For the Sake of the Song (13/17)
Chapter 13: Deathly
Now that I've met you
Would you object to
Never seeing each other again
Cause I can't afford to
Climb aboard you
No one's got that much ego to spend
So don't work your stuff
Because I've got troubles enough
No, don't pick on me
When one act of kindness could be
Deathly
-Deathly, Aimee Mann
The call William had been hoping for came a week after their return from the coast. He glanced at Buffy where she sat cross-legged at the living room table, poring over her books, and stood to take the call in the bedroom.
He was silent for a moment when he returned to the living room, taking a seat on the couch behind Buffy. She leaned against his legs, and he ran a hand through her soft curls.
“Wanna take a study break?” he asked. “Could go for a walk, maybe hit the Espresso Pump.”
Buffy looked up at him and nodded. “Good idea,” she smiled. She stood and retrieved her heavy wool sweater from the closet, then slipped a black knit cap down over her ears. William grinned at her before grabbing a scarf and wrapping it securely around her neck.
“You’re bloody adorable, you know that?” he said, dropping a kiss on her forehead. He took her hand in his as they wandered down the street. They walked to the Espresso Pump, talking idly, while William tried to order his churning thoughts.
It wasn’t until they were sitting at a table with their drinks that Buffy called him on his distraction. “What is it?” she said. “I can see the gears turning in your head. You’ll start your hair on fire if you think any harder.”
William took a slow sip of his coffee before responding. “I applied for a position at Reed College in Portland. That’s who called before. I’m one of their final candidates for the job. Should know more in the next month or so. It's a great school, it'd be a good opportunity."
“Oh,” Buffy said tonelessly, staring into her mocha. “Well. Good luck, Will.”
William felt the tension rolling off of her. “I… if I were to get the job, Buffy, I’d want you to come with me. You know that, yeah?”
Her eyes flashed up to his. “I do now,” she said with a small smile, but her face, her body language, remained wary and distant.
“Buffy, love, what is it? I din’t think you’d mind leavin’ Sunnydale. What is there to keep you here?” He reached for her hand; she pulled it away, curled both hands into tight little fists in her lap.
“What happens when you get tired of me?” she asked quietly, her gaze flitting from the table between them to the wall behind him to the street; anywhere but on him. William wasn’t sure he’d heard her right, but then she looked at him with such an expression of dread that his breath caught in his throat.
“That’s not gonna happen,” he said quickly.
“How do you know that? You were with Dru for five years, Will, and you walked away from her pretty damn easily.”
William was suddenly sorry he had initiated this conversation in public. Buffy was fighting tears, and he felt a need to hit something. “You’re. Not. Dru,” he said finally, angrily. “There’s no bloody comparison at all, so don’t even start.”
“I know I’m not,” Buffy whispered.
William leaned forward. “Don’t you see how we fit together, Buffy?” he said fiercely. “I spent my time with Dru trying to be someone I wasn’t. You… I don’t have to pretend with you. I don’t have to lie about who I am to keep your attention. I can be myself, can be the man I want to be. And the only reason it was at all easy for me to walk away from Dru was because of you. You’re exactly who I’ve been waitin’ for my whole life. You’re the one, Buffy.”
Buffy drew in a sharp breath. Her hands shook.
“I can’t make you any guarantees,” he continued. “Life doesn’t work like that, you know that, better’n most, I suspect. All I can tell you is that I love you and I want you and I need you in my life. And I thought you felt the same way.”
Buffy stood abruptly and came around the table to plant herself on his lap. “William, I do. I love you so much that… I love you, Will, and that’s what scares me.”
“What’s so scary, Buffy?” William whispered into her ear. He wrapped his arms securely around her trembling frame.
“Everyone I love leaves me, one way or another. And I don’t want to think about the day you leave me, too.” She had stopped fighting tears; they were all pouring out of her in a silent flood.
“Not gonna happen, kitten.” William pressed his lips to her throat, ran his mouth up her neck to her jaw. “I’m not goin’ anywhere,” he promised.
Buffy nodded. “Take me home, Will,” she said hoarsely. “Take me home and make love to me. Please. I need… I need to feel you.”
William kissed her very gently and wiped the tears from her cheeks. Then he took her hand in his and led her home.
***
“William?”
“Buffy?”
She shifted in his arms and rested her chin on his chest. William craned his neck to meet her eyes. “You’d really want me to move to Portland with you?”
William sighed and pulled her up his body till they were nose to nose. He twined his fingers in her hair. “Don’t want to be anywhere you’re not, sweets,” he said quietly. “I just want to be with you. Whether that’s here, Portland, or Timbuktu, it doesn’t matter to me. If you want to stay in Sunnydale, that’s what we’ll do.”
Buffy smiled and stroked her little hand down the side of his face. “You were right,” she said. “There’s nothing keeping me here, other than you.”
William wrapped his arms around her and buried his face against her throat. He felt her fingers scratching through his hair and down his neck. Her hands gripped his shoulders and he pulled back to see her shining eyes. “I adore you, Buffy,” he whispered.
