my next committment, but I'm not allowed and am actually sort of relieved as well as disappointed, because PRESSURE! However, I was happy with him, although his guilt complex and constant flattery are kind of embarrassing for me, being as I am functionally incapable of thinking nice things about myself. In addition, although they're nothing alike, something about how he talks over MSN reminds me of Craig, ie TOTAL DO NOT WANT.
Just when I thought I had this shit sorted out, yesterday I went into school to gatecrash Sian's Philosophy class, and beforehand I ran into Josh. Now at this point, I should note Josh has not talked to me since he dumped me after a week's relationship to spend more time with his friends, which was pretty much exactly a year ago. He apologised for being a dick and asked if we could try again. I told him I'd developed a boyfriend in Suffolk, which sounded a bit girlfriend-in-Canada-ish, and I actually told him the truth, which is that he royally fucked me over. Seriously. He spent one evening making out with me and then chucked me, thus once and for all cementing the impression that anyone who says they fancy me is not worth trusting. Which isn't true and I KNOW it isn't true, but it still has an effect on me.
In a desperate WTF moment, I asked Josh why so many people I've met over the last couple of years seems to fancy me. His answer is 'because you're a genuinely nice girl'. I am so blatantly not. If I was a genuinely nice girl, I wouldn't have encouraged all these people, I wouldn't have randomly blocked Craig and I wouldn't be considering taking Josh back while I still have Shoj. I think the last in particular makes me a horrible person, increased by the fact that I know for sure I'm not in love or even really in lust with anyone on this page.
Man, I hate my confusing little self sometimes.
Who'd be a teenager, eh?
Well, that isn't entirely accurate. I like boy mates, and I'm sure condemning one half of the human race isn't entirely justified. Plus girls can be just as bad. And it's not the actual people I take issue with, in any case, it's the whole love life thing.
When I didn't have one, it sucked. Now I have one, it sucks worse.
Let's look at the major players in this drama, shall we?
First of all, there's me. Little Miss Dorktastic. Apparently I am also super-nice and gorgeous, at least according to the other people on this list, who clearly don't know me as well as they think they do. I am pretty sure that I don't feel ready for a relationship, but am also sadly incapable of deliberately hurting people's feelings.
Number two, in order of how long they've been involved, is Ali. Ali has been mentioned on these pages before, under the initial A. He has been deeply, hopelessly crushing/in love with me for two years now, and has given up on keeping it any kind of secret. I have let him know that I don't fancy him, but although I value his friendship, time spent with him is incredibly awkward for me.
Next on the scene is Josh. I can't remember if I've described the full extent of Josh's effect on my life, but suffice to say he has fucked me over thoroughly, made me feel worthless, and is now regretting his actions.
After that comes Craig. Craig is my ex-girlfriend's ex. I have never met Craig IRL, but somehow I ended up his internet girlfriend. He kept trying to cyber with me. Eventually I blocked him.
Finally, there is another Josh. This one is called Shoj. I met him at the Expo. He is gorgeous, sweet, deeply in love with me and altogether wow. However there are two problems. One is that he lives in Suffolk, which is the other end of the country. Two is, due to a deep-seated distrust of people fancying me and the serious discomfort being idolised gives me, talking to him makes me really, REALLY uncomfortable (because I'm an ungrateful freak-child).
So now we have our dramatis personae, here's how they fit together in my life right now.
Ali is making it more and more clear that he won't get over me, and is now communicating with Craig, who asked Ali to ask me if I blocked him. I lied and said it must be MSN malfunctioning, they both accepted that, but I feel awful about it. Ali is also coming to visit my town on Friday.
Shoj seemed perfect. I made out with him at the after-party after the expo. Apparently I was also his first kiss. I planned to go to Suffolk to visit him, since having finished my exams I have four weeks free before my next committment, but I'm not allowed and am actually sort of relieved as well as disappointed, because PRESSURE! However, I was happy with him, although his guilt complex and constant flattery are kind of embarrassing for me, being as I am functionally incapable of thinking nice things about myself. In addition, although they're nothing alike, something about how he talks over MSN reminds me of Craig, ie TOTAL DO NOT WANT.
Just when I thought I had this shit sorted out, yesterday I went into school to gatecrash Sian's Philosophy class, and beforehand I ran into Josh. Now at this point, I should note Josh has not talked to me since he dumped me after a week's relationship to spend more time with his friends, which was pretty much exactly a year ago. He apologised for being a dick and asked if we could try again. I told him I'd developed a boyfriend in Suffolk, which sounded a bit girlfriend-in-Canada-ish, and I actually told him the truth, which is that he royally fucked me over. Seriously. He spent one evening making out with me and then chucked me, thus once and for all cementing the impression that anyone who says they fancy me is not worth trusting. Which isn't true and I KNOW it isn't true, but it still has an effect on me.
In a desperate WTF moment, I asked Josh why so many people I've met over the last couple of years seems to fancy me. His answer is 'because you're a genuinely nice girl'. I am so blatantly not. If I was a genuinely nice girl, I wouldn't have encouraged all these people, I wouldn't have randomly blocked Craig and I wouldn't be considering taking Josh back while I still have Shoj. I think the last in particular makes me a horrible person, increased by the fact that I know for sure I'm not in love or even really in lust with anyone on this page.
Man, I hate my confusing little self sometimes.
Who'd be a teenager, eh?