JE Fic: Return to Start, Akame, PG-13
Title: Return to Start
Author: yamapea
Pairing: Akame
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3,819
Summary: Jin tries to figure out when he fell in love with Kame.
Author's Note: Written for solo____ for help_haiti. A million thanks to solo____ for being so kind and patient with me throughout the writing process, and another million thanks to unrequitedangst, for the multiple betas. Solo, I really hope that you enjoy this. I had a wonderful time writing for you. ♥
Jin knows from the very first sigh that he should have pretended to be asleep.
"Jin?" Kame says, hesitant and soft. "Are you... awake?"
"Mmmph," Jin murmurs, shifting slightly so that he's facing him. He cracks an eye open, staring blearily across the pillows at Kame.
"I just--" Kame starts, flushing, "I just want to know when... when this all...like, when this started for you."
"'do you mean?" Jin mumbles to his pillow, closing his eyes again.
"You know," Kame says, fidgeting and quiet. "When did you... when was it more than... you know."
Jin flops and shrugs until he's facing Kame, one eye squinting open at him. Hoping to throw Kame off of this line of discussion, Jin mumbles something incoherently dreamy about gyoza as he closes his eyes again, pretending to have fallen asleep. He feels Kame sigh and shift beside him, and it's only when Kame's breathing is deep and even that Jin dares to open his eyes.
The truth is, Jin thinks as he lies awake in the dark, he has no idea. He watches the outline of Kame's sleeping face and wonders how he ever felt any different than he does right now. He's sure that he didn't. He can't imagine not having this, not having Kame.
*
The next day in rehearsal, Junno annoys Jin. That's not unusual in and of itself, but Junno's annoying Jin by talking about the trip they all took when they were juniors, chatting about America like he knows what it was like in LA, and for some reason thinking about LA lately makes Jin feel unusually testy. When he thinks of LA, he thinks of months of regret and drunkenness and loneliness.
"And we were like Elvis!" Junno says, "thank you very much!"
"Shut up," Jin says.
Kame smiles uncomfortably, shifting his gaze to steal a glance at Jin, and murmurs something soothing to Junno about how it was great, how they really learned a lot and had fun, and Jin starts to remember the most fun of all.
*
They were in Las Vegas, of all places, packed in a bus full of other juniors. Kame was trying to impress them all with facts he'd heard about the Grand Canyon, Junno was pretending to be a robot that only spoke in riddles, and almost everyone else was sleeping. Yamapi wasn't, though, and Jin could tell he was getting steadily more annoyed with Kame's rambling. The entire situation bothered Jin.
"...And it took millions of years to form!" Kame chirped, excitedly scanning the brochure he'd picked up at the hotel, searching for any familiar English. "Millions!"
"Who cares?" Yamapi said, a little sharply. "Seriously, who cares?"
Something about the way Yamapi said that and the way Kame reacted--blushing and shutting up--made Jin annoyed, made him feel like he had to say something to defend Kame.
"I care," he said loudly, and the look on Kame's face made him feel hot and uncomfortable, so he looked at Yamapi. "Maybe you're just not smart enough to care!"
It was a stupid, lame thing to say, but Jin couldn't think too straight right then anyway. Yamapi rolled his eyes and put on his headphones, slouching down in his seat and propping his head up against the window as he joined the rest of the van in napping.
Kame, thinking he'd found a fellow Grand Canyon enthusiast but unable to decipher any more of the English in the brochure, spent the next twenty minutes making up random shit about the landmark. It was kind of fun--Jin decided to join in with his own Important Facts--and by the end of the trip they were laughing so hard they woke up Jimmy and Ryo.
Still, the made up facts were all fun and games until Jin told Jimmy that the Grand Canyon was a direct descendant of a particular part of Jimmy's grandmother's anatomy.
*
Jin pretends not to read or care about all of the fan speculation, but when Kame's not home he spends hours reading blogs and fansites about them.
Usually it's silly things; rumors that aren't true and stories that are obviously made up, but sometimes the fans catch things Jin wishes they wouldn't. Yesterday it was an awkward Cartoon KAT-TUN segment, and today it's his anklets.
He'd taken them from Kame the way that Jin tended to inherit jewelry from everyone he was close to--he'd seen them on Kame's dresser and put them on. He'd done the same thing to Ryo and Yamapi on visits to their apartment--casually picking necklaces off of bathroom counters, trying them on and accidentally leaving with them--but taking Kame's jewelry was maybe a little more intentional. Kame had been sort of grumpy about it at first, but decided that as long as Jin let him keep his matching necklace, he didn't mind so much.
And now Jin's staring at a fan comparison of the two--Jin with his anklets and Kame with his necklace--and wondering why the hell he didn't think about this before.
They sort of go together.
*
They got rings once.
"No," Jin had said, "they don't match, that would be gay."
But they did.