“I know exactly how you feel,” she whispered back.
***
William spent Buffy's birthday spoiling her. The day started with breakfast in bed and continued with William dropping her at the spa for a day of pampering. He picked her up hours later and was pleased to see her looking relaxed and refreshed.
He wrapped the day up with dinner at the same French restaurant they had gone to on their first date. Buffy feigned surprise when he ordered wine for both of them.
"What happened to not supplying me with liquor?" she teased. "I'm going to start thinking you're a bad influence, with the contributing to the delinquency of a minor and all that."
William smiled. "Think that only applies if you're under eighteen, kitten," he said. "'Sides, it's a special occasion."
"Oh, right," Buffy said. "That doesn't mean you're not a bad influence, though." She took a sip of her wine. "Mmm, this is good."
Towards the end of the meal, he glanced at Buffy and caught the contemplative expression in her eyes. "What're you thinking about, love?"
"Hmm?" she said absently. "I don't know... about the first time we came here, I guess. How different my whole life is since then."
"Different in a good way, right?" he asked.
Buffy scoffed. "Nah, this whole deal sucks. Wish I were still living in that crappy apartment and working at the Doublemeat. You really screwed up all my grand plans, Will. Way to go."
William grinned. "Sorry 'bout that. How can I make it up to you?"
Buffy got that glint in her eye that William loved, but they were interrupted by the waitress coming to clear their dishes and ask if they wanted dessert. William didn't have to look at Buffy to know she straightened up attentively at the mention of chocolate.
It was over dessert that William worked up the courage to say the one thing he'd been trying to get out all night. "Buffy," he said very seriously, taking her hand in his, "I want you to know that I love having you in my life. There's nothin' better than waking up to your beautiful face every morning and goin' to sleep with you in my arms every night. If you'd let me, I'd spend the rest of my life makin' you smile, because nothing makes me happier than seeing you happy.”
He fumbled in his jacket pocket for the ring box, popping it open and setting it on the table between them. The diamond and sapphire setting sparkled in the low lights. “Buffy, will you... will you marry me?"
William glanced from the ring to Buffy's face. Her eyes were very wide, and her mouth hung open.
"Will," she whispered. The color had drained from her face, and her eyes flew up to meet his. Her hand convulsed in his grip before she pulled away from him.
William's heart sank. Even before she stood up, teetering a little on her high heels, he knew that her answer wasn't going to be the resounding 'yes' he was hoping for.
"I can't... oh, god, I can't breathe, Will," Buffy gasped. "I... I'm gonna..." Whatever she was going to say was lost as she rushed through the dining room and out the door.
William snatched up the ring and hurriedly settled their bill. He collected Buffy's purse and coat, which she'd left behind in her mad dash from the restuarant, and walked on leaden feet to the exit.
Buffy leaned against the wall to the left of the door. Her arms were wrapped around her waist, and her breath came in spurts. She looked at him with wild eyes when he walked silently up to her.
"I'm so sorry, William," she said between panting inhalations.
William leaned against the wall next to her and waited patiently. He draped her coat over her shoulders and rubbed her back gently; eventually her breathing slowed down and she turned to him with a sorrowful look on her face. He let his arms fall to his sides, fists clenched tightly.
"Will," Buffy said, one hand coming up to caress his cheek. "I really am sorry, that's not... I know that's not what you wanted me to say."
William closed his eyes and let his head fall back. He jumped when he felt her press a kiss to his throat.
"I want to say yes," she whispered. "I really do. But... can you understand that this is all a little fast for me?"
He looked down at her. Her earnest face was turned up to him, her tumultuous emotions written so clearly across it. He nodded.
"Say something," Buffy cried. A few hot tears flew out of her eyes. "Please, Will, don't, don't be mad at me. I couldn't stand it."
That broke through the numbness, the buzzing in his ears. He tugged her into his arms. "Shh, kitten," he murmured. "Couldn't ever be mad at you. It's... I'm just... I want you to be mine, Buffy."
She smiled at him through her tears. "Silly man," she said. "I am yours. Heart, body, and soul, I'm yours, William."
He nodded again and pulled her closer.
"Take me home, and I'll show you," she said. "I'm all yours."
***
"Are you awake?" Buffy said very quietly.
"No," William muttered. He squinched his eyes shut tighter when he felt her little fingers dance across his ribs, unerringly finding the most ticklish spots. He squirmed under her touch.
"Yes, you are, you liar," Buffy laughed. "Wanna talk."
William reluctantly opened his eyes. The room was dark, illuminated only by the faint moonlight filtering through the windows. "What d'you wanna talk about, pet?"
"I want to tell you I'm sorry about what happened at the restaurant."
William gripped her shoulders. "You don't need to apologize for that, Buffy."
"No, I really, really do. I know I hurt you, William, and that's not something I ever wanted to do." She ran a hand down his chest and rested it at his waist. Her head fell onto his shoulder as she draped her leg across his pelvis. "You're so good to me, even when I don't deserve it."
