(no subject)
I'm stuck in the airport because of a stupid delay, so I figure blogging to get something off of my chest is the best thing to do.
I saw Mike for the first time in over two years on Wednesday. I wish I could say it was awesome, but it wasn't. It was just way too hard for me. That's not to say that he did anything overly horrible or anything, not Wednesday at least. It was just hard. Too hard. Maybe it was that we wound up meeting right in the same areas where we used to spend all of our time together. Maybe it was that I'm an overly dramatic fool that can't let go to save her own life. Maybe it was something else. I just don't know.
My drive back from Baltimore to New Jersey (I was home for a few days) was pretty horrific. I honestly don't know how I made it back in one piece. He was kind enough to call and check to see whether or not I made it home safely. He said he thought that I had been mad at him the whole time. No, no. I was just trying to keep myself from doing anything stupid, trying to set boundaries or whatever. Maybe I was trying way too hard. I don't know.
What I do know is that I just can't do this. So, after days of trying to find another way, I called him just now. I asked how San Diego was (he moved yesterday). I tried to make small talk. I tried to say what I was thinking but couldn't quite get there. I kept saying I didn't know what to do, and he was just like "stop worrying," and then he had to go. But the thing is, I'm always going to worry. The thing is, I just don't know how it got this way.
But what I do know is that, since I couldn't say it, I sent him a message to say that I just can't be his friend. And then I deleted him from my facebook and myspace. If only it were that easy in real life.
Out of all of the people who have supposedly been close friends of mine, people that I thought I could count on and trust, he was the one that I honestly never thought I'd really lose. Sure, there were some pretty awful moments, but I've always believed deep down that things would work themselves out. He was there for me more times than pretty much anyone. The problem is, when I opened myself up to caring about him, trusting him, needing him...whatever...I made it so that he could hurt me more times and in more ways than anyone. And oh, he did. Without even honestly trying. I never, ever wanted him out of my life. I deluded myself into thinking that I could be "just friends," that I could honestly live with that.
But it's just too damned hard. I don't see how this is really going to be any easier. I'm always going to wonder how he is, what he's up to. I'm always going to be worried about him. I'm always going to wonder how and why this all happened. I'm always going to regret the missed opportunity. But at least this way, he won't have me hanging on and holding him back from living his life. Maybe at least this way, I won't be deluded into thinking that he's still going to be the hero in mine.
I don't want to hear that people are proud of me, or that they feel bad for me, or anything. I just had to get this off of my chest and figured this would be an easy way. There's nothing to be proud of when it comes to giving up. There's nothing to feel proud of when it comes to denying something that you have believed in for so many years and through so many struggles. There's nothing to feel proud of when you lose a friend. And yet here I am. No one needs to feel bad for me because I already feel bad enough for everyone...
I don't even know whether I'll be able to stick to this, or if it's even the right decision. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
EDIT: ...and then after all of the flight delays and such, I chickened out and sent him friend requests in the middle of the night when I was still up, chatting with Dorkus. I lasted a good few hours. Wow, pathetic.
I saw Mike for the first time in over two years on Wednesday. I wish I could say it was awesome, but it wasn't. It was just way too hard for me. That's not to say that he did anything overly horrible or anything, not Wednesday at least. It was just hard. Too hard. Maybe it was that we wound up meeting right in the same areas where we used to spend all of our time together. Maybe it was that I'm an overly dramatic fool that can't let go to save her own life. Maybe it was something else. I just don't know.
My drive back from Baltimore to New Jersey (I was home for a few days) was pretty horrific. I honestly don't know how I made it back in one piece. He was kind enough to call and check to see whether or not I made it home safely. He said he thought that I had been mad at him the whole time. No, no. I was just trying to keep myself from doing anything stupid, trying to set boundaries or whatever. Maybe I was trying way too hard. I don't know.
What I do know is that I just can't do this. So, after days of trying to find another way, I called him just now. I asked how San Diego was (he moved yesterday). I tried to make small talk. I tried to say what I was thinking but couldn't quite get there. I kept saying I didn't know what to do, and he was just like "stop worrying," and then he had to go. But the thing is, I'm always going to worry. The thing is, I just don't know how it got this way.
But what I do know is that, since I couldn't say it, I sent him a message to say that I just can't be his friend. And then I deleted him from my facebook and myspace. If only it were that easy in real life.
Out of all of the people who have supposedly been close friends of mine, people that I thought I could count on and trust, he was the one that I honestly never thought I'd really lose. Sure, there were some pretty awful moments, but I've always believed deep down that things would work themselves out. He was there for me more times than pretty much anyone. The problem is, when I opened myself up to caring about him, trusting him, needing him...whatever...I made it so that he could hurt me more times and in more ways than anyone. And oh, he did. Without even honestly trying. I never, ever wanted him out of my life. I deluded myself into thinking that I could be "just friends," that I could honestly live with that.
But it's just too damned hard. I don't see how this is really going to be any easier. I'm always going to wonder how he is, what he's up to. I'm always going to be worried about him. I'm always going to wonder how and why this all happened. I'm always going to regret the missed opportunity. But at least this way, he won't have me hanging on and holding him back from living his life. Maybe at least this way, I won't be deluded into thinking that he's still going to be the hero in mine.
I don't want to hear that people are proud of me, or that they feel bad for me, or anything. I just had to get this off of my chest and figured this would be an easy way. There's nothing to be proud of when it comes to giving up. There's nothing to feel proud of when it comes to denying something that you have believed in for so many years and through so many struggles. There's nothing to feel proud of when you lose a friend. And yet here I am. No one needs to feel bad for me because I already feel bad enough for everyone...
I don't even know whether I'll be able to stick to this, or if it's even the right decision. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
EDIT: ...and then after all of the flight delays and such, I chickened out and sent him friend requests in the middle of the night when I was still up, chatting with Dorkus. I lasted a good few hours. Wow, pathetic.