Solitary Rose | chapter two of "Wrong number...." [TEGOPI FANFICTION part 1]
Title: Solitary Rose
Chapter: Chapter 2 || follow up to "Wrong Number…. "
Rating: PG?
Genre: Angst
Pairing: Yuya Tegoshi/Yamashita Tomohisa
Disclaimer: Maybe someday I will own those pretty sweet boys ^^;
Summary: What happened after Yamashita secretly confessed to Tegoshi?
A/N: When I started thinking about the fic I was over flown with a rich imagery and tried my best to bring it across this time. I’m not perfect, maybe not even good at all in describing what I ‘see’ or feel but I hope I didn’t fail to bad!
Here some facts about the fic.
Solitary Rose
Today isn’t a day I looked forward to very much at all, it’s one of the days I despise the most - but what am I to do? I can’t stop the world from turning and life will always go on despite our daily complaints about this and that - if that wasn’t bad enough there are also a lot of things that happened in the past and you would give an arm for to change them.
It’s tough to walk having cold wind blow in your face and I wish I had bought that nice furry winter jacket I saw yesterday at the indigo. The snow covered streets of the big city is muddy and gray - and again it’s just one of those cold days in December you rather spent somewhere far far away in the sun, maybe Hawaii or Egypt, just to be sure there won’t be any rain or snow at all times.
My body shivers at the cool breeze that hits my face every now and then, shoving my hands into my long dark coat’s pockets as I walk down a lonely road, which eventually leads me to a small park nearby. It’s already getting dark, clouds or smog are covering the beautiful heavens above - it’s really hard to tell what exactly is up there but I am relieved I won’t have to look at pretty stars tonight. With the years passing I came to more or less hate anything as beautiful as stars and flowers and other things that will only remind me of something I can’t hold close.
The road I am walking along is quite dark since here are only a few streetlights, the houses I pass seem to be empty and very few people are out tonight. Once I will get to the park it will definitely be more crowded though, as it is every year around this time. A place filled with countless cheerful families and couples in love, yeah the cliché scenery you’ll expect around Christmas, especially tonight on Christmas Eve.
So how did I get here again? People will think I am walking around aimlessly like a stray cat but who am I to actually bother? I gave up on what others think about me a long long time ago. Still it does feel a little awkward at times, when small children give you a ‘sad’ look and an expression that says more than a thousand words would, before they run back to hug their parents tightly. It’s not that I am all alone, I do have my family and friends - few friends but those count most.
It starts snowing again; single snowflakes are making their long way down to the ground, one after the other and I’m squeezing the little pink heart shaped hand warmers in my pockets tightly. The tiny white fluffs dance around my nose and melt at the touch of my skin, especially when they fall on my cheeks. After walking for a while already it’s getting way to cold to put on a smile - it’s not like I am actually in the mood to smile anyways.
I like to watch snowflakes fall down from the sky, the usually clear blue sky that makes you feel free and warm inside on a hot summers day, but can make you feel the opposite on a day like this.
Cold, lonesome, dreary and beyond hope.
You can hear happy sounds growing louder as I am getting closer to my destination and from here I can already see many bright lights flicker in the distant. There is also an aromatic smell in the air, probably coming from certain food stands that are set up around Christmas. The smell grows stronger with every step I’m taking and even music can be heard from afar, soft and sweet tunes.
People stayed the same despite everything changed. In ten years, I wonder, will we still keep going in circles?
Everyone knows the song ‘White Christmas’, right? I used to dream of a white Christmas too when I was little, soon I figured it doesn’t really change much if you have a white Christmas or not, as long as you won’t have the person you want to spend it with it’s still a very dull time of the year. After all Christmas has the image of a warm and sweet season you want to spend with someone special, doesn’t it? While everyone keeps wishing you a white Christmas with days “merry and bright”, it only makes you remember how it just won’t be all “merry and bright” and exactly that’s what brought me here tonight.
