SPN Fic: Shines Brightly in the Shadow of God
Title: Shines Brightly in the Shadow of God
Author:
yami_faerie
Words: ~1,700
Ratings/Warnings: Rated G, spoilers for everything up to 11.20 "Don't Call Me Shurley"
Summary: "Dean hovers his hand over the trash can, and opens it, allowing the amulet to drop from his fingers." The story we've all known to be true from the end of 5.16 "Dark Side of the Moon". Sam didn't, couldn't just leave the amulet in the trash can after Dean walked out of the room. So where has it been all this time?
Sam watches silently, painfully, as Dean hovers his hand over the trash can, and opens it, allowing the amulet to drop from his fingers, to fall into the trash can, to hit the bottom with a dull 'thunk'.
It hurts.
Sam wonders how much of the Heaven they saw was meant to drive them apart. Why were those memories his happiest? Why did none of them have Dean in them? They were good memories, but…
They didn't have Dean.
Every last one of them was about Sam's attempts to be 'normal', to escape the feeling that there was, had always been, something wrong with him.
Well, there was, wasn't there? Demon blood in his veins since he was six months old…
There can never be normal for Sam.
Castiel is gone, hopeless about his mission to find God. Dean… well, he's lost hope, too. And he doesn't trust Sam, doesn't think there's a way to stop the Apocalypse.
There has to be.
Right?
Dean has walked out of the motel room, so Sam decides to forego shame and strides to the trashcan, pulling out the amulet and carefully holding it, blinking back tears.
They have been through so much. Too much. And despite everything, Sam has hoped that they could still pull through together. He isn't giving up. Somewhere out there is a solution that doesn't mean the final showdown occurring between Michael and Lucifer, and he is going to find it.
A month later, when Sam jumps, taking Lucifer and Michael into the Cage with him, the amulet is tucked into his jacket pocket.
But when he wakes up 18 months later in the Panic Room at Bobby's with the wall firmly blocking his memories of the Cage, the amulet isn't there. He's not wearing his jacket. It isn't in the room with him.
Sam tries not to worry, focuses on finding his brother and discovers that Bobby and Cas are alive. Later, in his room, he tears through his duffel bag, fighting back exhaustion now that he's sated his hunger, and he begins to worry that the amulet is gone forever, maybe lost in the Cage or back in a trash can because if Dean found it, there's no way he would've kept it, and he wasn't wearing it -
There it is.
It's at the bottom of his duffel bag. How did it get there? Dean wouldn't have placed it there if he found it.
It's just one of many little things that are different, that don't add up, and it isn't until Castiel tells him everything he knows of his body's time walking around with no soul that Sam begins to put the pieces together.
But it still doesn't add up. Soulless Sam keeping the amulet when he had no emotional attachments to anything? Why would he do that?
Six months later, Castiel breaks the Wall in Sam's head, and then he figures it out.
Soulless Sam has no emotional attachments, this is true.
But Dean…
Soulless Sam's interpretation of his time before Sam fell is that Dean is the true north on Sam's internal compass. When the brothers are working together, nothing can stop them. When they're not united, bad things happen.
Like Sam starting the Apocalypse.
So while he wasn't sentimental enough to carry the amulet everywhere, Soulless Sam wasn't willing to throw the amulet away. Instead, he had hidden it at the bottom of his duffel bag where no one could find it.
It's probably the only truly good thing Sam did without his soul.
Sam goes back to carrying the amulet everywhere as soon as his soul is rescued from Hell by Death. It doesn't act as a balm against the hallucinations of Lucifer, it doesn't ever save him or make his smooth and then rocky relationship with Dean any better or worse, but it's always there.
It's like carrying around a piece of hope.
Hope that he and Dean can make it through anything.
Hope that their bonds of brotherhood are stronger than anything the universe throws at them.
Hope that they can always come back when one of them makes a mistake.
And Sam makes many mistakes, knows he has let his brother down time and time again.
He prays that Dean will still be there in the morning every time it looks like Sam has gone too far, done too much damage.
When Dean leaves after getting that angel out of him, Sam spends time alone when Castiel isn't working to heal him, clutching the amulet in his hands and trying to figure out where to go from here. When he and Castiel attempt to extract Gadreel's remaining grace, the amulet is hiding in his pocket, hard edges safe and familiar as Sam does everything he can to not cry out in pain. He feels empty when Castiel stops and explains that Sam's life is more important to him than finding the other angel. Still, knowing that Cas has some measure of care for him outside of being Dean's brother is comforting.
