(no subject)
I just listened to Eric Bachman's interview on soundcheck. He talked about how important work was to him, and how he liked to work alone. I thought about you.
While I don't understand how leaving me at 1 in the morning for no particular reason helps you to work--helps you break through your wall (I don't actually believe this is the reason you left. I think there is something you are not telling me); I am tired of being angry and hurt about it (I am choosing to believe that you are telling me everything)
If you get to be childish (your words) and freak-out and run away from me, then I get to be childish, upset, and not understanding about it for a spell. I hope this does not make me seem not-understanding, unloving, or cold. I wish your mom had been there to say to you, "You just broke her heart," but she wasn't, so I had to.
I am afraid of being taken advantage of. My readiness to forgive, my reluctance to fight/cause drama can often be interpreted as my saying, "it's all okay, I don't mind," even when i do mind. (that is why i am such a good waitress) I don't want to lie to you. I want you to know when I am not okay with something. I don't want to back down--let you walk all over me as you walk away. It is better for both of us if I stand up for myself. However, at the same time, when I do stand up for myself, I feel cruel, unloving, unforgiving, and cold (thanks social norms for women). So I am giving up. I am ready to forgive. I don't want to be upset with you anymore. It is tiring
and makes me want to die. I just want to love you--just let you make me happy.
I hope that my anger hasn't caused irreparable damage.
While I don't understand how leaving me at 1 in the morning for no particular reason helps you to work--helps you break through your wall (I don't actually believe this is the reason you left. I think there is something you are not telling me); I am tired of being angry and hurt about it (I am choosing to believe that you are telling me everything)
If you get to be childish (your words) and freak-out and run away from me, then I get to be childish, upset, and not understanding about it for a spell. I hope this does not make me seem not-understanding, unloving, or cold. I wish your mom had been there to say to you, "You just broke her heart," but she wasn't, so I had to.
I am afraid of being taken advantage of. My readiness to forgive, my reluctance to fight/cause drama can often be interpreted as my saying, "it's all okay, I don't mind," even when i do mind. (that is why i am such a good waitress) I don't want to lie to you. I want you to know when I am not okay with something. I don't want to back down--let you walk all over me as you walk away. It is better for both of us if I stand up for myself. However, at the same time, when I do stand up for myself, I feel cruel, unloving, unforgiving, and cold (thanks social norms for women). So I am giving up. I am ready to forgive. I don't want to be upset with you anymore. It is tiring
and makes me want to die. I just want to love you--just let you make me happy.
I hope that my anger hasn't caused irreparable damage.