The road gets busier here and the park is finally visible. Whilst I’m passing cheerful families, smiling and laughing, shopping and eating, chatting and taking photos, I remember the days I came here too, smiling and laughing but these days are long gone. Nevertheless it’s a lovely scene, really. Bright and colorful lights reflect in the shops windows and white roofs in wonderful shades whilst the snow is falling down quite heavily now.
Even here they play Christmas tunes, which might be a little surprising for this part of the world but everyone has become less narrow-minded as it seems, or maybe everyone is just as calculating as you expect them to be and their all in for the money. I don’t really care right now and I wouldn’t mind less Christmas songs either, though I used to love them. Singing cheerful or heart-wrenching songs with your friends and family is something special but even that bit of motivation seems to have left me.
I’m just making my way down the busy road now until I reach the small part with the trees covered in snow and the frozen lake behind. Some trees are decorated with colorful lights and some are simply hung with just plain white lights, red glitter balls and golden bells. There is a park bench not far from the lake I used to come a lot during the summer. Even the bench is covered with snow, so I clean it off a bit before I sit down and remember the days I had come here before.
Everything looks so calm and much lonelier than during the hot days when kids are running around with their balls, toys and dogs. I would bring my dog here too and even my ball, just like a kid? Anyways it’s always been fun.
As I sit here and watch the people enjoying themselves the pain in my chest is getting worse, I can feel my heart ache with every breath of cold air I take in and my body is losing warmth by the minute. In order to get rid of those painful memories which keep haunting me, I pull my music player out of my coat and put on my favorite track, quickly shoving my hands back into my pockets.
Love is overrated but why does it affect you so much after all? Why does it hurt like hell and why is there no cure for it?
You must have thought the same, right?
Lifting my head I look into the distant night sky and for a single moment there’s a lonely star showing itself to me. A tear escapes and runs down my cheek as I close my eyes and I can feel the watery substance slowly dry on my smooth skin when the wind blows roughly around my ears.
It stings - my skin around my cheeks, my lips and my throat.
Today, exactly one year ago my life took a huge turn - personally as well as professionally. I remember that one day in summer when he had called me while I was playing soccer with my team. It was a brutally hot day; I can still feel the sweat dripping down my tricot and the nervousness building up in my body when I picked up the phone to hear his voice. It was shaky and left a scared impression, I can still hear it in my mind and what he said keeps playing on repeat. Day after day I try not to think about it but I’m too weak and I simply can’t help it. He found the right words and said exactly what I had wished to hear for a very long time, I guess it was just the wrong timing.
Out of the blue I feel something tug on my pants and when I lower my head I find a little black dog in front of the bench, staring at me with big eyes, I wonder who it belongs to.
A little girl comes running toward me and yells out, waving at my direction. She said it is her dog and she is sorry for bothering me. Of course I smile and tell her it is fine, and when she replies with a smile I watched her worried expression fade. It made me feel something warm inside my chest for a moment - then I remember what I’ve been avoiding to think about.
I’m still blaming myself for what happened.
How could I have been so blind and acted so cold?
That’s not me at all, I don’t understand myself. With the days, weeks and month passing I think maybe I was just too scared? But that is just one of the lamest excuses ever.
It’s like all the happiness in the world disappeared from my surface with that incident, that tiny mistake I made and I couldn’t get myself to do anything about it once I realized everything. So of course I am the one to blame for my own misery but I cannot forgive myself for pulling someone else into misery as well.
There are four children in the distant, playing with their dolls and throwing snow at each other whilst their parents seem to have a laid back conversation. They laugh and giggle, eat takoyaki and seem very happy tonight. Looking at their direction I pull down my hat a little to cover my ears properly and tighten the grip around my body, pulling together my coat around my waist. It’s so cold tonight I can hardly feel my toes anymore. How I wish I could feel just a little bit of their happiness as well, maybe it would make me feel less of that painful cold.
Today exactly one year ago you dropped the bomb, literally, and I can’t blame you for reacting like that nevertheless I wish you hadn’t done what you did. I still wish you had found a different way, less painful and life changing, but I know it would not have worked.