William sat up at that and dragged her onto his lap. "Buffy, there’s never a moment you don’t deserve all that’s good. Wish I could get you to believe that." He crashed his lips against hers, kissed her till she was gasping.
***
Buffy was pale and jittery when William collected her following her GED exam. He folded her into his arms. “What happened, pet?” he murmured against her hair.
“It was awful,” she said. “I failed, I know I did.”
William stifled a grin. “Sweetness,” he said, “I’m sure you did a fine job. You studied so hard, and you’re such a smart girl.”
She shook her head against his chest. “No, you don’t understand, it was really, truly terrible. I just kept guessing 'cause I couldn't figure out the answers.”
“Let’s not borrow trouble. You’ll get the results soon and then you’ll know. Till then…” he searched for a distraction.
“Will you take me out for ice cream?” Buffy asked suddenly, sniffling back tears.
William laughed. “This was all a ploy for sweets, wasn’t it?”
"Maybe a little bit?" Buffy said with a wavering smile. "It was a really scary test, though."
William smiled back at her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "C'mon, you can have all the ice cream you want."
***
William came home a few weeks later to find Buffy sitting on the couch in the dark. She looked up, startled, when he came through the door and snapped on the lights. She held an envelope in her hands.
"Buffy?" William said, a little worried. "Is everything okay?"
"Uh, yeah," she said. "My test results came today." She held the envelope out to him.
"What's the verdict?" he asked, sitting down next to her.
"I didn't open it yet," Buffy said quietly. She pressed the piece of mail into his hands. "Will you do it, please? I just... I can't."
"Sure." William pulled her into his arms for a quick hug. She stood and began pacing across the room as he ripped the end of the envelope off and pulled out the paper held within. He scanned the sheet quickly and turned to Buffy, a huge smile creasing his cheeks.
"Buffy, you... god, girl, you didn't just pass, you practically aced the test." He laughed as Buffy let out a whoop of joy and bounded into his arms. "Told ya you’re smart, din't I?"
Buffy grabbed his face in both hands and kissed him soundly. "Thank you," she said.
"For what?" William asked. "You're the one who earned this." He shook the paper at her, and she took it with a trembling hand.
"For believing in me," Buffy said. "For... William, for the million little things you have done for me since the day I met you. If it weren't for you, I don’t even know where I’d be right now." She leaned into him, wrapping her arms around his waist.
William hugged her tightly. "Buffy, I'd do it all again. Told you before, there's nothing I wouldn't do for you. Now, how d'you wanna celebrate?"
Buffy looked up at him with bright eyes. "We're celebrating?"
"It's not every day my girl graduates, is it?" he said, squeezing her a little. "So, dinner, dancing, whatever you want."
***
They spent the night at the Bronze. Buffy danced to every song, and William just tried to keep up. It wasn't hard, considering how damn sexy she looked in her red leather pants and skimpy black halter top. He couldn't keep his hands off her as she shimmied against him on the dance floor. When she pulled him to a dark corner beneath the stairs and wrapped herself around him, he just about lost control and took her right there. With great effort, he managed to keep it to an intense make-out session instead of something that would get them both arrested for indecent exposure.
"We've gotta go," he gasped finally, at the end of his tether when her hot little hands slipped into the waistband of his jeans.
"But we just got here," Buffy pouted. Her hands kept moving south, and her mouth latched onto his earlobe.
"Sweetheart, we've been here for hours, and, gah, if you keep doin' what you're doin', you're gonna be wearing a lot less clothes in about ten seconds."
Buffy almost relented at that; her hands crept marginally closer to safe territory and she stopped doing that thing with her tongue that was driving him bloody mad. "What if I wanna be wearing less clothes?" she said with an innocent expression.
William yanked her hard against his body. "I can take care of that... but let's get outta here first." He barely waited for her nod before tossing her over his shoulder and carrying her out of the club.
***
He woke sometime in the night. It was dark and very quiet. William heard only the rush of the wind around the house. Buffy wasn’t next to him.
William heard the murmur of her voice, but couldn’t distinguish individual words. He rose slowly and stretched a moment before padding naked out of the bedroom. A dim rectangle of light illuminated the hallway outside the kitchen.
Buffy’s words suddenly became clear. “Oh, Dawnie!” Distress laced her tone; the thickness in her voice betrayed impending tears. She breathed heavily. “Baby, don’t cry. Don’t. No, I’m not mad.”
William caught his breath. It seemed like an eternity before she spoke again. “I know. I miss her, too.” Another infinite pause. “I love you.” William heard her cell phone click shut.
He held his breath a moment more. He wavered between barging in on a private moment and darting back to bed to avoid detection. His decision was made for him when he heard Buffy give a tiny sniffle, followed by a long, ragged breath. He took three long strides from the bedroom to the kitchen and stepped through the doorway.