Somehow, they ended up with rings that matched perfectly, rings that looked more like promise rings than best friend rings, and it was all under the guise of staying in character. They wore them all through the drama, even when they weren't on set. They started to wear them every day, all the time, and the first time Jin saw Kame not wearing his, he felt a sick twist in his stomach. They'd been busy filming a few scenes for the last episode for what feels like days, and Jin couldn't remember the last time he was Jin and not Hayato.
"What's up?" Jin asked, slouching down beside Kame in the dressing room.
Kame shrugged. He looked worn and tired, and there were deep, unhealthy shadows under his eyes from lack of sleep. "Johnny wants me in a new drama," he mumbled darkly, clutching his phone and staring at himself in the dressing room mirror with an expression so dark, he could have just been told that baseball was becoming illegal.
"Oh," Jin said.
Kame didn't fish for his ring when the director yelled for them. Jin didn't fish for the new drama.
*
Jin comes home from a night out with Yamapi and finds Kame singing in the kitchen.
He's singing Kizuna in a whisper-soft voice, nearly humming as he glides across the kitchen floor to slide a milk carton back into the fridge. Jin smiles as he watches Kame, looking a little like Tom Cruise in Risky Business in his socks and a dress shirt.
"Lose your pants?" Jin says, leaning against the door frame and grinning.
Kame stops at the counter, cutting Kizuna short and flushing a little in embarrassment as he looks up at Jin. "Sat in something on the subway."
Jin doesn't comment on Kame's singing, and Kame doesn't offer an explanation.
They don't really talk about the past anymore.
Kame used to try, mentioning Gokusen 2 or some old concert over dinner, but talking about certain parts of the past with Kame always just makes Jin feel awkward and sad. He hates thinking about the things he said that were stupid, or the things he did that were wrong. He just wants Kame to be happy. He can't remember ever feeling any different, and he wonders if he could, if he could pinpoint the moment when it changed, if that would give him the answer to Kame's question.
*
Jin will never, ever, ever admit that the first time he heard Kame sing Kizuna he cried.
It was awful. The whole thing, the whole experience was awful. They were already a good way through the filming for Gokusen and Jin was sitting in his manager's office, with a nervous and embarrassed Kame to his right, listening to a song that was practically written about them. He felt the burn in the back of his eyes, threatening tears not even halfway through the first verse.
"Kamenashi wrote it!" their manager exclaimed proudly, hitting the pause button on his stereo. "Just imagine -- written and performed by Kamenashi Kazuya," he said, framing the words with his hands as if they were a headline.
Kame flushed a deeper shade of red and Jin shifted uncomfortably. Their manager's phone rang, and after a quick glance at the caller ID, he begged forgiveness and rushed to take his call in the hallway.
"Wow," Kame said in a quick, exhilarated breath. "Wow, I can't believe it. I can't believe this is happening!"
Jin remembers how Kame looked at him then -- excited and happy and full of daydreams about the future -- and there was an awkward pause while Jin collected himself, tried to figure out the best way to respond. Kame was only thinking about work and success and that kind of shit, and Jin started to think that he was wrong, that this wasn't about them, about him, at all.
"Yeah," he said finally. "I'm glad Gokusen will help you."
Kame's face went from excited to upset in a few seconds, and Jin didn't even know where to begin explaining, how to try to take back the insult he'd just accidentally delivered.
"It's not about that," Kame said, standing. "Please don't think of me as a charity case."
Kame walked with quick, even strides to the door of the office, and all Jin could think about was Kame not needing the drama and not needing him.
*
Sometimes Jin thinks about the ring he still has, tucked safely away in a box in his closet, inside a bag labled "porn". He knows that Kame will never find it, that there is nothing in the world that could make Kame voluntarily sort through Jin's bag of porn, and it makes him feel safe. From what, he doesn't know. He doesn't know why he wants Kame to think he really did get rid of it all of those years ago, but it's scary to think of what it means that he keeps it still.
He'll never forget the day he took it off. He'll never forget the way Kame's face crumpled when Jin coolly told him he'd lost it or something, the way Kame had tried to suddenly hide the fact that he was still wearing his. Seishun Amigo was blaring on a radio in the background, and Jin let it do the talking for him.
"Well, see you," he'd said, turning away.
Kame didn't say a word. Jin wonders if it would have made a difference.
*
It was 2006--late summer, nearly autumn, and Jin showed up at Kame's apartment, drunk and unannounced.
"Oh," Kame said as he opened the door. "Hey."
"Need to talk," Jin said, brushing past Kame and clumsily kicking off his shoes.
"Please," Kame said stiffly, "come in."
"Saw you on Music Station," Jin said, shuffling over to Kame's futon.
"Oh," Kame said again.
"I'm leaving," Jin said. He didn't mean to say it so abruptly, didn't mean to announce it like that, but the words burst out of his mouth without warning.
"...leaving?" Kame said, clearly confused. "Now? You just got here...
"No," Jin said, eyes fixed on Kame's blank television screen. "I'm leaving Japan. Going to America."
Jin won't ever forget that pause. It felt like an end.
