What have we learned?
Things I have learned during my long absence from the interweb:
1.) It is not impossible to do without regular access to Myspace, Facebook, Livejournal and the like. In fact, it's remarkably easy. Unfortunately you do lose track of people, miss important events and sometimes get bored.
2.) Newton Faulkner is an utter wanker. Let's examine the evidence. He has long dreadlocks, thereby revealing the fact that he feels he has some kind of counterculture credentials, despite the fact that he plays lightweight, singer-songwriter accoustic fluff. And he had the sheer brass neck to cover Massive Attack's 'Teardrop' and reduce it to just another piece of pap for accountants. My message to Faulkner, (besides 'fuck off, soapdodger',) would be to go away and buy a Nick Drake record. Therein he would find tunes, talent and charisma, all of which he lacks. Listen and learn.
3.) Chas and Dave are geniuses. Saw them at the 100 Club and I don't think I've laughed so much for years. 'Sideboard Song' is a particular masterpiece. On the surface a domestic tragedy about the relationship of a daughter with a local ne'er-do-well, ("he hangs around the 'baccy shop, the lazy little yob", I reckon it's Newton Faulkner,) and her subsequent pregnancy and the effect it has on her family, underneath the poignant language it's actually a piss-funny cockney caper. Who's have thought it, eh?
4.) Not all technological endeavour is a benefit to the human race. See my last blog for evidence.
5.) Bollywood cinema is strangely hypnotic. Channel 4 keep putting Indian films on just after midnight and I keep finding myself watching them. No matter the fact that they mostly look like the sets and costumes were designed by someone with a head full of acid, the plots are utterly baffling and the cast all burst into song and dance for no good reason at the slightest provocation, I find myself unable to drag myself away and really wanting to know what happens.
6.) Daytime TV is entirely filled with programmes about buying, selling and decorating houses. I find this odd, since the largest groups who watch daytime TV are the old, the unemployed, the infirm and students, none of whom would be able to buy a house even if they wanted to. So who watches these shows?
7.) London is an illusion. Really, it doesn't exist.
8.) It is virtually impossible to cook a decent meal in my kitchen. It's just too small. There isn't enough space to put anything down or chop anything up. If you're trying to cook for more people than just yourself, then it becomes extremely difficult, since there isn't even enoygh space to put two plates down next to each other.
9.) Westminster City Council are thoroughly useless. First they give me a ticket under some ludicrous pretext and having changed the parking regulations without telling anyone. Then they charge me the wrong amount for my ticket. Then, after two appeals, numerous letters and me finally giving them £100, they change their minds and say that they are withdrawing the charge, but take forever to give me my money back. I paid the cheque back into my account today. The original (alleged) parking offence took place on July 31st. Please, someone put them out of their misery.
10.) It is extremely difficult to keep up with any sporting championship when you have a ladyfriend who doesn't like sport. She is coming to Bury tonight, but there is an England match on. I suspect that I will miss the match because of the lady. I am going to get my own back for this by making her niece a West Ham fan.
1.) It is not impossible to do without regular access to Myspace, Facebook, Livejournal and the like. In fact, it's remarkably easy. Unfortunately you do lose track of people, miss important events and sometimes get bored.
2.) Newton Faulkner is an utter wanker. Let's examine the evidence. He has long dreadlocks, thereby revealing the fact that he feels he has some kind of counterculture credentials, despite the fact that he plays lightweight, singer-songwriter accoustic fluff. And he had the sheer brass neck to cover Massive Attack's 'Teardrop' and reduce it to just another piece of pap for accountants. My message to Faulkner, (besides 'fuck off, soapdodger',) would be to go away and buy a Nick Drake record. Therein he would find tunes, talent and charisma, all of which he lacks. Listen and learn.
3.) Chas and Dave are geniuses. Saw them at the 100 Club and I don't think I've laughed so much for years. 'Sideboard Song' is a particular masterpiece. On the surface a domestic tragedy about the relationship of a daughter with a local ne'er-do-well, ("he hangs around the 'baccy shop, the lazy little yob", I reckon it's Newton Faulkner,) and her subsequent pregnancy and the effect it has on her family, underneath the poignant language it's actually a piss-funny cockney caper. Who's have thought it, eh?
4.) Not all technological endeavour is a benefit to the human race. See my last blog for evidence.
5.) Bollywood cinema is strangely hypnotic. Channel 4 keep putting Indian films on just after midnight and I keep finding myself watching them. No matter the fact that they mostly look like the sets and costumes were designed by someone with a head full of acid, the plots are utterly baffling and the cast all burst into song and dance for no good reason at the slightest provocation, I find myself unable to drag myself away and really wanting to know what happens.
6.) Daytime TV is entirely filled with programmes about buying, selling and decorating houses. I find this odd, since the largest groups who watch daytime TV are the old, the unemployed, the infirm and students, none of whom would be able to buy a house even if they wanted to. So who watches these shows?
7.) London is an illusion. Really, it doesn't exist.
8.) It is virtually impossible to cook a decent meal in my kitchen. It's just too small. There isn't enough space to put anything down or chop anything up. If you're trying to cook for more people than just yourself, then it becomes extremely difficult, since there isn't even enoygh space to put two plates down next to each other.
9.) Westminster City Council are thoroughly useless. First they give me a ticket under some ludicrous pretext and having changed the parking regulations without telling anyone. Then they charge me the wrong amount for my ticket. Then, after two appeals, numerous letters and me finally giving them £100, they change their minds and say that they are withdrawing the charge, but take forever to give me my money back. I paid the cheque back into my account today. The original (alleged) parking offence took place on July 31st. Please, someone put them out of their misery.
10.) It is extremely difficult to keep up with any sporting championship when you have a ladyfriend who doesn't like sport. She is coming to Bury tonight, but there is an England match on. I suspect that I will miss the match because of the lady. I am going to get my own back for this by making her niece a West Ham fan.