Buffy sat on the black and white checkerboard linoleum, back against the refrigerator and her legs sprawled out bonelessly. She was clad only in his Ramone’s t-shirt. She looked up at him with huge, tear-soaked eyes. “William,” she whispered. Her eyes stayed locked on his as he crouched next to her.
William’s hand trembled as he reached to brush a strand of hair out of her eyes. “Never wanna see you so sad, pet,” he murmured. His thumb rasped across her cheekbone, his long index finger traced the line of her nose. His eyes fixed on her lips for a long moment, then darted back to meet her own wide eyes once more.
“What is… can I…” he stammered. He took a deep breath. “I only want to help you, Buffy. How can I help?”
Her eyes fluttered shut. Both her hands grasped his as he delicately caressed her. She turned her mouth and nose into the palm of his hand and took a great whuffle of a breath. “You’re so kind, Will,” she whispered. “Why are you so kind?” She opened her eyes then and fixed them, gray-green now and intense with emotion, unsparingly on him.
He breathed against her mouth. “You know why!” His lips took hers roughly, but in the next second, he was slowing down, pulling her to him across the floor, his left knee between her open thighs. “You know why, Buffy,” he muttered urgently in her neck. She wrapped her arms around his back, plastered her chest to his and gripped the sharp corner of his shoulder between her teeth. She bit him gently, gave a shuddering sigh, and nodded against him.
“I know, Will.” She grasped his face between her hands and looked him square in the eye. They both held their breath as the moment stretched between them like taffy. Then she kissed him long and hard until they were both wild with it. Mad for each other. He surged against her on the kitchen floor, and she smiled and kissed him again, just the way he liked best.
***
It was dawn when William woke again, to the feel of Buffy pouring herself over him. She was warm and tousled from sleep, and she smelled of him. He could have sworn he purred when she pressed her lips to the base of his throat. She swung her leg over his hip, pressed against him. The curtains were open, and the bare branches outside the window stood starkly outlined against the purpling morning sky. Buffy was framed in the window, a dim shadow moving above him, a cascade of heat and sensation.
It felt like a dream.
William jolted up and reached for the bedside lamp. It came on with a snap and Buffy’s features were illuminated in the soft glow. “Need to see you,” he told her. He couldn't look away from her; he loved how she couldn’t make herself look anywhere but at him.
He let her push him back against the pillows, let her run the show and set the pace. She held his wrists down above his head and teased him with sweet little tastes of her lips, with the way she brushed her bare skin against his. Finally, he could take it no more and pressed his hips upwards. He hissed at the contact; his reward was Buffy’s own reaction. She let loose her grip on him and they came together in a passionate rush.
Buffy sat up against her haunches, her hips magnetized to his. She braced herself with her palms flat on his chest, the heel of each hand pressing down on his sensitive nipples. He gripped her waist firmly with one arm, held her tight and still against him. With his other hand, he reached up to twirl a lock of her long hair around his wrist. The golden rays of the rising sun peeking through his window silhouetted her; she glowed in the nimbus of light.
“Love this hair,” he said abstractedly. His gaze moved from her face to the curtain of her shining curls falling around them. “Love seein’ you like this, Buffy. Love the way you move, love the way you kiss. I love you, Buffy.” He pulled her flat against him and they began moving once more, pushing and grappling. They kissed till he saw spots, then a little bit longer. He could hear her name tumbling helplessly from his lips, a litany of adoration. As they soared over the edge together, she cried out his name, over and over.
When they were still and falling asleep, he felt her mouth caress his ear. “I love you,” she whispered, so softly he could hardly hear. “I really, really do.”
***
The house was dark and empty when he came home that night. He walked through the house, turning on lights and wondering where Buffy was.
The first clue was his bedside table. Yesterday she had sat on the edge of the bed, unintentionally as ever tantalizing him with her nightly routine. Brushing her hair. Removing her jewelry. Moisturizing.
She had a little collection of earrings, those dangly things she didn’t want to find tangled in her hair in the morning. She’d take them off each night, leaving them on the bedside table. The earrings were gone now, the of-late cluttered table looking oddly barren.
He tried to stop himself from opening the closet door and seeing the empty spaces where just yesterday her clothes had resided alongside his, but to no avail. Her dresser drawers revealed a similar void. His heart thumped painfully in his chest.
He wandered back into the living room and noted, somewhere beyond the numbness that was fast settling over him, that the book she had busied herself with for the past week was no longer lying on the couch. He scanned the shelves and nodded grimly when he spotted it.
He vanquished the last faint traces of hope and disbelief in the bathroom. Her small collection of creams and powders and lotions was gone. Her sponges and scrubs had disappeared from the shower. And in the middle of the mirror, in that deep red hue she knew drove him round the bend, was her kiss print.
William pressed his forearms against the mirror, bracing himself against where she had been. His forehead plastered to the mirror, his breath blurred the vision of her lips. He closed his eyes and laid his lips against her ghost. Then he pulled away from the mirror and reached beneath the sink for the window cleaner.
