Don't Wake Up
I am still dreaming
Of a job. *sighs* But! I did do productive stuff while I've been gone. Just today I turned in some applications to local places and hopefully something will come out of that. =] Turned in four and got another today to do! w00t!
I feel all floaty and creative and want to take photos. Haven't done that in a while. The end of this year went okay. Dandy. Not perfect, but what is really? I think I'm just going to ramble to my heart's intent. That sounds good to me. I can't seem to find a good subject to just start out with so why not start with everything? This makes sense to me. And this journal is for personal use, right? =P So what does it matter if you can't understand it?
And this song just started playing that I had no idea where it came from. But it's all bluesy/jazzy. Kinda like it. =D
So I'm a Senior now in High School. Makes me so happy that I'm that much closer to graduating. I cried at this years graduation. For the second time. I don't know why, perhaps because I know a lot of those people and they won't be in the hallways and my classes and in band for my last year. And of course Talley will be off to college and I won't be able to see him as much as I'd like. I'm so proud of them at the same time too. I know some of them have a great future ahead of them and I envy them so bad. I wanted to be out of this school and away from these people and just start fresh. Start new. Start where no one knows me or what I've done. I think this is a great thing about college, but maybe I'm idealizing it? I don't know till I get there. At any rate, it has to be better this dumb-fuck small town high school where people can't really get away from each other. And I want to learn diffferent things. I want to learn about the real world and real people and take classes that are more suited to whatever it is I'm going to do. I know I don't even have a job yet to pay for anything of the sort, but I'm working on that. I just. . . Feel too old to be in high school for another year. =/
Friend list is still narrow. But I'm okay with that. One more year and then I'll be out of here and not really talk to them much anymore anyway. Make new friends. That's what I want to do. The group is no longer there. But all of this old news. I still hate it, but I've gotten to the point where I don't care about it anymore anyway because if we couldn't stay together I guess it was meant to be, yeah? Yeah, pretty sure about that. Oh well! More free my Senior year to do whatever the hell I want~! ;D I find this to be pretty sweet. Expand my horizons? Possibly~ This sounds like I'll be doing drugs. eeeeeewwwwwww. Maybe listen to more music. I think I need that.
Speakin' of music. Won't be playing any this year for marching band season. WHICH SUCKS MOTHERFUCKING ASS AND I HATE IT WITH A FIERY PASSION. But I can't say no to the position because really, who else is going to step up to the plate? No one. Except Dusty, but I don't know if we want another Sophomore back podium situation again. I know I don't. Though next year when he'll be on front with no experience whatsoever is reall freakin' scary. Not gonna lie here. It's reaaaaaaaally freakin' me out about their decision. Another reason I can't step down is that Vile would kill me. Plain and simple. As much as I want to be with a section instead of with the whole band and as much as I wanted a solo that I apparently worried too much over I can't have it. I can't have it because I have to be a big girl and not cry over it. It's hard to understand what having a section means to me unless you've been shipped from one section to the next without really connecting to the people or the instrument. I have my oboe baby as a constant, which is nice, but it's not marching band. I was with the saxophones for two years and got to know those people for a bit and then switched to mellophone and really enjoyed it! Got to know people and there was so excited to go for a third year and really. . .Bond. Be apart of something. Be something more than myself. Help lead those people and be able to nit-pick and become detail oriented because we're a small group. Have a family of sorts.
But of course I can't have that. Not even my Senior year when that's all I wanted. Of course not. Nope, not me. God, I'm whining again. But it really just kind of. . . Pushes a nerve in me. Being a Drum Major is great and all I know, but. . . It's not my passion. You have to be intense without being all out and being all into it the way I want to conduct. I act more like a concert conductor with how I move. Not that I can't learn it, but I don't want to control myself. I've had to do that with a lot of things I do. With playing a horn I can play out and especially in parts where it's huge and intense and fiery and full of passion and I can let myself go. I wanted that solo so bad. I wanted to be kickass. I wanted to rock it. I wanted to play a duet/trio perhaps. But, am was assigned different responsiblities that I know I can handle I just. . . Don't know yet if I really want to. At the moment, no, no I don't. But I don't really have a choice or say in the matter. Maybe it'll go better than I think it will. *shrug* Guess we'll see how it plays out.
Gosh that felt so much better being able to get that out into actual words. =] It just flowed from my fingers. YEAH WRITING IS BACK. Awesome. Anyway, on to other matters! =D
The other night Talley and I went out with Craig and Lena. Some awesome people we are now friends with and if I weren't I would be SAD. Very very SAD. They're so much fun! We went to eat at Sonic and it appears that I am not the only one who bites on my straw! I feel relieved. After that fun time we went back to Boonville and walked from Talley's house to the Tastee Freeze, going through the cemetary and park. Baby. . . And peacocks. I love peacocks. And the strawberry milkshake was fantastic~ =9 Thanks Lena! Also new nickname: B.A.T = broken arrow taxidermy. I find this freakin' cool and wouldn't change it for the world.
List of Random Things:
- marched in Indy 500 parade. was hot and sticky. but fun all the same.
- went to buy Sims 3 with CS and Talley. it is awesome but it twitchy on Talley's computer.
- needs to buy swimsuit.
- will not be a fangirl of Conan O' Brien anytime soon, but does like his hair.
- had her 6th month with Talley yesterday. <3 yay love
- misses newspaper
- needs to watch more movies
- needs money
- needs job
- has started on her calculus homework BOOOO
- needs to buy english books
And probably more but I won't bore you. =P No drama here this summer! =D Just good old fashioned AWESOME-NESS.
