If You Could See What I See [Chapter 23]
Chapter: 23/?
Pairings: JaeMin, HoSu, JaeSu (past), YooMin bff
Rating: PG
Genre: Romance, Angst, Drama
Summary: They both gave up on love, one thinking that he doesn’t deserve it and the other unable to let go of a painful past. As Changmin and Jaejoong slowly discover in the other something they weren’t aware they needed, they don’t know yet that their growing feelings will get tangled in a web of secrets. And that it may change everything in a merciless fight between truth and power.
XXIII. I promise you a story different than others, if you are here to believe in it with me
The first spark of consciousness hits Jaejoong painfully, as he slowly becomes aware of the dull throbbing of his head and the overall weariness of his body. He lays unmoving, limbs heavy, eyes closed, his foggy mind too tired to make the effort of bringing back together the evanescent snippets of memories.
He doesn't try either, knowing that it's useless striving too much to remember after too many mornings like this one; the bitter acknowledgment of his own weakness will come and crush him soon enough. He focuses on his surroundings instead, on the faint signals sent by his waning senses.
He's on a bed, that he's certain of, though he doesn't remember how he ended up there. It must be quite late in the morning too, judging by the warm caress of light on his face. The taste in his mouth speaks of the burn left from too much alcohol, barely altered by the saltiness of tears. The smell is the one he's come to associate with hotel rooms, mingled with what he inwardly calls the scent of fatigue, a vague mixture of sweat and alcohol and worries.
Nothing he hasn't experienced before. Nothing new.
And yet there's something…
Something is different and he can't quite place it.
Jaejoong doesn't want to try and figure out what it is. He's tired and he wants to go back to his blissful dreamless sleep. But there's that nagging feeling in his head, a small voice screaming that it's important. Very important.
He tries to ignore it but the voice only goes stronger, and he frowns, wanting it to shut up. What if it's something important, it's not like it'll be anything good. Jaejoong doesn't want to remember, he doesn't want to because if he lets himself think of the night before, he'll be engulfed in the depressing thoughts lurking in the back of his mind. The whole point of getting himself drunk is to forget the hurt and despair, there's no use in looking their way.
He doesn't want to remember. Just leave him alone, just let him forget.
But that obsessive voice is telling him to think, to think…
He doesn't want to think of the pain.
And that's when Jaejoong places it, what's different.
It's not there.
The pain is not there.
It's not here, the stale taste of failure and emptiness that usually follows those nights when the clutches of Alone become unbearable. There's no turmoil, no helplessness, no fear, nothing. It's peaceful. His legs and arms are heavy and his head hurts, but it's because of the alcohol only. There's something bright and serene behind his jumbled thoughts, something he hasn't felt in so long.
Jaejoong is suddenly aware of other things. Of the foreign warmth in his heart, of the liberating absence of a weight on his chest, of a wild feeling of euphoria fluttering around his thoughts like it's waiting for him to embrace it.
He waits a little longer, careful, wary, because it could be nothing at all, just another trick of his mind. More than once, Jaejoong woke up after dreaming of reunions and warm embraces, and the disillusion broke his heart a little more with each crushing realization that reality was different.
But not this time, this time the more he dares to probe at the feeling of release the more real it becomes, and his heart feels like it's waking up for the first time. Loud, strong, confident. New. Whole.
"I care."
He heard them those words. He heard them, right? Please… please let them be real, please don't let them be a dream.
And Jaejoong knows already he didn't imagine them, because of the warm sensation spreading from his chest and gaining his whole body.
"I care."
Comforting, soft, gentle.
It was so… so safe, this voice; safe and strong, and unexpected, but here, for him.
The warmth reaches behind his eyes and he lets the tears form, he doesn't fight them when clear droplets start spilling between his closed eyelids. Pure, soothing, tears of relief and hope, tears of rebirth.
Jaejoong doesn't remember everything, but those two words and the wonderful knowledge that they were for him are already enough. He still wants to understand how it happens, to know the reason why they were said and make sure they are true. Eyes still closed, he struggles to make sense of what he can remember, to put back the pieces together, to be sure, certain, absolutely certain…
He remembers Junsu and the darkness after their talk, the aimless walk in foreign streets and the first loathed tears. He remembers the ride back in the taxi, the lights flashing by the window and the depressing music in the car, and the smell of leather and cigarette in the hotel lobby. He remembers the endless way to his room, stumbling in the stairs and fumbling to open his door because his legs and hands were shaking so much, so much with grief and repressed tears. Jaejoong remembers the repulsive familiarity of the bottle in his hand and of the taste of alcohol on his tongue.
And then…
"I care."
Changmin.
It was Changmin's words in his ear, it was Changmin's voice wrapping around his pain and Changmin's arms holding him, all of him, embracing his ugly sorrow and shameful fears.
The peaceful beating of his heart quickens, getting louder and stronger, urging him to let go and free it so it can beat with all of its forgotten strength. Jaejoong is ready for that, ready to finally unbind the ties he put around it himself.