The amulet is banging against Sam's hip when he uses what he learned during his attempt to close the gates of Hell to bring Dean back from being a demon because of the power of the Mark of Cain. He wonders if Castiel has ever noticed that he still has it on him, but the angel never says a word, so he supposes not.
Then they run into the group of girls putting on a play based on the books Chuck had written about them. And they sing.
"Carry on my wayward son,
There'll peace when you are done.
Lay your weary head to rest.
Don't you cry no more."
Later, Sam watches silently as Dean takes out a necklace, hand-made, shaped like the amulet, and hangs it on the rear-view mirror. The real amulet is still in Sam's pocket, and he debates whether or not now is the time to reveal he still has it.
In the end, he decides against it. Part of him still fears that Dean might throw it out the window as the Impala speeds down the road, worries that Dean would shut him down emotionally by calling him a girl and asking if he needs some tampons for his PMS if Sam gets upset about the callous jokes.
They've come a long way, but Sam doesn't know that it's enough, that it'll ever be enough.
He's clenching the amulet tightly with one hand inside his jacket as Dean says that Sam should have been the one on the funeral pyre instead of Charlie. Sam doesn't blame him. Charlie didn't deserve this, should never have been involved in Sam's desperate attempt to save Dean from the Mark of Cain.
Maybe it's for the best that Dean never knows that Sam still has the amulet. Sam and Dean keep going too far for each other, keep pulling innocents into their orbit and spitting them out, alive but scarred, or dead and burned to nothing. Every time Sam thinks that they've gone too far for each other, one of them finds a new line and then promptly steps across it. Why can't they stop doing this?
The amulet is hiding in his jacket when Dean beats him down to his last inch at Death's command, only for his big brother to turn around and kill Death, instead. It's twisted in the fingers of one hand when he prays for help after the Darkness is released and he is infected. It taps against the gunshot wound in his stomach over and over, releasing new waves of pain with every reminder that it's still there.
A dark, twisted part of Sam relishes the pain, the reminder as he does everything he can to kill the werewolves and get back to Dean's side.
The Cage did more than break his mind all those years ago. It crossed a few wires, too.
Now they're in Idaho, looking for Amara and discovering a new version of her destructive fog that removes all hope, that turns everyone against each other.
Everyone but Dean.
Sam feels the weight of the amulet against his left side as he writhes in pain from the fog's infection, trying to remember the hope that has carried him so far and finding it slipping through his grasp like water or, ironically, smoke, drifting away, and he knows that hope will never be seen again -
The amulet is suddenly burning against his side.
Sam is shocked to realize that he's no longer hurting.
Dean reaches into Sam's jacket pocket, and Sam is startled to see that the amulet is glowing, shining brightly, and what had Castiel told him and Dean all those years ago?
"It burns hot in God's presence."
Sam's hope flares, bright as the amulet, warming him like he hasn't been in so, so long. He looks down at his arms, sees the infection is gone, then lifts his face back up to see his brother.
Dean is staring at the amulet shining in his palm, not saying a word. Sam can't tell what exactly his brother is thinking as he helps Sam to his feet. Can't tell as he turns to see the others in the police station walking out, none of them infected, none of them snarling, killing, dying, screaming. He watches Dean, follows him, as he leads the way out of the police station, heads to his right at Dean's nod.
The people who died because of the fog's influence are alive again, including the deputy and her husband. Sam watches her climb to her feet and then gasp as she launches herself into her husband's embrace. She looks at him, smiles. He nods at her and she grips her husband tighter in her arms.
Sam follows Dean as he moves forward, still holding the amulet in his palm, still watching it shine with a pure, white light as a man up ahead helps a woman to her feet. "You okay?" he asks her, and Sam recognizes that voice, that posture, that man -
The brothers slow in perfect unison, staring in awe as the prophet neither of them has seen since before Sam jumped into the Cage turns around. The amulet is still glowing brightly.
Chuck Shurley.
He walks toward them, still short, dressed so normally, no bags under his eyes, looking every bit as normal as could be possible.
But the amulet is still shining.