After the phone call you avoided me and I actually wondered what I had done wrong. I was scared I had pulled one prank too many or said something stupid again but you didn’t even want to talk to me anymore.
I believe the last thing you had said to me before you left for a long vacation was ‘thank you’.
Of course I didn’t understand your actions at all and I guess nobody did at that time. I wished I had found a way to approach you though, instead of cutting myself off of you, like I had done something bad and thought that everything would just be fine if I leave you alone.
I was just confused and hurt, and now it’s haunting me.
I thought you would be alright soon and I didn’t come to think that I am the reason that everything ended, everything we had worked for so hard.
Even if it’s one year ago I still remember the night clearly, I was all over the country, the horrible ‘message’ you stated on live TV, broadcasted nationwide. You do know what you have done to millions of people, worldwide, when you stated that you’d quit NEWS and that there was no way the band would ever do anything together?
Do you?
I thought I couldn’t forgive you, never. NEWS was everything I had worked for with all my strength and I looked up to you like I would never look up to anyone else, ever. The others too, worked hard and everyone loved our band and what we had together. I think most people still haven’t forgiven you.
I did.
I guess I just love you too much; I would forgive everything you’d do or say.
And anyways it’s been a year ever since that night and I’m still living. At least that’s what it looks like and people keep telling me ‘life goes on, even without NEWS.’ Which is true but sad, and I have never felt that alive again, like during the times we spent together. Of course I had to give up on Tegomasu too, you made that very clear.
It’s ok now, as I said I forgave you.
And it’s not like I want to sing anymore anyways.
How could I, since I am the one to blame?
I don’t even know what I am currently doing for a living… some TV shows, some movies? Various things that don’t include singing and don’t expect me to smile a lot, I don’t even remember most of the titles or the casts names, it’s not like they’re really important to me anyways. Now it became just something I need to do in order to get through with life.
I pull my coat tighter around my body, wincing as the cold wind bites at my face and hands through my gloves. The streets become quieter now; families are on their way home to spend a warm and cozy night with their loved ones. Taking another last look around and catching a glimpse of a young kissing couple I get up and ready to leave. Brushing off the snow from my coat and hat I start walking towards the way I came from. As I pass a couple small food stands I order myself some takoyaki to eat on the way home. I won’t have anything nice to eat there anyways.
One Year later
The rain begins to pour down heavy as I step out of my apartment, and I am happy I took the umbrella with me despite what the news reporter said this morning. My small apartment is located at the top level of a lonely looking complex, gray and white. It’s kind of posh though, despite the horrible surroundings. I don’t particularly like it but neither do I hate it, it’s just convenient to live close to the busy shopping district and still have enough privacy.
It’s the time of year again and I make my way toward the park near the busy and always crowded streets of Shibuya. That little piece of nature within the big city is calming, despite the hectic everywhere, even on Christmas Eve. Today there is no snow, not really wintry like last year, instead it is raining. It’s a cold and very unpleasant kind of rain, the wind is hauling around my body too and despite the thick muffler and gloves I am wearing it’s almost as cold as I remember it to have been last year - holding an umbrella doesn’t really help either.
What do you do on a day like this? With a heart full of longing and memories that won’t fade?
My soul is yearning to feel like I belong somewhere, but that somewhere disappeared into nowhere last Christmas. At a cold, snowy and lonely night on the 23rd of December I was getting too tired of being alone and I wanted to stop my heart from aching every single day of waking up to a dark filled nothingness, so I decided to call him once I reached home that night.
I guess it was a bad idea because ever since it hurts even more, and I can’t stop it, I just can’t stop it.
There is simply nothing that can make me forget.
His number was out of service so I picked out my old note and looked for his home number. The only message I had gotten from his mother was that I could not talk to him.
He left, just like that; left everything and everyone behind.
The only person he had informed was his agency, of course. He didn’t even say a word to his friends but I can’t blame him for not telling me, I mean it’s not like we had talked in a year back then anyways, but still it hurt.