He could pretend it was because of Junsu before; it was so easy to act like his heart was gone, closed, unreachable. And Jaejoong was clinging onto that excuse because it was the last defense standing before he had to face it, the true obstacle, that suffocating fear. Who would ever want of him, of what he truly is?
And Changmin stepped over it effortlessly, making everything else meaningless.
He opens his eyes at last, blinking against the flow of light coming from the window. The sky is grey outside, a sad winter day promising clouds and cold only, but for all its dullness, it's daylight welcoming him. He wants to let himself be carried by the relief and warmth assaulting his heart, but he still needs to make sure, to be certain, to erase any doubt that he could have dreamt it.
There's something at the periphery of his vision, that he doesn't pay attention to at first, until it moves and Jaejoong freezes, realizing that it might be his answer. He does his best to contain the feelings making his heart pound violently and slowly, slowly turns his head.
There he is.
Curled up on the bed next to him as he sleeps. Facing him.
Jaejoong lets go at last, allowing a delirious wave of happiness and gratitude to swallow him whole. The emotions are overflowing and for the first time, he doesn't try to stop them, a few more tears escaping his eyes as they trace the outlines of a face that has become so dear to him in such a short time.
He wishes he could scream in happiness, because all that joy piling up in his chest is too much to bear when he already convinced himself that this would never happen. But the words are not enough and his voice betrays him; he’s left with silent tears, and it doesn’t matter if they’re blurring the image before him, because it’s already perfect as it is.
Jaejoong's eyes accompany the journey of a lock of brown hair across a smooth forehead, starting from where it escapes gracefully from the rest of the tousled hair, then following the stray strand until they reach its frayed ends. The dark hair here barely brush against Changmin's eyelashes and lay along his temple in a delicate balance, like if ready to fall and cover his face any moment; like if someone kindly stopped time so that Jaejoong could make that fleeting instant last for as long as he needs.
He takes a few seconds to study the small shadow cast by the lock of hair on the closed eyes beneath, Jaejoong's mind supplying him with countless images of the expressions he already saw in the hidden orbs. He lets his gaze wander lower, following the contour of a pale cheekbone until the spot where it gets covered by Changmin's arm, as the younger man is sleeping with his head pillowed on his hand. Jaejoong's eyes finally go to trace the outlines of a mouth that he can barely see but that he already knows by heart.
He stares at the hinted fullness of lips disappearing behind the fabric of Changmin's shirt, and he starts wondering. Not about himself, because Jaejoong knows already all that there is to know about the violence of the heartbeats shaking his chest. He's known for days actually, but he can't ignore it anymore and all the remaining questions are for someone else.
Now that you're here Changmin, now that you went through every wall and made yourself home in that closed heart of mine, what are you going to do?
Are you going to be scared and runaway if I let you know how deep you reached here?
Are you going to stay?
Can you give me all that I want from you?
Because Jaejoong only knows how to love by giving everything, and he wants to be loved the same way. It's selfish, and foolish, and unfair because it's not something he can ask from Changmin. He's not supposed to need that from him, he even promised him he wouldn't feel more than he should. But even as he said those cowardly words days ago, Jaejoong knew they were a lie.
He can't go back anymore, not when the younger man took the last step to his heart and made his the pain that Jaejoong refused to let anyone see. Changmin came closer patiently, steadily, at the same time slow and scarily fast, until he was here and Jaejoong was left with no choice, just a backward counting.
He had just waited, too scared to make a step forward and too hopeful to runaway, and Changmin walked to him like it was easy, like he knew the way.
It was mere curiosity at first, he was intrigued about a shyness hiding inflexible logic and a sharp mind that only shone when Changmin let it show through timidity, and Jaejoong wondered, why?
It became respect when he had a glimpse of the maturity behind the inexperience, of the strength behind the hesitations, of Changmin's naïve honesty and his stubborn way of keeping away from the path others chose so easily, and Jaejoong wanted to know, how?
It grew into attraction when he saw the kindness carefully hidden by silences and wit. He saw it in the younger man's discreet attentions for an ill member of their team, and in his genuine smiles for each employee he came to meet during endless visits. He saw it in the way Changmin never ignored Yoochun's calls, no matter how untimely, and in his roundabout way to support him whenever he could, and Jaejoong started to think, what if…?
It became more when he understood the genuine worry and care behind clumsy apologies and tentative confidences. More, just more, an unnamed feeling without label, aimless and wild, thunderous and fragile that he was afraid to identify but that Changmin effortlessly made grow with each look, each smile, each laugh, and Jaejoong couldn’t help but wonder, what?
Until it turned to need as he finally caught signs of fragility behind that strength and rationality, in the plea for trust in an unsure look on him, in the want for reassurance in a hand holding him back, in the barely concealed desire for support when Changmin attached himself to his side after he became aware of the rumors about them, and Jaejoong wondered, when?
When has it all grown so much that he's back to feeling emotions he had banned from his heart, strong to the point of being painful?
