On Twilight (breaking dawn synopsis/comedy review)
Sooooo....... "Breaking Dawn" apparently just started their last bit of principal photography.... which means they are actually planning on releasing the holy grail of Stephanie Meyers depraved little series...
For those of you who haven't actually read the books (and you can mostly count yourselves lucky... albeit up to "Dawn" their not so..... squelchey....) you might be wondering what i mean about "depraved". See up until "Dawn" the books are mostly harmless... if you can overlook that their glorifying an overly co-dependent relationship between an obviously shit munchingly insane girl (she sees her boyfriend in her mind during the second book when she endangers herself... eventually leading to her attempted suicide by cliff diving) and an exceedingly stalkery/abusive "boy" (he stars at her while she sleeps from a tree outside her window... most likely all the time singing a creepy children's song and rocking back and forth, flicking a switchblade open and shut.).
See all of this light hearted relationship-slash-fucked up love triangle with a werewolf fun changes in "Breaking Dawn" when Meyer drops down a huge sack of her favorite fetishes and just starts... flinging it like monkeys at the zoo when an Austic child comes around....
Some examples? Well to start theirs the near MPREG level fanfiction moment where we learn that apparently Edward's semen has a longer shelf life then uranium 235 (I imagine the taste is about the same too... but you'd have to go to the.... "horses mouth" to get that information... which would probably take about five hours of stammery pause filled conversation...).This comes out after the two main characters have rough abusive sex.... which makes Bella love Edward all the more passionately... (that's right girls... smile and sigh contentedly after your boyfriend beats the ever loving shit out of you during sex.... because otherwise he will EAT YOUR SOUL!) Bella proceeds to become "hyper" pregnant.... due to the fact that Stephanie Meyer apparently read a lot of fan-fics which featured magical MPREG and thought "Hey! I could put this fetishy stuff in my book!"
So already we have some form of twisted magical perverted pregnancy going on along with even more twisted abusive boyfriendlyness heaped on for flavoring... what fetish could she do next? Oh! of course! blood play! Since of course the baby inside Bella needs to "nurse"... because all girls have to eat nothing but formulae and baby safe foods when their pregnant right?... Right?... Anyways.... Bella proceeds to give birth.... in a scene that's something out of aliens (and I might add she completely ripped off from another vampire fiction writer by the name of Poppy Z Bright who had the whole "vampire would eat a human woman from the inside out" idea years before but actually went through with it.)
Now we come to probably the most perverted moment in the story.... while Edwards chowing down on his brides Uterus... (ick...) Jacob comes charging up to kill him for hurting Bella/changing her.... when he sees the naked two second old, blood soaked semi-fetal child of his lover cradled in Edward's fathers arms (bless me but I am not going to look up how to spell his name....) Jacob instantly gets a hard on for the blood drenched five second old... plunging the story into depths of perversion not seen outside of the US senate floor.
So... .let's review the final book shall we?
Pedophilia? Checkity check!
Blood sport? Ohhhhh Check!
Rough sex with no consequences? You better believe we got a Check!
Impossible pregnancy leading to a magically fast birth? Oh yes indeedy doo we got another Check!
Angsty co-dependent borderline psychotic love affair? Oh yeah! Check a rooney!
Quality literature and or complex sentence structure?.... I'm sorry but this is sadly no where to be found.... Twilight is just a teeeeeeensy bit above fanfiction quality in writing. This makes the literacy posters I pass by with the movie stars oh so hilarious. I can't believe they post those in schools with a straight face.
For those of you who haven't actually read the books (and you can mostly count yourselves lucky... albeit up to "Dawn" their not so..... squelchey....) you might be wondering what i mean about "depraved". See up until "Dawn" the books are mostly harmless... if you can overlook that their glorifying an overly co-dependent relationship between an obviously shit munchingly insane girl (she sees her boyfriend in her mind during the second book when she endangers herself... eventually leading to her attempted suicide by cliff diving) and an exceedingly stalkery/abusive "boy" (he stars at her while she sleeps from a tree outside her window... most likely all the time singing a creepy children's song and rocking back and forth, flicking a switchblade open and shut.).
See all of this light hearted relationship-slash-fucked up love triangle with a werewolf fun changes in "Breaking Dawn" when Meyer drops down a huge sack of her favorite fetishes and just starts... flinging it like monkeys at the zoo when an Austic child comes around....
Some examples? Well to start theirs the near MPREG level fanfiction moment where we learn that apparently Edward's semen has a longer shelf life then uranium 235 (I imagine the taste is about the same too... but you'd have to go to the.... "horses mouth" to get that information... which would probably take about five hours of stammery pause filled conversation...).This comes out after the two main characters have rough abusive sex.... which makes Bella love Edward all the more passionately... (that's right girls... smile and sigh contentedly after your boyfriend beats the ever loving shit out of you during sex.... because otherwise he will EAT YOUR SOUL!) Bella proceeds to become "hyper" pregnant.... due to the fact that Stephanie Meyer apparently read a lot of fan-fics which featured magical MPREG and thought "Hey! I could put this fetishy stuff in my book!"
So already we have some form of twisted magical perverted pregnancy going on along with even more twisted abusive boyfriendlyness heaped on for flavoring... what fetish could she do next? Oh! of course! blood play! Since of course the baby inside Bella needs to "nurse"... because all girls have to eat nothing but formulae and baby safe foods when their pregnant right?... Right?... Anyways.... Bella proceeds to give birth.... in a scene that's something out of aliens (and I might add she completely ripped off from another vampire fiction writer by the name of Poppy Z Bright who had the whole "vampire would eat a human woman from the inside out" idea years before but actually went through with it.)
Now we come to probably the most perverted moment in the story.... while Edwards chowing down on his brides Uterus... (ick...) Jacob comes charging up to kill him for hurting Bella/changing her.... when he sees the naked two second old, blood soaked semi-fetal child of his lover cradled in Edward's fathers arms (bless me but I am not going to look up how to spell his name....) Jacob instantly gets a hard on for the blood drenched five second old... plunging the story into depths of perversion not seen outside of the US senate floor.
So... .let's review the final book shall we?
Pedophilia? Checkity check!
Blood sport? Ohhhhh Check!
Rough sex with no consequences? You better believe we got a Check!
Impossible pregnancy leading to a magically fast birth? Oh yes indeedy doo we got another Check!
Angsty co-dependent borderline psychotic love affair? Oh yeah! Check a rooney!
Quality literature and or complex sentence structure?.... I'm sorry but this is sadly no where to be found.... Twilight is just a teeeeeeensy bit above fanfiction quality in writing. This makes the literacy posters I pass by with the movie stars oh so hilarious. I can't believe they post those in schools with a straight face.