I could hardly sleep that night on Christmas Eve; I tossed and turned in bed with those agonizing memories and thoughts at the back of my mind. I remember it clearly, I had gotten home quite early the next day and when I turned on the TV I read the headlines saying he had left Japan for good, starting a new life in America - on Christmas Eve.
The rain slowly seems to cease and today there are more people on the streets than usually, humming along to the loud and happy Christmas tunes that play everywhere, even the lights seem brighter than the past years. The stores are opened 24 hours tonight and the noises grow louder with each step I take toward the park.
I know you hated Christmas, but did it really help escaping into the sun?
Does the pain fade with every ray of warm summer sun that hits your skin?
Does it really work to exchange the dreary darkness with sunshine?
I hope it did for you after all.
I’m taking a seat on the bench I usually come to, it is wet but I don’t mind. I keep watching the world and everybody, watching the world spin around but no one can see me, or maybe we’re just too blind. The rain has slowly stopped but I’m still holding on to the umbrella, staring into the dark nothingness in front of me. There are a lot of people, families, couples - the usual - but I don’t see them…I see nothing but darkness slowly surrounding me.
Today your mother called me, I was surprised. I haven’t heard from you or anyone in over two years but it was nice to hear her voice, she was worried about me. Can you believe? I don’t really, but it made me happy for a moment - a moment I will treasure forever. She asked me how I was doing and I told her, fine. Such a tiny lie is alright, ne? I don’t like people to worry over me; I might not be worth their pain.
I asked her how you were doing and she seemed happy about it. That I asked? That you are doing fine? Either way, she said you were doing very well and knowing that little fact really made me happy for a change.
I’ll pray for you until the end, though I believe you won’t need my prayers or help. But that’s fine.
I told her not say a word, ever. So I guess you won’t ever know that I still exist or even talked to your mother. I feel better that way, forgotten.
I wasn’t someone who hated himself, in fact I always was cheerful and bright and I thought highly of myself. Realizing the mistakes I made by simply not taking life seriously enough makes me wonder if it was right to have lived happy like that?
I guess it wasn’t or else I would be happy right now, I would be with someone right now, I would be with you right now.
We haven’t spoken in years and I doubt we will ever see each other again. You’re living a happy life in the sun of southern California, right? Even though you haven’t exchanged a word with anyone from our band ever since you left NEWS I knew you weren’t happy here anymore. You still worked on dramas and movies, many actually, but despite the smiles on TV there were no real smiles on your face anymore.
To be honest I was happy that I didn’t have to see your face on TV every time I turn it on; it was hard to get around it even if you tried like I did. After another year I came to realize it doesn’t particularly make it easier though.
There are still images of you flooding my head, very often and I can’t stop your voice from spinning around my mind.
There are a lot of times when I feel like crying because I won’t see your perfect smile ever again. You won’t ever smile at me like that again, right?
The painful ache in my chest grows stronger every day because I won’t feel your touch ever again. You won’t embrace me in your arms when you’re happy ever again, right?
I want to hide my face and never talk to anyone again because I won’t hear your amazing voice in its actual beauty, when you sing or simply talk to me ever again. You won’t ever talk to me again, right?
A lonely tear is making its way down my flushed face, the cold is killing me and I wish to slowly fall asleep right now. I just want to run away from everyone and everything.
Love is overrated, I’m just too weak.
I would spill my blood, I’d die for you and I’ll pray for you until the end if it will secure you living a happy life just like you deserve it.
READ ON !!! IT WAS TOO LONG to post in one go >_< .
Chapter: Chapter 2 || follow up to "Wrong Number…. "
Rating: PG?
Genre: Angst
Pairing: Yuya Tegoshi/Yamashita Tomohisa
Disclaimer: Maybe someday I will own those pretty sweet boys ^^;
Summary: What happened after Yamashita secretly confessed to Tegoshi?
