One step forward, two steps back
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, especially this last month or so. You know, I've really made a lot of mistakes in my life. Many more than I care to remember. And I don't really know what to think about the way my life is headed right now. I don't really know if I'm a better person, because I don't really feel like one, or if I'll ever be one. But it's the mistakes that shape us, right? And how we fix them that define us. I hope I can be a good person someday, I'm really trying to be.
I've just been incredibly stressed out lately. In all truth I'm absolutely terrified at where my life is headed in the future, simply because I don't know where I'll end up. It seems like everyone knows what they want to do with their lives, what they want to accomplish, their goals and dreams. And I...I just don't know what I want to do. The only thing I'm sure of is I want to help people somehow. I do want to make a difference in someone's life for the better. I started this semester, thinking that I could get into Physical Therapy. It seemed perfect. I went and shadowed Cassie's mom at work and I knew that I could do her job, that I wanted to do it. And already I'm being stopped by this stupid-ass biology class. The thing that sucks is that I just don't think I'm smart enough to handle it. It's intimidating me, and now I don't know where my life is going. I mean, if I can't get through a basic pre-med bio class, how am I even suppose to consider all the other sciences and maths I'm going to need to take, which are both my worst subjects. I was really counting on this as my career path. It was actually that something that I really wanted to do, and now that I'm failing the class, I just don't know where to turn next. I haven't found anything else that interested me enough besides psychology, but I'm not sure I want to major in that.
It's just annoying. Maybe I'm just not cut out for this, but what else am I going to do? I'm sure there's something else...but I don't know what. And if I can't get through a general pre-med bio, then that kind of eliminates all health service positions. Maybe I'm being a little dramatic and I'm just having a freakout, but it's really getting to me. I'm ready to get on with my life. I'm ready to know what I want to do. I don't exactly have much time left to decide. I don't want to waste all this time in college and build up all these loans and end up getting a minimum wage job after all this work just because I have no idea where my life is headed. I know this is something I need to figure out myself, but sometimes I just wish someone could give me the answers, you know? I just wish I had the answers, I really do. And I wish I was smart enough to get through this class. I've probably just let it get to me and now I'm suffering for it, but I can't help it. The class is kicking my ass and I'm letting it. Argh. >.<
You know, I see all these students walking around campus, knowing exactly where they're headed in life. They have all this drive and motivation and commitment to do great things, and I get that effect of everyone moving forward away from me, going out to live their lives while I'm stuck in place with no idea which way to even start running. I'm just fustrated and all my schoolwork is making things more difficult, plus all the new decisions I have to make in the next few short months. Stay in Cleveland and try and continue with therapy or go to Kent and pursue psychology? Is there something other than psychology I would want to do since Kent doesn't have therapy as a major? Get an apartment or live in dorms if I do transfer to Kent? Transfer during winter break or stay in Cleveland until next fall? If I get the apartment, do I commute to Cleveland or transfer to Kent? How am I even going to pay for this apartment to begin with? Where am I going to get a better job, and will I need to pick up another one? How am I going to be able to afford all these expenses? There's so much to consider and I'm rather confused right now. I just have so much to think about. I just need to step back and breathe.
In other news Twilight comes out in about two weeks! I'm psyched. I hope it's going to be good. And hopefully one day, Steph Meyer will get over her little tantrum about the Midnight Sun leak and actually finish and publish the book. Seriously, if you didn't want it leaked, don't lend it to untrustworthy people. The world wants to see Edward's perspective, so please finish it! The entire fandom will beg and probably commit murder if that's what it'll take to get it published. XD Oh, I've decided I'm going to skip the Secondhand Serenade concert on the 18th. As much as I'd like to go, I really don't want to spend any more money if I can help it. Kelli's birthday is coming up, and I made her this kickass shirt online, but it's a little on the expensive side and I'm not sure I want to pay for it right now either. Sorry, Kelli. l'm still thinking about it. Maybe I'll get it for her for Christmas. I need to find something else to get her though, instead. Hm... Oh, my leg's been acting up again, the stupid thing. It got pretty bad earlier today and I couldn't put any pressure on it for a solid hour. I wish it was fixed; I hate it. Sometimes I really wish they would have found a tumor in my leg when I got my MRI after the x-rays. I mean, they would have at least been able to try and fix it because they would have known what it was, but no one knows what's wrong at this point even after seeing three doctors. I hate doctors too. I don't want to go to any more of them, but my leg just keeps getting worse. Ugh, I think Im just going to deal. I'm tired of doctors, and I'm tired of them telling me they don't know what's causing the pain.
