Saudade (Across from you) [Chapter 5]
Chapter: 5/10(?)
Pairings: YooMin, HoMin (bff), Changmin centric.
Rating: G (warning!: bandfic, includes lawsuit)
Genre: Angst, Romance
Summary: Saudade, it is all that is left of you. How many times I pulled you up, like all the times you pulled me up. Everything we've shared. Now you are gone, and I don’t have a word to express my feelings; it is not sadness because you gave me happiness, it is not happiness because you are not with me now.
Early evening, late winter lights peering through low clouds and casting a golden glow over moving waters. Changmin wonders absentmindedly if this is the Han river, making a mental note to check once he’ll be back home. Funny how he could remember the exact place, even though he came here only once and wasn’t exactly paying attention to his surroundings at that time. It was five years ago.
Already five years.
He crouches down, eyes fixed on the river. It’s beautiful, a shimmering reflection of the sky above - white and golden, and grey, cold shades giving this hour a metallic signature. All Changmin sees is black, the one of memories… of a night he never forgot. A night that now crystallizes so many maybes, so many unachieved thoughts and unspoken words that he sometimes wonders if he could’ve dreamt it.
It’s the first time he comes here in five years, and Changmin isn’t sure what he’s looking for. Why it is only now… after all this time, after everything he overcame and the many choices he made, why now? Why relive it years later, once it became so confused a memory that every image looks faraway and every fact lost its truth, patched and distorted… Because Changmin can barely admit it, but he so often picked a second of that night, and imagined what it could’ve lead to if he had just… if only…
If only.
‘You always know what I’m feeling, even if I don’t say it…’
Wrong.
He shakes his head. It’s wrong to think of such things. It was wrong back then and it’s worse now. No more excuses. No more closeness. No more daily smiles, touches, and questions. Five years later, they are long gone. Lost. All of it, fallen into the past - but it was the right decision.
So why now?
Why… why does he remember so few, and so much at the same time?
Changmin can’t recall the day, the hour, how long it lasted, if it was cold or warm. He can still feel so clearly the weight of night, and nested deep… deep within, where no one would hear, an erratic heartbeat. The strange quality of silence when it is full of words. The way feelings sometimes curl on themselves and how hard… how terribly hard it is to dare let them unfold.
Changmin couldn’t do it. He used to tell himself he chose not to, but now facing himself five years later, he knows he was just scared. The truth is that he didn’t dare.
Never dared.
Never risked anything.
He can feel his cheeks burn just remembering.
Changmin rises to his feet and goes back to his car, parked near the main road a few meters away. He goes home with ideas in mind that he doesn’t know what to do of. After two hours spent going round in circles and telling himself he can’t, he switches on his computer. It takes a good ten minutes before he finally dares to open his old mail inbox, backtracking a few months.
The last one he got from them was from Jaejoong.
Jaejoong has insisted the most. Always. Surely he’ll never stop insisting. Junsu is maybe too proud or afraid of being hurt, but he rarely writes. It’s true Changmin did nothing to make it easier. And Yoochun… the last thing Yoochun sent was a phone number. It was a year ago. Changmin never called.
So why now… why suddenly turn decisions over, like looking for a way he could’ve missed? Why search for solutions when it’s too late anyway. ‘Too late’ for what, he doesn’t know.
The last fight with Yunho was just one among others; not the worst, far from it. Three days that had them both brooding on their own, and that an evening together was enough to fix. It was nothing. Changmin has no idea why it ended up triggering this… reminiscing, travelling back in time, searching for interstices since all doors are now locked.
Something is off.
Something happened inside that shouldn’t have, and Changmin doesn’t want to face it. It’s too complicated. Too painful. Too much for him to handle. He shuts his laptop and closes his eyes, trying to erase words, numbers… coppery lights glittering in cold waters like the sun was drowning there, and still… still some things are too deeply ingrained, too alive to simply disappear. They just change with time.
They take up new shapes and find you again, unprepared and clueless.
Changmin doesn’t say much the next day; quiet, more than usual. He says he’s tired and everyone buys it - everyone but Yunho. You can’t lie to Yunho, not for the things that matter.
“Everything’s alright?”, the older man asks quietly, in the middle of the recording for a music show.
Changmin doesn’t answer at once, feeling a little uneasy. Guilty, already, and he can’t explain. He feels lost… feels unsure like he hasn’t in months. He hates the feeling, as if everything abruptly shifted around him and somehow he needs to redo it all. He doesn’t want to go through that again.
“Changmin?”
He swallows with an effort, meeting Yunho’s gaze. Changmin could smile then; he could say ‘sorry, I was thinking about something’. Instead he lets uncertainty reach his eyes. An unavowed doubt, hesitations he’s too ashamed to voice and too lost to overcome on his own. He lets Yunho catch a glimpse of his heart, confusion and remorse, and regrets.
Yunho stares for a few seconds, before nodding to himself.
“Can we take a break?”, he then asks out loud, “five minutes?”
The PD nods after a few words with their manager, and Yunho stands up from the floor where they’re both sitting. His hand brushes against his arm as he walks by him, wordlessly telling him to follow. Changmin goes after him, nervous yet relieved because Yunho will make it right again… of course, he will. He always does, right?
“There’s something you want to tell me?”, the older man asks once they are alone, serious yet kind. Not the same kindness as when Changmin was 16, but kind all the same. There are times when he wonders how the three others can possibly go on without this.
The steadiness of a firm gaze, sometimes dark or disapproving, hard at worst, but always… always with warmth beneath. Changmin doesn’t know where they could find confidence stronger than this, before suddenly realizing that he’s back thinking about things he shouldn’t.
He averts his eyes, nibbling on his lower lip.
“Look at me.”
Now it feels like he’s 16 again. Changmin briefly meets Yunho’s eyes then looks away, shaking his head because he doesn’t know what to say. Maybe he’s just scared of where that talk could lead them, straight into feelings he doesn’t allow himself to feel and memories he tried so hard to erase.
“…When you’re ready?”, Yunho suggests after a long silence. It’s not a question though.
“Yeah…”, Changmin nods, feeling strangely frustrated, aware that this is just another escape door. It’s good that Yunho knows him, he thinks as the older man smiles comfortingly. It’s good that if Yunho sometimes judges what Changmin does, he never judged who Changmin is.
“Just one thing…”, the older man says as they go back to recording, his left hand on Changmin’s shoulder, a simple touch that looks like nothing but actually means so much, “whatever is bothering you, chances are high it’s something that bothered me before. Just so you know.”
It’s good Yunho not only knows what Changmin doesn’t say, but also what Changmin needs to hear.
He watches him out of the corner of his eye as they get ready for the next take, thinking that Yunho has come a long way too. It’s the kind of moment when he isn’t sure if he should tell him ‘sorry’ or ‘thank you’. Changmin is bad at saying those things anyway, but maybe it’s better like this.
Sometimes words only spoil what silence would keep whole.
Sometimes Changmin regrets having left things unsaid.
There’s nothing worse than half-uttered feelings; too defined to be pushed aside, too vague to bring closure. It’s all the more frustrating when it was really only a matter of saying it, since he’s sure he knew - Yoochun knew.
Probably, Yoochun knew before Changmin himself could grasp his own feelings. Certainly.
He can feel his cheeks burn just remembering.
The convenient store, a few blocks away from their place. Empty streets, late evening. One week left till they wrap up their fourth album promotions in South Korea before going to Japan. Their schedule so packed it was a miracle a sympathetic soul had remembered they still needed to eat and sleep.
Awards and rewards, far-off dreams coming true one after the other. Also, an immense wall that seemed to grow taller with every step they took, and already the distinct feeling that even after this, from now on they’d be expected to do more. Though it was the least of Changmin’s worries right now.
He was more concerned about the way Yoochun’s hand gripped his wrist so tight it hurt, and the unconcealed fury storming in the other’s eyes as he dragged him along on the way back from the store. Changmin would have protested. He’d have stopped; he’d have made Yoochun calm down before they got back home, thus preventing the row that he knew was coming, but his mind was stuck on what had just happened.
He hated that it still affected him so easily.
Changmin found himself wishing the ground would open and swallow him up as Yoochun marched into the apartment, still gripping his wrist, closing the door so loudly the others were here in a matter of seconds.
“What’s wrong??”, Jaejoong immediately asked, looking back and forth between the two of them apprehensively. Already, Junsu was making that face, the one that meant he knew a storm was coming and oh, he’d give anything to be somewhere else right now. Much like Changmin, actually.
He shook his arm tentatively, to no avail. Yoochun wasn’t letting go; he was staring at Yunho, a challenging look that was becoming more and more frequent those days. Yet Yoochun rarely stirred trouble up before, only when he felt pushed into a corner. But that was before.
And Yunho was already on the defensive, frowning, body stiff and tense.
“Did something happen?”
“Yeah something happened”, Yoochun hissed, pulling at his arm a little like to make his point clear. Changmin bit down on his lower lip, hating to be in the middle of this.
“It was nothing…”, he started, but stopped talking at once. Just the way he said that had betrayed him. The four others knew him too well.
He still did his best to look alright while Yoochun told them what happened in the store, his voice shaking with repressed anger when he reached the part where she’d hit Changmin.
“She hit him?!”
Jaejoong immediately came forward, scanning his body up and down. Junsu’s eyes widened while Yunho’s frown deepened, and this time Changmin did feel annoyed because he was after all 21 - 22 in a few weeks only. Sasaengs, antis or whatever, he could do without the others fussing over him like a bunch of nannies over a freaking toddler.