A/N: When I started thinking about the fic I was over flown with a rich imagery and tried my best to bring it across this time. I’m not perfect, maybe not even good at all in describing what I ‘see’ or feel but I hope I didn’t fail to bad!
Here some facts about the fic.
- Most of it was done within a day, I literally had an explosion of thoughts and almost drowned in them >.<
- Since I am such a bad/lazy editor I couldn’t get myself to work on it for longer than another day.
- I think this is the first time I am actually writing in 1st person, at least for such a long fic.
- There might be mistakes, since English is not my mother tongue >.<
- I wanted it to be in present tense, right? So I hope it still is somehow alright to read.
- This is a Christmas Fic of some sort.
- Yes I have over exaggerated a bit, maybe a lot.
- Sorry for making it an angsty story!
- I was inspired by a song I came across on Youtube by accident.
- It was supposed to be a short songfic but in the end I didn’t really use the lyrics as such.
- I made it chapter two of “Wrong Number….” So you might want to this read it first ^^
- It’s written in TEGOSHI’s POV | thinking and talking to himself ^^
Solitary Rose
Today isn’t a day I looked forward to very much at all, it’s one of the days I despise the most - but what am I to do? I can’t stop the world from turning and life will always go on despite our daily complaints about this and that - if that wasn’t bad enough there are also a lot of things that happened in the past and you would give an arm for to change them.
It’s tough to walk having cold wind blow in your face and I wish I had bought that nice furry winter jacket I saw yesterday at the indigo. The snow covered streets of the big city is muddy and gray - and again it’s just one of those cold days in December you rather spent somewhere far far away in the sun, maybe Hawaii or Egypt, just to be sure there won’t be any rain or snow at all times.
My body shivers at the cool breeze that hits my face every now and then, shoving my hands into my long dark coat’s pockets as I walk down a lonely road, which eventually leads me to a small park nearby. It’s already getting dark, clouds or smog are covering the beautiful heavens above - it’s really hard to tell what exactly is up there but I am relieved I won’t have to look at pretty stars tonight. With the years passing I came to more or less hate anything as beautiful as stars and flowers and other things that will only remind me of something I can’t hold close.
The road I am walking along is quite dark since here are only a few streetlights, the houses I pass seem to be empty and very few people are out tonight. Once I will get to the park it will definitely be more crowded though, as it is every year around this time. A place filled with countless cheerful families and couples in love, yeah the cliché scenery you’ll expect around Christmas, especially tonight on Christmas Eve.
So how did I get here again? People will think I am walking around aimlessly like a stray cat but who am I to actually bother? I gave up on what others think about me a long long time ago. Still it does feel a little awkward at times, when small children give you a ‘sad’ look and an expression that says more than a thousand words would, before they run back to hug their parents tightly. It’s not that I am all alone, I do have my family and friends - few friends but those count most.
It starts snowing again; single snowflakes are making their long way down to the ground, one after the other and I’m squeezing the little pink heart shaped hand warmers in my pockets tightly. The tiny white fluffs dance around my nose and melt at the touch of my skin, especially when they fall on my cheeks. After walking for a while already it’s getting way to cold to put on a smile - it’s not like I am actually in the mood to smile anyways.
I like to watch snowflakes fall down from the sky, the usually clear blue sky that makes you feel free and warm inside on a hot summers day, but can make you feel the opposite on a day like this.
Cold, lonesome, dreary and beyond hope.
You can hear happy sounds growing louder as I am getting closer to my destination and from here I can already see many bright lights flicker in the distant. There is also an aromatic smell in the air, probably coming from certain food stands that are set up around Christmas. The smell grows stronger with every step I’m taking and even music can be heard from afar, soft and sweet tunes.
People stayed the same despite everything changed. In ten years, I wonder, will we still keep going in circles?
