Jul 15, 2013 12:49
Incredible how your priorities shift, once you find your meaning in life. Your true goal. Some years ago, Rogier and I saw a movie. I think it was called "The Adjustment Bureau" with Matt Damon.We really liked it. The core idea of the movie is something I can sign under. It basically is that once people who were destined for greatness, to play an pivotal role in human history, find true love, their focus shifts to being happy with the person they wanna be with. Civilizations may loose a lot in a process, when great people find happiness and just want to experience it above all.Their ambition and hunger for great achievements fades away for the sake of love. A special "bureau" in that movie makes sure that great people do not end up with their "true loves", so they can keep their focus and social responsibility. Happiness of two is sacrificed for the benefit of many. Luckily, the movie has a happy ending. I couldn't agree more with its thesis though. This is not to say that I was ever destined for any greatness, but what I mean is that my priorities shifted 100% since I've met Rogier. He became and still is my absolute priority. I choose to do what makes me most happy. I almost don't play piano anymore, I do not draw, do not write. I gave up most of the things that I was fairly good at for the sake of extra time with him. Every second is absolutely priceless. I will always choose to do something with him than something, whatever fascinating and interesting it may be, without him. Although most of times we just do fascinating things together. This is what matters to me now. To be with him, to love him, to be loved by him. All the rest is secondary. It is somewhat easier for people to keep their focus and to be happy, if their job is their true calling rather than what life led them to due to certain circumstances. Then with the right balance you can achieve both greatness, contributing, something very useful to the society and still be happy in personal life. I update my LJ so rarely that I doubt that anyone is still reading it. And it is for the better. I really prefer it this way. I became exceptionally protective of my personal life and happiness. I am really not a person who puts it all out there. Younger generation who transmit their whole lives through twitter, facebook, share tons of pictures and valuable personal information just like that for everyone to see...this is not something I want to do. What makes me laugh the most are people who make pictures of themselves with their own phones and post it several times a day. But I also thing it is related to a certain stage and age in life..very young, when it feels so important to be attractive to as many people as possible. So someone who can be a good match would notice..I guess it makes sense on some level..or is it just pure narcissism and ego-centrism? Rogier and I both work a lot. This is another reason I have so little time for hobbies and have to prioritize heavily. I leave some time for my most favorite hobby - gaming and do it primary when Rogier is playing WoW. I try to be as efficient with my time as possible. I always combine house chores with listening to my favorite political and scientific programs. Also downloading them and putting them on my iPad, to listen on my way to and from work or when running.
We watch our favourite series during evening and weekend meals. We clean the house together, dividing the tasks and helping each other. All so that we have a little more time to do the good stuff together.
I don't really want to write about this, but I need to acknowledge it at least to my own diary: after successful completion of his last project, Rogier got assigned to a new one in London. He has to spend 4 days a week there (it varies every week, depending on project and his company needs as he is also in Works Council) I will never be able to describe how tough the separation with him is for me. I believe that we are deeply connected also on bio-chemical level. His pheromones, his body's good bacteria's are mixed with mine. Believe it or not, but I physically dislike being away from him. I miss him so deeply and so on every level that it is not just emotional, but also physiological. Rogier always had incredible pacifying effect on me. He himself may disagree with it sometimes as I do have terrible temper (yeah-yeah, I've said it many times). The peace I feel near him is unparalleled..it is a feeling of being complete..being at the right place, at the right time with the right person. The only right person for me. When it is about Rogier - I have a tunnel vision. He is the only man in my universe. I have absolutely zero interest in any other. I never flirt. I am very friendly with my colleague and friends, but there is an invisible wall, which is never down and I never succumb to any suggestive talks or speculations. Such things have zero value for me. I don't get excited by " other possibilities". I find loyalty and exclusiveness in relationship extremely sexy. No side kicks for me, thank you. I don't care how it sounds. I love romance and I just live in my own world, which I protect like a tigress. I am eternally grateful for every single second I spend with my husband. All my previous experiences with men I would have traded without a doubt for these experiences with him. I wish he was the first, I wish he was the only I ever had. I wish I have met him many-many years ago. With him I learned how to love someone more than yourself, put his interest first. All my life I was searching, waiting and hoping for the great love. Of epic, legendary depth. Some choices i have made I wish I never did. But doesn't anyone. I learned not to regret them (Rogier though me to accept and get over some things as I can really get stuck on some idea's and recycle them in my head over and over again..I am so happy he can get me out of such loop), as in the end they have led me to my Rogier. I had my fair share of pain, several nasty unfair experiences, but if in the end they lead me to my guy - it was all worth it. We spend many evenings skyping now. And no activity can be more interesting for me. To hear his voice, to see his face. It feels me with incredible emotions. Rogier and I have a goal, a focus and we work towards it as much as we can. I also finally arrived at the point that I want kids ( I always wanted them in the end in theory, but now I all ready emotionally). I want Rogier's babies. I want little Gieries. :) I want them to be as smart, strong and kind as him. Only, I do not want to get pregnant, while he has his London assignment...I want us to go through pregnancy together. Every step of the way.
I am a very cautious person. Do not like to act reckless or inconsiderate. I hate stupid, mindless crowds. Dislike uneducated, parasiting kind of people. Primitivism and stagnation upset me. I get very frustrated by corruption, lies and betrayals. Who doesn't...but I feel it very deeply and personal. I dream to see a world a better place. We have just one Earth for now for all of us. I wish that people would ascend to higher levels of mind and consciousness generally..not selectively. I take very personal what is going on in the world (as I constantly extrapolate things..futurism of a sort) and dream for people to get closet to "angels" (metaphor, I am not religious) and further away from low selfish instincts that harm others. I believe education, discipline and kindness is the key..as much as passion for achieving better. I hope to get amazing children with Rogier, whom we'll try to raise as strong, caring and useful people. But most of all I want them to be happy.
love,
rogier