When did it happen, that subtle shift that made Changmin's smiles and voice needed, that made Jaejoong feel important, protecting and protected?
As he lets himself drown in the sight of the younger man's relaxed face, Jaejoong allows himself to feel the emotions he tried to restrain the past days. They are overflowing, vibrant, scarily intense after having been repressed for too long, and their violence is only held back by Changmin's peaceful expression. He can hear the soft sigh of his breathing and see the gentle rising of the younger man's chest, and he can't believe he has him before his eyes, unguarded and untouched.
A little longer…
Just a few minutes to allow himself to feel everything of his swirling emotions, before he has to hide them in fear that they'll ruin it all.
There's something so frail in here, in Changmin's frame lying asleep next to him, for him only to see. Something ready to break and escape him if he isn't careful and treats it too roughly. Something he can finally admit that he needs, no matter how unreachable; something beautiful and pure that he will crush and taint if he does a mistake.
He doesn't deserve it but Jaejoong doesn't care anymore. It makes him light and dizzy, it fills his heart with hope and strength, and he wants to be the one to keep that beauty intact and shelter it from others' merciless eyes.
He doesn't care about the pallor of this face, wan from worry and fatigue, he doesn't see the dryness of the other's lips and the light shadow of unshaven skin on his cheeks and above his mouth. Jaejoong only sees in that swollen face the tears that were shed for him, and it's all he can do not to cross that detestable gap between them.
He wants to claim everything that's Changmin, to have him in his arms and make sure he won't leave, to promise him the world if he stays. He wants the feeling of those soft locks in his fingers and the rough touch of those dry lips on his, he wants to steal Changmin's words and heart. He wants everything, every smile and sigh, every breathe and heartbeat.
He knows he can't though, he'll lose it all if he asks for too much, but that doesn't prevent Jaejoong from wanting to give everything.
"I care."
He wants to know what Changmin meant, what he truly meant, how much he cares, how does he care?
Jaejoong is giving too much importance to those two words and the warmth that came with arms embracing him, he knows it but it doesn't matter. He can't remember feeling loved for who he really was before, nothing less, nothing more, loved and cared for by someone who didn't expect him to be a person he wasn’t.
A fleeting image flashes through his mind, brown eyes holding him still with the certainty in there, a flicker of despair and the soft spark of tears ready to fall.
"I want to stay."
Changmin said that too, he's sure of it. He said that and Jaejoong believes him. Like a fool, like a drowning man clinging onto his last hope.
He needs someone to stay, someone to save him, even if it's a lie or a misunderstanding, as long as he can convince himself that this time he'll never have to fear being alone anymore. The younger man saw all of him but he still said that, and Jaejoong realizes he's been waiting for those words from someone who meant them. He knows Changmin well now, he knows he meant them. He needs him to have meant them.
He will stop fighting it, he's giving in, loose and adrift. And it's already making him strong again, because there it is, a reason to hold on. His last chance. His last try.
Jaejoong isn't going to let go, but it's Changmin's fault for ignoring his warnings. He pushed him away, he did his best so that the younger man wouldn't come close, but Changmin still tried to understand and fix him, and Jaejoong won't let him leave.
He wants too much and it should scare him; it's too violent, too soon, too dangerous, too deep and too warm. It's how much Jaejoong was craving for someone's love, and how he has attached every need to the first person who managed to reach his heart again.
He wants too much but he's okay with it, as long as the younger man stays.
He will have to hide it for now, the last thing he wants is Changmin running away from him. He doesn't care about all the reasons why it's impossible, the can't and shouldn't and won't. If there's the smallest chance that he could get Changmin to feel the same way for him, Jaejoong is going to find it and make it come true.
He never learnt. Not from his father's death, and not from Junsu's choice. He still wants everything, and that makes him daring, rash and selfish, but alive. Maybe he's going to lose himself once more, but Changmin didn't leave him a chance to escape. He doesn't mind losing himself if it means he can have those gentle brown eyes and tentative embraces in return, and he will do anything so that the younger man will want to give him more.
Jaejoong blinks, focusing on the other's sleeping form, his heart adding a tinge of want and fondness to every single detail of the younger's relaxed features and peaceful expression. He engraves in his mind the sight in front of him, of Changmin before, of Changmin when it all changed, of Changmin still unaware of what he triggered with his repeated attempts to reach him.
I won't hurt you, I promise I won't hurt you. But you have to let me try and you have to try in return.
You have to let me hope and burn, and if I burn till there's nothing left of me, you have to stay and say it's okay and hope in my place.
You have to let me give you everything, and if it's not enough, you have to let me give you everything all over again.
A slight frowns appears on Changmin's face, like if echoing his thoughts, and he shifts lightly, trying to curl up on himself even more. Jaejoong notices only then that the room isn't that warm and after a few more seconds, he forces himself to tear his eyes from the younger man and leaves the bed.