Let's see, what else? Oh, Sugoicon totally kicked ass. I was really happy I went, but I felt kinda in the way of the staff people. I hope I wasn't. I tried not to be at least, so I just kinda followed Caroline around for a better part of the weekend since she seemed to be the one less busy compared to the others. I really didn't want to be in the way and cause anyone trouble. I'm so grateful to Jae though for letting me and Kelli stay with him. I wish I could repay him somehow, because we really didn't work to earn our room there like everyone else did -- I'm feeling a little guilty about it, actually. I'll have to think of something, even though he says it's okay. Sugoi was a good time though. One of my favorite cons I've been to and I didn't even go to a single panel. Imagine that. I missed my other group of friends though. I've never been to a con without Michelle, so it was kinda sad. But they had fun at Youma, so it's all good. ^^
I've been considering putting a stop to my con-circut for a while. I already paid for Ohayocon 09 at the previous one, but maybe I could get Ricky or someone to just pay me the twenty-five bucks and take my badge. I will be at Colossalcon, because that's pretty much epic, but how I'm going to pay for it, I'm still unsure. Adam said I could work and get a free badge at least, but that still leaves the hotel and stuff. My birthday's June 1st though, and the con is three days later, so maybe it could just be my birthday present or something? Nah, my parents aren't even close to being that generous. Hell, my dad has hardly acknowledged my presence for the last few years. I can come home for the weekends and he won't even say a single word to me, even though I've been gone for a month or two. It's frustrating. I don't particulary like living at home, mostly because it's never felt like much of a home to begin with, especially with all the years my mom and I have spent tearing at each other's throats constantly. There's just been too much emotional damage for me to conider that place a real home, hell, my friends' families have felt more like a family to me than my own parents (my brother is the exception). That's why I'm really pushing for the chance at this apartment. I don't want to let it slip away and be stuck home for another year or two; I can't handle it there anymore -- I couldn't handle it there the last few years. I need to save my money like crazy, no more useless spending on anything. So that means I may not be at Ohayocon, depending on if I can get someone to cover my badge for me. If not, I'll probably go since I already paid for it. Then just Colossal will be my only con next year. I think Otakon is out of the question again this year. Maybe another time; it's just too damn expensive. But cutting back on cons will help me save some money, and also give me those days to work. Now, if only I can find a better job.
I almost forgot, and I don't know how that's even remotely possible, but Barrak Obama won the presidential election! *confetti* I'm so freaking happy about it! Because seriously, if that ancient dino and his vice chistrian-meth moose were elected into the White House, I would have prayed to whatever gods existed for the survival of America, but let them know we did this to ourselves. Then I would be high-tailing my ass over the border to Canada before McDino (That's McCain's new name btdubbs XD) finished his acceptance speech, because I refuse to be buried in the shit-hole of our economy by our country's own ignorance. So, needless to say, Obama winning made me a very happy person. I am glad I did not have to try and flee the country last night and somehow learn French in record time. So it is a very good thing. And such a monumental event, too! It's so very inspiring. People around the world are celebrating. Obama's acceptance speech was pretty moving as well. When I was younger, I never really understood what all this meant because it never really affected me. And besides, the ones I can remember are Clinton, and then the two terms of our current dumbass and worst president in the history of America. But I voted, and I actually had a sense of pride that I've never felt toward America before. I actually felt like I made a difference, and voiced that there was something terribly wrong with our government and it was time for change. I mean, honestly, I'm rather disgusted with our country and everything that's happened, especially in the last eight years, so excuse me for being biased. Though, it's our corrupted governement that I really hate; I actualy like the idea America used to stand for. But when Fox announced Obama had won, I had a sense of hope that maybe there's a chance for America to turn itself around for the better of not just mainstream society, but everyone. It's nice to actually feel hope for my country for once. And it's nice to actually believe that maybe, just maybe, one day I can be proud to say I'm American. And besides, Obama monkey-palmed McDino's ass! It was fantastic. ^^
Gah, anyway, I should get off here. I need to finish some homework, and I was using this to procrastinate. Until next time. Oh, and happy November 5th. It's Guy Fawkes day, a day that should never be forgot. :3
I've just been incredibly stressed out lately. In all truth I'm absolutely terrified at where my life is headed in the future, simply because I don't know where I'll end up. It seems like everyone knows what they want to do with their lives, what they want to accomplish, their goals and dreams. And I...I just don't know what I want to do. The only thing I'm sure of is I want to help people somehow. I do want to make a difference in someone's life for the better. I started this semester, thinking that I could get into Physical Therapy. It seemed perfect. I went and shadowed Cassie's mom at work and I knew that I could do her job, that I wanted to do it. And already I'm being stopped by this stupid-ass biology class. The thing that sucks is that I just don't think I'm smart enough to handle it. It's intimidating me, and now I don't know where my life is going. I mean, if I can't get through a basic pre-med bio class, how am I even suppose to consider all the other sciences and maths I'm going to need to take, which are both my worst subjects. I was really counting on this as my career path. It was actually that something that I really wanted to do, and now that I'm failing the class, I just don't know where to turn next. I haven't found anything else that interested me enough besides psychology, but I'm not sure I want to major in that.
