nowishredoux Fearing the inevitable.
When I arrived I never thought that I would feel as good as I do now. I was weak, and tired and stressed, not to mention starving. I didn't eat anything last night, I couldn't. I just couldn't bring myself to want to eat anything, which I could tell pained him, but I couldn't help it. I didn't expect though that I would feel so comfortable in his arms, the arms of a man....they warmed me, something that I didn't think possible of this weak shell of a former nerd, someone who said she could never feel for a man again.
For the first time since...since Tara died I was actually able to relax in someones arms and not worry about what they will think about me. Not worrying about what they will think about the girl who let the darkness take over and allowed me to kill people. Mind you Rack and Warren weren't the best kind of people, but I am not a god, I don't decide who lives or dies when they are human. I just wish that I could take all of that back, make me something other than a murderer...though if I could, I wouldn't be here in the arms of a man that actually cares. I guess with the bad comes the good...really good.
I don't know how long I actually slept after Wesley made love to me..but when I woke up he was holding me as if his life depended on it, as if he were to let go I would slip away never to be seen again. It is funny, but I don't think I could live away from him now. When I first arrived, I was considering running away, considering finding a seedy motel and just starting over there, somewhere where no one could judge me for my past. I considered letting the fear control me, hell it has for so many years. Why should I let it go now? Why should I let go of the one constant in my life?
You would think that I would learn how to be alone, and push away the love of anyone by now...with Oz leaving, Tara dying, Buffy, Xander, Dawn and whoever else turning their backs on me, but no. I look at the one good feeling I have had in months and I cling to it, knowing the risk involved and not caring. I know that once Wesley wakes up and realizes who he just made love to he will run away like everyone else..he has to. I mean how could anyone love me? Me a hopeless nerd full of dark powers she still is scared to use...how could anyone love that?
I fear his leaving, though it is inevitable, but I can't ignore the way I feel right now. I have never felt more at home and safe in my life. I guess I will just hold on to it as long as I can and pray that when the day comes he realizes he doesn't want me that he atleast gives me warning of his leave, not like I can ask for anything more.
For the first time since...since Tara died I was actually able to relax in someones arms and not worry about what they will think about me. Not worrying about what they will think about the girl who let the darkness take over and allowed me to kill people. Mind you Rack and Warren weren't the best kind of people, but I am not a god, I don't decide who lives or dies when they are human. I just wish that I could take all of that back, make me something other than a murderer...though if I could, I wouldn't be here in the arms of a man that actually cares. I guess with the bad comes the good...really good.
I don't know how long I actually slept after Wesley made love to me..but when I woke up he was holding me as if his life depended on it, as if he were to let go I would slip away never to be seen again. It is funny, but I don't think I could live away from him now. When I first arrived, I was considering running away, considering finding a seedy motel and just starting over there, somewhere where no one could judge me for my past. I considered letting the fear control me, hell it has for so many years. Why should I let it go now? Why should I let go of the one constant in my life?
You would think that I would learn how to be alone, and push away the love of anyone by now...with Oz leaving, Tara dying, Buffy, Xander, Dawn and whoever else turning their backs on me, but no. I look at the one good feeling I have had in months and I cling to it, knowing the risk involved and not caring. I know that once Wesley wakes up and realizes who he just made love to he will run away like everyone else..he has to. I mean how could anyone love me? Me a hopeless nerd full of dark powers she still is scared to use...how could anyone love that?
I fear his leaving, though it is inevitable, but I can't ignore the way I feel right now. I have never felt more at home and safe in my life. I guess I will just hold on to it as long as I can and pray that when the day comes he realizes he doesn't want me that he atleast gives me warning of his leave, not like I can ask for anything more.