Solvo
Writing this out now almost seems redundent since the throughts have been swirling around in my head....and might have even been spoken out loud in the car....but this is my attempt to make them coherent. I've been quite distracted recently, from everything. Being a big puddle of unproductivity does me no good, but as I consistently remind people, you have to air out the jumble in your head if you're going to get anything done. It took me longer than usual, typically I know how I feel about something right away, but I've got it figured out now (thank goodness).
Lately how I've felt and what I feel is right have been in conflict. For a very long time I hadn't felt truly in love with someone, that heart-beating-faster I-can't-help-but-smile-at-the-thought-of-you kind of love. I finally rediscovered it this past December and I was truly happy, happier than I'd been in years, to feel that way again. No matter what, I haven't wanted to give up feeling that way, I don't want to go back to pushing my feelings aside, hiding them, fighting them, ignoring them. I want to feel how I feel. That isn't going to change, and despite everything, my feelings haven't changed. How I'm dealing with them has though, and it seems, will continue to change.
So, laying it all out. This person I like has been through a really rough time lately. They are far away, too far to see without some major time and financial investment. I'm not ready for a relationship, neither are they, but that's pretty much where the similar thought process ends. I'm not interested in having relationships of varying degrees with various people, I'm interested in deepening the friendships and the relationships with the people currently in my life (meeting new people and making new friends is fine, but I'm content with those I have now, to be honest). I'm not interested in "enjoying the single life" as I like to put it, I am interested in getting to know a single person well with the hopes that they will be the person I would be with for many years to come. I've done the whole single thing, it was fun while it lasted, I'm over it. I'm not really on the prowl for my next relationship, it'll get here when it gets here, but I'm not at all interested on dating or messing around anymore. His situation is very different, and I would go so far as to say he definitely needs some time to just be single, he hasn't had that sort of freedom in a long time. I understand why we're not at all in the same place (in more ways than one) but those reasons aren't enough....I'm not even sure how to finish that "enough to......" it's just not enough.
After we last saw each other, our conversations were very different from before I visited him. When I got home, we spoke fondly to each other. Made plans to see each other again. Looked forward to talking to each other, even made special efforts to talk often and as realistically as one can through the 'net. We might have been in different places in our lives, and very different places geographically, but we shared many of the same sentiments and expressed those freely and often. We laughed, and joked, and told each other without hesitation or reservation that we cared for and about each other. It was open, without pressure, and just simply comfortable to be happy and honest (at least, that's how I felt). He wondered though, after I got back, if we were just on a high from not having seen each other for so long, and the buildup from anticipating the trip, and the novelty of reconnecting after so long. I told him that my feelings wouldn't fade anytime soon, that I haven't felt like this in a really long time and I couldn't see myself giving it up in the near future, it wasn't just a whim. I asked him the same thing, and the response I got was more along the lines of "who knows what the future has in store". That's a very honest response, and I had hoped that his feelings wouldn't fade.
Now though, our conversations are very different. I don't feel differently right now (but as he said, who knows what the future holds), and I have still been expressing myself the same way, but over the past month, his responses have changed. Now I don't hear the kind words that came so freely, now I don't hear any of the sentiments I express returned. I never expected my full feelings returned. If he had tried to say he felt the same way, I don't think I would have believed him because he is still healing and I don't believe he's capable of trusting or returning these sorts of feelings right now. But that's not what I was looking for when we got back, that's not what passed between us. We simply cared about each other, we were both confident in that, and we were open about it. Now things have changed, he doesn't express any of those thoughts or feelings anymore, he calls it being more realistic than optimistic. He feels similarly for two people. He finds care and comfort and contentment with both myself and another girl, but she is mere hours from him as opposed to my thousands of miles. She is convenient. Her physical company is far more readily available. He's single for the first time in years. They're both responsible adults. He's free to do whatever he likes, and I mean that. Because of how all of this has developed, my dilemma has become, "what am I going to do?". For quite some time, I didn't know. As his feelings and expression of them changed, I became more and more unsure. Today, I was finally able to settle my mind.