He stands up a bit shakily, his headache making its way back to the front of his conscience and his abused limbs screaming after yesterday's forceful walk. Jaejoong takes a few seconds to make sure his legs won't give in under him and makes his way to the room's wardrobe, grabbing a blanket in there.
He comes back near the bed as quietly as he can and arranges the sheet around Changmin a bit clumsily, careful not to wake him up. He waits till the younger man relaxes again, his own conflicted emotions making him unable to look away for long minutes.
Jaejoong finally looks up and moves from his spot near the bed, searching for his phone to check the time. It's past 10:30am and he knows breakfast is served in the hotel till 11; if his growling stomach is any good indication, Changmin will be starving when he finally wakes up.
He decides to go downstairs and grab whatever food he can to bring back here for the two of them, unwilling to arouse the younger man from his well needed sleep and even more reluctant to let him leave his bed. He allows himself a few more seconds of staring before crossing the room, quietly closing the door behind him and heading towards the breakfast room, as fast as he can.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Changmin's dream, he's embracing Jaejoong.
It's the same feelings as before, the same need to show his care and love, the same fear that it's not enough and that the other may leave. The older man is shaking violently and no matter how tight his arms are around the trembling body, Changmin can't bring him to calm down. The tighter Jaejoong holds him, the colder it feels, and there's something terribly wrong but he can't pinpoint what it is.
He represses a whine when the older man's fingers dig into his back with so much strength it's painful, focusing instead on how happy he is to have him in his arms.
It's so cold.
Jaejoong is letting out small noises, and he hates them, Changmin wants to tell him to stop but his voice is frozen, cold like everything else. He still tries to talk but no sound comes out, and he wants to bring a hand to his throat to warm it but he can't detach his arms from the other's frame.
Then Jaejoong makes that sound again and he realizes it's not a cry. It's a laugh, and Changmin freezes.
He understands belatedly that it's not sobs racking through the older man's body but the silent shaking that comes with fits of laughter, and now he wants to push him away and run but Jaejoong's arms are too tight around him, cold and solid like ice.
That's when he realizes that they are not alone and he sees them all. Dongwon, Seunghyun, Suk-Young, the whole team and the people at Kwon and Co too, and his father and sisters, his few friends from school, all of them. Laughing. At him. Their laughs rise into the air in white ties that come to wrap around him, dreadfully cold, and he tries to escape, to get free, but Jaejoong's arms refuse to let him go.
"And to think you seemed so correct, Changmin my friend."
He stops struggling, heart sinking because it's not Jaejoong's voice, it's not, and when he dares to look down he's met with Seol-Bin's scornful mouth and disgusted eyes. That was a trap, all a trap and Changmin wants to cry but it's too cold for the tears to fall.
He's searching the terrifying crowd of mocking faces for any hint of support, for Yoochun, for Jaejoong but he can't find them. They left him, they left him alone because he pushed them away, because he wasn't strong enough and it's so cold without them around to help him get rid of the ties of others' laughter.
"So Changminnie, you didn't think you could run away from me so easily right?"
Seol-Bin is talking, or maybe it's his own mind, he doesn't know. He only knows it's keeping him bound and helpless and that with each new sound of laughter from the others, the cold around him thickens, leaving him powerless. They are handing him over to panic, tied and frozen, and despair is already swallowing him.
He gives up, resigned and crushed, feebly trying to curl on himself to keep the remaining warmth for a long as he can.
It takes him a few minutes to realize that the arms around him are loosening their hold and that the laughs are slowly dying out. He starts breathing more easily and it's not so cold anymore. He still doesn't dare to look around again, afraid that if he does, he won't see the two people he needs the most here.
Warmth makes its way back, gently peeling the cold away until the ties around him melt down, along with Seol-Bin's suffocating hold onto him. Changmin lets that warmth steal the chaotic remnants of colors and shapes, drifting off back to a dreamless sleep, vaguely aware in one far corner of his mind that someone is here to fight the cold for him after all.
Note: Well well well....? XD Ok tbh, I'm even more nervous about this than the precedent chapter :p
Jae's feelings... is it a surprise? ^^ I wanted that abrupt turn at this point of the story, but I still hope it makes sense... Jae didn't suddenly fell in love or realized his feelings, he's known he likes/loves Changmin for a while now (but I couldn't express it well through Jae's POV since he was trying to ignore it :p). He'd have surrendered to it in the end, I guess, but Min witnessing his breakdown and staying kinda "sped up" things... ^__^
Now Jae is one very possessive and uncompromising person when it comes to love, a "all or nothing" way of seeing things, hence the abrupt change now that he decides to trust Min to stay. As for Changmin, there are still some inner devils dormant under the surface uhuhu *giggles* XD
Sorry for long A/N, just wanted to clarify some things... sorry also for not many things happening here, but we're getting to the love part everyone!~ \(^o^)/
Also I'm leaving tomorrow for a week to visit family, next update on Wed/Thurs I think >___> (don't kill meeee *runs*)
Oh, and I finally made that masterpost, all previous chapters can be found here.