"When?" Kame asked, voice barely above a whisper.
"I don't know," Jin said. "Soon. October or something, I think."
"Why--when will you be back?"
Jin shrugged and stood, wobbling just a little on his feet. "Might not be."
There was a pause again, different from the last. Jin tore his attention away from the blank television. Kame was standing in the shadowy doorway of the kitchen, and Jin couldn't see his face.
"I guess I should go," Jin said, standing unsteadily and focusing a bleary gaze on Kame.
Kame seemed to shrug or nod or something, and Jin felt a sudden, acute embarrassment. Why did he think Kame would care? Why was he even here?
Jin was halfway to his apartment when he checked his phone and found a missed text from Kame.
"Please come back."
Jin didn't know how to go back anymore, only forward. He kept walking.
*
Jin doesn't go clubbing as much lately, but he definitely still has his nights out. Tonight he's out with Ryo and Yamapi, nestled away in a private room in a bar in Roppongi. He's already lost a minor shot competition with Ryo, and Yamapi has refused to leave the room, even to venture down to the bar. Jin's just needling Yamapi to go down to the dance floor with him when his phone beeps with a text from Kame.
"When are you coming home?"
"Is that the missus?" Ryo says, grinning lopsidedly at Jin. Jin ignores him.
"y?" he texts back, flipping his phone closed immediately.
"I dance all day," Yamapi is saying, staring meaningfully at his beer as if he's explaining the secrets of life to it. "I don't want to dance now, too."
Jin sighs and his phone beeps again.
"Miss you."
"You could at least take a shot or something," Ryo says to Pi. "You don't have to act like such an old man all of the time."
It feels like forever when Jin finally figures out the right thing to text back. Yamapi's listing all of the things he does that old people don't do, and it's starting to get a little too personal.
"don't leave me when i'm old like pi," Jin texts, laughing to himself as he presses send. Ryo quirks an eyebrow at him, but Jin ignores him, sending Kame another text before he has a chance to respond.
"be home soon."
*
The time in LA was really lonely.
It was Christmas Eve night, and Jin was alone. His roommates and friends were all gone--out with girls or family or friends. Jin had been spending the night drinking Budweiser and watching old American movies on television. He was trying to get to the point of understanding Jimmy Stewart's drawl when the phone rang.
"Yah~" Jin said, tilting his head as he watched Jimmy's mouth move and strained to make out the words--something about a ring, he thought.
"Jin?"
Everything inside of Jin felt like it was flipping over as soon as he recognized that voice.
"Kamenashi?"
"Hey."
There was a pause then, full of awkardness and hope and painful silence.
"I... I just wanted to say... I miss you," Kame said, in stilted, hushed tones.
Jin choked on his beer and started coughing into the phone.
"Um," Kame said, his tone shooting up a few octaves. "Are you okay? Should I... Do you need to go? Sorry, I--"
"FINE!" Jin managed to hack out, "I'm fine! Don't.... go."
"Oh," Kame said.
There was a pause too expensive for international calls. Jin set down his beer and folded his fingers together.
"I miss you, too," he said softly.
"Oh," Kame said, sounding weirdly relieved. "Good. I wasn't sure--I... I'm glad. When are you coming home?"
Something about the sound of Kame saying home made Jin's heart swell, made him wish more than anything that he was there right now.
"Soon," Jin promised, though he had no idea. "Has to be soon."
*
Sometimes Jin can't tell if Kame cares more about him or KAT-TUN. This morning is one of those times.
"Yes," Kame's saying, "yes, I guess just in boxers or something...yeah, we'll try that and see how it works, I guess...okay. Bye."
"You're doing... what?" Jin says sleepily, rolling over to face Kame as he flips his phone close.
Kame sighs and gives Jin a long-suffering look as he slides back down under the covers, dropping his phone on the bedside table. "It's for the fans. You know that."
"The fans want you draped half-naked over Nakamaru and Koki?" Jin says, sliding a protective arm across Kame's waist.
"Well," Kame says awkwardly, shifting his fingers over Jin's forearm, "...yes."
Jin shoves his face into Kame's shoulder and tightens his grip. "I'd rather just keep you here."
Kame smiles. "Well," he says softly, "that does sound nice. Maybe we can take a vacation sometime soon."
Jin mumbles something incoherently pleasant against Kame's neck, but really he's caught up on the "we", and wondering if he means the band or them.
Sometimes it's hard to tell.
*
As if all of the hubbub over his return wasn't enough of a pain in the ass already, Jin had to double back from the press conference to make it to Kame's place undetected. He did, though he unfortunately forgot about the ski mask he was wearing until Kame opened the door and screamed.
"Oh, shit!" Jin said, fumbling with the mask. "Sorry, I forgot."
Kame was still gaping at him, even after he took it off, and Jin wondered if there was some other sort of espionage he'd forgotten. He ran a nervous hand over his face.
"Hey," Kame said, though it sounded more like a question than a greeting.