Continued in Chapter 14: Pale Blue Eyes
Now that I've met you
Would you object to
Never seeing each other again
Cause I can't afford to
Climb aboard you
No one's got that much ego to spend
So don't work your stuff
Because I've got troubles enough
No, don't pick on me
When one act of kindness could be
Deathly
-Deathly, Aimee Mann
The call William had been hoping for came a week after their return from the coast. He glanced at Buffy where she sat cross-legged at the living room table, poring over her books, and stood to take the call in the bedroom.
He was silent for a moment when he returned to the living room, taking a seat on the couch behind Buffy. She leaned against his legs, and he ran a hand through her soft curls.
“Wanna take a study break?” he asked. “Could go for a walk, maybe hit the Espresso Pump.”
Buffy looked up at him and nodded. “Good idea,” she smiled. She stood and retrieved her heavy wool sweater from the closet, then slipped a black knit cap down over her ears. William grinned at her before grabbing a scarf and wrapping it securely around her neck.
“You’re bloody adorable, you know that?” he said, dropping a kiss on her forehead. He took her hand in his as they wandered down the street. They walked to the Espresso Pump, talking idly, while William tried to order his churning thoughts.
It wasn’t until they were sitting at a table with their drinks that Buffy called him on his distraction. “What is it?” she said. “I can see the gears turning in your head. You’ll start your hair on fire if you think any harder.”
William took a slow sip of his coffee before responding. “I applied for a position at Reed College in Portland. That’s who called before. I’m one of their final candidates for the job. Should know more in the next month or so. It's a great school, it'd be a good opportunity."
“Oh,” Buffy said tonelessly, staring into her mocha. “Well. Good luck, Will.”
William felt the tension rolling off of her. “I… if I were to get the job, Buffy, I’d want you to come with me. You know that, yeah?”
Her eyes flashed up to his. “I do now,” she said with a small smile, but her face, her body language, remained wary and distant.
“Buffy, love, what is it? I din’t think you’d mind leavin’ Sunnydale. What is there to keep you here?” He reached for her hand; she pulled it away, curled both hands into tight little fists in her lap.
“What happens when you get tired of me?” she asked quietly, her gaze flitting from the table between them to the wall behind him to the street; anywhere but on him. William wasn’t sure he’d heard her right, but then she looked at him with such an expression of dread that his breath caught in his throat.
“That’s not gonna happen,” he said quickly.
“How do you know that? You were with Dru for five years, Will, and you walked away from her pretty damn easily.”
William was suddenly sorry he had initiated this conversation in public. Buffy was fighting tears, and he felt a need to hit something. “You’re. Not. Dru,” he said finally, angrily. “There’s no bloody comparison at all, so don’t even start.”
“I know I’m not,” Buffy whispered.
William leaned forward. “Don’t you see how we fit together, Buffy?” he said fiercely. “I spent my time with Dru trying to be someone I wasn’t. You… I don’t have to pretend with you. I don’t have to lie about who I am to keep your attention. I can be myself, can be the man I want to be. And the only reason it was at all easy for me to walk away from Dru was because of you. You’re exactly who I’ve been waitin’ for my whole life. You’re the one, Buffy.”
Buffy drew in a sharp breath. Her hands shook.
“I can’t make you any guarantees,” he continued. “Life doesn’t work like that, you know that, better’n most, I suspect. All I can tell you is that I love you and I want you and I need you in my life. And I thought you felt the same way.”
Buffy stood abruptly and came around the table to plant herself on his lap. “William, I do. I love you so much that… I love you, Will, and that’s what scares me.”
“What’s so scary, Buffy?” William whispered into her ear. He wrapped his arms securely around her trembling frame.
“Everyone I love leaves me, one way or another. And I don’t want to think about the day you leave me, too.” She had stopped fighting tears; they were all pouring out of her in a silent flood.
“Not gonna happen, kitten.” William pressed his lips to her throat, ran his mouth up her neck to her jaw. “I’m not goin’ anywhere,” he promised.
Buffy nodded. “Take me home, Will,” she said hoarsely. “Take me home and make love to me. Please. I need… I need to feel you.”
William kissed her very gently and wiped the tears from her cheeks. Then he took her hand in his and led her home.
***
“William?”
“Buffy?”
She shifted in his arms and rested her chin on his chest. William craned his neck to meet her eyes. “You’d really want me to move to Portland with you?”
William sighed and pulled her up his body till they were nose to nose. He twined his fingers in her hair. “Don’t want to be anywhere you’re not, sweets,” he said quietly. “I just want to be with you. Whether that’s here, Portland, or Timbuktu, it doesn’t matter to me. If you want to stay in Sunnydale, that’s what we’ll do.”
Buffy smiled and stroked her little hand down the side of his face. “You were right,” she said. “There’s nothing keeping me here, other than you.”
William wrapped his arms around her and buried his face against her throat. He felt her fingers scratching through his hair and down his neck. Her hands gripped his shoulders and he pulled back to see her shining eyes. “I adore you, Buffy,” he whispered.