As always, thanks for reading/commenting!!! <3
Part 24.
Pairings: JaeMin, HoSu, JaeSu (past), YooMin bff
Rating: PG
Genre: Romance, Angst, Drama
Summary: They both gave up on love, one thinking that he doesn’t deserve it and the other unable to let go of a painful past. As Changmin and Jaejoong slowly discover in the other something they weren’t aware they needed, they don’t know yet that their growing feelings will get tangled in a web of secrets. And that it may change everything in a merciless fight between truth and power.
XXIII. I promise you a story different than others, if you are here to believe in it with me
The first spark of consciousness hits Jaejoong painfully, as he slowly becomes aware of the dull throbbing of his head and the overall weariness of his body. He lays unmoving, limbs heavy, eyes closed, his foggy mind too tired to make the effort of bringing back together the evanescent snippets of memories.
He doesn't try either, knowing that it's useless striving too much to remember after too many mornings like this one; the bitter acknowledgment of his own weakness will come and crush him soon enough. He focuses on his surroundings instead, on the faint signals sent by his waning senses.
He's on a bed, that he's certain of, though he doesn't remember how he ended up there. It must be quite late in the morning too, judging by the warm caress of light on his face. The taste in his mouth speaks of the burn left from too much alcohol, barely altered by the saltiness of tears. The smell is the one he's come to associate with hotel rooms, mingled with what he inwardly calls the scent of fatigue, a vague mixture of sweat and alcohol and worries.
Nothing he hasn't experienced before. Nothing new.
And yet there's something…
Something is different and he can't quite place it.
Jaejoong doesn't want to try and figure out what it is. He's tired and he wants to go back to his blissful dreamless sleep. But there's that nagging feeling in his head, a small voice screaming that it's important. Very important.
He tries to ignore it but the voice only goes stronger, and he frowns, wanting it to shut up. What if it's something important, it's not like it'll be anything good. Jaejoong doesn't want to remember, he doesn't want to because if he lets himself think of the night before, he'll be engulfed in the depressing thoughts lurking in the back of his mind. The whole point of getting himself drunk is to forget the hurt and despair, there's no use in looking their way.
He doesn't want to remember. Just leave him alone, just let him forget.
But that obsessive voice is telling him to think, to think…
He doesn't want to think of the pain.
And that's when Jaejoong places it, what's different.
It's not there.
The pain is not there.
It's not here, the stale taste of failure and emptiness that usually follows those nights when the clutches of Alone become unbearable. There's no turmoil, no helplessness, no fear, nothing. It's peaceful. His legs and arms are heavy and his head hurts, but it's because of the alcohol only. There's something bright and serene behind his jumbled thoughts, something he hasn't felt in so long.
Jaejoong is suddenly aware of other things. Of the foreign warmth in his heart, of the liberating absence of a weight on his chest, of a wild feeling of euphoria fluttering around his thoughts like it's waiting for him to embrace it.
He waits a little longer, careful, wary, because it could be nothing at all, just another trick of his mind. More than once, Jaejoong woke up after dreaming of reunions and warm embraces, and the disillusion broke his heart a little more with each crushing realization that reality was different.
But not this time, this time the more he dares to probe at the feeling of release the more real it becomes, and his heart feels like it's waking up for the first time. Loud, strong, confident. New. Whole.
"I care."
He heard them those words. He heard them, right? Please… please let them be real, please don't let them be a dream.
And Jaejoong knows already he didn't imagine them, because of the warm sensation spreading from his chest and gaining his whole body.
"I care."
Comforting, soft, gentle.
It was so… so safe, this voice; safe and strong, and unexpected, but here, for him.
The warmth reaches behind his eyes and he lets the tears form, he doesn't fight them when clear droplets start spilling between his closed eyelids. Pure, soothing, tears of relief and hope, tears of rebirth.
Jaejoong doesn't remember everything, but those two words and the wonderful knowledge that they were for him are already enough. He still wants to understand how it happens, to know the reason why they were said and make sure they are true. Eyes still closed, he struggles to make sense of what he can remember, to put back the pieces together, to be sure, certain, absolutely certain…
He remembers Junsu and the darkness after their talk, the aimless walk in foreign streets and the first loathed tears. He remembers the ride back in the taxi, the lights flashing by the window and the depressing music in the car, and the smell of leather and cigarette in the hotel lobby. He remembers the endless way to his room, stumbling in the stairs and fumbling to open his door because his legs and hands were shaking so much, so much with grief and repressed tears. Jaejoong remembers the repulsive familiarity of the bottle in his hand and of the taste of alcohol on his tongue.
And then…
"I care."
Changmin.
It was Changmin's words in his ear, it was Changmin's voice wrapping around his pain and Changmin's arms holding him, all of him, embracing his ugly sorrow and shameful fears.
The peaceful beating of his heart quickens, getting louder and stronger, urging him to let go and free it so it can beat with all of its forgotten strength. Jaejoong is ready for that, ready to finally unbind the ties he put around it himself.
