Life keeps getting in the way
Okay, I just need to say this. I am not effing confused. Stop telling me I'm confused, because I'm not. You guys that say that are the ones who are confused. I like girls and I like guys; what about that is so hard to understand? That's not confusion; I'm attracted to personality, okay? The fact that you're a guy or girl doesn't usually matter. So stop trying to tell me who I am - it drives me crazy. It's taken me this long to finally start accepting myself - to not be so afraid of letting people know, my family excluded - so I'm not letting anyone change that.
Now then. I think I have some things to talk about. Firstly, all my stress about school and that stupid pre-med bio class was pretty pointless. Somehow, and it doesn't add up or make any logical sense unless there was a huge curve, I managed a C in both lecture and lab. I'm pretty damn proud of myself. However, now my worries have shifted to the fact I'm flat broke with no job and nothing lined up for the summer. I'm totally freaking out. Because my mom has no job and is in college and is worried her unemployment is about to run out, and my dad's hours have been cut at work because of the economy crap. Furthermore, all my classes next semester are in the afternoon/evening, so I can't get a job there, not that I can find one on campus anyway. Besides that, I'm taking nineteen credit hours next semester to catch up. How the hell am I supposed to have a job too unless I work nights for the security desk, but they're never hiring. I have a whole $200 bucks that's supposed to last me the next six months at least, and there's a con coming up that I need to help pay for. Not to mention gas expenses.
I'm so totally fucked. I've never been this low on money ever. I haven't had to ask my parents for money in...not since my junior year in high school. Seriously, I'm scared. I turned in five or six job applications so far and no one has called back. I don't know what to do. How sad is this? I've actually been trying to consider selling my possessions for money. I don't know what I could possibly have that anyone would want for a decent amount of cash, but I need to do something before I have nothing left. I can't ask my parents. I feel bad asking them, I haven't asked them for anything in years. Besides, they don't have any money either. When did things get so bad? I don't even know how it happened, but suddenly I'm staring at my savings account terrified. I haven't bought much of anything except for gas and christmas presents. So I don't really know how this happened at all. Argh. I don't think I'm going to be moving out by next fall. I really wanted that apartment with Caroline but...dammit. Fuck, I need a job. My stupid leg is preventing me from going back to the carwash, saying they'll take me back anyway because they aren't doing well at all, but I'm about to say fuck the pain and go work if they would take me. At least then I'd be able to make a little. I'd at least have more than I have now, and that's a start. Sigh. I need help, and I don't like admiting that, but I do. I don't like recieving stuff from other people to begin with, but now I feel like I'm begging. I'm so pathetic. As long as I don't do anything for the next...year, I should be able to get myself back on my feet.
Okay, I'm done complaining about that. In other news, I think there might be something very wrong with me healthwise that has nothing to do with my leg ordeal. I should probably go get checked out, but I don't have a doctor to go to. When I turned eighteen, I never got a new one. So...I dunno what to do. It's rather personal on top of everything else, so I'm totally embarassed to tell my mom why I need to go to the doctor. But I don't think this is the kind of thing you let go too long without doing something about it, unless you want to deal with serious consequences, so I should probably find a doctor. But I have no idea how to do that. I don't exactly know the mechanics of figuring that out and all the paperwork and insurance stuff that goes along with it. I'm honestly scared too. I don't like doctors number one, and number two, well, I guess I'm scared of what they'd find. Arghs. And what if it costs money, too? Seriously, we can't deal with that. Sigh. Stupid body. Could you have picked a worse time to be any more stupid than you already are? As if my leg wasn't causing enough problems. How can I be falling apart at nineteen? Seriously, it's ludacris.
Ah, and the twenty-sixth has finally come and past. It was a rough day. Too many memories. Odd how that date two years ago, our relationship was just beginning, nervous-giddiness in all its innocence. And how last year, it had already fallen apart to the point beyond repair. How the first year, I was crying from the pure happiness that there was a chance, potential, a possibility. I cried because I was in love with the most amazing person in the world. And last, I was in tears because I had let my last chance slip away, let our relationship die, shrivel up like a wilted flower petal. I had ignored the unspoken truth, her feelings, selfishly clinging to my own neediness. I cried because she wouldn't dance with me. I cried because I was hopelessly in love and she wasn't. I knew it was my last chance, I knew that night would tell me the outcome of our relationship, but there really wasn't anything left saving at that point. So yesterday was difficult for me. Bittersweet memories of beginnings and endings and everything in between. I find it ironic that she wrote I'm the one with the control, when in all actuality, she's always been the one to hold that power. She was in control of me more than she knows, more than I probably ever let on. I was like jelly in her hands. ...Is that the right expression? Well, you get the point.