"Hey," Jin said, breezing in past him and kicking off his boots. "Sorry that took so long. Fucking reporters."
Kame didn't say anything right away and Jin felt suddenly awkward and nervous and paranoid. What if Kame hadn't meant the things he'd said when Jin was away? What if he'd changed his mind?
"I can't believe you're really here," Kame said, whisper-soft.
Jin turned, and found Kame leaning against the door, his mouth slightly open as he watched Jin.
"What?" Jin said, breaking into a forced, awkward smile. "What do you mean? You didn't think I'd come back? Silly."
Kame swallowed and there was something in his eyes that made Jin's chest ache. He thought about when he left, about saying goodbye, and he wondered if Kame really thought he wasn't going to come back.
"I wasn't sure," Kame said. "We weren't sure."
Jin's smile froze on his face at the plural. Maybe that's what this was, maybe this was about KAT-TUN and not them at all. Maybe Kame hadn't even missed him, missed them.
*
Jin waits until Ryo has a mouth full of ramen before he launches into his dilemma.
"So I think Kame wants to know if I ... love him?"
Ryo starts choking.
"I mean--" Jin amends quickly, speaking over the sounds of Ryo's coughing, "I mean, I think he wants to know when I started loving him? Like he knows, you know. I'm sure he knows."
"When--" Ryo sputters, coughing lightly into his fist, "when you offered to pay, I should have known it was a trap."
"So I was wondering," Jin says, as if Ryo hasn't spoken at all, "when do you think?"
Ryo takes a long sip of water, glaring at Jin over the rim of his glass the entire time. Finally he sets down the glass and clears his throat, picking up his chopsticks again. "Well, the rings were pretty fucking gay."
Jin kicks him under the table. "They were friendship rings," he says, twisting his lips in thought. "Did they really seem like... I mean, I didn't think they were like that, you know? Did you think...they were?"
"Yeah," Ryo says casually, between mouthfuls, "you two were already pretty obnoxious by then."
"Oh," Jin says, biting his lip. "So you think... the rings? You think that's when?"
Ryo gives him a look, and Jin tries to look sheepish. "When, exactly, did I become your marriage counselor?"
Jin throws a napkin at him. "Shut up," he says, laughing. "We're not married."
Ryo rolls his eyes. "Whatever--you're blushing and you have rings."
Jin thinks about it for the rest of lunch, about Kame and the rings and their entire history. And decides that maybe Ryo is right.
*
Jin's been waiting for what feels like hours for Kame to get home.
"Kame!" Jin says, sounding surprised even though it was Kame he'd been waiting on all along.
Kame freezes in the doorway, keys in hand, and stares at Jin as if he's completely lost his mind. "...Jin?"
"Ifigureditout," Jin says in an excited, nervous rush of words.
Kame's eyebrows shoot up and he waits, clearly hoping for an explanation. "Figured... it... out?" he says slowly, casually sliding the door shut behind him.
"You know--" Jin says, breaking off at Kame's blank expression. "You asked..."
Jin turns abruptly on his heel and Kame follows him resignedly down the hallway to their bedroom, where Jin immediately throws open the closet door. Kame watches him root through bag after box of things tucked away in the corners before Jin triumphantly emerges with a bag labled "Porn! DON'T TOUCH."
Jin grins sheepishly at Kame, holding out the bag as if it is completely self-explanatory.
"Um," Kame says slowly, flushing a bit. "You... want us to... look at porn?... together?"
Jin's mouth drops open slightly as he considers the possibility. "Would you really... I mean, have you thought--"
"Jin," Kame interrupts, "what is this all about?"
Jin clears his throat, fumbling with the bag. He pulls out magazine after magazine, dropping them hastily on the carpet without a second glance, until the bag is almost empty.
And then it's sliding into his hand, nearly tumbling out with the magazines..
Jin throws the bag down and holds out his fist, sneaking a glance at Kame's face as he opens it to reveal the ring he'd promised he'd lost so long ago.
"I think this is when," he says, awkwardly.
There is a pause. It feels like hours before Jin can look up at Kame, and his heart is pounding in his chest when he does.
"Jin," Kame says, softly. He moves his hand slowly, carefully, until he's resting his fingers against Jin's palm, barely touching the metal. "I don't--"
"I mean," Jin says abruptly, closing his fingers around Kame's. "I did before then, I think, I just didn't know before then, that you know..."
"Jin," Kame says again, smiling. "I know."
Jin laughs, a soft little gentle laugh, and Kame smiles wider, shifting his fingers in Jin's as he takes hold of the ring, attempting to wriggle it onto Jin's pinky finger. It sticks halfway and they both laugh. Kame twines his fingers through Jin's and leans into him, rolling up onto his tiptoes to kiss the corner of Jin's mouth, and then Jin's twisting against him, pulling Kame closer as he kisses him full on the mouth, soft and warm and gentle.
Kame pulls away only when his mouth starts to feel raw and hot from Jin's scruff. "I'm glad you kept it," he says softly.