“I know exactly how you feel,” she whispered back.
***
William spent Buffy's birthday spoiling her. The day started with breakfast in bed and continued with William dropping her at the spa for a day of pampering. He picked her up hours later and was pleased to see her looking relaxed and refreshed.
He wrapped the day up with dinner at the same French restaurant they had gone to on their first date. Buffy feigned surprise when he ordered wine for both of them.
"What happened to not supplying me with liquor?" she teased. "I'm going to start thinking you're a bad influence, with the contributing to the delinquency of a minor and all that."
William smiled. "Think that only applies if you're under eighteen, kitten," he said. "'Sides, it's a special occasion."
"Oh, right," Buffy said. "That doesn't mean you're not a bad influence, though." She took a sip of her wine. "Mmm, this is good."
Towards the end of the meal, he glanced at Buffy and caught the contemplative expression in her eyes. "What're you thinking about, love?"
"Hmm?" she said absently. "I don't know... about the first time we came here, I guess. How different my whole life is since then."
"Different in a good way, right?" he asked.
Buffy scoffed. "Nah, this whole deal sucks. Wish I were still living in that crappy apartment and working at the Doublemeat. You really screwed up all my grand plans, Will. Way to go."
William grinned. "Sorry 'bout that. How can I make it up to you?"
Buffy got that glint in her eye that William loved, but they were interrupted by the waitress coming to clear their dishes and ask if they wanted dessert. William didn't have to look at Buffy to know she straightened up attentively at the mention of chocolate.
It was over dessert that William worked up the courage to say the one thing he'd been trying to get out all night. "Buffy," he said very seriously, taking her hand in his, "I want you to know that I love having you in my life. There's nothin' better than waking up to your beautiful face every morning and goin' to sleep with you in my arms every night. If you'd let me, I'd spend the rest of my life makin' you smile, because nothing makes me happier than seeing you happy.”
He fumbled in his jacket pocket for the ring box, popping it open and setting it on the table between them. The diamond and sapphire setting sparkled in the low lights. “Buffy, will you... will you marry me?"
William glanced from the ring to Buffy's face. Her eyes were very wide, and her mouth hung open.
"Will," she whispered. The color had drained from her face, and her eyes flew up to meet his. Her hand convulsed in his grip before she pulled away from him.
William's heart sank. Even before she stood up, teetering a little on her high heels, he knew that her answer wasn't going to be the resounding 'yes' he was hoping for.
"I can't... oh, god, I can't breathe, Will," Buffy gasped. "I... I'm gonna..." Whatever she was going to say was lost as she rushed through the dining room and out the door.
William snatched up the ring and hurriedly settled their bill. He collected Buffy's purse and coat, which she'd left behind in her mad dash from the restuarant, and walked on leaden feet to the exit.
Buffy leaned against the wall to the left of the door. Her arms were wrapped around her waist, and her breath came in spurts. She looked at him with wild eyes when he walked silently up to her.
"I'm so sorry, William," she said between panting inhalations.
William leaned against the wall next to her and waited patiently. He draped her coat over her shoulders and rubbed her back gently; eventually her breathing slowed down and she turned to him with a sorrowful look on her face. He let his arms fall to his sides, fists clenched tightly.
"Will," Buffy said, one hand coming up to caress his cheek. "I really am sorry, that's not... I know that's not what you wanted me to say."
William closed his eyes and let his head fall back. He jumped when he felt her press a kiss to his throat.
"I want to say yes," she whispered. "I really do. But... can you understand that this is all a little fast for me?"
He looked down at her. Her earnest face was turned up to him, her tumultuous emotions written so clearly across it. He nodded.
"Say something," Buffy cried. A few hot tears flew out of her eyes. "Please, Will, don't, don't be mad at me. I couldn't stand it."
That broke through the numbness, the buzzing in his ears. He tugged her into his arms. "Shh, kitten," he murmured. "Couldn't ever be mad at you. It's... I'm just... I want you to be mine, Buffy."
She smiled at him through her tears. "Silly man," she said. "I am yours. Heart, body, and soul, I'm yours, William."
He nodded again and pulled her closer.
"Take me home, and I'll show you," she said. "I'm all yours."
***
"Are you awake?" Buffy said very quietly.
"No," William muttered. He squinched his eyes shut tighter when he felt her little fingers dance across his ribs, unerringly finding the most ticklish spots. He squirmed under her touch.
"Yes, you are, you liar," Buffy laughed. "Wanna talk."
William reluctantly opened his eyes. The room was dark, illuminated only by the faint moonlight filtering through the windows. "What d'you wanna talk about, pet?"
"I want to tell you I'm sorry about what happened at the restaurant."
William gripped her shoulders. "You don't need to apologize for that, Buffy."
"No, I really, really do. I know I hurt you, William, and that's not something I ever wanted to do." She ran a hand down his chest and rested it at his waist. Her head fell onto his shoulder as she draped her leg across his pelvis. "You're so good to me, even when I don't deserve it."
