Oprahpokalips
Oprah does not fear Death. Oprah has discovered "The Omega Effect", a superluminous energy that shoots out of Eckhart Tolle's eyes, filling dying cancer victims, having connected to her Chicago studio via Skype, with a blaze of unadulterated bliss. OIt is the sort of bliss that a head-nodding, jibberish-spouting Oprah says is "like a spiritual enema". prah begins her show by sauntering out, fists pumping, to a Nina Simone song, "Ain't I got no, I got Life". Her guest cancer victim's eyes wiggle singed eyelashes, wax shaped tears falling from them, "it's like honey in the tea of religion," says oprah, emphasizing the space around her eyes, pale-white blotches, a mismatched tan that makes her look like a comic book superheroine. Just then, Tina, a hispanic girl connecting via Skype from Los Angeles, complains that the Omega Effect "takes the fun out of life. I just want to find a partner, enjoy my job, what's the poi--" but Oprah's dark stare silences the room. After five seconds without gestures, Tina's eyes become golden and sparkle, and the entire studio flashes into a pink-and-yellow light as Neil Young 's "It's a Dream" marks the passing of time. The scene commences exactly a week later--"last week", says Oprah, "you told the audience you didn't get the answer you wanted. But you have now, right?", Eckhart smiles and Tina nods her head, "blah blah oneness" says Tina, "blah blah being-in-the-moment. Blah Blah Godshead." Tina puts a coonskin cap on her head, adjusts a rifle and leaves the room. Jenny from Australia appears on Skype and tells Oprah that the Omega Effect has helped her abusive husband stop hitting her, "we've really moved beyond the abuse", she tells her, and Oprah smile, but a joyful tear falls down the wrong creek in her face and flies off, snowballing and growing larger, rolling into a blood-red fireball until it crashes into and vaporizes Jenny, who cries because "it feels so good, I can't believe I was always scared"
The audience is frightened-- it is then that Oprah's intergalactic arms dealer, silent partner and avid book club enthusiast Darkseid, a rock contoured alien demi-god, arrives to calm the audience, who are screaming and running into the parking lot. Oprah tries to appease them by giving them Geo's, but Darkseid crudely manifests them by making them appear above the audience's heads, falling quickly to the ground and crushing them. "Evolve or Die!!" screams oprah, trying to smile into the camera as the show goes off the air, "Evolve Or Die!! Evolve Or Die!! Evolve Or Die!! Evolve Or Die!!! Evolve or Diee!!", children and old women and pregnant transvestites are stuck underneath the Geos, whose brutal inhuman weight gnarls into mad contortions, crushing their victims like butterflies in slow motion. "Thanks for watching, Everybody" says Darkseid, who obliterates Eckhart with zig-zagging eye-blasts to the chakra, which causes his sense of smell and love of music to implode, collapsing his liver into his knees, who obliterates the producers; destroys the cameras that buckle, fall onto their backs like dying lizards and shoot into the air like hanged-men's ejaculating death-spasms, "thanks for watching everybody" says Darkseid, who obliterates the producers, who watch the glass shatter slowly before them and can't tell whether their unkempt hair in the ever-shattering reflection or the emotional geometries of the frightened audience deserve more attention, "thanks for watching, see you next time", says darkseid, who destroys the ceiling, which crumbles and falls down on the air, as Oprah pumps her fists and screams into the camera: "evolve or die!! evolve or die!! evolve or die!!", and a light fills the room, annihilating everything it touches like the love of a good book.
Illustration by silenceinspades