Portal Of Evil
Portal of Evil is not to be confused with the much-loved Internet phenomenon, Goatse, whose abused nether region enlivened many a corporate email and put some folk off driving through the Eisenhower Tunnel for life. No, Portal of Evil (or PoE as its fanatically loyal members refer to it) is the self-styled "Yahoo of the weird", where homely college kids, nerds, geeks, former substance abusers, violently inclined midgets, and transsexual Microsoft employees congregate to voice their unabashed opinions of furries, otherkin, religious nuts, and insane people in the site's quaint 90s-style forums. Through the cathartic venting of their negative emotions these humble folk invest themselves with self-respect and develop and grow as online humorists and internet debaters, according to the site's founder and guiding intelligence Kevin T. "Kthor" Jensen, the notorious online humorist and bon vivant who is reported to have once ridden down Pike's Peak inside a burning steamer trunk.
From "An Interview with K. Thor Jensen" (unpublished)
PoE is Jensen's baby, and as he explained to me in his exclusive NYC apartment he could see right from the start that there were people who needed to be mocked on the Internet.
"I could see that someone had to search them out and set them up for the laughs and jeers," he says as I deftly remove his hand from my knee. "You see, the Internet is not for everyone. The Internet is for intelligent young middle class professionals like myself and my friends, hip young metrosexuals who use Apple Macintoshes and understand terms like 'multimedia' and 'paradigm' and 'teabagging' and who aren't afraid to say 'Fuck you'. It is not for dirty white trash AOL users to make webpages about their fleabitten cats and dead babies. And nor is it for filthy perverts in animal suits made of used carpet. That is why we mock these people."
I ask about the members' summer-camp, the famous PoE-Con, where these self-appointed Masters of the Online Universe gather to let down their hair and indulge in bacchanalian excesses that would make Caligula blush, presided over by Chester ("Call me Chet or I kill you") Faliszek, the site's webmaster, dressed in a red latex devil costume and wielding a bullwhip. There are a hundred eye-popping tales of what goes on at PoE-Cons, what with the fireworks, the inflatable grandmothers, the improbable quantities of liquor, and the notoriously willing female members.
"Those rumors are all true," he says with a smile. "The guys and girls all know each other; what could be more natural than to get all down and dirty with a drum of Crisco in an inflatable paddling pool while Chet whips the bejesus out of us? Hey, that isn't recording, is it?"
I put it to Jensen that his world-famous website is no more than a hate site when all's said and done, and that the members seem to display a great deal of homophobia among other more acceptable prejudices, a charge he airily denies.
"Nonsense. The use of the word 'fag' is just a friendly slapdown. Like calling someone a 'mongoloid' or a 'spook'; no more than that."
And what about the furries? The members of the anthropomorphic fandom seem to perceive PoE as being unfavorably disposed towards them.
"Jesus Christ, guy," he blurts out. "Those f***** freaks are jerking off to Tiny Toons porn and having sex dressed up as Clifford the Big Red Dog. Of COURSE we're un-f******-favorably disposed toward them, the sick f***s. Unlike faggots it's totally acceptable to hate dog-f*****s." He smiles winningly. "I hope they all burn in Hell."
External links
Portal of Evil
Portal of Evil News
This piece previously appeared on Uncyclopedia but was rightfully deleted on the grounds that it was forumcruft.
From "An Interview with K. Thor Jensen" (unpublished)
PoE is Jensen's baby, and as he explained to me in his exclusive NYC apartment he could see right from the start that there were people who needed to be mocked on the Internet.
"I could see that someone had to search them out and set them up for the laughs and jeers," he says as I deftly remove his hand from my knee. "You see, the Internet is not for everyone. The Internet is for intelligent young middle class professionals like myself and my friends, hip young metrosexuals who use Apple Macintoshes and understand terms like 'multimedia' and 'paradigm' and 'teabagging' and who aren't afraid to say 'Fuck you'. It is not for dirty white trash AOL users to make webpages about their fleabitten cats and dead babies. And nor is it for filthy perverts in animal suits made of used carpet. That is why we mock these people."
I ask about the members' summer-camp, the famous PoE-Con, where these self-appointed Masters of the Online Universe gather to let down their hair and indulge in bacchanalian excesses that would make Caligula blush, presided over by Chester ("Call me Chet or I kill you") Faliszek, the site's webmaster, dressed in a red latex devil costume and wielding a bullwhip. There are a hundred eye-popping tales of what goes on at PoE-Cons, what with the fireworks, the inflatable grandmothers, the improbable quantities of liquor, and the notoriously willing female members.
"Those rumors are all true," he says with a smile. "The guys and girls all know each other; what could be more natural than to get all down and dirty with a drum of Crisco in an inflatable paddling pool while Chet whips the bejesus out of us? Hey, that isn't recording, is it?"
I put it to Jensen that his world-famous website is no more than a hate site when all's said and done, and that the members seem to display a great deal of homophobia among other more acceptable prejudices, a charge he airily denies.
"Nonsense. The use of the word 'fag' is just a friendly slapdown. Like calling someone a 'mongoloid' or a 'spook'; no more than that."
And what about the furries? The members of the anthropomorphic fandom seem to perceive PoE as being unfavorably disposed towards them.
"Jesus Christ, guy," he blurts out. "Those f***** freaks are jerking off to Tiny Toons porn and having sex dressed up as Clifford the Big Red Dog. Of COURSE we're un-f******-favorably disposed toward them, the sick f***s. Unlike faggots it's totally acceptable to hate dog-f*****s." He smiles winningly. "I hope they all burn in Hell."
External links
Portal of Evil
Portal of Evil News
This piece previously appeared on Uncyclopedia but was rightfully deleted on the grounds that it was forumcruft.