William sat up at that and dragged her onto his lap. "Buffy, there’s never a moment you don’t deserve all that’s good. Wish I could get you to believe that." He crashed his lips against hers, kissed her till she was gasping.
***
Buffy was pale and jittery when William collected her following her GED exam. He folded her into his arms. “What happened, pet?” he murmured against her hair.
“It was awful,” she said. “I failed, I know I did.”
William stifled a grin. “Sweetness,” he said, “I’m sure you did a fine job. You studied so hard, and you’re such a smart girl.”
She shook her head against his chest. “No, you don’t understand, it was really, truly terrible. I just kept guessing 'cause I couldn't figure out the answers.”
“Let’s not borrow trouble. You’ll get the results soon and then you’ll know. Till then…” he searched for a distraction.
“Will you take me out for ice cream?” Buffy asked suddenly, sniffling back tears.
William laughed. “This was all a ploy for sweets, wasn’t it?”
"Maybe a little bit?" Buffy said with a wavering smile. "It was a really scary test, though."
William smiled back at her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "C'mon, you can have all the ice cream you want."
***
William came home a few weeks later to find Buffy sitting on the couch in the dark. She looked up, startled, when he came through the door and snapped on the lights. She held an envelope in her hands.
"Buffy?" William said, a little worried. "Is everything okay?"
"Uh, yeah," she said. "My test results came today." She held the envelope out to him.
"What's the verdict?" he asked, sitting down next to her.
"I didn't open it yet," Buffy said quietly. She pressed the piece of mail into his hands. "Will you do it, please? I just... I can't."
"Sure." William pulled her into his arms for a quick hug. She stood and began pacing across the room as he ripped the end of the envelope off and pulled out the paper held within. He scanned the sheet quickly and turned to Buffy, a huge smile creasing his cheeks.
"Buffy, you... god, girl, you didn't just pass, you practically aced the test." He laughed as Buffy let out a whoop of joy and bounded into his arms. "Told ya you’re smart, din't I?"
Buffy grabbed his face in both hands and kissed him soundly. "Thank you," she said.
"For what?" William asked. "You're the one who earned this." He shook the paper at her, and she took it with a trembling hand.
"For believing in me," Buffy said. "For... William, for the million little things you have done for me since the day I met you. If it weren't for you, I don’t even know where I’d be right now." She leaned into him, wrapping her arms around his waist.
William hugged her tightly. "Buffy, I'd do it all again. Told you before, there's nothing I wouldn't do for you. Now, how d'you wanna celebrate?"
Buffy looked up at him with bright eyes. "We're celebrating?"
"It's not every day my girl graduates, is it?" he said, squeezing her a little. "So, dinner, dancing, whatever you want."
***
They spent the night at the Bronze. Buffy danced to every song, and William just tried to keep up. It wasn't hard, considering how damn sexy she looked in her red leather pants and skimpy black halter top. He couldn't keep his hands off her as she shimmied against him on the dance floor. When she pulled him to a dark corner beneath the stairs and wrapped herself around him, he just about lost control and took her right there. With great effort, he managed to keep it to an intense make-out session instead of something that would get them both arrested for indecent exposure.
"We've gotta go," he gasped finally, at the end of his tether when her hot little hands slipped into the waistband of his jeans.
"But we just got here," Buffy pouted. Her hands kept moving south, and her mouth latched onto his earlobe.
"Sweetheart, we've been here for hours, and, gah, if you keep doin' what you're doin', you're gonna be wearing a lot less clothes in about ten seconds."
Buffy almost relented at that; her hands crept marginally closer to safe territory and she stopped doing that thing with her tongue that was driving him bloody mad. "What if I wanna be wearing less clothes?" she said with an innocent expression.
William yanked her hard against his body. "I can take care of that... but let's get outta here first." He barely waited for her nod before tossing her over his shoulder and carrying her out of the club.
***
He woke sometime in the night. It was dark and very quiet. William heard only the rush of the wind around the house. Buffy wasn’t next to him.
William heard the murmur of her voice, but couldn’t distinguish individual words. He rose slowly and stretched a moment before padding naked out of the bedroom. A dim rectangle of light illuminated the hallway outside the kitchen.
Buffy’s words suddenly became clear. “Oh, Dawnie!” Distress laced her tone; the thickness in her voice betrayed impending tears. She breathed heavily. “Baby, don’t cry. Don’t. No, I’m not mad.”
William caught his breath. It seemed like an eternity before she spoke again. “I know. I miss her, too.” Another infinite pause. “I love you.” William heard her cell phone click shut.
He held his breath a moment more. He wavered between barging in on a private moment and darting back to bed to avoid detection. His decision was made for him when he heard Buffy give a tiny sniffle, followed by a long, ragged breath. He took three long strides from the bedroom to the kitchen and stepped through the doorway.