I don't like expressing myself to him as I have been anymore. I don't like putting all my cards on the table while he's still trading some in and out to make the best hand possible. I don't like putting my most honest thoughts and feelings out in the open only to have them mutely accepted, ignored, or - with replies like, "have fun with that" have them thrown back in my face. I asked him after he told me that his feelings were strong for two people, if he'd be more comfortable with me backing off, and he said no. That would mean continuing being open and honest and forthcoming with my feelings only to hear nothing resembling them in return - on top of that - is ambivalence towards me is paired with his deepening affection for someone else. My thoughts have been warring with one another. One moment I'll feel that I'm being taken advantage of. I'll feel used for the comfort, encouragment, support, and kindness I show him when I rarely see this reciprocated anymore. Saying things to make me jealous can make for fun banter, but when that's all I hear, I start taking it to heart. I feel like I provide amusement, like seeing my reaction is entertaining, and I resent it. Then I'll think, "It's all in good fun, don't be so serious. He has said that he cares, just trust in that, this will pass. He needs the support right now, he'll get through this and then things will be more equal." Hopefully this is true.
For the time being though, it just doesn't sit well with me that things are so one-sided. I can't keep putting myself out there when his response continues to be "mmm that's nice" or along those lines...or nothing at all. I don't know how else to see what's been going on, if this isn't how he feels, I hope he tells me or finds another way to express what he's thinking because this is how it seems to me. I care about him deeply. I have ever since I met him. I probably always will. I think for now though, these feelings are better kept to myself. I still want to support him and I still want to encourage him, but I have to express it differently. I don't want to be put on the same level as the girl who it's convenient to be with, I want to be seen as someone who's company he truly wants, I think that is a much more meaningful friendship. It doesn't sit well with me that he's pursuing two people equally, even if it's not for a serious relationship
I don't see time and physical distance as huge obstacles for feelings, you should just feel the way you do regardless of where the other person is.
I'm not worried about the past, or the future, or about getting the best option available at the present moment, I just want to feel the way I do and be happy doing so. For now, it seems like the best way to do that is to keep my feelings to myself. I won't lie about them, to anyone who asks (including him) I'll tell them how I feel. I can't volunteer myself like this anymore though. What seems right to me at the moment is that so long as he pursues another who he wants more, or is closer to, or who he's more interested in making plans with, I will keep my feelings to myself and let him do as he pleases. I won't compete with her. I don't want to be on the same level as her, even if that means he thinks of me less.
Lately how I've felt and what I feel is right have been in conflict. For a very long time I hadn't felt truly in love with someone, that heart-beating-faster I-can't-help-but-smile-at-the-thought-of-you kind of love. I finally rediscovered it this past December and I was truly happy, happier than I'd been in years, to feel that way again. No matter what, I haven't wanted to give up feeling that way, I don't want to go back to pushing my feelings aside, hiding them, fighting them, ignoring them. I want to feel how I feel. That isn't going to change, and despite everything, my feelings haven't changed. How I'm dealing with them has though, and it seems, will continue to change.
So, laying it all out. This person I like has been through a really rough time lately. They are far away, too far to see without some major time and financial investment. I'm not ready for a relationship, neither are they, but that's pretty much where the similar thought process ends. I'm not interested in having relationships of varying degrees with various people, I'm interested in deepening the friendships and the relationships with the people currently in my life (meeting new people and making new friends is fine, but I'm content with those I have now, to be honest). I'm not interested in "enjoying the single life" as I like to put it, I am interested in getting to know a single person well with the hopes that they will be the person I would be with for many years to come. I've done the whole single thing, it was fun while it lasted, I'm over it. I'm not really on the prowl for my next relationship, it'll get here when it gets here, but I'm not at all interested on dating or messing around anymore. His situation is very different, and I would go so far as to say he definitely needs some time to just be single, he hasn't had that sort of freedom in a long time. I understand why we're not at all in the same place (in more ways than one) but those reasons aren't enough....I'm not even sure how to finish that "enough to......" it's just not enough.
