Pay Day...
And nothing but rent to spend the money on.
Ohhhh well...better to have a roof over my head than to go blow my money on pointless bullshit that I'll never use or that won't make the slightest difference in my life overall.
I WAS thinking, however, of throwing 5 on an L. But nope.
I suppose it's cuz I'm weird. I'm not preppy and bubbley. I'm not pretty...I'm not a risk-taker. I'm boring and odd...so I guess they can't really be blamed.
But I am blaming them...because I was led to believe that I was chill and worthy of hanging out...but apparently not.
I actually kinda made an effort "hey, maybe thurs, you wanna smoke? I get paid, so I can throw in..."
And you know the reply I get..."..."...nothing.
Figures.
At least she didn't even pretend. You know? Like, she pretended like I didn't even say anything in the first place...but at least I didn't get an "I can't" when I KNOW damn well you can.
It sucks cuz it just makes me wanna give up on people. It makes me not even want to try. I just get shut down. And I'm sick of getting shut down. I don't know how many more times I can take it before I'm just not able to start back up again.
I just wanna leave here so bad. Sooooo fucking bad. I'm sick of being a fifth wheel of sorts....I'm sick of just being in the background...just creeping.
I hate that I'm so unimportant that I'm not even introduced to people that I'm being forced to stand around with. It's everything.
I'm sorry people, that I'm not the little white girl that everybody envisions in thier minds. I'm not a happy-go-lucky, stuck-up, conceited, bitchy, rich, bubbley girl. I'm just not. I'm not knocking anyone...because trust me, if I could have it that way, I would, but that's just not me.
I'm sorry if your glove doesn't fit my hand....chances are it never will. But I also know that chances are...you won't accept my chubby little fingers for what they are. Either I'm going to be coaxed to do something about it or just left in the dust. All the signs are pointing at me being left in the dust.
I've been here before. I know what the deal is.
I miss Megan. Fucking alcohol took away my best friend. I could chill with her for days on end, just acting like fools in her room....and it never got old. Nikki too...but she's doing HER own thing....and it's like she's pissed at me cuz we don't chill. I don't go to clubs and all that bullshit. I don't do drugs....that's just not my scene and I can't help if that's what you want to surround yourself with, but I just can't do it.
I love Remie with all my heart...and it sucks cuz it's like he doesn't understand. He's my best friend in the whole world. He makes me whole...but at the same time, I neeeeeed to have another friend. I need a girlfriend to talk to...to hang out with...to be dumb with...to laugh and cry with.
And it just seems like Im never gonna have that again.
I'm scared. Point Blank. I'm very, very afraid of ending up with no one.
Because at this point....who's to say that maybe someday me and Remie don't work out? Then what? Maybe it's selfish, but then so is everyone.
So if there's no Remie....where does that leave me?
Cold and alone.
I'll wind up a crazy old cat lady.
Annd my friends, I do not want that.
Wow, i complain a lot.
Ohhhh well...better to have a roof over my head than to go blow my money on pointless bullshit that I'll never use or that won't make the slightest difference in my life overall.
I WAS thinking, however, of throwing 5 on an L. But nope.
I suppose it's cuz I'm weird. I'm not preppy and bubbley. I'm not pretty...I'm not a risk-taker. I'm boring and odd...so I guess they can't really be blamed.
But I am blaming them...because I was led to believe that I was chill and worthy of hanging out...but apparently not.
I actually kinda made an effort "hey, maybe thurs, you wanna smoke? I get paid, so I can throw in..."
And you know the reply I get..."..."...nothing.
Figures.
At least she didn't even pretend. You know? Like, she pretended like I didn't even say anything in the first place...but at least I didn't get an "I can't" when I KNOW damn well you can.
It sucks cuz it just makes me wanna give up on people. It makes me not even want to try. I just get shut down. And I'm sick of getting shut down. I don't know how many more times I can take it before I'm just not able to start back up again.
I just wanna leave here so bad. Sooooo fucking bad. I'm sick of being a fifth wheel of sorts....I'm sick of just being in the background...just creeping.
I hate that I'm so unimportant that I'm not even introduced to people that I'm being forced to stand around with. It's everything.
I'm sorry people, that I'm not the little white girl that everybody envisions in thier minds. I'm not a happy-go-lucky, stuck-up, conceited, bitchy, rich, bubbley girl. I'm just not. I'm not knocking anyone...because trust me, if I could have it that way, I would, but that's just not me.
I'm sorry if your glove doesn't fit my hand....chances are it never will. But I also know that chances are...you won't accept my chubby little fingers for what they are. Either I'm going to be coaxed to do something about it or just left in the dust. All the signs are pointing at me being left in the dust.
I've been here before. I know what the deal is.
I miss Megan. Fucking alcohol took away my best friend. I could chill with her for days on end, just acting like fools in her room....and it never got old. Nikki too...but she's doing HER own thing....and it's like she's pissed at me cuz we don't chill. I don't go to clubs and all that bullshit. I don't do drugs....that's just not my scene and I can't help if that's what you want to surround yourself with, but I just can't do it.
I love Remie with all my heart...and it sucks cuz it's like he doesn't understand. He's my best friend in the whole world. He makes me whole...but at the same time, I neeeeeed to have another friend. I need a girlfriend to talk to...to hang out with...to be dumb with...to laugh and cry with.
And it just seems like Im never gonna have that again.
I'm scared. Point Blank. I'm very, very afraid of ending up with no one.
Because at this point....who's to say that maybe someday me and Remie don't work out? Then what? Maybe it's selfish, but then so is everyone.
So if there's no Remie....where does that leave me?
Cold and alone.
I'll wind up a crazy old cat lady.
Annd my friends, I do not want that.
Wow, i complain a lot.