It's just annoying. Maybe I'm just not cut out for this, but what else am I going to do? I'm sure there's something else...but I don't know what. And if I can't get through a general pre-med bio, then that kind of eliminates all health service positions. Maybe I'm being a little dramatic and I'm just having a freakout, but it's really getting to me. I'm ready to get on with my life. I'm ready to know what I want to do. I don't exactly have much time left to decide. I don't want to waste all this time in college and build up all these loans and end up getting a minimum wage job after all this work just because I have no idea where my life is headed. I know this is something I need to figure out myself, but sometimes I just wish someone could give me the answers, you know? I just wish I had the answers, I really do. And I wish I was smart enough to get through this class. I've probably just let it get to me and now I'm suffering for it, but I can't help it. The class is kicking my ass and I'm letting it. Argh. >.<
You know, I see all these students walking around campus, knowing exactly where they're headed in life. They have all this drive and motivation and commitment to do great things, and I get that effect of everyone moving forward away from me, going out to live their lives while I'm stuck in place with no idea which way to even start running. I'm just fustrated and all my schoolwork is making things more difficult, plus all the new decisions I have to make in the next few short months. Stay in Cleveland and try and continue with therapy or go to Kent and pursue psychology? Is there something other than psychology I would want to do since Kent doesn't have therapy as a major? Get an apartment or live in dorms if I do transfer to Kent? Transfer during winter break or stay in Cleveland until next fall? If I get the apartment, do I commute to Cleveland or transfer to Kent? How am I even going to pay for this apartment to begin with? Where am I going to get a better job, and will I need to pick up another one? How am I going to be able to afford all these expenses? There's so much to consider and I'm rather confused right now. I just have so much to think about. I just need to step back and breathe.
In other news Twilight comes out in about two weeks! I'm psyched. I hope it's going to be good. And hopefully one day, Steph Meyer will get over her little tantrum about the Midnight Sun leak and actually finish and publish the book. Seriously, if you didn't want it leaked, don't lend it to untrustworthy people. The world wants to see Edward's perspective, so please finish it! The entire fandom will beg and probably commit murder if that's what it'll take to get it published. XD Oh, I've decided I'm going to skip the Secondhand Serenade concert on the 18th. As much as I'd like to go, I really don't want to spend any more money if I can help it. Kelli's birthday is coming up, and I made her this kickass shirt online, but it's a little on the expensive side and I'm not sure I want to pay for it right now either. Sorry, Kelli. l'm still thinking about it. Maybe I'll get it for her for Christmas. I need to find something else to get her though, instead. Hm... Oh, my leg's been acting up again, the stupid thing. It got pretty bad earlier today and I couldn't put any pressure on it for a solid hour. I wish it was fixed; I hate it. Sometimes I really wish they would have found a tumor in my leg when I got my MRI after the x-rays. I mean, they would have at least been able to try and fix it because they would have known what it was, but no one knows what's wrong at this point even after seeing three doctors. I hate doctors too. I don't want to go to any more of them, but my leg just keeps getting worse. Ugh, I think Im just going to deal. I'm tired of doctors, and I'm tired of them telling me they don't know what's causing the pain.