“It’s nothing”, he said louder, his voice steady this time, “I was surprised, that’s all.”
That’s all.
Well. Thank God Yoochun didn’t hear what she’d said, Changmin thought to himself. That actually shook him - a little, he mentally berated himself… just a little, but it was too late already. He couldn’t repress a shiver. He knew Yoochun had noticed when the other threw him a look; one of those knowing stares, reproachful yet concerned. Still gripping his wrist. Dark irises spelling too many things for Changmin to try and read them. He looked away, and met Yunho’s eyes.
“Are you hurt somewhere…?”, the leader asked cautiously, “you’ve to tell us if-“
“I’m fine.”
“Are you sure?”
Changmin saw Yoochun open his mouth and quickly answered, this time successfully freeing his arm from the other’s hold.
“Yes I’m sure. It’s fine. Really.”
He refrained from adding something along the lines of ‘Yoochun overreacted’. Not a good idea, not when Changmin saw him this close to hit that girl earlier.
“…Alright”, Yunho answered slowly, though he looked only half-convinced, “if you’re okay then-“
“He is not okay.”
Changmin gritted his teeth, inwardly wishing that no matter what problems Yoochun had those days with Yunho or the company or whatever it was, he wouldn’t use him as an expedient.
“She hit him Yunho! In the middle of a store! With people around and-“
“And what, Yoochun?”
Just a look at Yunho’s face, and Changmin knew he was getting fed up at last. It was at least the fourth time this week that Yoochun was trying to start a fight with him, and as much patience as Yunho had, he was also as weary as the rest of them - if not more.
“You want me to ask management for constant protection…?”, Yunho took a step toward Yoochun, his voice dangerously low, “bodyguards round-the-clock, no one comes close, that’s what you want?”
“Maybe that’d be a good idea yeah”, Yoochun retorted, eyes narrowing, using that sarcastic tone that never bode well, “they’ve got enough money for that seeing how they milk us and-“
“Don’t go there.”
“Why not?!”, Yoochun snapped, his voice going up a few notches, “why not talk about it?? Oh! Maybe we’d better wait till something really happens, right?! Then they’d have a good reason to do something!!”
“Nothing hap-“
“Just look at him damnit!!”
Changmin never wished he could just disappear as much as now, standing between Yunho and Yoochun like the buffer zone in a battlefield - the former closed and cold, the latter pale with anger, pointing at him like to make sure there’d be no doubt as to who was to blame for the commotion.
“It could’ve been a knife in her hand!!”, Yoochun shouted then, and Changmin closed his eyes, something icy dropping low in his stomach, “you know it! You know they’d go that far!! What will you say when it’ll come to that?! That it never happened before??!”
Changmin could feel the blood leave his face with every word the other said. He was a bit weak in the knees. A bit nauseous. A bit cold. A bit of a lot of things and none was particularly nice.
He felt a touch on his arm and opened his eyes.
Junsu was on his right, looking at him worriedly. Changmin went for a small smile, thankful for the warm one he got in return. On either side of him Yoochun and Yunho were now arguing violently, managing the feat of ignoring him completely while making this all about him. A glance at Jaejoong told him the older man understood Yunho but agreed with Yoochun, and though he wanted to stop it, he knew like them that now the best thing to do was not to get involved.
Then Yoochun suddenly turned away and walked out in the middle of Yunho’s angry tirade about respect and limits - probably retreating to the balcony. Jaejoong made a move to go after him but a look from Yunho stopped him.
“Let him be”, he said, his voice still harsh, “this time he went too far.”
“You know he’s right…”, Jaejoong frowned, “and not just the part about sasaengs.”
“So it’s your turn now”, Yunho said curtly, stiffening at once, “great. But if you’ve got something to say go ahead, looks like tonight is the time.”
Jaejoong tensed visibly. That was unfair and not like Yunho at all, and just as Changmin could see a second round looming, this time between the two oldest, he felt Junsu’s hand press more firmly against his arm, as if to encourage him. Then the young man walked away and went to Jaejoong, taking his arm and leading him out of the room before he could answer Yunho.
“Not now hyung”, Changmin heard him say quietly, “you know it won’t…”
The rest got lost as Junsu closed the door behind them, and suddenly it was silent. Changmin was still upset, angry at himself but also at Yoochun. He didn’t need this. They didn’t need this, not when it felt like half of the world had their eyes on them, and there had never been as little room for mistakes as now. Then Yunho let out a shaky sigh and threaded a hand through his hair tiredly, giving him a forced smile.
“Sorry about that”, he said, still tense but Changmin could tell he was trying to sound comforting. “I don’t know what’s wrong with him recently…”
Changmin shook his head, a lump in his throat. He didn’t want Yunho to blame Yoochun, didn’t want him to blame himself and didn’t want to be the reason for this. It was too late already, for all three.
“You are fine, right?”, Yunho asked again more insistently, like finally allowing himself to show concern now that it was just the two of them, “I mean… you know you can tell me if there’s something…”
Changmin nodded, silent. There was no way in hell he’d tell him what that girl had said - a few whispered words as she walked past him while he was going down the stairs, before she suddenly pushed him, making him lose his balance. He’d have fallen if Yoochun hadn’t reacted so quickly.
Yoochun.
“…Let me go talk to him”, Changmin said softly. He didn’t need to say who he was talking about, looking straight into Yunho’s eyes. “He’s worried, that’s all, he-“
“There are things I won’t let any of you say here”, Yunho cut him, “he went too far, Changmin. He knows it. He was doing this on purpose.”
“It won’t solve anything if we leave him alone”, Changmin argued, changing the approach, “he won’t sleep. He’ll brood all night and it’ll be worse tomorrow.”
He knew at once the argument hit home. Now looking at him up close, Yunho was positively exhausted. Surely, the perspective of going through tomorrow’s schedule with a sullen Yoochun in tow was something he’d gladly avoid. When Yoochun didn’t feel like trying, it meant he really didn’t. It was rare, thankfully, and he was too much of a perfectionist to let staff notice, but that meant the four of them bore the brunt of it all.
‘The four of them’ those days being more like 90% falling to Yunho, the remaining 10% flying off in more or less mean comments for the rest of them.
Without surprise, Yunho nodded in agreement after a few seconds and Changmin turned away to leave, already thinking of how he could possibly fix this.
“Don’t stay up too late”, the older man warned before he left the room, “we’ll be busy tomorrow.”
They were always busy. Not that Changmin complained, but ‘busy’ had a lot to do with the tensions currently breeding between the five of them. Too tired to be patient. Too stressed to make compromises. No time to talk about it and yet, with all the good things happening around them recently, how on earth were they supposed to resent it?
He hoped going to Japan would help. They wouldn’t be any less busy there, but the change of environment would be good.
He hoped.
Changmin found Yoochun on the balcony, just as he expected.
The older man was leaning on the wall, puffing on a cigarette - the third one, judging by the butts lining on the ledge. He didn’t look at him when he arrived and Changmin remained silent as he closed the door behind him. It was chilly outside, but that felt rather good. He breathed in deeply, relieved that at least, Yoochun wasn’t telling him to leave.
He didn’t talk at first, staring down at his hands and wondering where to start. It was never easy with Yoochun. Well, that kind of thing was easy with no one, but Yoochun especially…
Changmin swallowed, chancing a glance at the other. He really wanted to snatch the cigarette from his hands. Right now priorities were elsewhere though; no need in bringing forth yet another issue. He cleared his throat but Yoochun ignored him, gaze resolutely fixed on a distant point somewhere in the dark night sky. He still looked angry, though Changmin knew it wasn’t at him. Which didn’t mean all was fine, far from it.
“You shouldn’t have talked to Yunho like this”, he finally ventured after long minutes of silence. Not the smoothest way to go but it wasn’t like him to beat about the bush. And he just had to say this, if only because he was the only one Yoochun would listen to at the moment.
“It was none of his fault”, Changmin added, keeping his eyes on the other and not intending to back away, no matter what reaction he’d get, “it was unfair, blaming him for it.”
“Maybe. But there are some things Yunho needed to hear anyway.”
Yoochun still wasn’t looking at him, expression hard, nervously playing with the cigarette in his hand.
“You know it’s hard on him those days”, Changmin retorted, “he’s always-“
“What I know is that he needs to get his priorities straight”, Yoochun finally turned his head to look at him, though it was too dark for Changmin to make out his features clearly, “it’s either us, or the company. Right now it can’t be both.”
“Right now we shouldn’t make things more complicated than they already are.”
Yoochun made a funny noise at the back of his throat, like he’d expected him to say that. Still, he didn’t sound that angry anymore. He moved away from the wall and came in front of him, looking straight into his eyes. Silent.
Staring.
“You know Changmin-ah…”
He repressed a shiver. That was too quiet. Too soft. Too mellow a way to say his name, like Yoochun could convey everything in a single word just giving his voice that unsettling edge - both caring and intriguing.
Will you dare? Because I will.
“You’ve got to learn to go against what Yunho says sometimes.”
“I-“
“Else he’ll become a complete control freak”, Yoochun didn’t let him answer, stubbing out his cigarette on the ledge of the balcony, ”then you can only blame yourself.”
Changmin didn’t mind Yunho being a complete control freak.