Everyone knows the song ‘White Christmas’, right? I used to dream of a white Christmas too when I was little, soon I figured it doesn’t really change much if you have a white Christmas or not, as long as you won’t have the person you want to spend it with it’s still a very dull time of the year. After all Christmas has the image of a warm and sweet season you want to spend with someone special, doesn’t it? While everyone keeps wishing you a white Christmas with days “merry and bright”, it only makes you remember how it just won’t be all “merry and bright” and exactly that’s what brought me here tonight.
The road gets busier here and the park is finally visible. Whilst I’m passing cheerful families, smiling and laughing, shopping and eating, chatting and taking photos, I remember the days I came here too, smiling and laughing but these days are long gone. Nevertheless it’s a lovely scene, really. Bright and colorful lights reflect in the shops windows and white roofs in wonderful shades whilst the snow is falling down quite heavily now.
Even here they play Christmas tunes, which might be a little surprising for this part of the world but everyone has become less narrow-minded as it seems, or maybe everyone is just as calculating as you expect them to be and their all in for the money. I don’t really care right now and I wouldn’t mind less Christmas songs either, though I used to love them. Singing cheerful or heart-wrenching songs with your friends and family is something special but even that bit of motivation seems to have left me.
I’m just making my way down the busy road now until I reach the small part with the trees covered in snow and the frozen lake behind. Some trees are decorated with colorful lights and some are simply hung with just plain white lights, red glitter balls and golden bells. There is a park bench not far from the lake I used to come a lot during the summer. Even the bench is covered with snow, so I clean it off a bit before I sit down and remember the days I had come here before.
Everything looks so calm and much lonelier than during the hot days when kids are running around with their balls, toys and dogs. I would bring my dog here too and even my ball, just like a kid? Anyways it’s always been fun.
As I sit here and watch the people enjoying themselves the pain in my chest is getting worse, I can feel my heart ache with every breath of cold air I take in and my body is losing warmth by the minute. In order to get rid of those painful memories which keep haunting me, I pull my music player out of my coat and put on my favorite track, quickly shoving my hands back into my pockets.
Love is overrated but why does it affect you so much after all? Why does it hurt like hell and why is there no cure for it?
You must have thought the same, right?
Lifting my head I look into the distant night sky and for a single moment there’s a lonely star showing itself to me. A tear escapes and runs down my cheek as I close my eyes and I can feel the watery substance slowly dry on my smooth skin when the wind blows roughly around my ears.
It stings - my skin around my cheeks, my lips and my throat.
Today, exactly one year ago my life took a huge turn - personally as well as professionally. I remember that one day in summer when he had called me while I was playing soccer with my team. It was a brutally hot day; I can still feel the sweat dripping down my tricot and the nervousness building up in my body when I picked up the phone to hear his voice. It was shaky and left a scared impression, I can still hear it in my mind and what he said keeps playing on repeat. Day after day I try not to think about it but I’m too weak and I simply can’t help it. He found the right words and said exactly what I had wished to hear for a very long time, I guess it was just the wrong timing.
Out of the blue I feel something tug on my pants and when I lower my head I find a little black dog in front of the bench, staring at me with big eyes, I wonder who it belongs to.
A little girl comes running toward me and yells out, waving at my direction. She said it is her dog and she is sorry for bothering me. Of course I smile and tell her it is fine, and when she replies with a smile I watched her worried expression fade. It made me feel something warm inside my chest for a moment - then I remember what I’ve been avoiding to think about.
I’m still blaming myself for what happened.
How could I have been so blind and acted so cold?
That’s not me at all, I don’t understand myself. With the days, weeks and month passing I think maybe I was just too scared? But that is just one of the lamest excuses ever.
It’s like all the happiness in the world disappeared from my surface with that incident, that tiny mistake I made and I couldn’t get myself to do anything about it once I realized everything. So of course I am the one to blame for my own misery but I cannot forgive myself for pulling someone else into misery as well.
There are four children in the distant, playing with their dolls and throwing snow at each other whilst their parents seem to have a laid back conversation. They laugh and giggle, eat takoyaki and seem very happy tonight. Looking at their direction I pull down my hat a little to cover my ears properly and tighten the grip around my body, pulling together my coat around my waist. It’s so cold tonight I can hardly feel my toes anymore. How I wish I could feel just a little bit of their happiness as well, maybe it would make me feel less of that painful cold.
