...ow...
As i've said in my previous entry, i can't sleep. Yesterday i got home from work around 415am. I was up all day untill about 3pm and i knu i had to be at work at 6pm. Yet i haven't slept at all. Well, maybe i did, about an hour and an 1/2. I ended up callling work asking if i could come in at 7pm instead and they said it would ok. I had a total "don't fuck with me" attitude. Later, i took way too much tylonal PM, about 8 pills and it messed me up. It made me feel good actually. It's effects me like this: i get lightheaded, dizzy and my legs feel like their made of lead. Moving around too fast causes the room to spin. But it feels good anyways. It in away, took away any bad feelings. I couldn't eve think of her at that time. I can still feel the effects even as i type this. I guess i'm tired of the emotional and mental pain. I'd rather feel physical pain. I keep hoping she'd come back, but it seems hopepless. I must be kidding myself. Here they come again...the tears...like always. All i can do is ask why. Why did this have to happen? I was so good to her, i kno i've said things wrong and told ppl about here problems, but i was only thinking of her. Perhaps in away i was bragging that i have a girlfriend after waiting for such a long time. Like 8 long years. I've talked to plenty of girls, i've dated a few, but i was never serious about getting into a steady relationship. But then, a year ago, i found her. The perfect significant other. I've never loved any before until she came along. I still do love her. I couldn't keep that one promise, but the one she asked me to keep, that if i didn't love her anymore i'd tell her. But that hasn't happened yet. I don't want to let go of those feelings either. I kno they cause me pain and that i love her, but she doens't love me back. I remember everything. How we talked to each other both online and on the phone. I believe she really loved me. But why those feelings for me left her, i'll probably never no. I wish i could just die and end this pain, but if i do, i might miss the chance if any of getting back together with her. I will live for her, but also for my friends who care abou me and for myself. Again...the tears flow. I wish she could kno how i feel about her, but she doesn't want me talking to her. If she meant that forever, then she'll never kno that i love her enough to sacerfice my own life to save hers. I love her so~ much, i wish she knu that, she probably wouldn't anyways if she did. I never thought of her as a bad or mean person. I still feel the same about her since July 8th 2001. I don't know what to do, i guess just endure the pain and try not to totaly lose it and end up hurting myself. My only hope relies on another person, perhaps they can convince her that i never meant to hurt her feelings or anything harmful. Maybe then she'd realize that i REALLY do care and love her. But for now, all i can do is wait. But for how long, i dunno. I can't take it much longer...death sounds good right about now. Oh well, i had only one reason to live and now i've lost it. Anyways, take care ya'll.