He minded the weariness in the leader’s eyes at times, when he thought no one was looking. There was a lot Yunho didn’t tell them, a lot he negotiated behind closed doors - holidays and breaks, activities they could take up and others they would not, drawing lines, and in the middle of all this, attempting to convey their own wishes and ideas.
Now expectations concerning the five of them were so high it was getting harder and harder to try and go another way than what the company imposed. But now Yunho was also more of a leader, and less of a spokesperson. When he said ‘no’, when he suggested things, management listened. It wasn’t easy and in return, Yunho expected the four of them to do as he told them. Changmin thought it was only fair, but Yoochun obviously didn’t quite agree.
“Never mind…”, the older one muttered then, drawing him out of his thoughts.
Changmin only had the time to wonder why he’d drop the matter so suddenly before Yoochun walked away, passing in front of him without so much as a glance. By the time he reacted, the other was already back inside. When he caught up with him Yoochun was at the front door, visibly intending to go out.
“You can’t…”, Changmin’s voice trailed off. He supposed mentioning Yunho now wouldn’t be a good idea. Yoochun understood what he’d been about to say though, judging by the look he threw him.
“I can’t what?”, he asked, looking more amused than upset.
“Nothing...”
“Come with me then?”
Yoochun already had his shoes on. He was looking at him with a question in his eyes - will you dare?
…Will you dare?
Changmin stared back. Clearly, that wasn’t a good idea. But leaving Yoochun alone tonight wasn’t a good idea either, he reflected, and after quickly apologizing to Yunho in his head, he came forward and put his shoes on as well. Yoochun didn’t make any comment - for which he was thankful -, merely opening the front door and moving aside to let him pass.
Changmin followed him to the parking lot without a word. He got inside the car, a funny feeling of anticipation stirring low in his stomach when the other started the engine. That was the kind of thing Yoochun and Jaejoong did, not him. Not Yoochun and him.
No. What they did was ninja-rampage the fridge in the middle of the night, try to get Junsu drunk, hide Yunho’s phone in the weirdest places, or compete about who’d manage to squeeze the most unseemly Japanese words in interviews. Much like when they’d just debuted. Still stuck in a pattern that was blatantly unsatisfactory for them both.
They did have their moments though.
More than once they’d ended up alone… more than once Yoochun had tried and Changmin had stopped it, since one of them had to. It was as simple as that: something that couldn’t - wouldn’t - be, because this was real life and real life meant you had to sort the countless desires tossing a human heart. Real life meant you had to choose dreams.
Real life was far far far from Changmin’s mind at that exact moment.
“Where are we going?”, he asked once he’d studied the short list of destinations that’d come to his mind, and discarded each possibility one after the other. He didn’t really care, to be honest. It was just too quiet.
“You’ll see.”
Changmin could think of nothing else to ask and Yoochun obviously didn’t feel like talking. They didn’t say a word for the rest of the trip.
The atmosphere was still tense, but not the same as earlier; troubling, rather than stressful. Expectant. Soon, silence was gathering everything unsaid on the brink of his mind and it wasn’t long before Changmin found himself facing thoughts he was having more and more trouble ignoring as time passed. He always did his best to hide that small fact from Yoochun.
Now however, he couldn’t - not while Yoochun was here, the two of them alone in the middle of the night, after a talk that wasn’t quite personal but still… still, Changmin thought with a pang in his heart, it was special. Privileged. Different.
He fought a surge of warmth that dangerously felt like hope and turned away to look out the window. It was ridiculous, how much he still wanted to hold a special place in Yoochun’s eyes - heart… heart, part of him corrected; the part that had stopped running away. The part of Changmin that had started feeling and wanted to feel more.
Heart.
Changmin was trying hard to ignore his own but tonight, all he could think of was how close Yoochun was. How silent he was. How angry he’d been earlier. How he had stared again.
Now they were making a huge mistake. That much was clear, but Changmin couldn’t get rid of the impression that something was going to happen tonight. And he was aware the idea alone would maybe prompt him to act in ways he’d never normally consider.
By the time Yoochun stopped the car, Changmin’s thoughts were a thousand miles away from the evening events.
Blood was pounding at his temples. His palms were sweaty. It was quiet, too quiet without the background murmur of the car’s engine. He could hear every breath, be it Yoochun’s or his own. He felt nervous like a teenager during a first date, and the image made him grimace. It was ridiculous… all of it. Whatever was going on between them it wasn’t worth so much confusion, and Changmin obliged himself to look at Yoochun.
Another mistake.
The eyes looking back at him weren’t hard to read, this time around. No. Quite the opposite.
Changmin’s heart plummeted and he hastily looked away, trying to focus on what he could see of the surroundings, partly revealed in the halo cast by the car’s headlights. There were a few trees near, and several meters ahead, what seemed to be water - a river, a pond maybe. There wasn’t any building around. Somewhere remote, but not too far from Seoul. Probably the kind of place where Yoochun found shelter when he went out and told no one.
“Where are we?”, Changmin asked at last, attempting to sound casual. He was looking anywhere but at the other, trying hard not to think about the reasons why he’d bring him to such a place.
“Does it matter?”
Apprehension instantly shot up, something in the older one’s voice making his chest tighten. Clearly, Yoochun wouldn’t bother with pretence tonight. Like the heap of silences between them had finally become too heavy to be still bearable.
“You tell me if it matters”, Changmin answered, nervously wiping his palms on his pants, “it was just a question…”
“That’s where I deal with sasaengs.”
“…what?”
“I lure them here. Dark place. Scary. It’s very convenient.”
“…”
“No one hears when they scream.”
“Yoochun...”
“Then I throw the bodies in the river and it-“
“Yoochun.”
Changmin couldn’t help but smile. He turned to look at the other, the knot in his heart loosening as he met amused eyes.
“You asked.”
“It’s not funny.”
“But you’re smiling.”
Suddenly the older man’s tone was serious again, far from its previous lightness as he sat sideways on the car seat, facing him. The next thing he knew, Yoochun was staring once again. Then he talked and Changmin’s heart dropped - the veiled echo of a fall without end.
“I like it when you smile.”
There.
There, he knew at once.
It was happening. And he wasn’t ready for this, Changmin realized with a pang of panic. He wasn’t… would never be, but even as he was clinging onto that last thought, inside his heart was hammering. Feelings were hammering, feverishly forging words he didn’t want to say.
“…It’s weird… you suddenly saying things like that”, he managed weakly, his voice wrung by silence. The world had narrowed to Yoochun’s eyes and in them, what Changmin didn’t know if he wanted to see.
“Then tell me something you like too…”, Yoochun leaned forward, head tilted to the side, voice low, “something you like about me.”
There was no safe answer for this.
Changmin swallowed, throat tight. Heart tight, and fists clenched tight, his whole body tensed and all senses focused on Yoochun. Also dangerously tempted to give in to the thrill of the game. Because it was a game, still, though not for much longer now. Changmin could try and look away from the truth as many times as he wished, that little something wrong between them now ran far too deep.
And it had been repressed for too long.
“I like…”
He had no idea what he was saying. Yoochun was too close… not close enough. Too far for Changmin to feel the warmth of him, the scent of him, the enveloping knowledge that the older man was here, looking at him, at him only… at Changmin alone and yes, it was special. So small, the distance between their closed hands. So strong, the urge to undo bounds.
He felt breathless. He felt his heart press tight around every other part of him, erasing everything that didn’t have Yoochun in it.
“I like that you always know what I’m feeling”, he said, barely registering his own words as he unconsciously remembered what’d happened earlier that evening, “even if I don’t say it…”
The double-meaning of that last sentence hit him too late. Simultaneously, Changmin realized his gaze had gone from Yoochun’s eyes to his lips, and that the other would indeed have no problem understanding what was going on in his head. He felt blood rush to his face but wasn’t given the time to worry about that.
“I like it when you speak your mind.”
Yoochun was smiling. A bit of an enigma. A lot of a challenge, poised temptingly on his lips and at the edge of his voice, giving Changmin so much more than what words alone seemed to tell.
He refused to take the bait, and settled for something safe enough.
“I like the songs you write.”
“I like when you sing them.”
Changmin heard his own sharp intake of air shake silence. Before he could grasp how low Yoochun’s voice had dropped, purposefully quiet and full, charged with explicit intentions and feelings, he felt a touch on the back of his hand. He looked down in time to see fingers wrap around his.
“I’ve always liked your voice…”
Yoochun’s words, he thought… Yoochun’s voice was black. Like the night around them. Like the color of his eyes, darkness too rich to be hollow, shadows twisting around silences, intertwined within feelings. Eager, greedy, yet soft and warm, and reassuring, just like the hand now taking Changmin’s hand and pulling it closer, gently opening his tightly clenched fingers, one after the other. As if unwrapping a secret…
“You’re always so quiet but when you sing, Changmin…”
A secret that was never really one. A cheap curtain of fumes, ramparts made of mirages. As empty as his hand before Yoochun took it.
“…when you sing, I swear I hear nothing but you.”
Changmin blinked when fingers touched his face. He looked up, unable to repress a small shiver and wondering when Yoochun had come so close. When the night had become so still. When the feel of their linked hands had turned unsatisfactory… way too small of a touch, while his skin was warming everywhere Yoochun’s fingers touched his face, barely there caresses that left him craving for something real, whole and embracing.
“What do we do now, Changmin-ah?”
Will you dare...
“Tell me… what do we do?”, Yoochun whispered. Changmin could’ve sworn it was in his head only, because Yoochun’s lips weren’t moving at all. Waiting. Staring. Still staring, now holding onto his hand tightly as fingers trailed down the left side of his face, stopping an inch too close to his mouth. An inch too far.
