Avec Tu, Chapter 2
Summary: BDA1&2. Present for Inita. A story told in four parts. Somehow, she became more important than anything else. Jiro x Kluke
A present I wrote for Inita. Four-part piece. The second time I've ever written in second-person. While I'm not overly fond of the ending, I still think it's one of the best things I've written (if not ever, then lately).
Only the opening note in chapter one and the ending note in chapter four will be posted on LiveJournal. For unedited notes, see version of Avec Tu posted on FanFiction.Net.
~.~.~.
II.
You would imagine that the ruined village is just what Mafe must look like now - burned frames of houses; broken crockery scattered across a floor hardly even there anymore; shattered trinkets and ripped paintings lying near where there was likely once a wall; children's toys left behind by owners that have either fled or are no longer living.
You don't know for sure, though; when your house collapsed, you finally took Father's advice and ran without looking back. Perhaps it's better that way. It's easier, if nothing else. (You're guilty, so guilty, and so angry at yourself for not even taking one last look to say goodbye.)
For a moment, you're confused when you spot a wooden pole-like stick in the ground, a thin but long piece of rope tied around it. The string rises with each breeze, and you see some little clips attached to it, some bearing charred pieces of cloth...
It is a clothesline, and as a strip of clothing flutters in the air, a memory of yours floats along with it.
You are young; you're a tiny thing and Jina hasn't been born yet, so this must be one of your first memories. The grass feels warm, brushing your bare calves and soft under your palms, as you watch Mother pluck one of her shirts out of the basket and hang it up on the line with the other recently washed clothes. The wind picks up suddenly, and you watch from beneath them as all of the clothes dance in the wind to a soundless rhythm only they can hear. You smile and laugh; to your child's mind, they look like birds taking flight in the clear and beautiful blue sky.
Years and years later, the bright blue sky will be just as clear and beautiful when Mafe burns.
(Everything always ends in fire.)
You look away now, closing your eyes as a shudder passes through your body. Since Nene's defeat, sometimes (when Kluke talks with you over mechat repairs, when Shu jokes around with you, and before things changed you never saw yourself doing that with either of them) you think you're almost over Mafe. Then come the mornings when you wake up trying not to scream from seeing your parents burning alive (you never actually saw that part, but the nightmares like to toy around with you), and it makes you wonder if during your "good days" you aren't actually incredibly insane.
... How could she do this?
You told yourself not to care for anyone, not to trust anyone. You had warned yourself. Time and time again. And now you have to deal with the whole new gaping wound Zola's betrayal has left behind.
Yet here you are, searching for Kluke, who has run off. Trusting her and caring for her.
You're a fool, Jiro.
You know.
The sound of sobs reaches your ears before you see the person causing them.
You round the corner, and your heart wrenches as you spot Kluke on the ground and bent nearly double from the sheer force of her crying.
Rushing to her side, you kneel beside her and place your hands on her shoulders. Perhaps a week ago you would have felt nervous doing this, but ever since she returned to the group after being captured, Kluke has cleaved to you more than ever before. You don't particularly understand why, but you never question it. She has her reasons, and that's good enough for you. "Kluke, what is it? What's wrong?"
"No..." She chokes it out between tears. "No more..."
You want to ask her what she means, but don't know how to do it without being insensitive. You think hard for a moment, but no words are forthcoming.
But it doesn't matter, because Kluke starts to speak again, "No more! No more killing... No more dying... I can't take it anymore!" She shoves herself into your arms, head pressing against you hard as your white sweater is soaked with her seemingly endless tears. "I'm tired of living in this life filled with suffering."
You hold her tighter, heart breaking for this girl that means so much to you. Oh, how you had wanted to prevent this! Zola had seen much of the world, had seen its beauties and horrors in equal turn, but your other four comrades were so naive and innocent. They had not been exposed to the cold hard truths that you had been forced to see when you were not yet ten years old, and you may come off to others as being heartless, but you never wanted any of them to have to see the terrors that had destroyed you. How you wanted to protect them, shield them, save them! Always Kluke, eventually Shu, and though you've hardly spent any real time with either, Marumaro and Bouquet as well. But now the world is about to end, Zola is gone, and things are out of your hands. You cannot protect them anymore, if you were ever able to.
And the one person you wanted to keep from this the most is the first to have her eyes opened.
You're failing the ones you care about again, Jiro (failing your family again, this time your new one).
You know.
If nothing else, you think, bitterly grateful, at least the death and destruction she's witnessing is that of strangers. If nothing else, at least she doesn't have to feel grief that cuts so deep that it makes you wonder if your heart will ever stop bleeding. If nothing else, at least it won't make her lust for their slaughterer's blood until she no longer recognizes herself in the mirror.
If nothing else, at least she won't become you.
... Maybe you can save them after all.