Today exactly one year ago you dropped the bomb, literally, and I can’t blame you for reacting like that nevertheless I wish you hadn’t done what you did. I still wish you had found a different way, less painful and life changing, but I know it would not have worked.
After the phone call you avoided me and I actually wondered what I had done wrong. I was scared I had pulled one prank too many or said something stupid again but you didn’t even want to talk to me anymore.
I believe the last thing you had said to me before you left for a long vacation was ‘thank you’.
Of course I didn’t understand your actions at all and I guess nobody did at that time. I wished I had found a way to approach you though, instead of cutting myself off of you, like I had done something bad and thought that everything would just be fine if I leave you alone.
I was just confused and hurt, and now it’s haunting me.
I thought you would be alright soon and I didn’t come to think that I am the reason that everything ended, everything we had worked for so hard.
Even if it’s one year ago I still remember the night clearly, I was all over the country, the horrible ‘message’ you stated on live TV, broadcasted nationwide. You do know what you have done to millions of people, worldwide, when you stated that you’d quit NEWS and that there was no way the band would ever do anything together?
Do you?
I thought I couldn’t forgive you, never. NEWS was everything I had worked for with all my strength and I looked up to you like I would never look up to anyone else, ever. The others too, worked hard and everyone loved our band and what we had together. I think most people still haven’t forgiven you.
I did.
I guess I just love you too much; I would forgive everything you’d do or say.
And anyways it’s been a year ever since that night and I’m still living. At least that’s what it looks like and people keep telling me ‘life goes on, even without NEWS.’ Which is true but sad, and I have never felt that alive again, like during the times we spent together. Of course I had to give up on Tegomasu too, you made that very clear.
It’s ok now, as I said I forgave you.
And it’s not like I want to sing anymore anyways.
How could I, since I am the one to blame?
I don’t even know what I am currently doing for a living… some TV shows, some movies? Various things that don’t include singing and don’t expect me to smile a lot, I don’t even remember most of the titles or the casts names, it’s not like they’re really important to me anyways. Now it became just something I need to do in order to get through with life.
I pull my coat tighter around my body, wincing as the cold wind bites at my face and hands through my gloves. The streets become quieter now; families are on their way home to spend a warm and cozy night with their loved ones. Taking another last look around and catching a glimpse of a young kissing couple I get up and ready to leave. Brushing off the snow from my coat and hat I start walking towards the way I came from. As I pass a couple small food stands I order myself some takoyaki to eat on the way home. I won’t have anything nice to eat there anyways.
One Year later
The rain begins to pour down heavy as I step out of my apartment, and I am happy I took the umbrella with me despite what the news reporter said this morning. My small apartment is located at the top level of a lonely looking complex, gray and white. It’s kind of posh though, despite the horrible surroundings. I don’t particularly like it but neither do I hate it, it’s just convenient to live close to the busy shopping district and still have enough privacy.
It’s the time of year again and I make my way toward the park near the busy and always crowded streets of Shibuya. That little piece of nature within the big city is calming, despite the hectic everywhere, even on Christmas Eve. Today there is no snow, not really wintry like last year, instead it is raining. It’s a cold and very unpleasant kind of rain, the wind is hauling around my body too and despite the thick muffler and gloves I am wearing it’s almost as cold as I remember it to have been last year - holding an umbrella doesn’t really help either.
What do you do on a day like this? With a heart full of longing and memories that won’t fade?
My soul is yearning to feel like I belong somewhere, but that somewhere disappeared into nowhere last Christmas. At a cold, snowy and lonely night on the 23rd of December I was getting too tired of being alone and I wanted to stop my heart from aching every single day of waking up to a dark filled nothingness, so I decided to call him once I reached home that night.