Waiting.
All Changmin had to do was close his eyes. And you won’t know unless you’ve lived it, he thought… you won’t know how your whole life can fuse and fade within a mere moment, when that moment holds a different future in its palm and asks if you want to take that chance.
All Changmin had to do was stay still, and let Yoochun shatter silences, shatter pretence, shatter every wall and every lie and take what was inside. His heart was pounding. He could feel his cheeks burn. Too warm, Yoochun’s hands and his eyes, his words, and the feelings so clearly outlined by five years’ worth of aborted looks and gestures. Ablaze, the violent strength of a desire that knew it was on the verge of being let free, a heartbeat away from release.
All Changmin had to do was close his eyes, and wait.
He engraved every feeling in his memory; every touch, every shade. He looked once more into Yoochun’s eyes hoping to steal a little of their warmth. He squeezed the older man’s fingers tight, once, and pulled away.
He averted his eyes. He let go of Yoochun’s hand, turned away from him, and listened as silence unfolded - outside, inside. Dull. Dead.
He wanted to cry.
Changmin held back tears because next to him Yoochun had gone very still. He could tell without even looking at him. He could hear the way the other’s breathing had quickened. Selfishly, he was relieved he didn’t have to look at his face now, though he knew he was taking the right decision. One of them simply had to do this, since this was real life, and some things couldn’t be.
Changmin ignored the part of him that wanted Yoochun to grab his arm, bring him close and give him no other choice than try and live that thing between them. He ignored the way his heart protested, the burning feel of the too many tears pressing behind his closed eyelids - tears he wouldn’t let free.
Far, far away from him, he heard Yoochun start the car again.
It felt like ten seconds had passed when they stopped. Changmin opened his eyes and recognized the street in front of their building.
He still couldn’t look at Yoochun, staring down at his hands, unable to erase the ghost touch of fingers holding his. Desperately clinging onto the knowledge that there was no other way… that it was cruel, regretful, heartbreaking, and every crushed feeling you’d like to squeeze here, but it was the only way… it-
“Get off.”
He stiffened, caught off-guard by the rough edge in Yoochun’s voice. Then again, he should’ve expected it.
Changmin still couldn’t look his way and reached for the door handle, aware that there were things he should be saying now since there would not be another chance. But he couldn’t find the words. He knew he had reasons - logical, rational, unshakable ones - and he also knew each one of them would sound cowardly at this moment.
Changmin left the car feeling much like he was running away. He was barely out that Yoochun started again, and the car’s red backlights had disappeared at the corner of the street before he even reached the building’s door.
He climbed the stairs slowly; disoriented, numb, his mind a mess of confused images as what had just happened was already mixing with earlier events - the convenient store, whispers in his ear, the argument, Yunho’s anger, and Yoochun… Yoochun.
Changmin stopped on the doorstep, eyes closed, making sure that no tear would come out. It was too soon for the realization of what had just happened to sink in, and it felt like his heart was waiting, resignedly trying to ready itself for the pain to come - a blow he wouldn’t avoid, even if he could. He was thinking, breathing in another world, and could barely feel the cold metal of the handle or the hard surface of the key in his hand when he opened the door. He came in, removed his shoes. He didn’t hear footsteps coming near.
When he stood up Jaejoong was here, looking at him questioningly.
“Where is Yoochun?”
“He left…”
“Where?”
Changmin didn’t know if it was in his head or if Jaejoong sounded colder than usual. He didn’t know. Suddenly he was tired, didn’t want to think… what if, why not, will you dare? He said nothing, and merely moved aside when Jaejoong walked past him and started putting his shoes on.
“…I don’t know where he went”, Changmin managed, looking at the other and realizing at last that if leaving Yoochun alone had seemed like a bad idea earlier, it was at least ten times worse now.
“Well I think I know”, Jaejoong muttered, grabbing his keys on the table near the door. “I’ll deal with it. Just don’t tell Yunho I went out, I don’t want to have to explain myself about this later.”
The older man was gone before Changmin could answer. The only clear idea on his mind was that Jaejoong knew where Yoochun was, and that he didn’t. It was stupid. So stupid he’d laugh if it didn’t feel as if there was a sob stuck somewhere in his throat, only waiting for a chance to come out.
He walked to the bedroom he shared with Junsu, thinking of nothing but the safe shelter of his bed. He already had his hand on the handle when he heard the other’s voice inside, talking loud and laughing, probably on phone with his brother. They could go on like this for hours.
Right now Changmin needed silence.
He turned away. The next moment he was knocking at Yunho’s door, where his steps had led instinctively him because there it was quiet. Comforting.
More or less consciously, Changmin thought that if Yunho knew, he’d say that yes, it’d been the right decision earlier. He’d say it was alright. He’d say Changmin had done what he had to, and then maybe some of the guilt crushing his heart would go away. He heard the older man say to come in and walked inside without a second thought.
Yunho was at his desk, working. A look at the clock on the wall told him it was past 1AM already.
“Where is Yoochun?”
He met Yunho’s eyes. The other looked worried and Changmin swallowed, wondering just how much his expression was betraying now.
“…With Jaejoong.”
He didn’t tell him they were both out, but it wasn’t a lie either. He didn’t want to lie to Yunho. And he didn’t want the two others to get in trouble because of him - especially Yoochun.
He didn’t want to think about Yoochun.
“What are you doing?”, Changmin asked in a lame attempt to change the topic, blinking fast to push back the tears pooling in his eyes. He didn’t think Yunho was fooled but the older man was kind enough to pretend not to notice.
“Demos for our next album”, he waved toward the papers and the mp3 player on the desk, “they want us to pre-record a few songs before we leave for Japan.”
“A few?”
“Ok, all of them”, Yunho smiled tiredly, “I told them that wouldn’t be possible though. Unless you feel ready to wake up at 4 every day this week.”
Changmin scrunched his nose and Yunho’s smile widened, now more sincere.
“They told me to choose four”, he explained, leaning back in his chair and stretching his arms above his head, “I wanted to talk about it with everyone tonight but…”
Yunho’s voice trailed off. He shrugged, and just like this Changmin had one more reason to feel bad.
“You need help…?”, he offered before he could stop himself. To be honest there was little he could do in his current state, but it’d be a welcome distraction. His heart felt awfully tight and heavy; all he wanted now was to forget why… forget long enough for the pain to subside.
“I need you to sleep”, Yunho said however, looking at him more closely and visibly not pleased by what he was seeing, “you look terrible.”
Changmin didn’t bother denying it.
“Junsu is talking to Junho and he’s loud”, he said, trying to make it sound like casual whining as he came closer, peering at the papers spread in front of the older man. “…’Maximum’?”
“You’ll like this one”, Yunho nodded, “Junsu as well. Jaejoong not so much.”
“Dance track?”
The older man nodded again and Changmin made a face, making Yunho chuckle.
“It’s nice, really”, he insisted before taking another look at him, this time frowning slightly, “seriously now, you must sleep.”
“I-“
“You can take my bed.”
“But-“
“And I’ll kick you out the minute Junsu is done talking to his brother, don’t worry.”
In other circumstances, Changmin would’ve argued. As it was, he was all too relieved to obey and didn’t need to be told twice. He was in Yunho’s bed the moment that followed - never mind that he was still fully clothed and the sheets were all rumpled because the older man never bothered to make his bed in the morning. He pulled the covers high with only his eyes peaking out, knowing that sleep would wash through him in a matter of minutes, in spite of everything.
It smelled like Yunho, he thought. He could hear the older man hum quietly as he went back to work, his back on him, partially blocking the lights from the desk lamp.
Changmin tried hard to focus on this, on Yunho, and Japan, next albums or the coming tour, but still… still, mere seconds later, the first tears came out. He pulled the covers above his head, eyes shut tight. He held back a sob, biting hard on his lower lip to make sure he wouldn’t make a sound.
He felt pathetic.
There was nothing to cry for… nothing he was allowed to complain about, because nothing had even happened, and Changmin himself had made it that way.
It would end here, like this, quietly and unknowingly to everyone. And somehow, it seemed unfair. As if those feelings he was now going to erase had deserved better than secrecy and denial. Changmin found a little relief in the way tears flooded his face, thinking that at least, something about them had been true - at least that unborn emotion between Yoochun and him wasn’t fake.
It was impossible. Merely impossible - right now he had forgotten why, but he’d remember, eventually.
Changmin would remember why it could not happen, and then feel relieved that he’d found the strength to turn away from it. The hardest part was behind him. Tears were just tears, vain yet needed, and he let them all flow freely, as if hoping they’d carry out with them some of the foolish hopes he’d wasted so much time nursing within his heart.
Still, the last thing on his mind when sleep finally claimed him was the memory of a deep voice and warm words, and a hand holding his.
A memory, already.
Nothing more.
Inside though… in his chest a lasting ache was born. The one left by those heartbeats you only get to feel once in your life, and that never stop resounding.
Note: don't kill me please........... I had to do this.... *grabs laptop and runs away* >____> (kill Min instead, he's the baka one...)
Well, I guess this is frustrating on many levels (mianhaeee) but hey, five years later Min is well on his trip down memory lane, and this time it might lead him somewhere, who knows...? ^__^"
Also, I have been quite busy the past week and will be in the days to come, so I'm not sure I can update next Friday. We'll see~
Hope you enjoyed the read! :)
Pairings: YooMin, HoMin (bff), Changmin centric.