Your hand goes to her back, rubbing in soothing circles. She immediately starts to calm down, and you almost, almost smile; unlike most guys you can say that you know how to comfort a girl because, after all, you weren't just a big brother in name. But you weren't there to comfort her when the fire began to lick at her skin, or when the roof collapsed down on her already broken body. Were you-? You shut down the thought immediately; your mind takes you down that nightmarish path enough as it is, and you need to be strong right now - she is leaning on you in more ways than one. "That's why we have to keep fighting, Kluke," you say softly, a bit of scratching in your voice. Probably from dehydration; you and the others have been on the road for at least three days, doing nothing but running from village to village to try and warn them, to get them out before it's too late. (Sometimes, though - like now - you don't make it in time.) "These people need us. If we stop, then there will be no one to save them. So we have to keep going."
"But... Sometimes we don't make it..." She's calmer, that's for sure, but still upset. "Sometimes we can't save everyone."
You stare out at the dilapidated village, this ugly illustration of ruined lives. To yourself, where she can't hear, you wonder if people are doomed to die this way. You wonder if evil really will swallow up all that is good in the world. You wonder if the destruction will ever end. "You can never save everyone, Kluke." She lets out a choked noise. You would've kept this from her if you could have. You would have kept it from all of them. But this is a lesson that everyone must learn, eventually; Kluke just has the misfortune of learning it sooner. "But we can't stop because of that. There are still the ones that we will be able to help, and that's better than saving no one at all."
After a very long moment, you feel her nod against the inside of your elbow.
"Jiro... Please don't tell Shu about this."
Please don't tell Shu about this.
It is with a great deal of control that you keep your grip from tightening. This is not the first time Kluke has asked this of you. Before it had been when she imparted some details of her capture. To be more specific, when she told you about him.
Andropov.
She told you what he did. And though she herself could not adequately see it, you saw how Kluke felt about it.
But she's aware of it enough to know not to tell Shu.
You're not sure if anyone else really knows just how significant it was that Shu could not properly use Blue Dragon when he cried. (You know exactly what it means. If nothing else, at least Zola taught you well.) Kluke seems aware that he is distressed, and she doesn't want to add more pressure to him. She can see that he is breaking.
But the truth is this: Zola's betrayal has left Shu teetering on the edge between sanity and madness, and if he learns of Andropov, it may very well be enough to make him shatter.
You would see yourself dead before you allowed that to come to pass.
(It's odd, because you used to think that you couldn't stand him. Now, he's one of the only things you have left.)
It's hard to carry these unspoken burdens for her - that Andropov saved her from a fate that likely would have been death, that Kluke is starting to buckle under the pressure of the lives depending on them - because really, you have enough baggage as it is.
But you must.
Because if Shu learns of either, it will almost certainly be enough to push him over the edge. And if he falls into this very particular abyss, none of you will be able to pull him out again.
You won't let that happen.
However, even though it's selfish, you're also sort of doing it for you.
For all her frying-pan-swinging at Shu and punching or kicking Marumaro, Kluke has a gentle heart. Her kindness knows no bounds, and she always helps any that are in need. So for her to see all this death and misery... It's just too much. She can't handle it.
Kluke is ready to break, too.
(Perhaps all of you are.)
But more to the point, even if you try to hide it from yourself and everyone else, you still care about Kluke. Your feelings for her have been more than friendship for so long that you don't even know when it started anymore. Maybe it had always been like this. In the end, it doesn't matter.
Because you'd do anything to keep her safe. You'd do anything to keep her smiling.
And really, both goals are unrealistic nowadays (with the wold ending and whatnot, no one is able to stay unharmed and happy), but you'll keep trying anyway. Because Nene is finally gone but you need something to focus on, to aim for (so you won't feel so empty) - and since she has become the most important thing in your life, Kluke's well-being has become your priority.
Unfortunately, it can't last.
The truth is that you fear Kluke becoming close to you. There has been a darkness forming in your heart since the day your family died before your eyes, and you would do anything to keep her unaware of it (anything to keep it from poisoning her). And you know her - if she learns anything is wrong with you, she will immediately try to help because that's just who she is.
She can't help you with this, though.
(You want her to, so very badly. But it's a risk you aren't willing to take.)
Maybe, if you'd met her before Mafe was destroyed... But not now. There can never be anything between the two of you. (There could be, of course there could. You're just too scared to try it.)
You always try to tell yourself you don't mind.
It always doesn't work.
But you shove your thoughts to the very back of your mind - this line of thought is unproductive and unnecessary. You have too many real problems to worry about without letting a bunch of why's and how's cloud your reasoning. You can't look out for Kluke or any of the others if you let anything hold you back.
"I won't," you say to Kluke, reassuring her about one thing when so much else is uncertain. "Don't worry."
You feel another of her nods. "We... should probably get back to the others. They'll be wondering where we are, I suppose."
"Yes." She lets go of you and starts standing, and you feel the cold rush of air fill your arms in her place. "Let's head back."
Sometimes you don't even bother telling yourself that you don't mind.