Dear Red States...
Dear Red States:
If you manage to steal this election too we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California , Hawaii , Oregon , Washington , Minnesota , Wisconsin , Michigan , Illinois, all the Northeast, and a lot of other nice places inbetween. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of South Nuevo Californianada.
To sum up briefly:
We get stem cell research and the best beaches. You get Texas, Arkansas, and Tornado Alley.
We get the U.N. and the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood and Graceland.
We get Google, Microsoft, and excellent cell phone coverage. You get WorldCom and Verizon.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85% of America 's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get the TVA.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
We get Las Vegas. You do get New Orleans, which we're actually kinda bummed about -- let us know if you need any help when you finally get around to rebuilding it.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families, especially all the new, gay newlyweds. You get a bunch of single moms and deadbeat dads.
Please be aware that South Nuevo Californianada will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, South Nuevo Californianada will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines, 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, 95% of the corn and soybeans (thanks Iowa!), most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, 95% of the tobacco, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes (+/- Florida), 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. Oh, and potatoes and off-shore drilling.
We get Hollywood, Yosemite, and Washington D.C. Thank you.
Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the war, the death penalty, or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
Still, we look forward to building on the close-but-guarded ties that have served us so well the past hundred years or since you last forced this country into a bitter and divisive separation under the pretense of making the world a better place for those you felt were beneath you.
We promise not to turn the Reagan Library (California) into an abortion clinic if you promise not to burn down the Clinton Library (Arkansas). If you really don't want them, we'll gladly take all your gays, Jews, Mexicans, and other "furriners" -- we can always use more culture and diversity.
We do however ask you to be mindful of our common neighbors, the Sovereign and Federated Tribes of Americas; last we knew most of the nukes were controlled out of Cheyenne Mountain. But do let us know if you need a hand with any of your treaty negotiations for Appalachia or the Great Plains -- though losing Missouri, southern Illinois and Ohio, and western Pennsylvania was tough, we think it's worth it. Especially since, you know, not to belabor the point, but they've got the keys to a whole shitload of the nukes now.
But finally, rest assured your schoolchildren will be more than welcome to visit the Smithsonian Museums (Columbia). We especially encourage them to stop by the new Sex Education and Reproduction Health Museum, and the American Imperialism Memorial; and please be sure to have them visit Columbia's new Statehouse while they're there, with its lovely, interactive displays on the histories of taxation without representation, the supression of free speech, and stolen elections.
Peace out,
--Blue States
If you manage to steal this election too we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California , Hawaii , Oregon , Washington , Minnesota , Wisconsin , Michigan , Illinois, all the Northeast, and a lot of other nice places inbetween. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of South Nuevo Californianada.
To sum up briefly:
We get stem cell research and the best beaches. You get Texas, Arkansas, and Tornado Alley.
We get the U.N. and the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood and Graceland.
We get Google, Microsoft, and excellent cell phone coverage. You get WorldCom and Verizon.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85% of America 's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get the TVA.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
We get Las Vegas. You do get New Orleans, which we're actually kinda bummed about -- let us know if you need any help when you finally get around to rebuilding it.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families, especially all the new, gay newlyweds. You get a bunch of single moms and deadbeat dads.
Please be aware that South Nuevo Californianada will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, South Nuevo Californianada will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines, 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, 95% of the corn and soybeans (thanks Iowa!), most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, 95% of the tobacco, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes (+/- Florida), 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. Oh, and potatoes and off-shore drilling.
We get Hollywood, Yosemite, and Washington D.C. Thank you.
Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the war, the death penalty, or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
Still, we look forward to building on the close-but-guarded ties that have served us so well the past hundred years or since you last forced this country into a bitter and divisive separation under the pretense of making the world a better place for those you felt were beneath you.
We promise not to turn the Reagan Library (California) into an abortion clinic if you promise not to burn down the Clinton Library (Arkansas). If you really don't want them, we'll gladly take all your gays, Jews, Mexicans, and other "furriners" -- we can always use more culture and diversity.
We do however ask you to be mindful of our common neighbors, the Sovereign and Federated Tribes of Americas; last we knew most of the nukes were controlled out of Cheyenne Mountain. But do let us know if you need a hand with any of your treaty negotiations for Appalachia or the Great Plains -- though losing Missouri, southern Illinois and Ohio, and western Pennsylvania was tough, we think it's worth it. Especially since, you know, not to belabor the point, but they've got the keys to a whole shitload of the nukes now.
But finally, rest assured your schoolchildren will be more than welcome to visit the Smithsonian Museums (Columbia). We especially encourage them to stop by the new Sex Education and Reproduction Health Museum, and the American Imperialism Memorial; and please be sure to have them visit Columbia's new Statehouse while they're there, with its lovely, interactive displays on the histories of taxation without representation, the supression of free speech, and stolen elections.
Peace out,
--Blue States