Chuck gives a little half-smile. "We should probably talk," he says.
END
Author:
yami_faerie
Words: ~1,700
Ratings/Warnings: Rated G, spoilers for everything up to 11.20 "Don't Call Me Shurley"
Summary: "Dean hovers his hand over the trash can, and opens it, allowing the amulet to drop from his fingers." The story we've all known to be true from the end of 5.16 "Dark Side of the Moon". Sam didn't, couldn't just leave the amulet in the trash can after Dean walked out of the room. So where has it been all this time?
Sam watches silently, painfully, as Dean hovers his hand over the trash can, and opens it, allowing the amulet to drop from his fingers, to fall into the trash can, to hit the bottom with a dull 'thunk'.
It hurts.
Sam wonders how much of the Heaven they saw was meant to drive them apart. Why were those memories his happiest? Why did none of them have Dean in them? They were good memories, but…
They didn't have Dean.
Every last one of them was about Sam's attempts to be 'normal', to escape the feeling that there was, had always been, something wrong with him.
Well, there was, wasn't there? Demon blood in his veins since he was six months old…
There can never be normal for Sam.
Castiel is gone, hopeless about his mission to find God. Dean… well, he's lost hope, too. And he doesn't trust Sam, doesn't think there's a way to stop the Apocalypse.
There has to be.
Right?
Dean has walked out of the motel room, so Sam decides to forego shame and strides to the trashcan, pulling out the amulet and carefully holding it, blinking back tears.
They have been through so much. Too much. And despite everything, Sam has hoped that they could still pull through together. He isn't giving up. Somewhere out there is a solution that doesn't mean the final showdown occurring between Michael and Lucifer, and he is going to find it.
A month later, when Sam jumps, taking Lucifer and Michael into the Cage with him, the amulet is tucked into his jacket pocket.
But when he wakes up 18 months later in the Panic Room at Bobby's with the wall firmly blocking his memories of the Cage, the amulet isn't there. He's not wearing his jacket. It isn't in the room with him.
Sam tries not to worry, focuses on finding his brother and discovers that Bobby and Cas are alive. Later, in his room, he tears through his duffel bag, fighting back exhaustion now that he's sated his hunger, and he begins to worry that the amulet is gone forever, maybe lost in the Cage or back in a trash can because if Dean found it, there's no way he would've kept it, and he wasn't wearing it -
There it is.
It's at the bottom of his duffel bag. How did it get there? Dean wouldn't have placed it there if he found it.
It's just one of many little things that are different, that don't add up, and it isn't until Castiel tells him everything he knows of his body's time walking around with no soul that Sam begins to put the pieces together.
But it still doesn't add up. Soulless Sam keeping the amulet when he had no emotional attachments to anything? Why would he do that?
Six months later, Castiel breaks the Wall in Sam's head, and then he figures it out.
Soulless Sam has no emotional attachments, this is true.
But Dean…
Soulless Sam's interpretation of his time before Sam fell is that Dean is the true north on Sam's internal compass. When the brothers are working together, nothing can stop them. When they're not united, bad things happen.
Like Sam starting the Apocalypse.
So while he wasn't sentimental enough to carry the amulet everywhere, Soulless Sam wasn't willing to throw the amulet away. Instead, he had hidden it at the bottom of his duffel bag where no one could find it.
It's probably the only truly good thing Sam did without his soul.
Sam goes back to carrying the amulet everywhere as soon as his soul is rescued from Hell by Death. It doesn't act as a balm against the hallucinations of Lucifer, it doesn't ever save him or make his smooth and then rocky relationship with Dean any better or worse, but it's always there.
It's like carrying around a piece of hope.
Hope that he and Dean can make it through anything.
Hope that their bonds of brotherhood are stronger than anything the universe throws at them.
Hope that they can always come back when one of them makes a mistake.
And Sam makes many mistakes, knows he has let his brother down time and time again.
He prays that Dean will still be there in the morning every time it looks like Sam has gone too far, done too much damage.
When Dean leaves after getting that angel out of him, Sam spends time alone when Castiel isn't working to heal him, clutching the amulet in his hands and trying to figure out where to go from here. When he and Castiel attempt to extract Gadreel's remaining grace, the amulet is hiding in his pocket, hard edges safe and familiar as Sam does everything he can to not cry out in pain. He feels empty when Castiel stops and explains that Sam's life is more important to him than finding the other angel. Still, knowing that Cas has some measure of care for him outside of being Dean's brother is comforting.
