Tragic Curiosity
So, guess what? I've decided I'm actually, truly going to use this thing now. I know, I know, don't die of shock. I really mean it though; I've been wandering lj far too long now to not update my own, and honestly, I kind of feel guilty that I've been to lazy to stick with it.
Anyway, it's two in the morning, and I just finished reading Th1rteen R3asons Why, a novel by Jay Asher that I checked out of the library earlier today. It was...a beautiful book, but so incredibly tragic. Raw, emotional, painful, and yet, still somehow hopeful in the end. It made me do some deep thinking.
Firstly, here's a short summary. It's about a boy, Clay Jensen, who one day recieves a package on his doorstep with no return address. There are seven cassette tapes inside. They were made by Hannah Baker, a girl at his school who committed suicide two weeks before. On these tapes, Hannah's voice tells him that Clay's name is on the tapes somewhere, and he is, in some way, responsible for her death. The story follows Clay listening to the secrets of Hannah's life and the "snowball effect" that drove her to suicide.
The book is fantastic, but it really made me start thinking, which can be mildly terrifying and not a very good thing sometimes. This time though, it's okay, promise. I just started thinking about what I would say to people -- how I would say goodbye to them and what I would say. Like, if I were considering suicide (and I'm not, promise) and I made tapes like Hannah, what would I say on them? Hannah had an interconnecting story to tell, but I don't think I really have that. Because I know I have people that care about me, why I don't understand sometimes because I rarely feel worthy of their kindness and loyalty, but I know they do, and I know they would be hurt if something ever happened to me. So what would I say to the important people in my life, if I were in a similar situation? It's really hard to think about. What would be my last words to the people I love?
Strange. Everyone's thought about death though, and suicide, at some point. What life would be like if they weren't around. Life would go on, but how would it effect those around you? I know I have thought of this plenty of times. Does that mean I'm going to kill myself? No, absolutely not. First off, I'm way too much of a coward. I also know I've made some huge mistakes and I've hurt a lot of people in the last few years that I will never fully get over the guilt of, but there's still so much I have to do in this life. It wouldn't make sense, would it? If I've hurt these people and my friends, I should spend my time making amends, not hurt them more because I've done something like offing myself for their benefit.
It's true though, I do think sometimes that a few people's lives would be better off without me, but that's only when the guilt gets to be too much, when everything just seems so suffocating like I'm drowning and I can't resurface. I escape then, detach from reality for a day or so, run to the worn pages of my books and hide away, losing myself in a world I can only dream about. And then when I return, my head clears and I feel refreshed, more like I'm treading the water rather than sinking into a dark abyss. Didn't Bella use this metaphor in New Moon? I think so, something very similar to it. It's a fitting comparison though.
I feel I have more to say, but I'm not really sure. My thoughts are kind of jumbled right now. I think I need something to focus on. Hm. I have no desire to actually do my philosophy reading about terrorism for tomorrow. How boring. It's not like I can lay down and try to sleep though either. The boys across the hall are being particularly loud for this early in the morning (three a.m. now), but it's to be expected; it doesn't bother me. I think perhaps I'll get off here and watch the sky or something. That's one of my favorite things to do, watch the sleeping city and the sky. Too bad it's cloudy tonight though, I can only see maybe four stars. All well. I guess I'm off for now.
Until next time. Soon, you can count on it, whoever "you" is exactly.