I'm a miserable excuse for a human being.
I did something I never thought I would do today.
I broke up with Yajirobe. I never though I would do that. But...
My parents friends were unable to make it this weekend, so I decided I'd suprised Karin and Yajirobe and go up to the tower today.
No, I must be honest. I wanted to get it over with. Lately, I don't know what it is, but I don't want to go and clean the tower. I don't want to be someone's servant. I know I do that at work, but I do get paid.
So, I went up to the tower, where Karin greeted me as warmly as ever and asked if I was going to make dinner. I said, "I guess so." I know I didn't sound like my usual self. Yajirobe came and greeted me as usual and gave me a kiss, then shuffled off to watch the Food Channel.
We started cleaning. Yajirobe was being particularly messy today, getting chip crumbs all over the sofa and furniture. I know that normally, I find that sooooooo cute, but today, I just... kept getting angry about it. Why are Karin and I working our fingers to the bone so he can be a total slob?
Then, he got up to go into the kitchen for more food, and accidentally knocked over a two litter bottle of soda. He acted like he didn't see it, went into the kitchen, got another bottle of soda and a bag of nachos and went and thunked himself down on the couch.
I admit, I lost it then. I had just scrubbed that floor. So I stood up and yelled, "What the hell do you think you're doing, you slob!"
He looked at me in shock. "What's wrong, babe?"
"You're what's wrong!" I screamed. "You just knocked a bottle of soda on the floor and you don't care! You just expect me or Karin to mop it up!"
"Why not? That's what you usually do." He was really baffled.
I felt something inside me snap. I slammed the scrubbrush I was using in the bucket with such force that half the water slopped on the floor. "Who the hell do you think you are, expecting me and Karin to be your slaves? And speaking of which, since when did I become your slave? Trust me, Karin it isn't a big thrill to clean your tower! I work full time, I'll be going to college. I want to have FUN in my free time and cleaning this tower is NOT FUN!"
Both Karin and Yajirobe were staring at me at this point, as if I had lost my mind. Perhaps I had.
Or, maybe I found it.
Finally, Yajirobe spoke. "What is your problem, babe?"
"My problem?" I yelled. "MY PROBLEM? Look at me! I'm up here cleaning up your messes, cooking for you, DOING YOUR GODDAMNED LAUNDRY! And maybe there are people who do it for my parents and family, but at least they get PAID! What do I get? Thank you Melanie, can you come again, Melanie? Maybe I get a picture of Yajirobe and some GUMMY BEARS, ooooh, how could I be so damned luck?"
They both just were staring at me, mouths open in shock. Finally, Karin said, "What do you want, Melanie?"
"I want a LIFE!" I screamed. "I want to have FUN! I'm 19 years old, I've barely begun to live and I feel like I might as well be DEAD! Yajirobe is my first boyfriend, we should be going out, we should be having FUN! Not sitting up in a tower watching the FOOD CHANNEL all the time while I CLEAN!"
"But that's Yajirobe!" Karin protested. "You've always known that about him."
"I know, but at the beginning... it was okay... now..." I kept stumbling, trying to find the right words. "I'm different. I've changed. I spent all my life as a dumb little girl who dreamed her life away. Now I've tasted life and I want to experience it. I don't want to sit on the sidelines, I want to be in the thick of things! I want to have fun and this is NOT MY IDEA OF FUN!"
"So, what do you want me to do about it?" Yajirobe finally said.
"Nothing," I whispered. "I don't want you to do anything. Because if I try to make you change you'll resent me. It's time we face facts. You and I don't work together. You're settled in your ways, I haven't even found out what my 'ways' are."
"What are you saying?" His eyes got all wide.
"I'm saying I don't want to be your girlfriend anymore," I whispered. "It's not working and the longer I pretend it is, the more upset I'm getting."
He drew in a deep breath and said, "Well, if that's the way you want it."
Karin just kept... looking at me, and shaking his head. I know he thought I was terrible. I don't blame him, I was terrible.
Finally, I turned around and ran out.
I drove home crying. And I'm still crying. I just feel so terrible. Yajirobe was always nice to me, he never did anything to me. And I was stomping all over him.
But I knew if I stayed with him, it would have gotten worse and worse. Lately.. I've been faking a lot of my enthusiasm for him.
I owe him so much. I think if I hadn't met him and dated him, I would still be at home living in a dream world, developing unnatural crushes on famous folks. I would be the old Melanie. He helped me come out of my shell, he helped me to find out who I was.
And I paid him back by outgrowing him. And for that I feel terrible.
I'm giving up this journal too. I can't keep this name. It isn't fair to him. I'm going to make a new one. I think the name Mellanie is open, I'll use that.
I'm so sorry, Yajirobe. I never meant to hurt you.