Am TERRERFIED right now ! On my Future and what it holds ! ( sorry i nearlly ended up telling my lif

Sep 20, 2011 21:23

Everyone is like giving me sites for jobs blabla, its not that simply to get a job . I can't even go out and buy something without being nervous so how can i become a person who helps customers ?

I mean i went to buy my Black Bird vol 10 book the other day cause it comes out every 2 months, i speed walked into the trafford centre and as i was queing up avoiding any eye contact and when they talk to you my voice comes out soo little....

I just recovered from a serve skin desease ( called something Stevens ? ) ( IT HAPPENED TWO DAYS BEFORE MY UNCLE BARRIED HAD TO BACK TO THILAND..... FOR A YEAR.. I had my hair cut on the friday iwas soo happy and work up with my entire mouth in pain, 4 ulsa's and my entire tonuage was white.... i couldnt drink or eat for 5 days but the worst was i couldnt speak to my Favourite uncle on his last days in the Uk ...

the FInal Meal as a family and i had rice pudding whole my nan and Uncle had my favourite, and i couldnt even eat rice pudding .. serously anything that touched my tounge was like.... pain shot through, i couldnt sleep . 5 days no food no drink .. that was at the beginning of September and everyone scared i wouldnt beable to go to liverpool for the weekend , I recovered the thursday i was going liverpool the next day .

I am soo happy everything went after taking 10 tablets a day for it, Liverpool was an amazing experience i still cant get over it. The saturday i had my first experience in a Japanese restraught !! Hehe I had Katsu chickin Curry ! and i said to my nan and her friend i had to have this side dish cause it had the word Tori in it haha ! Tori kara age :D !!

but now back to reality !

Getting a Job ... : Am fraid of phones.. i can text but can't ring or talkt o anyone on the phone other then My Nan : I get scared otherwise and feel so sick after it,: i dont know why i think its cause i answered the call to my Mum taking a turn for the worst when i was 16 ( which was also the day before my last day high school for christmas .. )

and for 5 years i can't eat out without feeling sick after it. i go all hot and feel like am going to be sick.. its horriable ( i was able to have my japanese and ate it fast but i still felt sick after it... ) i go really hot . Serously am MESSED UP!

But i dont want conselling , i know what it is , Mu Mums dead i question my future.... Nans done soo much for me i have car and am scared of driving.... I HAVE NO CONFEDENCE WHAT SOO EVER AND FUCKED UP !..... Nans like we will take the car out to the car wash tomorrow and just driving it brings fear to me.. and the carwash is a peoples one so am even more like * i'll wash it myself.... i have had the car for two years and i LOVE IT TO BITS ..... * Cries *

i do need help but like i said am Broken my Mums was my world and my worlds lost..

My best of 7 years dropped me for no reason... i went to a friend birthday party in london .. and cause i was surpose to go with the other friend for my 21st she just dropped me after founding out i went... i mean i can't say no to one of my friends who has invited me to her 18th with her Mum just because i was going London with the other one but decided not to ... even though i still have the money for it ... 7 years of Pure friend and i was just dropped like i was NOTHING.... ( am saying this cause i ahd a dream about her yesterday ...

She probaly also dropped me cause i wasnt able to see her as collage was soo busy at the end of the last month getitng verything in and thinking of future uni or job ... but still i didnt do ANYTHING BAD ....

and now i got another problem ... ; Nan last week didnt feel well at all... she siad she fine after two days and she loosk fine now .. but today she went doctors and then shes on the phone to her friends and as am sat their, : She said shes still ot fine to them and not to me and then starts retelling one of the SCARIEST MOMENTS OF MY LIFE DECEMBER 1999 ( EVERYTHING HAPPENS IN DECEMBER.... She had Stroke and today was retelling the story saying is this it , but what HAS SCARED ME TODAY IS THAT SHE JUST SIAD TODAY THAT WHATEVA SHE FELT ON TUESDAY SHE WAS SCARED SHE WAS HAVING ANOTHER ONE.... AND I WAS LIKE SHE NEVER TOLD ME THAT... AND I GOT SOO UPSET AND SCARED .. MY NANS ALL I HAVE .... shes fine , or says she is being active her blood preasure is up but its always quite upp but still.... it upset me that i was told... and then its said right in front of me ...

see i might seem like am ok always updating the tori site making vids... Tori and Japanese keeps me going inspires me and makes me happy ! Tori puts smile on my face everyday thats how Special he is, he isnt just an idol to me.

SO YEAH AM HOPING MY 22ST BRINGS MY LIFE TO A NEW START ! i want a job but like i want free days to myself at home with Nan , thats why am not going uni cause id have to get a job and uni so yeah ...

i could tell my entire lifestory in a book

Mum : Ill at 18 till she died : had No kidneys and then later on after having new knee the doctors made a mistake and it lead to MRSA ... and a straight leg for life : She still drove the Jeep ( Bealive me she was the most strongest fighter and person alive ) Starting getting chest pains the year she died ... was simply dialising on the machines for her kidneys one day ad got a phone call saying she had small heartattack... she was fine the day before.. 2 painful weeks or more drawing to christmas... i should of seen her when she was on lifesupport i dont bealive doctors and i siad shed be ok , shed been fine...

Christmas eve : Nan came home told me they turned the switch off and Mum had gone... ( i mean am angry cause they could of called and said they was turning it off cause i would of gone there and told them to leave it on !! COUDLNT CARE LESS WHAT THEY SAY ... but now i have to live the rest of my life .. with this .. what i could of done. what i should of... ( i didnt even shed a tear when Nan told me at the door i just lay My head on her shoulder .. i was broken i couldnt cry and then i went with my friends to see narnia at the cinimea... holding everything in ...... WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING.......

5 and half years later.... how my past feels like a shadow... My homemade videos when i was little with my Mum got stolen so i have afew photos thats alll....

i did a 50th tribute to her on my facebook if anyone wishes to view it..

i kinda lost it... sorry i had to let everything out ...

i dont even know what she Died of...



( Thats an anime vid the song and video shows how i feel alot of the time (I think it might help for people grieving )
http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=427324436717

scared, my life

Previous post Next post
Up