I guess it was a bad idea because ever since it hurts even more, and I can’t stop it, I just can’t stop it.
There is simply nothing that can make me forget.
His number was out of service so I picked out my old note and looked for his home number. The only message I had gotten from his mother was that I could not talk to him.
He left, just like that; left everything and everyone behind.
The only person he had informed was his agency, of course. He didn’t even say a word to his friends but I can’t blame him for not telling me, I mean it’s not like we had talked in a year back then anyways, but still it hurt.
I could hardly sleep that night on Christmas Eve; I tossed and turned in bed with those agonizing memories and thoughts at the back of my mind. I remember it clearly, I had gotten home quite early the next day and when I turned on the TV I read the headlines saying he had left Japan for good, starting a new life in America - on Christmas Eve.
The rain slowly seems to cease and today there are more people on the streets than usually, humming along to the loud and happy Christmas tunes that play everywhere, even the lights seem brighter than the past years. The stores are opened 24 hours tonight and the noises grow louder with each step I take toward the park.
I know you hated Christmas, but did it really help escaping into the sun?
Does the pain fade with every ray of warm summer sun that hits your skin?
Does it really work to exchange the dreary darkness with sunshine?
I hope it did for you after all.
I’m taking a seat on the bench I usually come to, it is wet but I don’t mind. I keep watching the world and everybody, watching the world spin around but no one can see me, or maybe we’re just too blind. The rain has slowly stopped but I’m still holding on to the umbrella, staring into the dark nothingness in front of me. There are a lot of people, families, couples - the usual - but I don’t see them…I see nothing but darkness slowly surrounding me.
Today your mother called me, I was surprised. I haven’t heard from you or anyone in over two years but it was nice to hear her voice, she was worried about me. Can you believe? I don’t really, but it made me happy for a moment - a moment I will treasure forever. She asked me how I was doing and I told her, fine. Such a tiny lie is alright, ne? I don’t like people to worry over me; I might not be worth their pain.
I asked her how you were doing and she seemed happy about it. That I asked? That you are doing fine? Either way, she said you were doing very well and knowing that little fact really made me happy for a change.
I’ll pray for you until the end, though I believe you won’t need my prayers or help. But that’s fine.
I told her not say a word, ever. So I guess you won’t ever know that I still exist or even talked to your mother. I feel better that way, forgotten.
I wasn’t someone who hated himself, in fact I always was cheerful and bright and I thought highly of myself. Realizing the mistakes I made by simply not taking life seriously enough makes me wonder if it was right to have lived happy like that?
I guess it wasn’t or else I would be happy right now, I would be with someone right now, I would be with you right now.
We haven’t spoken in years and I doubt we will ever see each other again. You’re living a happy life in the sun of southern California, right? Even though you haven’t exchanged a word with anyone from our band ever since you left NEWS I knew you weren’t happy here anymore. You still worked on dramas and movies, many actually, but despite the smiles on TV there were no real smiles on your face anymore.
To be honest I was happy that I didn’t have to see your face on TV every time I turn it on; it was hard to get around it even if you tried like I did. After another year I came to realize it doesn’t particularly make it easier though.
There are still images of you flooding my head, very often and I can’t stop your voice from spinning around my mind.
There are a lot of times when I feel like crying because I won’t see your perfect smile ever again. You won’t ever smile at me like that again, right?
The painful ache in my chest grows stronger every day because I won’t feel your touch ever again. You won’t embrace me in your arms when you’re happy ever again, right?
I want to hide my face and never talk to anyone again because I won’t hear your amazing voice in its actual beauty, when you sing or simply talk to me ever again. You won’t ever talk to me again, right?
A lonely tear is making its way down my flushed face, the cold is killing me and I wish to slowly fall asleep right now. I just want to run away from everyone and everything.
Love is overrated, I’m just too weak.
I would spill my blood, I’d die for you and I’ll pray for you until the end if it will secure you living a happy life just like you deserve it.
READ ON !!! IT WAS TOO LONG to post in one go >_< .