I've been doing some "soul searching"
I've always liked that phrase. It makes it seem like confusion and frustration are actually good things.
I've been bitching about this same feeling for so long.
I had this idea in my head when I came here. I thought I would get things together, go to class, and find something I liked. I thought I would finally enjoy school, and be passionate about something. I haven't been passionate about anything for an extended period of time since... well....
I used to play video games constantly. That is the only thing that I can remember ever being truly passionate about. I remember the first time that I realized that my interest in video games was faltering. My parents went away to visit my sister at the University of Michigan during her freshman year. It was September. I was a junior in high school. I stayed home for the whole weekend, alone. I rented ICO. It was an amazing game, and I loved it. I couldn't get myself to finish the game, even though it was only about six hours long. I wanted to. Instead, I sat online and read about it.
This feeling has come and gone about so many games, so many books. It's ruined my budding interest in foreign languages, guitar, wrestling, writing, movies, basketball, juggling. The list goes on. I love to listen to music. That has remained constant for about a year now, maybe more. Listening to it gives me hope, and I can relate to it. It gives the bad times the gloomy feel they deserve, and it makes days filled with nothing eventful. It's manufactured emotion just for me, and I'm a sucker for it.
Its not like I really even care that much. It feels like things will all be okay. I want to care, but I just don't. This feeling has become my general outlook on life. I'm not a very good friend to people. I'm not a particularly funny, or charming person (I feel as if I used to be), but there are people that consider me a "best friend" or closer. I have trouble accepting this. I'm a terrible friend. I'd go as far to say that I don't even know what a friend is.
I don't know why I feel this way. Today, an alumni of the fraternity dropped off about $5000 worth of rockstar energy drink. He works for the company that makes it, and apparently they had a bunch of it that they didn't know what to do with. It'll help me stay awake at night and do shit like this. The other day, for just a moment, I got caught up words and thought I might be suicidal. Immediately after having that thought, I realized that I've never once in my entire life felt like dying, and thats more than some people can say I guess.
I can't really kick this whole livejournal thing, even though I've tried a few times... I'm actually happy about that.
I've been bitching about this same feeling for so long.
I had this idea in my head when I came here. I thought I would get things together, go to class, and find something I liked. I thought I would finally enjoy school, and be passionate about something. I haven't been passionate about anything for an extended period of time since... well....
I used to play video games constantly. That is the only thing that I can remember ever being truly passionate about. I remember the first time that I realized that my interest in video games was faltering. My parents went away to visit my sister at the University of Michigan during her freshman year. It was September. I was a junior in high school. I stayed home for the whole weekend, alone. I rented ICO. It was an amazing game, and I loved it. I couldn't get myself to finish the game, even though it was only about six hours long. I wanted to. Instead, I sat online and read about it.
This feeling has come and gone about so many games, so many books. It's ruined my budding interest in foreign languages, guitar, wrestling, writing, movies, basketball, juggling. The list goes on. I love to listen to music. That has remained constant for about a year now, maybe more. Listening to it gives me hope, and I can relate to it. It gives the bad times the gloomy feel they deserve, and it makes days filled with nothing eventful. It's manufactured emotion just for me, and I'm a sucker for it.
Its not like I really even care that much. It feels like things will all be okay. I want to care, but I just don't. This feeling has become my general outlook on life. I'm not a very good friend to people. I'm not a particularly funny, or charming person (I feel as if I used to be), but there are people that consider me a "best friend" or closer. I have trouble accepting this. I'm a terrible friend. I'd go as far to say that I don't even know what a friend is.
I don't know why I feel this way. Today, an alumni of the fraternity dropped off about $5000 worth of rockstar energy drink. He works for the company that makes it, and apparently they had a bunch of it that they didn't know what to do with. It'll help me stay awake at night and do shit like this. The other day, for just a moment, I got caught up words and thought I might be suicidal. Immediately after having that thought, I realized that I've never once in my entire life felt like dying, and thats more than some people can say I guess.
I can't really kick this whole livejournal thing, even though I've tried a few times... I'm actually happy about that.