Buffy sat on the black and white checkerboard linoleum, back against the refrigerator and her legs sprawled out bonelessly. She was clad only in his Ramone’s t-shirt. She looked up at him with huge, tear-soaked eyes. “William,” she whispered. Her eyes stayed locked on his as he crouched next to her.
William’s hand trembled as he reached to brush a strand of hair out of her eyes. “Never wanna see you so sad, pet,” he murmured. His thumb rasped across her cheekbone, his long index finger traced the line of her nose. His eyes fixed on her lips for a long moment, then darted back to meet her own wide eyes once more.
“What is… can I…” he stammered. He took a deep breath. “I only want to help you, Buffy. How can I help?”
Her eyes fluttered shut. Both her hands grasped his as he delicately caressed her. She turned her mouth and nose into the palm of his hand and took a great whuffle of a breath. “You’re so kind, Will,” she whispered. “Why are you so kind?” She opened her eyes then and fixed them, gray-green now and intense with emotion, unsparingly on him.
He breathed against her mouth. “You know why!” His lips took hers roughly, but in the next second, he was slowing down, pulling her to him across the floor, his left knee between her open thighs. “You know why, Buffy,” he muttered urgently in her neck. She wrapped her arms around his back, plastered her chest to his and gripped the sharp corner of his shoulder between her teeth. She bit him gently, gave a shuddering sigh, and nodded against him.
“I know, Will.” She grasped his face between her hands and looked him square in the eye. They both held their breath as the moment stretched between them like taffy. Then she kissed him long and hard until they were both wild with it. Mad for each other. He surged against her on the kitchen floor, and she smiled and kissed him again, just the way he liked best.
***
It was dawn when William woke again, to the feel of Buffy pouring herself over him. She was warm and tousled from sleep, and she smelled of him. He could have sworn he purred when she pressed her lips to the base of his throat. She swung her leg over his hip, pressed against him. The curtains were open, and the bare branches outside the window stood starkly outlined against the purpling morning sky. Buffy was framed in the window, a dim shadow moving above him, a cascade of heat and sensation.
It felt like a dream.
William jolted up and reached for the bedside lamp. It came on with a snap and Buffy’s features were illuminated in the soft glow. “Need to see you,” he told her. He couldn't look away from her; he loved how she couldn’t make herself look anywhere but at him.
He let her push him back against the pillows, let her run the show and set the pace. She held his wrists down above his head and teased him with sweet little tastes of her lips, with the way she brushed her bare skin against his. Finally, he could take it no more and pressed his hips upwards. He hissed at the contact; his reward was Buffy’s own reaction. She let loose her grip on him and they came together in a passionate rush.
Buffy sat up against her haunches, her hips magnetized to his. She braced herself with her palms flat on his chest, the heel of each hand pressing down on his sensitive nipples. He gripped her waist firmly with one arm, held her tight and still against him. With his other hand, he reached up to twirl a lock of her long hair around his wrist. The golden rays of the rising sun peeking through his window silhouetted her; she glowed in the nimbus of light.
“Love this hair,” he said abstractedly. His gaze moved from her face to the curtain of her shining curls falling around them. “Love seein’ you like this, Buffy. Love the way you move, love the way you kiss. I love you, Buffy.” He pulled her flat against him and they began moving once more, pushing and grappling. They kissed till he saw spots, then a little bit longer. He could hear her name tumbling helplessly from his lips, a litany of adoration. As they soared over the edge together, she cried out his name, over and over.
When they were still and falling asleep, he felt her mouth caress his ear. “I love you,” she whispered, so softly he could hardly hear. “I really, really do.”
***
The house was dark and empty when he came home that night. He walked through the house, turning on lights and wondering where Buffy was.
The first clue was his bedside table. Yesterday she had sat on the edge of the bed, unintentionally as ever tantalizing him with her nightly routine. Brushing her hair. Removing her jewelry. Moisturizing.
She had a little collection of earrings, those dangly things she didn’t want to find tangled in her hair in the morning. She’d take them off each night, leaving them on the bedside table. The earrings were gone now, the of-late cluttered table looking oddly barren.
He tried to stop himself from opening the closet door and seeing the empty spaces where just yesterday her clothes had resided alongside his, but to no avail. Her dresser drawers revealed a similar void. His heart thumped painfully in his chest.
He wandered back into the living room and noted, somewhere beyond the numbness that was fast settling over him, that the book she had busied herself with for the past week was no longer lying on the couch. He scanned the shelves and nodded grimly when he spotted it.
He vanquished the last faint traces of hope and disbelief in the bathroom. Her small collection of creams and powders and lotions was gone. Her sponges and scrubs had disappeared from the shower. And in the middle of the mirror, in that deep red hue she knew drove him round the bend, was her kiss print.
William pressed his forearms against the mirror, bracing himself against where she had been. His forehead plastered to the mirror, his breath blurred the vision of her lips. He closed his eyes and laid his lips against her ghost. Then he pulled away from the mirror and reached beneath the sink for the window cleaner.
Continued in Chapter 14: Pale Blue Eyes