He could pretend it was because of Junsu before; it was so easy to act like his heart was gone, closed, unreachable. And Jaejoong was clinging onto that excuse because it was the last defense standing before he had to face it, the true obstacle, that suffocating fear. Who would ever want of him, of what he truly is?
And Changmin stepped over it effortlessly, making everything else meaningless.
He opens his eyes at last, blinking against the flow of light coming from the window. The sky is grey outside, a sad winter day promising clouds and cold only, but for all its dullness, it's daylight welcoming him. He wants to let himself be carried by the relief and warmth assaulting his heart, but he still needs to make sure, to be certain, to erase any doubt that he could have dreamt it.
There's something at the periphery of his vision, that he doesn't pay attention to at first, until it moves and Jaejoong freezes, realizing that it might be his answer. He does his best to contain the feelings making his heart pound violently and slowly, slowly turns his head.
There he is.
Curled up on the bed next to him as he sleeps. Facing him.
Jaejoong lets go at last, allowing a delirious wave of happiness and gratitude to swallow him whole. The emotions are overflowing and for the first time, he doesn't try to stop them, a few more tears escaping his eyes as they trace the outlines of a face that has become so dear to him in such a short time.
He wishes he could scream in happiness, because all that joy piling up in his chest is too much to bear when he already convinced himself that this would never happen. But the words are not enough and his voice betrays him; he’s left with silent tears, and it doesn’t matter if they’re blurring the image before him, because it’s already perfect as it is.
Jaejoong's eyes accompany the journey of a lock of brown hair across a smooth forehead, starting from where it escapes gracefully from the rest of the tousled hair, then following the stray strand until they reach its frayed ends. The dark hair here barely brush against Changmin's eyelashes and lay along his temple in a delicate balance, like if ready to fall and cover his face any moment; like if someone kindly stopped time so that Jaejoong could make that fleeting instant last for as long as he needs.
He takes a few seconds to study the small shadow cast by the lock of hair on the closed eyes beneath, Jaejoong's mind supplying him with countless images of the expressions he already saw in the hidden orbs. He lets his gaze wander lower, following the contour of a pale cheekbone until the spot where it gets covered by Changmin's arm, as the younger man is sleeping with his head pillowed on his hand. Jaejoong's eyes finally go to trace the outlines of a mouth that he can barely see but that he already knows by heart.
He stares at the hinted fullness of lips disappearing behind the fabric of Changmin's shirt, and he starts wondering. Not about himself, because Jaejoong knows already all that there is to know about the violence of the heartbeats shaking his chest. He's known for days actually, but he can't ignore it anymore and all the remaining questions are for someone else.
Now that you're here Changmin, now that you went through every wall and made yourself home in that closed heart of mine, what are you going to do?
Are you going to be scared and runaway if I let you know how deep you reached here?
Are you going to stay?
Can you give me all that I want from you?
Because Jaejoong only knows how to love by giving everything, and he wants to be loved the same way. It's selfish, and foolish, and unfair because it's not something he can ask from Changmin. He's not supposed to need that from him, he even promised him he wouldn't feel more than he should. But even as he said those cowardly words days ago, Jaejoong knew they were a lie.
He can't go back anymore, not when the younger man took the last step to his heart and made his the pain that Jaejoong refused to let anyone see. Changmin came closer patiently, steadily, at the same time slow and scarily fast, until he was here and Jaejoong was left with no choice, just a backward counting.
He had just waited, too scared to make a step forward and too hopeful to runaway, and Changmin walked to him like it was easy, like he knew the way.
It was mere curiosity at first, he was intrigued about a shyness hiding inflexible logic and a sharp mind that only shone when Changmin let it show through timidity, and Jaejoong wondered, why?
It became respect when he had a glimpse of the maturity behind the inexperience, of the strength behind the hesitations, of Changmin's naïve honesty and his stubborn way of keeping away from the path others chose so easily, and Jaejoong wanted to know, how?
It grew into attraction when he saw the kindness carefully hidden by silences and wit. He saw it in the younger man's discreet attentions for an ill member of their team, and in his genuine smiles for each employee he came to meet during endless visits. He saw it in the way Changmin never ignored Yoochun's calls, no matter how untimely, and in his roundabout way to support him whenever he could, and Jaejoong started to think, what if…?
It became more when he understood the genuine worry and care behind clumsy apologies and tentative confidences. More, just more, an unnamed feeling without label, aimless and wild, thunderous and fragile that he was afraid to identify but that Changmin effortlessly made grow with each look, each smile, each laugh, and Jaejoong couldn’t help but wonder, what?
Until it turned to need as he finally caught signs of fragility behind that strength and rationality, in the plea for trust in an unsure look on him, in the want for reassurance in a hand holding him back, in the barely concealed desire for support when Changmin attached himself to his side after he became aware of the rumors about them, and Jaejoong wondered, when?
When has it all grown so much that he's back to feeling emotions he had banned from his heart, strong to the point of being painful?