"Oh," Jin says, smiling. "Glad you kept me."
Author: yamapea
Pairing: Akame
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3,819
Summary: Jin tries to figure out when he fell in love with Kame.
Author's Note: Written for solo____ for help_haiti. A million thanks to solo____ for being so kind and patient with me throughout the writing process, and another million thanks to unrequitedangst, for the multiple betas. Solo, I really hope that you enjoy this. I had a wonderful time writing for you. ♥
Jin knows from the very first sigh that he should have pretended to be asleep.
"Jin?" Kame says, hesitant and soft. "Are you... awake?"
"Mmmph," Jin murmurs, shifting slightly so that he's facing him. He cracks an eye open, staring blearily across the pillows at Kame.
"I just--" Kame starts, flushing, "I just want to know when... when this all...like, when this started for you."
"'do you mean?" Jin mumbles to his pillow, closing his eyes again.
"You know," Kame says, fidgeting and quiet. "When did you... when was it more than... you know."
Jin flops and shrugs until he's facing Kame, one eye squinting open at him. Hoping to throw Kame off of this line of discussion, Jin mumbles something incoherently dreamy about gyoza as he closes his eyes again, pretending to have fallen asleep. He feels Kame sigh and shift beside him, and it's only when Kame's breathing is deep and even that Jin dares to open his eyes.
The truth is, Jin thinks as he lies awake in the dark, he has no idea. He watches the outline of Kame's sleeping face and wonders how he ever felt any different than he does right now. He's sure that he didn't. He can't imagine not having this, not having Kame.
*
The next day in rehearsal, Junno annoys Jin. That's not unusual in and of itself, but Junno's annoying Jin by talking about the trip they all took when they were juniors, chatting about America like he knows what it was like in LA, and for some reason thinking about LA lately makes Jin feel unusually testy. When he thinks of LA, he thinks of months of regret and drunkenness and loneliness.
"And we were like Elvis!" Junno says, "thank you very much!"
"Shut up," Jin says.
Kame smiles uncomfortably, shifting his gaze to steal a glance at Jin, and murmurs something soothing to Junno about how it was great, how they really learned a lot and had fun, and Jin starts to remember the most fun of all.
*
They were in Las Vegas, of all places, packed in a bus full of other juniors. Kame was trying to impress them all with facts he'd heard about the Grand Canyon, Junno was pretending to be a robot that only spoke in riddles, and almost everyone else was sleeping. Yamapi wasn't, though, and Jin could tell he was getting steadily more annoyed with Kame's rambling. The entire situation bothered Jin.
"...And it took millions of years to form!" Kame chirped, excitedly scanning the brochure he'd picked up at the hotel, searching for any familiar English. "Millions!"
"Who cares?" Yamapi said, a little sharply. "Seriously, who cares?"
Something about the way Yamapi said that and the way Kame reacted--blushing and shutting up--made Jin annoyed, made him feel like he had to say something to defend Kame.
"I care," he said loudly, and the look on Kame's face made him feel hot and uncomfortable, so he looked at Yamapi. "Maybe you're just not smart enough to care!"
It was a stupid, lame thing to say, but Jin couldn't think too straight right then anyway. Yamapi rolled his eyes and put on his headphones, slouching down in his seat and propping his head up against the window as he joined the rest of the van in napping.
Kame, thinking he'd found a fellow Grand Canyon enthusiast but unable to decipher any more of the English in the brochure, spent the next twenty minutes making up random shit about the landmark. It was kind of fun--Jin decided to join in with his own Important Facts--and by the end of the trip they were laughing so hard they woke up Jimmy and Ryo.
Still, the made up facts were all fun and games until Jin told Jimmy that the Grand Canyon was a direct descendant of a particular part of Jimmy's grandmother's anatomy.
*
Jin pretends not to read or care about all of the fan speculation, but when Kame's not home he spends hours reading blogs and fansites about them.
Usually it's silly things; rumors that aren't true and stories that are obviously made up, but sometimes the fans catch things Jin wishes they wouldn't. Yesterday it was an awkward Cartoon KAT-TUN segment, and today it's his anklets.
He'd taken them from Kame the way that Jin tended to inherit jewelry from everyone he was close to--he'd seen them on Kame's dresser and put them on. He'd done the same thing to Ryo and Yamapi on visits to their apartment--casually picking necklaces off of bathroom counters, trying them on and accidentally leaving with them--but taking Kame's jewelry was maybe a little more intentional. Kame had been sort of grumpy about it at first, but decided that as long as Jin let him keep his matching necklace, he didn't mind so much.
And now Jin's staring at a fan comparison of the two--Jin with his anklets and Kame with his necklace--and wondering why the hell he didn't think about this before.
They sort of go together.
*
They got rings once.
"No," Jin had said, "they don't match, that would be gay."
But they did.