The amulet is banging against Sam's hip when he uses what he learned during his attempt to close the gates of Hell to bring Dean back from being a demon because of the power of the Mark of Cain. He wonders if Castiel has ever noticed that he still has it on him, but the angel never says a word, so he supposes not.
Then they run into the group of girls putting on a play based on the books Chuck had written about them. And they sing.
"Carry on my wayward son,
There'll peace when you are done.
Lay your weary head to rest.
Don't you cry no more."
Later, Sam watches silently as Dean takes out a necklace, hand-made, shaped like the amulet, and hangs it on the rear-view mirror. The real amulet is still in Sam's pocket, and he debates whether or not now is the time to reveal he still has it.
In the end, he decides against it. Part of him still fears that Dean might throw it out the window as the Impala speeds down the road, worries that Dean would shut him down emotionally by calling him a girl and asking if he needs some tampons for his PMS if Sam gets upset about the callous jokes.
They've come a long way, but Sam doesn't know that it's enough, that it'll ever be enough.
He's clenching the amulet tightly with one hand inside his jacket as Dean says that Sam should have been the one on the funeral pyre instead of Charlie. Sam doesn't blame him. Charlie didn't deserve this, should never have been involved in Sam's desperate attempt to save Dean from the Mark of Cain.
Maybe it's for the best that Dean never knows that Sam still has the amulet. Sam and Dean keep going too far for each other, keep pulling innocents into their orbit and spitting them out, alive but scarred, or dead and burned to nothing. Every time Sam thinks that they've gone too far for each other, one of them finds a new line and then promptly steps across it. Why can't they stop doing this?
The amulet is hiding in his jacket when Dean beats him down to his last inch at Death's command, only for his big brother to turn around and kill Death, instead. It's twisted in the fingers of one hand when he prays for help after the Darkness is released and he is infected. It taps against the gunshot wound in his stomach over and over, releasing new waves of pain with every reminder that it's still there.
A dark, twisted part of Sam relishes the pain, the reminder as he does everything he can to kill the werewolves and get back to Dean's side.
The Cage did more than break his mind all those years ago. It crossed a few wires, too.
Now they're in Idaho, looking for Amara and discovering a new version of her destructive fog that removes all hope, that turns everyone against each other.
Everyone but Dean.
Sam feels the weight of the amulet against his left side as he writhes in pain from the fog's infection, trying to remember the hope that has carried him so far and finding it slipping through his grasp like water or, ironically, smoke, drifting away, and he knows that hope will never be seen again -
The amulet is suddenly burning against his side.
Sam is shocked to realize that he's no longer hurting.
Dean reaches into Sam's jacket pocket, and Sam is startled to see that the amulet is glowing, shining brightly, and what had Castiel told him and Dean all those years ago?
"It burns hot in God's presence."
Sam's hope flares, bright as the amulet, warming him like he hasn't been in so, so long. He looks down at his arms, sees the infection is gone, then lifts his face back up to see his brother.
Dean is staring at the amulet shining in his palm, not saying a word. Sam can't tell what exactly his brother is thinking as he helps Sam to his feet. Can't tell as he turns to see the others in the police station walking out, none of them infected, none of them snarling, killing, dying, screaming. He watches Dean, follows him, as he leads the way out of the police station, heads to his right at Dean's nod.
The people who died because of the fog's influence are alive again, including the deputy and her husband. Sam watches her climb to her feet and then gasp as she launches herself into her husband's embrace. She looks at him, smiles. He nods at her and she grips her husband tighter in her arms.
Sam follows Dean as he moves forward, still holding the amulet in his palm, still watching it shine with a pure, white light as a man up ahead helps a woman to her feet. "You okay?" he asks her, and Sam recognizes that voice, that posture, that man -
The brothers slow in perfect unison, staring in awe as the prophet neither of them has seen since before Sam jumped into the Cage turns around. The amulet is still glowing brightly.
Chuck Shurley.
He walks toward them, still short, dressed so normally, no bags under his eyes, looking every bit as normal as could be possible.
But the amulet is still shining.
Chuck gives a little half-smile. "We should probably talk," he says.
END