When did it happen, that subtle shift that made Changmin's smiles and voice needed, that made Jaejoong feel important, protecting and protected?
As he lets himself drown in the sight of the younger man's relaxed face, Jaejoong allows himself to feel the emotions he tried to restrain the past days. They are overflowing, vibrant, scarily intense after having been repressed for too long, and their violence is only held back by Changmin's peaceful expression. He can hear the soft sigh of his breathing and see the gentle rising of the younger man's chest, and he can't believe he has him before his eyes, unguarded and untouched.
A little longer…
Just a few minutes to allow himself to feel everything of his swirling emotions, before he has to hide them in fear that they'll ruin it all.
There's something so frail in here, in Changmin's frame lying asleep next to him, for him only to see. Something ready to break and escape him if he isn't careful and treats it too roughly. Something he can finally admit that he needs, no matter how unreachable; something beautiful and pure that he will crush and taint if he does a mistake.
He doesn't deserve it but Jaejoong doesn't care anymore. It makes him light and dizzy, it fills his heart with hope and strength, and he wants to be the one to keep that beauty intact and shelter it from others' merciless eyes.
He doesn't care about the pallor of this face, wan from worry and fatigue, he doesn't see the dryness of the other's lips and the light shadow of unshaven skin on his cheeks and above his mouth. Jaejoong only sees in that swollen face the tears that were shed for him, and it's all he can do not to cross that detestable gap between them.
He wants to claim everything that's Changmin, to have him in his arms and make sure he won't leave, to promise him the world if he stays. He wants the feeling of those soft locks in his fingers and the rough touch of those dry lips on his, he wants to steal Changmin's words and heart. He wants everything, every smile and sigh, every breathe and heartbeat.
He knows he can't though, he'll lose it all if he asks for too much, but that doesn't prevent Jaejoong from wanting to give everything.
"I care."
He wants to know what Changmin meant, what he truly meant, how much he cares, how does he care?
Jaejoong is giving too much importance to those two words and the warmth that came with arms embracing him, he knows it but it doesn't matter. He can't remember feeling loved for who he really was before, nothing less, nothing more, loved and cared for by someone who didn't expect him to be a person he wasn’t.
A fleeting image flashes through his mind, brown eyes holding him still with the certainty in there, a flicker of despair and the soft spark of tears ready to fall.
"I want to stay."
Changmin said that too, he's sure of it. He said that and Jaejoong believes him. Like a fool, like a drowning man clinging onto his last hope.
He needs someone to stay, someone to save him, even if it's a lie or a misunderstanding, as long as he can convince himself that this time he'll never have to fear being alone anymore. The younger man saw all of him but he still said that, and Jaejoong realizes he's been waiting for those words from someone who meant them. He knows Changmin well now, he knows he meant them. He needs him to have meant them.
He will stop fighting it, he's giving in, loose and adrift. And it's already making him strong again, because there it is, a reason to hold on. His last chance. His last try.
Jaejoong isn't going to let go, but it's Changmin's fault for ignoring his warnings. He pushed him away, he did his best so that the younger man wouldn't come close, but Changmin still tried to understand and fix him, and Jaejoong won't let him leave.
He wants too much and it should scare him; it's too violent, too soon, too dangerous, too deep and too warm. It's how much Jaejoong was craving for someone's love, and how he has attached every need to the first person who managed to reach his heart again.
He wants too much but he's okay with it, as long as the younger man stays.
He will have to hide it for now, the last thing he wants is Changmin running away from him. He doesn't care about all the reasons why it's impossible, the can't and shouldn't and won't. If there's the smallest chance that he could get Changmin to feel the same way for him, Jaejoong is going to find it and make it come true.
He never learnt. Not from his father's death, and not from Junsu's choice. He still wants everything, and that makes him daring, rash and selfish, but alive. Maybe he's going to lose himself once more, but Changmin didn't leave him a chance to escape. He doesn't mind losing himself if it means he can have those gentle brown eyes and tentative embraces in return, and he will do anything so that the younger man will want to give him more.
Jaejoong blinks, focusing on the other's sleeping form, his heart adding a tinge of want and fondness to every single detail of the younger's relaxed features and peaceful expression. He engraves in his mind the sight in front of him, of Changmin before, of Changmin when it all changed, of Changmin still unaware of what he triggered with his repeated attempts to reach him.
I won't hurt you, I promise I won't hurt you. But you have to let me try and you have to try in return.
You have to let me hope and burn, and if I burn till there's nothing left of me, you have to stay and say it's okay and hope in my place.
You have to let me give you everything, and if it's not enough, you have to let me give you everything all over again.
A slight frowns appears on Changmin's face, like if echoing his thoughts, and he shifts lightly, trying to curl up on himself even more. Jaejoong notices only then that the room isn't that warm and after a few more seconds, he forces himself to tear his eyes from the younger man and leaves the bed.
He stands up a bit shakily, his headache making its way back to the front of his conscience and his abused limbs screaming after yesterday's forceful walk. Jaejoong takes a few seconds to make sure his legs won't give in under him and makes his way to the room's wardrobe, grabbing a blanket in there.