Somehow, they ended up with rings that matched perfectly, rings that looked more like promise rings than best friend rings, and it was all under the guise of staying in character. They wore them all through the drama, even when they weren't on set. They started to wear them every day, all the time, and the first time Jin saw Kame not wearing his, he felt a sick twist in his stomach. They'd been busy filming a few scenes for the last episode for what feels like days, and Jin couldn't remember the last time he was Jin and not Hayato.
"What's up?" Jin asked, slouching down beside Kame in the dressing room.
Kame shrugged. He looked worn and tired, and there were deep, unhealthy shadows under his eyes from lack of sleep. "Johnny wants me in a new drama," he mumbled darkly, clutching his phone and staring at himself in the dressing room mirror with an expression so dark, he could have just been told that baseball was becoming illegal.
"Oh," Jin said.
Kame didn't fish for his ring when the director yelled for them. Jin didn't fish for the new drama.
*
Jin comes home from a night out with Yamapi and finds Kame singing in the kitchen.
He's singing Kizuna in a whisper-soft voice, nearly humming as he glides across the kitchen floor to slide a milk carton back into the fridge. Jin smiles as he watches Kame, looking a little like Tom Cruise in Risky Business in his socks and a dress shirt.
"Lose your pants?" Jin says, leaning against the door frame and grinning.
Kame stops at the counter, cutting Kizuna short and flushing a little in embarrassment as he looks up at Jin. "Sat in something on the subway."
Jin doesn't comment on Kame's singing, and Kame doesn't offer an explanation.
They don't really talk about the past anymore.
Kame used to try, mentioning Gokusen 2 or some old concert over dinner, but talking about certain parts of the past with Kame always just makes Jin feel awkward and sad. He hates thinking about the things he said that were stupid, or the things he did that were wrong. He just wants Kame to be happy. He can't remember ever feeling any different, and he wonders if he could, if he could pinpoint the moment when it changed, if that would give him the answer to Kame's question.
*
Jin will never, ever, ever admit that the first time he heard Kame sing Kizuna he cried.
It was awful. The whole thing, the whole experience was awful. They were already a good way through the filming for Gokusen and Jin was sitting in his manager's office, with a nervous and embarrassed Kame to his right, listening to a song that was practically written about them. He felt the burn in the back of his eyes, threatening tears not even halfway through the first verse.
"Kamenashi wrote it!" their manager exclaimed proudly, hitting the pause button on his stereo. "Just imagine -- written and performed by Kamenashi Kazuya," he said, framing the words with his hands as if they were a headline.
Kame flushed a deeper shade of red and Jin shifted uncomfortably. Their manager's phone rang, and after a quick glance at the caller ID, he begged forgiveness and rushed to take his call in the hallway.
"Wow," Kame said in a quick, exhilarated breath. "Wow, I can't believe it. I can't believe this is happening!"
Jin remembers how Kame looked at him then -- excited and happy and full of daydreams about the future -- and there was an awkward pause while Jin collected himself, tried to figure out the best way to respond. Kame was only thinking about work and success and that kind of shit, and Jin started to think that he was wrong, that this wasn't about them, about him, at all.
"Yeah," he said finally. "I'm glad Gokusen will help you."
Kame's face went from excited to upset in a few seconds, and Jin didn't even know where to begin explaining, how to try to take back the insult he'd just accidentally delivered.
"It's not about that," Kame said, standing. "Please don't think of me as a charity case."
Kame walked with quick, even strides to the door of the office, and all Jin could think about was Kame not needing the drama and not needing him.
*
Sometimes Jin thinks about the ring he still has, tucked safely away in a box in his closet, inside a bag labled "porn". He knows that Kame will never find it, that there is nothing in the world that could make Kame voluntarily sort through Jin's bag of porn, and it makes him feel safe. From what, he doesn't know. He doesn't know why he wants Kame to think he really did get rid of it all of those years ago, but it's scary to think of what it means that he keeps it still.
He'll never forget the day he took it off. He'll never forget the way Kame's face crumpled when Jin coolly told him he'd lost it or something, the way Kame had tried to suddenly hide the fact that he was still wearing his. Seishun Amigo was blaring on a radio in the background, and Jin let it do the talking for him.
"Well, see you," he'd said, turning away.
Kame didn't say a word. Jin wonders if it would have made a difference.
*
It was 2006--late summer, nearly autumn, and Jin showed up at Kame's apartment, drunk and unannounced.
"Oh," Kame said as he opened the door. "Hey."
"Need to talk," Jin said, brushing past Kame and clumsily kicking off his shoes.
"Please," Kame said stiffly, "come in."
"Saw you on Music Station," Jin said, shuffling over to Kame's futon.
"Oh," Kame said again.
"I'm leaving," Jin said. He didn't mean to say it so abruptly, didn't mean to announce it like that, but the words burst out of his mouth without warning.
"...leaving?" Kame said, clearly confused. "Now? You just got here...
"No," Jin said, eyes fixed on Kame's blank television screen. "I'm leaving Japan. Going to America."
Jin won't ever forget that pause. It felt like an end.
"When?" Kame asked, voice barely above a whisper.