Let's see, what else? Oh, Sugoicon totally kicked ass. I was really happy I went, but I felt kinda in the way of the staff people. I hope I wasn't. I tried not to be at least, so I just kinda followed Caroline around for a better part of the weekend since she seemed to be the one less busy compared to the others. I really didn't want to be in the way and cause anyone trouble. I'm so grateful to Jae though for letting me and Kelli stay with him. I wish I could repay him somehow, because we really didn't work to earn our room there like everyone else did -- I'm feeling a little guilty about it, actually. I'll have to think of something, even though he says it's okay. Sugoi was a good time though. One of my favorite cons I've been to and I didn't even go to a single panel. Imagine that. I missed my other group of friends though. I've never been to a con without Michelle, so it was kinda sad. But they had fun at Youma, so it's all good. ^^
I've been considering putting a stop to my con-circut for a while. I already paid for Ohayocon 09 at the previous one, but maybe I could get Ricky or someone to just pay me the twenty-five bucks and take my badge. I will be at Colossalcon, because that's pretty much epic, but how I'm going to pay for it, I'm still unsure. Adam said I could work and get a free badge at least, but that still leaves the hotel and stuff. My birthday's June 1st though, and the con is three days later, so maybe it could just be my birthday present or something? Nah, my parents aren't even close to being that generous. Hell, my dad has hardly acknowledged my presence for the last few years. I can come home for the weekends and he won't even say a single word to me, even though I've been gone for a month or two. It's frustrating. I don't particulary like living at home, mostly because it's never felt like much of a home to begin with, especially with all the years my mom and I have spent tearing at each other's throats constantly. There's just been too much emotional damage for me to conider that place a real home, hell, my friends' families have felt more like a family to me than my own parents (my brother is the exception). That's why I'm really pushing for the chance at this apartment. I don't want to let it slip away and be stuck home for another year or two; I can't handle it there anymore -- I couldn't handle it there the last few years. I need to save my money like crazy, no more useless spending on anything. So that means I may not be at Ohayocon, depending on if I can get someone to cover my badge for me. If not, I'll probably go since I already paid for it. Then just Colossal will be my only con next year. I think Otakon is out of the question again this year. Maybe another time; it's just too damn expensive. But cutting back on cons will help me save some money, and also give me those days to work. Now, if only I can find a better job.
I almost forgot, and I don't know how that's even remotely possible, but Barrak Obama won the presidential election! *confetti* I'm so freaking happy about it! Because seriously, if that ancient dino and his vice chistrian-meth moose were elected into the White House, I would have prayed to whatever gods existed for the survival of America, but let them know we did this to ourselves. Then I would be high-tailing my ass over the border to Canada before McDino (That's McCain's new name btdubbs XD) finished his acceptance speech, because I refuse to be buried in the shit-hole of our economy by our country's own ignorance. So, needless to say, Obama winning made me a very happy person. I am glad I did not have to try and flee the country last night and somehow learn French in record time. So it is a very good thing. And such a monumental event, too! It's so very inspiring. People around the world are celebrating. Obama's acceptance speech was pretty moving as well. When I was younger, I never really understood what all this meant because it never really affected me. And besides, the ones I can remember are Clinton, and then the two terms of our current dumbass and worst president in the history of America. But I voted, and I actually had a sense of pride that I've never felt toward America before. I actually felt like I made a difference, and voiced that there was something terribly wrong with our government and it was time for change. I mean, honestly, I'm rather disgusted with our country and everything that's happened, especially in the last eight years, so excuse me for being biased. Though, it's our corrupted governement that I really hate; I actualy like the idea America used to stand for. But when Fox announced Obama had won, I had a sense of hope that maybe there's a chance for America to turn itself around for the better of not just mainstream society, but everyone. It's nice to actually feel hope for my country for once. And it's nice to actually believe that maybe, just maybe, one day I can be proud to say I'm American. And besides, Obama monkey-palmed McDino's ass! It was fantastic. ^^
Gah, anyway, I should get off here. I need to finish some homework, and I was using this to procrastinate. Until next time. Oh, and happy November 5th. It's Guy Fawkes day, a day that should never be forgot. :3