He comes back near the bed as quietly as he can and arranges the sheet around Changmin a bit clumsily, careful not to wake him up. He waits till the younger man relaxes again, his own conflicted emotions making him unable to look away for long minutes.
Jaejoong finally looks up and moves from his spot near the bed, searching for his phone to check the time. It's past 10:30am and he knows breakfast is served in the hotel till 11; if his growling stomach is any good indication, Changmin will be starving when he finally wakes up.
He decides to go downstairs and grab whatever food he can to bring back here for the two of them, unwilling to arouse the younger man from his well needed sleep and even more reluctant to let him leave his bed. He allows himself a few more seconds of staring before crossing the room, quietly closing the door behind him and heading towards the breakfast room, as fast as he can.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Changmin's dream, he's embracing Jaejoong.
It's the same feelings as before, the same need to show his care and love, the same fear that it's not enough and that the other may leave. The older man is shaking violently and no matter how tight his arms are around the trembling body, Changmin can't bring him to calm down. The tighter Jaejoong holds him, the colder it feels, and there's something terribly wrong but he can't pinpoint what it is.
He represses a whine when the older man's fingers dig into his back with so much strength it's painful, focusing instead on how happy he is to have him in his arms.
It's so cold.
Jaejoong is letting out small noises, and he hates them, Changmin wants to tell him to stop but his voice is frozen, cold like everything else. He still tries to talk but no sound comes out, and he wants to bring a hand to his throat to warm it but he can't detach his arms from the other's frame.
Then Jaejoong makes that sound again and he realizes it's not a cry. It's a laugh, and Changmin freezes.
He understands belatedly that it's not sobs racking through the older man's body but the silent shaking that comes with fits of laughter, and now he wants to push him away and run but Jaejoong's arms are too tight around him, cold and solid like ice.
That's when he realizes that they are not alone and he sees them all. Dongwon, Seunghyun, Suk-Young, the whole team and the people at Kwon and Co too, and his father and sisters, his few friends from school, all of them. Laughing. At him. Their laughs rise into the air in white ties that come to wrap around him, dreadfully cold, and he tries to escape, to get free, but Jaejoong's arms refuse to let him go.
"And to think you seemed so correct, Changmin my friend."
He stops struggling, heart sinking because it's not Jaejoong's voice, it's not, and when he dares to look down he's met with Seol-Bin's scornful mouth and disgusted eyes. That was a trap, all a trap and Changmin wants to cry but it's too cold for the tears to fall.
He's searching the terrifying crowd of mocking faces for any hint of support, for Yoochun, for Jaejoong but he can't find them. They left him, they left him alone because he pushed them away, because he wasn't strong enough and it's so cold without them around to help him get rid of the ties of others' laughter.
"So Changminnie, you didn't think you could run away from me so easily right?"
Seol-Bin is talking, or maybe it's his own mind, he doesn't know. He only knows it's keeping him bound and helpless and that with each new sound of laughter from the others, the cold around him thickens, leaving him powerless. They are handing him over to panic, tied and frozen, and despair is already swallowing him.
He gives up, resigned and crushed, feebly trying to curl on himself to keep the remaining warmth for a long as he can.
It takes him a few minutes to realize that the arms around him are loosening their hold and that the laughs are slowly dying out. He starts breathing more easily and it's not so cold anymore. He still doesn't dare to look around again, afraid that if he does, he won't see the two people he needs the most here.
Warmth makes its way back, gently peeling the cold away until the ties around him melt down, along with Seol-Bin's suffocating hold onto him. Changmin lets that warmth steal the chaotic remnants of colors and shapes, drifting off back to a dreamless sleep, vaguely aware in one far corner of his mind that someone is here to fight the cold for him after all.
Note: Well well well....? XD Ok tbh, I'm even more nervous about this than the precedent chapter :p
Jae's feelings... is it a surprise? ^^ I wanted that abrupt turn at this point of the story, but I still hope it makes sense... Jae didn't suddenly fell in love or realized his feelings, he's known he likes/loves Changmin for a while now (but I couldn't express it well through Jae's POV since he was trying to ignore it :p). He'd have surrendered to it in the end, I guess, but Min witnessing his breakdown and staying kinda "sped up" things... ^__^
Now Jae is one very possessive and uncompromising person when it comes to love, a "all or nothing" way of seeing things, hence the abrupt change now that he decides to trust Min to stay. As for Changmin, there are still some inner devils dormant under the surface uhuhu *giggles* XD
Sorry for long A/N, just wanted to clarify some things... sorry also for not many things happening here, but we're getting to the love part everyone!~ \(^o^)/
Also I'm leaving tomorrow for a week to visit family, next update on Wed/Thurs I think >___> (don't kill meeee *runs*)
Oh, and I finally made that masterpost, all previous chapters can be found here.
As always, thanks for reading/commenting!!! <3
Part 24.