Rating: G (warning!: bandfic, includes lawsuit)
Genre: Angst, Romance
Summary: Saudade, it is all that is left of you. How many times I pulled you up, like all the times you pulled me up. Everything we've shared. Now you are gone, and I don’t have a word to express my feelings; it is not sadness because you gave me happiness, it is not happiness because you are not with me now.
Early evening, late winter lights peering through low clouds and casting a golden glow over moving waters. Changmin wonders absentmindedly if this is the Han river, making a mental note to check once he’ll be back home. Funny how he could remember the exact place, even though he came here only once and wasn’t exactly paying attention to his surroundings at that time. It was five years ago.
Already five years.
He crouches down, eyes fixed on the river. It’s beautiful, a shimmering reflection of the sky above - white and golden, and grey, cold shades giving this hour a metallic signature. All Changmin sees is black, the one of memories… of a night he never forgot. A night that now crystallizes so many maybes, so many unachieved thoughts and unspoken words that he sometimes wonders if he could’ve dreamt it.
It’s the first time he comes here in five years, and Changmin isn’t sure what he’s looking for. Why it is only now… after all this time, after everything he overcame and the many choices he made, why now? Why relive it years later, once it became so confused a memory that every image looks faraway and every fact lost its truth, patched and distorted… Because Changmin can barely admit it, but he so often picked a second of that night, and imagined what it could’ve lead to if he had just… if only…
If only.
‘You always know what I’m feeling, even if I don’t say it…’
Wrong.
He shakes his head. It’s wrong to think of such things. It was wrong back then and it’s worse now. No more excuses. No more closeness. No more daily smiles, touches, and questions. Five years later, they are long gone. Lost. All of it, fallen into the past - but it was the right decision.
So why now?
Why… why does he remember so few, and so much at the same time?
Changmin can’t recall the day, the hour, how long it lasted, if it was cold or warm. He can still feel so clearly the weight of night, and nested deep… deep within, where no one would hear, an erratic heartbeat. The strange quality of silence when it is full of words. The way feelings sometimes curl on themselves and how hard… how terribly hard it is to dare let them unfold.
Changmin couldn’t do it. He used to tell himself he chose not to, but now facing himself five years later, he knows he was just scared. The truth is that he didn’t dare.
Never dared.
Never risked anything.
He can feel his cheeks burn just remembering.
Changmin rises to his feet and goes back to his car, parked near the main road a few meters away. He goes home with ideas in mind that he doesn’t know what to do of. After two hours spent going round in circles and telling himself he can’t, he switches on his computer. It takes a good ten minutes before he finally dares to open his old mail inbox, backtracking a few months.
The last one he got from them was from Jaejoong.
Jaejoong has insisted the most. Always. Surely he’ll never stop insisting. Junsu is maybe too proud or afraid of being hurt, but he rarely writes. It’s true Changmin did nothing to make it easier. And Yoochun… the last thing Yoochun sent was a phone number. It was a year ago. Changmin never called.
So why now… why suddenly turn decisions over, like looking for a way he could’ve missed? Why search for solutions when it’s too late anyway. ‘Too late’ for what, he doesn’t know.
The last fight with Yunho was just one among others; not the worst, far from it. Three days that had them both brooding on their own, and that an evening together was enough to fix. It was nothing. Changmin has no idea why it ended up triggering this… reminiscing, travelling back in time, searching for interstices since all doors are now locked.
Something is off.
Something happened inside that shouldn’t have, and Changmin doesn’t want to face it. It’s too complicated. Too painful. Too much for him to handle. He shuts his laptop and closes his eyes, trying to erase words, numbers… coppery lights glittering in cold waters like the sun was drowning there, and still… still some things are too deeply ingrained, too alive to simply disappear. They just change with time.
They take up new shapes and find you again, unprepared and clueless.
Changmin doesn’t say much the next day; quiet, more than usual. He says he’s tired and everyone buys it - everyone but Yunho. You can’t lie to Yunho, not for the things that matter.
“Everything’s alright?”, the older man asks quietly, in the middle of the recording for a music show.
Changmin doesn’t answer at once, feeling a little uneasy. Guilty, already, and he can’t explain. He feels lost… feels unsure like he hasn’t in months. He hates the feeling, as if everything abruptly shifted around him and somehow he needs to redo it all. He doesn’t want to go through that again.
“Changmin?”
He swallows with an effort, meeting Yunho’s gaze. Changmin could smile then; he could say ‘sorry, I was thinking about something’. Instead he lets uncertainty reach his eyes. An unavowed doubt, hesitations he’s too ashamed to voice and too lost to overcome on his own. He lets Yunho catch a glimpse of his heart, confusion and remorse, and regrets.
Yunho stares for a few seconds, before nodding to himself.
“Can we take a break?”, he then asks out loud, “five minutes?”
The PD nods after a few words with their manager, and Yunho stands up from the floor where they’re both sitting. His hand brushes against his arm as he walks by him, wordlessly telling him to follow. Changmin goes after him, nervous yet relieved because Yunho will make it right again… of course, he will. He always does, right?
“There’s something you want to tell me?”, the older man asks once they are alone, serious yet kind. Not the same kindness as when Changmin was 16, but kind all the same. There are times when he wonders how the three others can possibly go on without this.
The steadiness of a firm gaze, sometimes dark or disapproving, hard at worst, but always… always with warmth beneath. Changmin doesn’t know where they could find confidence stronger than this, before suddenly realizing that he’s back thinking about things he shouldn’t.
He averts his eyes, nibbling on his lower lip.
“Look at me.”
Now it feels like he’s 16 again. Changmin briefly meets Yunho’s eyes then looks away, shaking his head because he doesn’t know what to say. Maybe he’s just scared of where that talk could lead them, straight into feelings he doesn’t allow himself to feel and memories he tried so hard to erase.
“…When you’re ready?”, Yunho suggests after a long silence. It’s not a question though.
“Yeah…”, Changmin nods, feeling strangely frustrated, aware that this is just another escape door. It’s good that Yunho knows him, he thinks as the older man smiles comfortingly. It’s good that if Yunho sometimes judges what Changmin does, he never judged who Changmin is.
“Just one thing…”, the older man says as they go back to recording, his left hand on Changmin’s shoulder, a simple touch that looks like nothing but actually means so much, “whatever is bothering you, chances are high it’s something that bothered me before. Just so you know.”
It’s good Yunho not only knows what Changmin doesn’t say, but also what Changmin needs to hear.
He watches him out of the corner of his eye as they get ready for the next take, thinking that Yunho has come a long way too. It’s the kind of moment when he isn’t sure if he should tell him ‘sorry’ or ‘thank you’. Changmin is bad at saying those things anyway, but maybe it’s better like this.
Sometimes words only spoil what silence would keep whole.
Sometimes Changmin regrets having left things unsaid.
There’s nothing worse than half-uttered feelings; too defined to be pushed aside, too vague to bring closure. It’s all the more frustrating when it was really only a matter of saying it, since he’s sure he knew - Yoochun knew.
Probably, Yoochun knew before Changmin himself could grasp his own feelings. Certainly.
He can feel his cheeks burn just remembering.
The convenient store, a few blocks away from their place. Empty streets, late evening. One week left till they wrap up their fourth album promotions in South Korea before going to Japan. Their schedule so packed it was a miracle a sympathetic soul had remembered they still needed to eat and sleep.
Awards and rewards, far-off dreams coming true one after the other. Also, an immense wall that seemed to grow taller with every step they took, and already the distinct feeling that even after this, from now on they’d be expected to do more. Though it was the least of Changmin’s worries right now.
He was more concerned about the way Yoochun’s hand gripped his wrist so tight it hurt, and the unconcealed fury storming in the other’s eyes as he dragged him along on the way back from the store. Changmin would have protested. He’d have stopped; he’d have made Yoochun calm down before they got back home, thus preventing the row that he knew was coming, but his mind was stuck on what had just happened.
He hated that it still affected him so easily.
Changmin found himself wishing the ground would open and swallow him up as Yoochun marched into the apartment, still gripping his wrist, closing the door so loudly the others were here in a matter of seconds.
“What’s wrong??”, Jaejoong immediately asked, looking back and forth between the two of them apprehensively. Already, Junsu was making that face, the one that meant he knew a storm was coming and oh, he’d give anything to be somewhere else right now. Much like Changmin, actually.
He shook his arm tentatively, to no avail. Yoochun wasn’t letting go; he was staring at Yunho, a challenging look that was becoming more and more frequent those days. Yet Yoochun rarely stirred trouble up before, only when he felt pushed into a corner. But that was before.
And Yunho was already on the defensive, frowning, body stiff and tense.
“Did something happen?”
“Yeah something happened”, Yoochun hissed, pulling at his arm a little like to make his point clear. Changmin bit down on his lower lip, hating to be in the middle of this.
“It was nothing…”, he started, but stopped talking at once. Just the way he said that had betrayed him. The four others knew him too well.
He still did his best to look alright while Yoochun told them what happened in the store, his voice shaking with repressed anger when he reached the part where she’d hit Changmin.
“She hit him?!”
Jaejoong immediately came forward, scanning his body up and down. Junsu’s eyes widened while Yunho’s frown deepened, and this time Changmin did feel annoyed because he was after all 21 - 22 in a few weeks only. Sasaengs, antis or whatever, he could do without the others fussing over him like a bunch of nannies over a freaking toddler.