I'm just so stupid, ya know? I've moved on. I've moved on. I've moved on, I kept telling myself. And then we'll be sitting beside each other and I see her neck and I suddenly can't control my heartbeat. I swear, she's torturing me, not that I don't deserve it or anything after all that's happened. But to be completely honest: yes, I miss us. Yes, when I see somewhere romantic looking, she's the first person I think about taking and want to take there. Yes, I know a part of me is still in love and yearns for us. Yes, I doubt I will ever completely get over her. But I also know that we work best as best friends and only that. Regardless of my stupid feelings, I know this is how it's supposed to be and I have accepted that. Yes, I do still have moments when I want nothing more than to kiss her senseless, to touch my lips to her neck again, but I've been working on it. I'm better and I know that deep down I don't want to be anything more than just best friends. Because we're better this way. I think we're both happier. It's just the way it's supposed to be. I truly do just want to be her friend. I have my moments, but that really is because a part of me will always love her as more than a friend, and that's okay because she'll always hold a part of my heart that only belongs to her as long as she wants it. But I really am incredibly happy just the way we are, the right now, the two best friends with enough dysfunction, we should probably be admitted to an insane asylum. And I'm more than completely satisfied with that. Her undying friendship will always be enough for me and as long as she will continue to put up with me, she's stuck with me for life. Poor girl. XD
Okay, how about something not so cheesy? Christmas with my dad's side of the family...today. I guess it's today now. It's seven am. Damn. I started this at five-thirty. The tv distracted me. Okay, so anyway, that should be interesting. My glass isn't ever going to get empty again. I really dislike my dad's side of the family, save two and a half people. I say half because my baby cousin is considered in that. At least Jon has rockband this year, so I'm going to occupy my time on that probably the entire day. Hopefully we don't stay too long. My mom isn't fond of that side of the family either, so I have hope we won't be there all frickin day. I'm really not looking forward to seeing my grandmother. I know that sounds awful, but she's so racist and she ignores the hell out of me. She didn't even say one word to me last christmas. And when she does actually talk to me, she guilt-trips me like there's no tomorrow. Argh. I don't want to think about today, so I'm going to stop talking about it.
It's been a rough week for me. Bleh. I'm rather glad it's over. I can't wait til new years, mainly because of the figuative meaning behind it. The whole starting fresh and anew thing. I could really use that right about now. Way too much has happened this year that honestly, I would love to just forget about. I'm done making mistakes though. I think the whole giving up relationships for the time being has really helped me out, too. Just the idea makes me feel better. I'm too busy trying to figure out my life anyway, so fuck 'em. Someone will change my mind one of these days, I think, and then I'll give it another chance. But until then, anyone who wants a relationship better know that it's not happening. Sorry, but no thank you. I'm done, happily so. The new year should be pretty fun though if I ever figure out what I'm doing. Stay in Dover, party with Suzi and/or Cassie/Sheila, go with Pookie to a party in Michigan and see Asian Chris, or then there's Kayla's house, or party with Nick and Kristi down in Columbus, and what about Caroline and Adam?... Jae and Miho might be having something in Kent? I seriously don't even know. How the hell am I supposed to do all that in one night? I should really probably figure that out soon. I think I need to talk to peoples pronto. I'll make a note of that.
I also need to get out to Jae's sometime soon. Have to give him and Miho and Pookie their ridiculously random Christmas presents. And then there's that party Eugene wants to have in Cleveland or Brunswick or whever the hell it is. Oh, but I'm super stoked that My Dude is finally coming home for two weeks from the navy! Haven't seen him in a frickin year! I miss him soooooo much! I can't wait to tackle him! ^^ I bet Nicky is so glad her fiance is finally home for a short while. We have so much to catch up on; it's going to be awesome. I think I did have more to talk about... Well, I always have something to talk about. Here's a very brief nutshell:
Robert Sean-Leonard is a sexy-ass teenage vampire with fangs. I'd do him. :3 Hanauhka, Christmas exchange one, awesome fun. There was bleeding from card games. Christmas exchange two, also awesome fun. Guitar Hero World Tour pretty much rocks and Commentary the Musical makes my life complete. I'm going to kill an infuriatingly obnoxious blinking tree at a potential serial killer's house. Umbrellas opened in car = much wicked fun. I has me a Steve. Did I mention the sexy-ass vampire from awesome, cheesy 80s movie? Drinky party with Pookie was madness. I wonder which one of my friend's I'll hate next time I'm wasted, because it seems to be a pattern. O.o I love Wall-E and it's uber cuteness. Walmart hates the Jewish. I text my darling Sam on Christmas and I missed her lots - we're chatting all the time again since it's been a while. It was surprisingly sixty gorgeous degrees yesterday. Movie night with Cassie and Sheila was awesome and I missed movie nights so it made me happy. SO many new episodes to my favorite shows soon, ie Scrubs, Psych, Monky, House. Yays. Soul Eater cosplay actually looks kickass and I can't wait until I get my wig so I can try the whole thing on. Winter Solstice: enough said. XD Nothing like getting naked and running through the "woods" in celebration of winter and mother earth with your best friend and her mother. (Okay, so we were naked and covered in robes and such, but the lil sister was getting upset, so we comprmised by putting our clothes back on dancing around a tree in negative degree weather. That was far too entertaining though. Next year, it's gonna happen. XD I love the mad craziness of Michelle's mother. I totally get her. :3
Okay, so I think I need to stop leaving such big gaps between updates because my entries get really frickin long. It's past seven-thirty though, so I should try and get an hour or so of sleep before my mom comes and wakes me up. This is what I get for sleeping all day yesterday. All wells. Night for now, then.
Damn, there's light coming through my blinds. Lol.