After we last saw each other, our conversations were very different from before I visited him. When I got home, we spoke fondly to each other. Made plans to see each other again. Looked forward to talking to each other, even made special efforts to talk often and as realistically as one can through the 'net. We might have been in different places in our lives, and very different places geographically, but we shared many of the same sentiments and expressed those freely and often. We laughed, and joked, and told each other without hesitation or reservation that we cared for and about each other. It was open, without pressure, and just simply comfortable to be happy and honest (at least, that's how I felt). He wondered though, after I got back, if we were just on a high from not having seen each other for so long, and the buildup from anticipating the trip, and the novelty of reconnecting after so long. I told him that my feelings wouldn't fade anytime soon, that I haven't felt like this in a really long time and I couldn't see myself giving it up in the near future, it wasn't just a whim. I asked him the same thing, and the response I got was more along the lines of "who knows what the future has in store". That's a very honest response, and I had hoped that his feelings wouldn't fade.
Now though, our conversations are very different. I don't feel differently right now (but as he said, who knows what the future holds), and I have still been expressing myself the same way, but over the past month, his responses have changed. Now I don't hear the kind words that came so freely, now I don't hear any of the sentiments I express returned. I never expected my full feelings returned. If he had tried to say he felt the same way, I don't think I would have believed him because he is still healing and I don't believe he's capable of trusting or returning these sorts of feelings right now. But that's not what I was looking for when we got back, that's not what passed between us. We simply cared about each other, we were both confident in that, and we were open about it. Now things have changed, he doesn't express any of those thoughts or feelings anymore, he calls it being more realistic than optimistic. He feels similarly for two people. He finds care and comfort and contentment with both myself and another girl, but she is mere hours from him as opposed to my thousands of miles. She is convenient. Her physical company is far more readily available. He's single for the first time in years. They're both responsible adults. He's free to do whatever he likes, and I mean that. Because of how all of this has developed, my dilemma has become, "what am I going to do?". For quite some time, I didn't know. As his feelings and expression of them changed, I became more and more unsure. Today, I was finally able to settle my mind.
I don't like expressing myself to him as I have been anymore. I don't like putting all my cards on the table while he's still trading some in and out to make the best hand possible. I don't like putting my most honest thoughts and feelings out in the open only to have them mutely accepted, ignored, or - with replies like, "have fun with that" have them thrown back in my face. I asked him after he told me that his feelings were strong for two people, if he'd be more comfortable with me backing off, and he said no. That would mean continuing being open and honest and forthcoming with my feelings only to hear nothing resembling them in return - on top of that - is ambivalence towards me is paired with his deepening affection for someone else. My thoughts have been warring with one another. One moment I'll feel that I'm being taken advantage of. I'll feel used for the comfort, encouragment, support, and kindness I show him when I rarely see this reciprocated anymore. Saying things to make me jealous can make for fun banter, but when that's all I hear, I start taking it to heart. I feel like I provide amusement, like seeing my reaction is entertaining, and I resent it. Then I'll think, "It's all in good fun, don't be so serious. He has said that he cares, just trust in that, this will pass. He needs the support right now, he'll get through this and then things will be more equal." Hopefully this is true.
For the time being though, it just doesn't sit well with me that things are so one-sided. I can't keep putting myself out there when his response continues to be "mmm that's nice" or along those lines...or nothing at all. I don't know how else to see what's been going on, if this isn't how he feels, I hope he tells me or finds another way to express what he's thinking because this is how it seems to me. I care about him deeply. I have ever since I met him. I probably always will. I think for now though, these feelings are better kept to myself. I still want to support him and I still want to encourage him, but I have to express it differently. I don't want to be put on the same level as the girl who it's convenient to be with, I want to be seen as someone who's company he truly wants, I think that is a much more meaningful friendship. It doesn't sit well with me that he's pursuing two people equally, even if it's not for a serious relationship
I don't see time and physical distance as huge obstacles for feelings, you should just feel the way you do regardless of where the other person is.
I'm not worried about the past, or the future, or about getting the best option available at the present moment, I just want to feel the way I do and be happy doing so. For now, it seems like the best way to do that is to keep my feelings to myself. I won't lie about them, to anyone who asks (including him) I'll tell them how I feel. I can't volunteer myself like this anymore though. What seems right to me at the moment is that so long as he pursues another who he wants more, or is closer to, or who he's more interested in making plans with, I will keep my feelings to myself and let him do as he pleases. I won't compete with her. I don't want to be on the same level as her, even if that means he thinks of me less.