"I don't know," Jin said. "Soon. October or something, I think."
"Why--when will you be back?"
Jin shrugged and stood, wobbling just a little on his feet. "Might not be."
There was a pause again, different from the last. Jin tore his attention away from the blank television. Kame was standing in the shadowy doorway of the kitchen, and Jin couldn't see his face.
"I guess I should go," Jin said, standing unsteadily and focusing a bleary gaze on Kame.
Kame seemed to shrug or nod or something, and Jin felt a sudden, acute embarrassment. Why did he think Kame would care? Why was he even here?
Jin was halfway to his apartment when he checked his phone and found a missed text from Kame.
"Please come back."
Jin didn't know how to go back anymore, only forward. He kept walking.
*
Jin doesn't go clubbing as much lately, but he definitely still has his nights out. Tonight he's out with Ryo and Yamapi, nestled away in a private room in a bar in Roppongi. He's already lost a minor shot competition with Ryo, and Yamapi has refused to leave the room, even to venture down to the bar. Jin's just needling Yamapi to go down to the dance floor with him when his phone beeps with a text from Kame.
"When are you coming home?"
"Is that the missus?" Ryo says, grinning lopsidedly at Jin. Jin ignores him.
"y?" he texts back, flipping his phone closed immediately.
"I dance all day," Yamapi is saying, staring meaningfully at his beer as if he's explaining the secrets of life to it. "I don't want to dance now, too."
Jin sighs and his phone beeps again.
"Miss you."
"You could at least take a shot or something," Ryo says to Pi. "You don't have to act like such an old man all of the time."
It feels like forever when Jin finally figures out the right thing to text back. Yamapi's listing all of the things he does that old people don't do, and it's starting to get a little too personal.
"don't leave me when i'm old like pi," Jin texts, laughing to himself as he presses send. Ryo quirks an eyebrow at him, but Jin ignores him, sending Kame another text before he has a chance to respond.
"be home soon."
*
The time in LA was really lonely.
It was Christmas Eve night, and Jin was alone. His roommates and friends were all gone--out with girls or family or friends. Jin had been spending the night drinking Budweiser and watching old American movies on television. He was trying to get to the point of understanding Jimmy Stewart's drawl when the phone rang.
"Yah~" Jin said, tilting his head as he watched Jimmy's mouth move and strained to make out the words--something about a ring, he thought.
"Jin?"
Everything inside of Jin felt like it was flipping over as soon as he recognized that voice.
"Kamenashi?"
"Hey."
There was a pause then, full of awkardness and hope and painful silence.
"I... I just wanted to say... I miss you," Kame said, in stilted, hushed tones.
Jin choked on his beer and started coughing into the phone.
"Um," Kame said, his tone shooting up a few octaves. "Are you okay? Should I... Do you need to go? Sorry, I--"
"FINE!" Jin managed to hack out, "I'm fine! Don't.... go."
"Oh," Kame said.
There was a pause too expensive for international calls. Jin set down his beer and folded his fingers together.
"I miss you, too," he said softly.
"Oh," Kame said, sounding weirdly relieved. "Good. I wasn't sure--I... I'm glad. When are you coming home?"
Something about the sound of Kame saying home made Jin's heart swell, made him wish more than anything that he was there right now.
"Soon," Jin promised, though he had no idea. "Has to be soon."
*
Sometimes Jin can't tell if Kame cares more about him or KAT-TUN. This morning is one of those times.
"Yes," Kame's saying, "yes, I guess just in boxers or something...yeah, we'll try that and see how it works, I guess...okay. Bye."
"You're doing... what?" Jin says sleepily, rolling over to face Kame as he flips his phone close.
Kame sighs and gives Jin a long-suffering look as he slides back down under the covers, dropping his phone on the bedside table. "It's for the fans. You know that."
"The fans want you draped half-naked over Nakamaru and Koki?" Jin says, sliding a protective arm across Kame's waist.
"Well," Kame says awkwardly, shifting his fingers over Jin's forearm, "...yes."
Jin shoves his face into Kame's shoulder and tightens his grip. "I'd rather just keep you here."
Kame smiles. "Well," he says softly, "that does sound nice. Maybe we can take a vacation sometime soon."
Jin mumbles something incoherently pleasant against Kame's neck, but really he's caught up on the "we", and wondering if he means the band or them.
Sometimes it's hard to tell.
*
As if all of the hubbub over his return wasn't enough of a pain in the ass already, Jin had to double back from the press conference to make it to Kame's place undetected. He did, though he unfortunately forgot about the ski mask he was wearing until Kame opened the door and screamed.
"Oh, shit!" Jin said, fumbling with the mask. "Sorry, I forgot."
Kame was still gaping at him, even after he took it off, and Jin wondered if there was some other sort of espionage he'd forgotten. He ran a nervous hand over his face.
"Hey," Kame said, though it sounded more like a question than a greeting.
"Hey," Jin said, breezing in past him and kicking off his boots. "Sorry that took so long. Fucking reporters."
