The Contradictions of Suzumiya Haruhi
So, someone sent me an email the other day (yesterday, actually), which wound up prompting this essay. The essence of it queried me about Kyon's take on Haruhi, and after a reply with them, I wound up waking up in the middle of the night and saying "...You know, that would make a great essay." What we have here is the result of that, and probably a
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Kyon's voice.
While I think you have a decent grasp of Kyon's speech mannerisms, you don't have one for when and how often he uses them. Canonically Kyon isn't a talker. He thinks. He thinks a lot more than he talks and while this is normal for. Well. Everyone. Some people are much more inclined to drop in and add some input. Kyon is not one of those people. Kyon keeps most of his sarcastic remarks to himself and only brings them out for Haruhi and other boys his age, and even THEN he still keeps quite a lot of them in his head.
When Kyon talks he keeps it short and roughly in the general area of The Point. He isn't like Yuki no, he's casual and has the thought patterns of a young man that is content to plod idly through life. His speech follows this. So while he doesn't say things directly he does say, typically, one thing. He does not pre-emptively answer people's questions, he does not explain himself, he does not go on at length in order to be concise or to cover all bases. He does not offer well thought out help to completely strangers. He does not, basically, talk that much.
You have Kyon talk the way his monologues. And the problem there is that that is not what Kyon does. People do not say everything they think. What you choose to say and what you choose to keep to yourself is a huge part of anyone's character. And it's not simply a matter of whether or not you bitch someone out or stew over it. Things like that determine how social you are, how people perceive you, show how a person percieves life and themselves. There is a reason that Kyon thinks a lot and says a little, and while we can debate upside-down over WHAT that reason is, it is a fact that he doesn't talk that much.
The very first thing I noticed then, about your Kyon, is that he's too chatty. It's all in what he decides to say and how much of it he decides to say.
Is it difficult to work with a character who is only casually social and doesn't have a lot to say on every given subject? Yes. But it's important to represent that because that is the character you chose to play.
I suggest you tone down Kyon's... interest. I suppose that's where the problem is. He cares too much, he's too involved. Kyon is a nice guy but his thoughts tend to be indifferent and idle and this is likely a large part of the reason he doesn't say absolutely everything he thinks. He doesn't care enough too. And how much a person cares is vital to who they are. Kyon is a normal guy, he's not often that interested, he's more attentive to pretty girls so maybe he tries harder to stir up a conversation with them. But even then his speech patterns are still the same. Short. Simple. A little vague. He doesn't go on for paragraphs on a regular basis. Infact, I think the most he ever talks out loud is when he and Haruhi are fleeing the blue monster and he tells her all the things he liked about the world, which was VERY out of character for him to do, and what made that moment so unique.
Anyway, that's the issue of voice. I think, relatively, it's pretty minor. I have the same issue with Lina. A character who monologues constantly and doesn't say even a fifth of what she thinks. Even a tenth. And it's a good thing too because if she spoke the things she thought she would look like a complete bitch. I point it out because I think it's very noticeable and after watching Haruhi it was the first thing I noticed about your Kyon. Having him talk so much, argue idly over meaningless things, make suggestions for things that shouldn't concern him, take him away from being that idly disinterested normal guy and make him look more like someone who butts randomly into other's lives and shows too much concern where it isn't needed or wanted.
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