“It’s nothing”, he said louder, his voice steady this time, “I was surprised, that’s all.”
That’s all.
Well. Thank God Yoochun didn’t hear what she’d said, Changmin thought to himself. That actually shook him - a little, he mentally berated himself… just a little, but it was too late already. He couldn’t repress a shiver. He knew Yoochun had noticed when the other threw him a look; one of those knowing stares, reproachful yet concerned. Still gripping his wrist. Dark irises spelling too many things for Changmin to try and read them. He looked away, and met Yunho’s eyes.
“Are you hurt somewhere…?”, the leader asked cautiously, “you’ve to tell us if-“
“I’m fine.”
“Are you sure?”
Changmin saw Yoochun open his mouth and quickly answered, this time successfully freeing his arm from the other’s hold.
“Yes I’m sure. It’s fine. Really.”
He refrained from adding something along the lines of ‘Yoochun overreacted’. Not a good idea, not when Changmin saw him this close to hit that girl earlier.
“…Alright”, Yunho answered slowly, though he looked only half-convinced, “if you’re okay then-“
“He is not okay.”
Changmin gritted his teeth, inwardly wishing that no matter what problems Yoochun had those days with Yunho or the company or whatever it was, he wouldn’t use him as an expedient.
“She hit him Yunho! In the middle of a store! With people around and-“
“And what, Yoochun?”
Just a look at Yunho’s face, and Changmin knew he was getting fed up at last. It was at least the fourth time this week that Yoochun was trying to start a fight with him, and as much patience as Yunho had, he was also as weary as the rest of them - if not more.
“You want me to ask management for constant protection…?”, Yunho took a step toward Yoochun, his voice dangerously low, “bodyguards round-the-clock, no one comes close, that’s what you want?”
“Maybe that’d be a good idea yeah”, Yoochun retorted, eyes narrowing, using that sarcastic tone that never bode well, “they’ve got enough money for that seeing how they milk us and-“
“Don’t go there.”
“Why not?!”, Yoochun snapped, his voice going up a few notches, “why not talk about it?? Oh! Maybe we’d better wait till something really happens, right?! Then they’d have a good reason to do something!!”
“Nothing hap-“
“Just look at him damnit!!”
Changmin never wished he could just disappear as much as now, standing between Yunho and Yoochun like the buffer zone in a battlefield - the former closed and cold, the latter pale with anger, pointing at him like to make sure there’d be no doubt as to who was to blame for the commotion.
“It could’ve been a knife in her hand!!”, Yoochun shouted then, and Changmin closed his eyes, something icy dropping low in his stomach, “you know it! You know they’d go that far!! What will you say when it’ll come to that?! That it never happened before??!”
Changmin could feel the blood leave his face with every word the other said. He was a bit weak in the knees. A bit nauseous. A bit cold. A bit of a lot of things and none was particularly nice.
He felt a touch on his arm and opened his eyes.
Junsu was on his right, looking at him worriedly. Changmin went for a small smile, thankful for the warm one he got in return. On either side of him Yoochun and Yunho were now arguing violently, managing the feat of ignoring him completely while making this all about him. A glance at Jaejoong told him the older man understood Yunho but agreed with Yoochun, and though he wanted to stop it, he knew like them that now the best thing to do was not to get involved.
Then Yoochun suddenly turned away and walked out in the middle of Yunho’s angry tirade about respect and limits - probably retreating to the balcony. Jaejoong made a move to go after him but a look from Yunho stopped him.
“Let him be”, he said, his voice still harsh, “this time he went too far.”
“You know he’s right…”, Jaejoong frowned, “and not just the part about sasaengs.”
“So it’s your turn now”, Yunho said curtly, stiffening at once, “great. But if you’ve got something to say go ahead, looks like tonight is the time.”
Jaejoong tensed visibly. That was unfair and not like Yunho at all, and just as Changmin could see a second round looming, this time between the two oldest, he felt Junsu’s hand press more firmly against his arm, as if to encourage him. Then the young man walked away and went to Jaejoong, taking his arm and leading him out of the room before he could answer Yunho.
“Not now hyung”, Changmin heard him say quietly, “you know it won’t…”
The rest got lost as Junsu closed the door behind them, and suddenly it was silent. Changmin was still upset, angry at himself but also at Yoochun. He didn’t need this. They didn’t need this, not when it felt like half of the world had their eyes on them, and there had never been as little room for mistakes as now. Then Yunho let out a shaky sigh and threaded a hand through his hair tiredly, giving him a forced smile.
“Sorry about that”, he said, still tense but Changmin could tell he was trying to sound comforting. “I don’t know what’s wrong with him recently…”
Changmin shook his head, a lump in his throat. He didn’t want Yunho to blame Yoochun, didn’t want him to blame himself and didn’t want to be the reason for this. It was too late already, for all three.
“You are fine, right?”, Yunho asked again more insistently, like finally allowing himself to show concern now that it was just the two of them, “I mean… you know you can tell me if there’s something…”
Changmin nodded, silent. There was no way in hell he’d tell him what that girl had said - a few whispered words as she walked past him while he was going down the stairs, before she suddenly pushed him, making him lose his balance. He’d have fallen if Yoochun hadn’t reacted so quickly.
Yoochun.
“…Let me go talk to him”, Changmin said softly. He didn’t need to say who he was talking about, looking straight into Yunho’s eyes. “He’s worried, that’s all, he-“
“There are things I won’t let any of you say here”, Yunho cut him, “he went too far, Changmin. He knows it. He was doing this on purpose.”
“It won’t solve anything if we leave him alone”, Changmin argued, changing the approach, “he won’t sleep. He’ll brood all night and it’ll be worse tomorrow.”
He knew at once the argument hit home. Now looking at him up close, Yunho was positively exhausted. Surely, the perspective of going through tomorrow’s schedule with a sullen Yoochun in tow was something he’d gladly avoid. When Yoochun didn’t feel like trying, it meant he really didn’t. It was rare, thankfully, and he was too much of a perfectionist to let staff notice, but that meant the four of them bore the brunt of it all.
‘The four of them’ those days being more like 90% falling to Yunho, the remaining 10% flying off in more or less mean comments for the rest of them.
Without surprise, Yunho nodded in agreement after a few seconds and Changmin turned away to leave, already thinking of how he could possibly fix this.
“Don’t stay up too late”, the older man warned before he left the room, “we’ll be busy tomorrow.”
They were always busy. Not that Changmin complained, but ‘busy’ had a lot to do with the tensions currently breeding between the five of them. Too tired to be patient. Too stressed to make compromises. No time to talk about it and yet, with all the good things happening around them recently, how on earth were they supposed to resent it?
He hoped going to Japan would help. They wouldn’t be any less busy there, but the change of environment would be good.
He hoped.
Changmin found Yoochun on the balcony, just as he expected.
The older man was leaning on the wall, puffing on a cigarette - the third one, judging by the butts lining on the ledge. He didn’t look at him when he arrived and Changmin remained silent as he closed the door behind him. It was chilly outside, but that felt rather good. He breathed in deeply, relieved that at least, Yoochun wasn’t telling him to leave.
He didn’t talk at first, staring down at his hands and wondering where to start. It was never easy with Yoochun. Well, that kind of thing was easy with no one, but Yoochun especially…
Changmin swallowed, chancing a glance at the other. He really wanted to snatch the cigarette from his hands. Right now priorities were elsewhere though; no need in bringing forth yet another issue. He cleared his throat but Yoochun ignored him, gaze resolutely fixed on a distant point somewhere in the dark night sky. He still looked angry, though Changmin knew it wasn’t at him. Which didn’t mean all was fine, far from it.
“You shouldn’t have talked to Yunho like this”, he finally ventured after long minutes of silence. Not the smoothest way to go but it wasn’t like him to beat about the bush. And he just had to say this, if only because he was the only one Yoochun would listen to at the moment.
“It was none of his fault”, Changmin added, keeping his eyes on the other and not intending to back away, no matter what reaction he’d get, “it was unfair, blaming him for it.”
“Maybe. But there are some things Yunho needed to hear anyway.”
Yoochun still wasn’t looking at him, expression hard, nervously playing with the cigarette in his hand.
“You know it’s hard on him those days”, Changmin retorted, “he’s always-“
“What I know is that he needs to get his priorities straight”, Yoochun finally turned his head to look at him, though it was too dark for Changmin to make out his features clearly, “it’s either us, or the company. Right now it can’t be both.”
“Right now we shouldn’t make things more complicated than they already are.”
Yoochun made a funny noise at the back of his throat, like he’d expected him to say that. Still, he didn’t sound that angry anymore. He moved away from the wall and came in front of him, looking straight into his eyes. Silent.
Staring.
“You know Changmin-ah…”
He repressed a shiver. That was too quiet. Too soft. Too mellow a way to say his name, like Yoochun could convey everything in a single word just giving his voice that unsettling edge - both caring and intriguing.
Will you dare? Because I will.
“You’ve got to learn to go against what Yunho says sometimes.”
“I-“
“Else he’ll become a complete control freak”, Yoochun didn’t let him answer, stubbing out his cigarette on the ledge of the balcony, ”then you can only blame yourself.”
Changmin didn’t mind Yunho being a complete control freak.
He minded the weariness in the leader’s eyes at times, when he thought no one was looking. There was a lot Yunho didn’t tell them, a lot he negotiated behind closed doors - holidays and breaks, activities they could take up and others they would not, drawing lines, and in the middle of all this, attempting to convey their own wishes and ideas.