Kame didn't say anything right away and Jin felt suddenly awkward and nervous and paranoid. What if Kame hadn't meant the things he'd said when Jin was away? What if he'd changed his mind?
"I can't believe you're really here," Kame said, whisper-soft.
Jin turned, and found Kame leaning against the door, his mouth slightly open as he watched Jin.
"What?" Jin said, breaking into a forced, awkward smile. "What do you mean? You didn't think I'd come back? Silly."
Kame swallowed and there was something in his eyes that made Jin's chest ache. He thought about when he left, about saying goodbye, and he wondered if Kame really thought he wasn't going to come back.
"I wasn't sure," Kame said. "We weren't sure."
Jin's smile froze on his face at the plural. Maybe that's what this was, maybe this was about KAT-TUN and not them at all. Maybe Kame hadn't even missed him, missed them.
*
Jin waits until Ryo has a mouth full of ramen before he launches into his dilemma.
"So I think Kame wants to know if I ... love him?"
Ryo starts choking.
"I mean--" Jin amends quickly, speaking over the sounds of Ryo's coughing, "I mean, I think he wants to know when I started loving him? Like he knows, you know. I'm sure he knows."
"When--" Ryo sputters, coughing lightly into his fist, "when you offered to pay, I should have known it was a trap."
"So I was wondering," Jin says, as if Ryo hasn't spoken at all, "when do you think?"
Ryo takes a long sip of water, glaring at Jin over the rim of his glass the entire time. Finally he sets down the glass and clears his throat, picking up his chopsticks again. "Well, the rings were pretty fucking gay."
Jin kicks him under the table. "They were friendship rings," he says, twisting his lips in thought. "Did they really seem like... I mean, I didn't think they were like that, you know? Did you think...they were?"
"Yeah," Ryo says casually, between mouthfuls, "you two were already pretty obnoxious by then."
"Oh," Jin says, biting his lip. "So you think... the rings? You think that's when?"
Ryo gives him a look, and Jin tries to look sheepish. "When, exactly, did I become your marriage counselor?"
Jin throws a napkin at him. "Shut up," he says, laughing. "We're not married."
Ryo rolls his eyes. "Whatever--you're blushing and you have rings."
Jin thinks about it for the rest of lunch, about Kame and the rings and their entire history. And decides that maybe Ryo is right.
*
Jin's been waiting for what feels like hours for Kame to get home.
"Kame!" Jin says, sounding surprised even though it was Kame he'd been waiting on all along.
Kame freezes in the doorway, keys in hand, and stares at Jin as if he's completely lost his mind. "...Jin?"
"Ifigureditout," Jin says in an excited, nervous rush of words.
Kame's eyebrows shoot up and he waits, clearly hoping for an explanation. "Figured... it... out?" he says slowly, casually sliding the door shut behind him.
"You know--" Jin says, breaking off at Kame's blank expression. "You asked..."
Jin turns abruptly on his heel and Kame follows him resignedly down the hallway to their bedroom, where Jin immediately throws open the closet door. Kame watches him root through bag after box of things tucked away in the corners before Jin triumphantly emerges with a bag labled "Porn! DON'T TOUCH."
Jin grins sheepishly at Kame, holding out the bag as if it is completely self-explanatory.
"Um," Kame says slowly, flushing a bit. "You... want us to... look at porn?... together?"
Jin's mouth drops open slightly as he considers the possibility. "Would you really... I mean, have you thought--"
"Jin," Kame interrupts, "what is this all about?"
Jin clears his throat, fumbling with the bag. He pulls out magazine after magazine, dropping them hastily on the carpet without a second glance, until the bag is almost empty.
And then it's sliding into his hand, nearly tumbling out with the magazines..
Jin throws the bag down and holds out his fist, sneaking a glance at Kame's face as he opens it to reveal the ring he'd promised he'd lost so long ago.
"I think this is when," he says, awkwardly.
There is a pause. It feels like hours before Jin can look up at Kame, and his heart is pounding in his chest when he does.
"Jin," Kame says, softly. He moves his hand slowly, carefully, until he's resting his fingers against Jin's palm, barely touching the metal. "I don't--"
"I mean," Jin says abruptly, closing his fingers around Kame's. "I did before then, I think, I just didn't know before then, that you know..."
"Jin," Kame says again, smiling. "I know."
Jin laughs, a soft little gentle laugh, and Kame smiles wider, shifting his fingers in Jin's as he takes hold of the ring, attempting to wriggle it onto Jin's pinky finger. It sticks halfway and they both laugh. Kame twines his fingers through Jin's and leans into him, rolling up onto his tiptoes to kiss the corner of Jin's mouth, and then Jin's twisting against him, pulling Kame closer as he kisses him full on the mouth, soft and warm and gentle.
Kame pulls away only when his mouth starts to feel raw and hot from Jin's scruff. "I'm glad you kept it," he says softly.
"Oh," Jin says, smiling. "Glad you kept me."