The First Day of Winter
So, the entry "I've had enough" from a couple days ago got a lot of questions for people, "are you alright? what was that all about? is everything okay now?" And I briefly explained that is was all a misunderstanding and everything is fine now, but it's kinda apparent, and it always has been, that the situation between me and TJ is touch and go at times. I know he talks about this to a lot of people, and they all generally tell him the same thing "If you can't be with her the way you want to, you shouldn't be as close as you are, either get all the way or back the hell away" sort of opinion. He tells me this too. I always take it kind of hard when I hear this sort of thing. TJ has been my friend for many years, so to have his friends tell him he shouldn't have much to do with me anymore, it hurts considering he's the best friend I've got at the moment, losing him would be like losing a limb. lol, in his terms, he is my Pat, the person closest to me, who knows the most about me, and who really truly and earnestly cares. He asks me how my day is, hardly a day goes by where we don't talk at least once, he remembers what stresses I have in my life and I share my triumphs too.
this may not go both ways, but I am with TJ the way I am with any of my best friends. I've sat with laura in my lap, I give back rubs and foot rubs and barge in on them 24/7. I'm a very physical person, I've always said that, always been that way, you can tell if I don't like someone 'cause I'll never touch them, never stand near them. You can tell who are my friends from how I interact with them, pokes, prods, pinches, all of those things that require touch are an indication of comfort and closeness with me. I feel in a way that if TJ and I didn't act the way we do around each other, I'd lose some of that comfort that's in the atmosphere when he's around, we'd be less of friends, things would be awkward. So many people are telling him this is what he needs since he's so unhappy with the way things are.
I've always just told him, "Do what makes you happy. If you want to hang out and get a footrub, that's cool. If you're sleepy in class, lay down on my desk, I'll take notes. you're sore from taijitsu? take a break, have a backrub so you can get revitalized! don't have the cash on you for dinner? here, I'll pay, you can pay me back. Need shaving cream? let's take you to kroger and stock up on ritz crackers while we're there! " if these little insignificant things make you happy, do it, life is too short to make yourself miserable, there are plenty of other factors out there to do that for you. If things like that are too painful, are too disappointing then don't. Things won't be the same between us, but if that's what you need, if that's what makes you happy, do it. I am the way I am with TJ because that is what makes me happy. I am not going to change how I am to appease anyone. I compromise, I grow, I change on my own, but I don't do it for others. I don't see why anyone else should have to either. Some people fit together, some people don't. And some, after awhile, who didn't fit together might. The point is that I've attempted to back away from him, to try and make things "easier" for him as others have put it. That sucked. a lot. I hated it. I was very -very- upset the entire day. He's tried it too with just about as much success. I've decided I'm just going to be the way I am and not try to act any particular way. I don't care if some people think I'm being selfish for making things harder for TJ, he's my best friend, so dammit I'm going to treat him like one.
this may not go both ways, but I am with TJ the way I am with any of my best friends. I've sat with laura in my lap, I give back rubs and foot rubs and barge in on them 24/7. I'm a very physical person, I've always said that, always been that way, you can tell if I don't like someone 'cause I'll never touch them, never stand near them. You can tell who are my friends from how I interact with them, pokes, prods, pinches, all of those things that require touch are an indication of comfort and closeness with me. I feel in a way that if TJ and I didn't act the way we do around each other, I'd lose some of that comfort that's in the atmosphere when he's around, we'd be less of friends, things would be awkward. So many people are telling him this is what he needs since he's so unhappy with the way things are.
I've always just told him, "Do what makes you happy. If you want to hang out and get a footrub, that's cool. If you're sleepy in class, lay down on my desk, I'll take notes. you're sore from taijitsu? take a break, have a backrub so you can get revitalized! don't have the cash on you for dinner? here, I'll pay, you can pay me back. Need shaving cream? let's take you to kroger and stock up on ritz crackers while we're there! " if these little insignificant things make you happy, do it, life is too short to make yourself miserable, there are plenty of other factors out there to do that for you. If things like that are too painful, are too disappointing then don't. Things won't be the same between us, but if that's what you need, if that's what makes you happy, do it. I am the way I am with TJ because that is what makes me happy. I am not going to change how I am to appease anyone. I compromise, I grow, I change on my own, but I don't do it for others. I don't see why anyone else should have to either. Some people fit together, some people don't. And some, after awhile, who didn't fit together might. The point is that I've attempted to back away from him, to try and make things "easier" for him as others have put it. That sucked. a lot. I hated it. I was very -very- upset the entire day. He's tried it too with just about as much success. I've decided I'm just going to be the way I am and not try to act any particular way. I don't care if some people think I'm being selfish for making things harder for TJ, he's my best friend, so dammit I'm going to treat him like one.