Now expectations concerning the five of them were so high it was getting harder and harder to try and go another way than what the company imposed. But now Yunho was also more of a leader, and less of a spokesperson. When he said ‘no’, when he suggested things, management listened. It wasn’t easy and in return, Yunho expected the four of them to do as he told them. Changmin thought it was only fair, but Yoochun obviously didn’t quite agree.
“Never mind…”, the older one muttered then, drawing him out of his thoughts.
Changmin only had the time to wonder why he’d drop the matter so suddenly before Yoochun walked away, passing in front of him without so much as a glance. By the time he reacted, the other was already back inside. When he caught up with him Yoochun was at the front door, visibly intending to go out.
“You can’t…”, Changmin’s voice trailed off. He supposed mentioning Yunho now wouldn’t be a good idea. Yoochun understood what he’d been about to say though, judging by the look he threw him.
“I can’t what?”, he asked, looking more amused than upset.
“Nothing...”
“Come with me then?”
Yoochun already had his shoes on. He was looking at him with a question in his eyes - will you dare?
…Will you dare?
Changmin stared back. Clearly, that wasn’t a good idea. But leaving Yoochun alone tonight wasn’t a good idea either, he reflected, and after quickly apologizing to Yunho in his head, he came forward and put his shoes on as well. Yoochun didn’t make any comment - for which he was thankful -, merely opening the front door and moving aside to let him pass.
Changmin followed him to the parking lot without a word. He got inside the car, a funny feeling of anticipation stirring low in his stomach when the other started the engine. That was the kind of thing Yoochun and Jaejoong did, not him. Not Yoochun and him.
No. What they did was ninja-rampage the fridge in the middle of the night, try to get Junsu drunk, hide Yunho’s phone in the weirdest places, or compete about who’d manage to squeeze the most unseemly Japanese words in interviews. Much like when they’d just debuted. Still stuck in a pattern that was blatantly unsatisfactory for them both.
They did have their moments though.
More than once they’d ended up alone… more than once Yoochun had tried and Changmin had stopped it, since one of them had to. It was as simple as that: something that couldn’t - wouldn’t - be, because this was real life and real life meant you had to sort the countless desires tossing a human heart. Real life meant you had to choose dreams.
Real life was far far far from Changmin’s mind at that exact moment.
“Where are we going?”, he asked once he’d studied the short list of destinations that’d come to his mind, and discarded each possibility one after the other. He didn’t really care, to be honest. It was just too quiet.
“You’ll see.”
Changmin could think of nothing else to ask and Yoochun obviously didn’t feel like talking. They didn’t say a word for the rest of the trip.
The atmosphere was still tense, but not the same as earlier; troubling, rather than stressful. Expectant. Soon, silence was gathering everything unsaid on the brink of his mind and it wasn’t long before Changmin found himself facing thoughts he was having more and more trouble ignoring as time passed. He always did his best to hide that small fact from Yoochun.
Now however, he couldn’t - not while Yoochun was here, the two of them alone in the middle of the night, after a talk that wasn’t quite personal but still… still, Changmin thought with a pang in his heart, it was special. Privileged. Different.
He fought a surge of warmth that dangerously felt like hope and turned away to look out the window. It was ridiculous, how much he still wanted to hold a special place in Yoochun’s eyes - heart… heart, part of him corrected; the part that had stopped running away. The part of Changmin that had started feeling and wanted to feel more.
Heart.
Changmin was trying hard to ignore his own but tonight, all he could think of was how close Yoochun was. How silent he was. How angry he’d been earlier. How he had stared again.
Now they were making a huge mistake. That much was clear, but Changmin couldn’t get rid of the impression that something was going to happen tonight. And he was aware the idea alone would maybe prompt him to act in ways he’d never normally consider.
By the time Yoochun stopped the car, Changmin’s thoughts were a thousand miles away from the evening events.
Blood was pounding at his temples. His palms were sweaty. It was quiet, too quiet without the background murmur of the car’s engine. He could hear every breath, be it Yoochun’s or his own. He felt nervous like a teenager during a first date, and the image made him grimace. It was ridiculous… all of it. Whatever was going on between them it wasn’t worth so much confusion, and Changmin obliged himself to look at Yoochun.
Another mistake.
The eyes looking back at him weren’t hard to read, this time around. No. Quite the opposite.
Changmin’s heart plummeted and he hastily looked away, trying to focus on what he could see of the surroundings, partly revealed in the halo cast by the car’s headlights. There were a few trees near, and several meters ahead, what seemed to be water - a river, a pond maybe. There wasn’t any building around. Somewhere remote, but not too far from Seoul. Probably the kind of place where Yoochun found shelter when he went out and told no one.
“Where are we?”, Changmin asked at last, attempting to sound casual. He was looking anywhere but at the other, trying hard not to think about the reasons why he’d bring him to such a place.
“Does it matter?”
Apprehension instantly shot up, something in the older one’s voice making his chest tighten. Clearly, Yoochun wouldn’t bother with pretence tonight. Like the heap of silences between them had finally become too heavy to be still bearable.
“You tell me if it matters”, Changmin answered, nervously wiping his palms on his pants, “it was just a question…”
“That’s where I deal with sasaengs.”
“…what?”
“I lure them here. Dark place. Scary. It’s very convenient.”
“…”
“No one hears when they scream.”
“Yoochun...”
“Then I throw the bodies in the river and it-“
“Yoochun.”
Changmin couldn’t help but smile. He turned to look at the other, the knot in his heart loosening as he met amused eyes.
“You asked.”
“It’s not funny.”
“But you’re smiling.”
Suddenly the older man’s tone was serious again, far from its previous lightness as he sat sideways on the car seat, facing him. The next thing he knew, Yoochun was staring once again. Then he talked and Changmin’s heart dropped - the veiled echo of a fall without end.
“I like it when you smile.”
There.
There, he knew at once.
It was happening. And he wasn’t ready for this, Changmin realized with a pang of panic. He wasn’t… would never be, but even as he was clinging onto that last thought, inside his heart was hammering. Feelings were hammering, feverishly forging words he didn’t want to say.
“…It’s weird… you suddenly saying things like that”, he managed weakly, his voice wrung by silence. The world had narrowed to Yoochun’s eyes and in them, what Changmin didn’t know if he wanted to see.
“Then tell me something you like too…”, Yoochun leaned forward, head tilted to the side, voice low, “something you like about me.”
There was no safe answer for this.
Changmin swallowed, throat tight. Heart tight, and fists clenched tight, his whole body tensed and all senses focused on Yoochun. Also dangerously tempted to give in to the thrill of the game. Because it was a game, still, though not for much longer now. Changmin could try and look away from the truth as many times as he wished, that little something wrong between them now ran far too deep.
And it had been repressed for too long.
“I like…”
He had no idea what he was saying. Yoochun was too close… not close enough. Too far for Changmin to feel the warmth of him, the scent of him, the enveloping knowledge that the older man was here, looking at him, at him only… at Changmin alone and yes, it was special. So small, the distance between their closed hands. So strong, the urge to undo bounds.
He felt breathless. He felt his heart press tight around every other part of him, erasing everything that didn’t have Yoochun in it.
“I like that you always know what I’m feeling”, he said, barely registering his own words as he unconsciously remembered what’d happened earlier that evening, “even if I don’t say it…”
The double-meaning of that last sentence hit him too late. Simultaneously, Changmin realized his gaze had gone from Yoochun’s eyes to his lips, and that the other would indeed have no problem understanding what was going on in his head. He felt blood rush to his face but wasn’t given the time to worry about that.
“I like it when you speak your mind.”
Yoochun was smiling. A bit of an enigma. A lot of a challenge, poised temptingly on his lips and at the edge of his voice, giving Changmin so much more than what words alone seemed to tell.
He refused to take the bait, and settled for something safe enough.
“I like the songs you write.”
“I like when you sing them.”
Changmin heard his own sharp intake of air shake silence. Before he could grasp how low Yoochun’s voice had dropped, purposefully quiet and full, charged with explicit intentions and feelings, he felt a touch on the back of his hand. He looked down in time to see fingers wrap around his.
“I’ve always liked your voice…”
Yoochun’s words, he thought… Yoochun’s voice was black. Like the night around them. Like the color of his eyes, darkness too rich to be hollow, shadows twisting around silences, intertwined within feelings. Eager, greedy, yet soft and warm, and reassuring, just like the hand now taking Changmin’s hand and pulling it closer, gently opening his tightly clenched fingers, one after the other. As if unwrapping a secret…
“You’re always so quiet but when you sing, Changmin…”
A secret that was never really one. A cheap curtain of fumes, ramparts made of mirages. As empty as his hand before Yoochun took it.
“…when you sing, I swear I hear nothing but you.”
Changmin blinked when fingers touched his face. He looked up, unable to repress a small shiver and wondering when Yoochun had come so close. When the night had become so still. When the feel of their linked hands had turned unsatisfactory… way too small of a touch, while his skin was warming everywhere Yoochun’s fingers touched his face, barely there caresses that left him craving for something real, whole and embracing.
“What do we do now, Changmin-ah?”
Will you dare...
“Tell me… what do we do?”, Yoochun whispered. Changmin could’ve sworn it was in his head only, because Yoochun’s lips weren’t moving at all. Waiting. Staring. Still staring, now holding onto his hand tightly as fingers trailed down the left side of his face, stopping an inch too close to his mouth. An inch too far.
