(no subject)
Why is it that I'm only talked to when someone is drunk, and that's when they think of me, to talk to ME?
The I love you's, the I miss you's, the why did you have to ruin it alls. IT's been almost a year, yet it feels like yesterday when I made it out here. It's been a while since I've been able to think of myself as stable and strong enough to handle anything. That I have "moved on", and nothing in this world would bring me back out there...
I feel sad, sad that when we were together I lost myself. I feel sad that I still love, but am not in love. That when we were apart, we made it. But together, we fell apart. I wanted more than was given to me. I hate that I still dream about the "what if's", and the "could it ever have worked out"?
But then I see myself and what I've become and how I think about things, and I like this me that I had forgotten. The fun me, the wants to make friends with everyone I meet me, the damn everyone loves to be around me me.... I'm getting back to that every day now. And I'm happy, I'm freakishly happy. I laugh more than I think I ever have in a long while, I dance because I can!
But I am lonely all at the same time. Even in 100 degree weather, my bed still feels so cold and empty. Sometimes I lay awake and staring at the other side, wanting to poke him for snoring, or to brush back the hair away from his eyes cause I know he can't stand it in his face.... I miss some routines... and I miss the feelings of something no one else had with him.
But I couldn't stand the stupid bitches he kept in his life.... And it caused more drama in my head then he'll ever know. If I could have, I would've been extremely violent to them.... but instead I used the "keep your friends close, and your enemies closer" method.... obviously, the enemies won.
I'm free of all of it, and I"m not looking back. I can't.... There are times where I wish I could, and that maybe now since I've grown up from all of the bullshit things would be better.... But I know they won't. Too much history, too much pain. I get angry at even thinking about it.... I get sad at the same time for not wanting to fix it when I could have.
Maybe I just wanted out? Maybe I was just tired of always being a disappointment, for always failing him? Or maybe I just did what ever I could to get some sort of emotion from it? Or maybe I just wanted something more than I could ever get out of it?
Either way I put it, I know it isn't a one way street. There were things we both had to work on. I think we just gave up. Had enough of each other. We were always around each other, doing damn near everything together.... It gets old quickly. All my best friends left me. All my social friends were mainly his friends. And all the rest were just people I had hung out with and never talked to anymore.
Like I said.... I lost myself, forgot to look out for me first, and others later, including him. I never should've moved in.... ever. lol.
I learned my lessons, I learned a better way to be....
I refuse to back track ever again. I refuse to lose myself in anyone other than myself.
I will keep looking forward, I will keep bettering myself, and I will get to where I know I want to be.
The I love you's, the I miss you's, the why did you have to ruin it alls. IT's been almost a year, yet it feels like yesterday when I made it out here. It's been a while since I've been able to think of myself as stable and strong enough to handle anything. That I have "moved on", and nothing in this world would bring me back out there...
I feel sad, sad that when we were together I lost myself. I feel sad that I still love, but am not in love. That when we were apart, we made it. But together, we fell apart. I wanted more than was given to me. I hate that I still dream about the "what if's", and the "could it ever have worked out"?
But then I see myself and what I've become and how I think about things, and I like this me that I had forgotten. The fun me, the wants to make friends with everyone I meet me, the damn everyone loves to be around me me.... I'm getting back to that every day now. And I'm happy, I'm freakishly happy. I laugh more than I think I ever have in a long while, I dance because I can!
But I am lonely all at the same time. Even in 100 degree weather, my bed still feels so cold and empty. Sometimes I lay awake and staring at the other side, wanting to poke him for snoring, or to brush back the hair away from his eyes cause I know he can't stand it in his face.... I miss some routines... and I miss the feelings of something no one else had with him.
But I couldn't stand the stupid bitches he kept in his life.... And it caused more drama in my head then he'll ever know. If I could have, I would've been extremely violent to them.... but instead I used the "keep your friends close, and your enemies closer" method.... obviously, the enemies won.
I'm free of all of it, and I"m not looking back. I can't.... There are times where I wish I could, and that maybe now since I've grown up from all of the bullshit things would be better.... But I know they won't. Too much history, too much pain. I get angry at even thinking about it.... I get sad at the same time for not wanting to fix it when I could have.
Maybe I just wanted out? Maybe I was just tired of always being a disappointment, for always failing him? Or maybe I just did what ever I could to get some sort of emotion from it? Or maybe I just wanted something more than I could ever get out of it?
Either way I put it, I know it isn't a one way street. There were things we both had to work on. I think we just gave up. Had enough of each other. We were always around each other, doing damn near everything together.... It gets old quickly. All my best friends left me. All my social friends were mainly his friends. And all the rest were just people I had hung out with and never talked to anymore.
Like I said.... I lost myself, forgot to look out for me first, and others later, including him. I never should've moved in.... ever. lol.
I learned my lessons, I learned a better way to be....
I refuse to back track ever again. I refuse to lose myself in anyone other than myself.
I will keep looking forward, I will keep bettering myself, and I will get to where I know I want to be.