Of a job. *sighs* But! I did do productive stuff while I've been gone. Just today I turned in some applications to local places and hopefully something will come out of that. =] Turned in four and got another today to do! w00t!
I feel all floaty and creative and want to take photos. Haven't done that in a while. The end of this year went okay. Dandy. Not perfect, but what is really? I think I'm just going to ramble to my heart's intent. That sounds good to me. I can't seem to find a good subject to just start out with so why not start with everything? This makes sense to me. And this journal is for personal use, right? =P So what does it matter if you can't understand it?
And this song just started playing that I had no idea where it came from. But it's all bluesy/jazzy. Kinda like it. =D
So I'm a Senior now in High School. Makes me so happy that I'm that much closer to graduating. I cried at this years graduation. For the second time. I don't know why, perhaps because I know a lot of those people and they won't be in the hallways and my classes and in band for my last year. And of course Talley will be off to college and I won't be able to see him as much as I'd like. I'm so proud of them at the same time too. I know some of them have a great future ahead of them and I envy them so bad. I wanted to be out of this school and away from these people and just start fresh. Start new. Start where no one knows me or what I've done. I think this is a great thing about college, but maybe I'm idealizing it? I don't know till I get there. At any rate, it has to be better this dumb-fuck small town high school where people can't really get away from each other. And I want to learn diffferent things. I want to learn about the real world and real people and take classes that are more suited to whatever it is I'm going to do. I know I don't even have a job yet to pay for anything of the sort, but I'm working on that. I just. . . Feel too old to be in high school for another year. =/
Friend list is still narrow. But I'm okay with that. One more year and then I'll be out of here and not really talk to them much anymore anyway. Make new friends. That's what I want to do. The group is no longer there. But all of this old news. I still hate it, but I've gotten to the point where I don't care about it anymore anyway because if we couldn't stay together I guess it was meant to be, yeah? Yeah, pretty sure about that. Oh well! More free my Senior year to do whatever the hell I want~! ;D I find this to be pretty sweet. Expand my horizons? Possibly~ This sounds like I'll be doing drugs. eeeeeewwwwwww. Maybe listen to more music. I think I need that.
Speakin' of music. Won't be playing any this year for marching band season. WHICH SUCKS MOTHERFUCKING ASS AND I HATE IT WITH A FIERY PASSION. But I can't say no to the position because really, who else is going to step up to the plate? No one. Except Dusty, but I don't know if we want another Sophomore back podium situation again. I know I don't. Though next year when he'll be on front with no experience whatsoever is reall freakin' scary. Not gonna lie here. It's reaaaaaaaally freakin' me out about their decision. Another reason I can't step down is that Vile would kill me. Plain and simple. As much as I want to be with a section instead of with the whole band and as much as I wanted a solo that I apparently worried too much over I can't have it. I can't have it because I have to be a big girl and not cry over it. It's hard to understand what having a section means to me unless you've been shipped from one section to the next without really connecting to the people or the instrument. I have my oboe baby as a constant, which is nice, but it's not marching band. I was with the saxophones for two years and got to know those people for a bit and then switched to mellophone and really enjoyed it! Got to know people and there was so excited to go for a third year and really. . .Bond. Be apart of something. Be something more than myself. Help lead those people and be able to nit-pick and become detail oriented because we're a small group. Have a family of sorts.
But of course I can't have that. Not even my Senior year when that's all I wanted. Of course not. Nope, not me. God, I'm whining again. But it really just kind of. . . Pushes a nerve in me. Being a Drum Major is great and all I know, but. . . It's not my passion. You have to be intense without being all out and being all into it the way I want to conduct. I act more like a concert conductor with how I move. Not that I can't learn it, but I don't want to control myself. I've had to do that with a lot of things I do. With playing a horn I can play out and especially in parts where it's huge and intense and fiery and full of passion and I can let myself go. I wanted that solo so bad. I wanted to be kickass. I wanted to rock it. I wanted to play a duet/trio perhaps. But, am was assigned different responsiblities that I know I can handle I just. . . Don't know yet if I really want to. At the moment, no, no I don't. But I don't really have a choice or say in the matter. Maybe it'll go better than I think it will. *shrug* Guess we'll see how it plays out.
Gosh that felt so much better being able to get that out into actual words. =] It just flowed from my fingers. YEAH WRITING IS BACK. Awesome. Anyway, on to other matters! =D
The other night Talley and I went out with Craig and Lena. Some awesome people we are now friends with and if I weren't I would be SAD. Very very SAD. They're so much fun! We went to eat at Sonic and it appears that I am not the only one who bites on my straw! I feel relieved. After that fun time we went back to Boonville and walked from Talley's house to the Tastee Freeze, going through the cemetary and park. Baby. . . And peacocks. I love peacocks. And the strawberry milkshake was fantastic~ =9 Thanks Lena! Also new nickname: B.A.T = broken arrow taxidermy. I find this freakin' cool and wouldn't change it for the world.
List of Random Things:
- marched in Indy 500 parade. was hot and sticky. but fun all the same.
- went to buy Sims 3 with CS and Talley. it is awesome but it twitchy on Talley's computer.
- needs to buy swimsuit.
- will not be a fangirl of Conan O' Brien anytime soon, but does like his hair.
- had her 6th month with Talley yesterday. <3 yay love
- misses newspaper
- needs to watch more movies
- needs money
- needs job
- has started on her calculus homework BOOOO
- needs to buy english books
And probably more but I won't bore you. =P No drama here this summer! =D Just good old fashioned AWESOME-NESS.