Waiting.
All Changmin had to do was close his eyes. And you won’t know unless you’ve lived it, he thought… you won’t know how your whole life can fuse and fade within a mere moment, when that moment holds a different future in its palm and asks if you want to take that chance.
All Changmin had to do was stay still, and let Yoochun shatter silences, shatter pretence, shatter every wall and every lie and take what was inside. His heart was pounding. He could feel his cheeks burn. Too warm, Yoochun’s hands and his eyes, his words, and the feelings so clearly outlined by five years’ worth of aborted looks and gestures. Ablaze, the violent strength of a desire that knew it was on the verge of being let free, a heartbeat away from release.
All Changmin had to do was close his eyes, and wait.
He engraved every feeling in his memory; every touch, every shade. He looked once more into Yoochun’s eyes hoping to steal a little of their warmth. He squeezed the older man’s fingers tight, once, and pulled away.
He averted his eyes. He let go of Yoochun’s hand, turned away from him, and listened as silence unfolded - outside, inside. Dull. Dead.
He wanted to cry.
Changmin held back tears because next to him Yoochun had gone very still. He could tell without even looking at him. He could hear the way the other’s breathing had quickened. Selfishly, he was relieved he didn’t have to look at his face now, though he knew he was taking the right decision. One of them simply had to do this, since this was real life, and some things couldn’t be.
Changmin ignored the part of him that wanted Yoochun to grab his arm, bring him close and give him no other choice than try and live that thing between them. He ignored the way his heart protested, the burning feel of the too many tears pressing behind his closed eyelids - tears he wouldn’t let free.
Far, far away from him, he heard Yoochun start the car again.
It felt like ten seconds had passed when they stopped. Changmin opened his eyes and recognized the street in front of their building.
He still couldn’t look at Yoochun, staring down at his hands, unable to erase the ghost touch of fingers holding his. Desperately clinging onto the knowledge that there was no other way… that it was cruel, regretful, heartbreaking, and every crushed feeling you’d like to squeeze here, but it was the only way… it-
“Get off.”
He stiffened, caught off-guard by the rough edge in Yoochun’s voice. Then again, he should’ve expected it.
Changmin still couldn’t look his way and reached for the door handle, aware that there were things he should be saying now since there would not be another chance. But he couldn’t find the words. He knew he had reasons - logical, rational, unshakable ones - and he also knew each one of them would sound cowardly at this moment.
Changmin left the car feeling much like he was running away. He was barely out that Yoochun started again, and the car’s red backlights had disappeared at the corner of the street before he even reached the building’s door.
He climbed the stairs slowly; disoriented, numb, his mind a mess of confused images as what had just happened was already mixing with earlier events - the convenient store, whispers in his ear, the argument, Yunho’s anger, and Yoochun… Yoochun.
Changmin stopped on the doorstep, eyes closed, making sure that no tear would come out. It was too soon for the realization of what had just happened to sink in, and it felt like his heart was waiting, resignedly trying to ready itself for the pain to come - a blow he wouldn’t avoid, even if he could. He was thinking, breathing in another world, and could barely feel the cold metal of the handle or the hard surface of the key in his hand when he opened the door. He came in, removed his shoes. He didn’t hear footsteps coming near.
When he stood up Jaejoong was here, looking at him questioningly.
“Where is Yoochun?”
“He left…”
“Where?”
Changmin didn’t know if it was in his head or if Jaejoong sounded colder than usual. He didn’t know. Suddenly he was tired, didn’t want to think… what if, why not, will you dare? He said nothing, and merely moved aside when Jaejoong walked past him and started putting his shoes on.
“…I don’t know where he went”, Changmin managed, looking at the other and realizing at last that if leaving Yoochun alone had seemed like a bad idea earlier, it was at least ten times worse now.
“Well I think I know”, Jaejoong muttered, grabbing his keys on the table near the door. “I’ll deal with it. Just don’t tell Yunho I went out, I don’t want to have to explain myself about this later.”
The older man was gone before Changmin could answer. The only clear idea on his mind was that Jaejoong knew where Yoochun was, and that he didn’t. It was stupid. So stupid he’d laugh if it didn’t feel as if there was a sob stuck somewhere in his throat, only waiting for a chance to come out.
He walked to the bedroom he shared with Junsu, thinking of nothing but the safe shelter of his bed. He already had his hand on the handle when he heard the other’s voice inside, talking loud and laughing, probably on phone with his brother. They could go on like this for hours.
Right now Changmin needed silence.
He turned away. The next moment he was knocking at Yunho’s door, where his steps had led instinctively him because there it was quiet. Comforting.
More or less consciously, Changmin thought that if Yunho knew, he’d say that yes, it’d been the right decision earlier. He’d say it was alright. He’d say Changmin had done what he had to, and then maybe some of the guilt crushing his heart would go away. He heard the older man say to come in and walked inside without a second thought.
Yunho was at his desk, working. A look at the clock on the wall told him it was past 1AM already.
“Where is Yoochun?”
He met Yunho’s eyes. The other looked worried and Changmin swallowed, wondering just how much his expression was betraying now.
“…With Jaejoong.”
He didn’t tell him they were both out, but it wasn’t a lie either. He didn’t want to lie to Yunho. And he didn’t want the two others to get in trouble because of him - especially Yoochun.
He didn’t want to think about Yoochun.
“What are you doing?”, Changmin asked in a lame attempt to change the topic, blinking fast to push back the tears pooling in his eyes. He didn’t think Yunho was fooled but the older man was kind enough to pretend not to notice.
“Demos for our next album”, he waved toward the papers and the mp3 player on the desk, “they want us to pre-record a few songs before we leave for Japan.”
“A few?”
“Ok, all of them”, Yunho smiled tiredly, “I told them that wouldn’t be possible though. Unless you feel ready to wake up at 4 every day this week.”
Changmin scrunched his nose and Yunho’s smile widened, now more sincere.
“They told me to choose four”, he explained, leaning back in his chair and stretching his arms above his head, “I wanted to talk about it with everyone tonight but…”
Yunho’s voice trailed off. He shrugged, and just like this Changmin had one more reason to feel bad.
“You need help…?”, he offered before he could stop himself. To be honest there was little he could do in his current state, but it’d be a welcome distraction. His heart felt awfully tight and heavy; all he wanted now was to forget why… forget long enough for the pain to subside.
“I need you to sleep”, Yunho said however, looking at him more closely and visibly not pleased by what he was seeing, “you look terrible.”
Changmin didn’t bother denying it.
“Junsu is talking to Junho and he’s loud”, he said, trying to make it sound like casual whining as he came closer, peering at the papers spread in front of the older man. “…’Maximum’?”
“You’ll like this one”, Yunho nodded, “Junsu as well. Jaejoong not so much.”
“Dance track?”
The older man nodded again and Changmin made a face, making Yunho chuckle.
“It’s nice, really”, he insisted before taking another look at him, this time frowning slightly, “seriously now, you must sleep.”
“I-“
“You can take my bed.”
“But-“
“And I’ll kick you out the minute Junsu is done talking to his brother, don’t worry.”
In other circumstances, Changmin would’ve argued. As it was, he was all too relieved to obey and didn’t need to be told twice. He was in Yunho’s bed the moment that followed - never mind that he was still fully clothed and the sheets were all rumpled because the older man never bothered to make his bed in the morning. He pulled the covers high with only his eyes peaking out, knowing that sleep would wash through him in a matter of minutes, in spite of everything.
It smelled like Yunho, he thought. He could hear the older man hum quietly as he went back to work, his back on him, partially blocking the lights from the desk lamp.
Changmin tried hard to focus on this, on Yunho, and Japan, next albums or the coming tour, but still… still, mere seconds later, the first tears came out. He pulled the covers above his head, eyes shut tight. He held back a sob, biting hard on his lower lip to make sure he wouldn’t make a sound.
He felt pathetic.
There was nothing to cry for… nothing he was allowed to complain about, because nothing had even happened, and Changmin himself had made it that way.
It would end here, like this, quietly and unknowingly to everyone. And somehow, it seemed unfair. As if those feelings he was now going to erase had deserved better than secrecy and denial. Changmin found a little relief in the way tears flooded his face, thinking that at least, something about them had been true - at least that unborn emotion between Yoochun and him wasn’t fake.
It was impossible. Merely impossible - right now he had forgotten why, but he’d remember, eventually.
Changmin would remember why it could not happen, and then feel relieved that he’d found the strength to turn away from it. The hardest part was behind him. Tears were just tears, vain yet needed, and he let them all flow freely, as if hoping they’d carry out with them some of the foolish hopes he’d wasted so much time nursing within his heart.
Still, the last thing on his mind when sleep finally claimed him was the memory of a deep voice and warm words, and a hand holding his.
A memory, already.
Nothing more.
Inside though… in his chest a lasting ache was born. The one left by those heartbeats you only get to feel once in your life, and that never stop resounding.
Note: don't kill me please........... I had to do this.... *grabs laptop and runs away* >____> (kill Min instead, he's the baka one...)
Well, I guess this is frustrating on many levels (mianhaeee) but hey, five years later Min is well on his trip down memory lane, and this time it might lead him somewhere, who knows...? ^__^"
Also, I have been quite busy the past week and will be in the days to come, so I'm not sure I can update next Friday. We'll see~
Hope you enjoyed the read! :)