(no subject)
okay first for some back ground information if you didn't already know my Dad & my Mom had resently gotten divorced since, my father has been a mess doing more drugs then I can think of, or possibly he just doesn't mind us know now? Anyways yes this is embarressing but I don't give a fuck I figure the only people wasting there time to read this care enough about me not to care, if they do, fuck off. So I guess my Dad is shit broke now, and I know it's because all his money goes to drugs. My house is disgusting it's the messiest thing I've ever seen it honestly disgustes me, & it takes alot to do so. And I have just started to realize how much I dislike him & the way he is. Our car rides are so silent aside from my music playing which all he does is complain about so most of the time he gets mad & turns it off. In intention of avioding a fight I ignore it and listen to sound of the wind pass through the krack in the top of the broken window. Every once in awhile he mutter something about me being a bitch or something, I ignore again, because I've grown to realize how pointless the fights are & if I stick up for myself i get no where except maybe called a "fucking bitch" & him ending up telling me he's right b/c he is the parent. So now to get on with the story. Resently a family member/really close member of teh family passed away [my fathers best friend, though I believe somehow he's part of the family..maybe?]. So he has been worse then ever. Yesterday he goes to the wake, calls me, tells me he'll be home at 8 & to make sure Nick & I eat something. I have nothing in the house that isn't well past the date on it, so it's a hard thing to accomplish. He comes home at about 12 the drunkest I think I have ever seen him. When he comes in the room I'm on the phone with Gab laughing & having a good time as usually. He gets mad because I don't ask how the wake was, when in all honestly I don't really give a shit because I'm pissed off he's home 4 hours late & disgustingly drunk. I just get up & walk away as he complains about me being a bad child & ignore him while I continue to talk to Gab. He wabbles to my brothers room, falling into the wall every third or fourth step he takes. He opens my door, pops his head in enough for me to see only his red puffed eyes that he can barely keep open & the rest of his face. And says "Is it that hard to ask 'how was the wake' I mean I don't see whats so hard about that 'how was the wake'" repeating himself until he thinks he has gotten across, he says "fuck you, bitch" & I finally answer with "Is it that hard to come home sober at the time you said?". He replies with his normal "fuck you" this time no bitch, surpising. Yet he slams the door, thinking I should care, though it's already broken from the numerous amounts of him slamming it. I still continue my conversation pertending nothing happened. About 30 minutes later Gab had to go, though I wished to talk to her long I knew I couldn't aviod him forever. By now its about maybe 12:30-1 and I'm not the least bit tired considering the normal time I go to sleep is 4ish. So I walked downstairs as quiet as I can be figuring he's already passed out on his bed, or well, hoping. I couldn't watch the TV in my room because I had broken in a fight or well after a fight with him in intentions of getting out my anger. Remembering the only un-broken clicker in the house was in either his room or my brothers, I don't dare to go upstairs to check which one. I simply use the cabel box, after about 15 min. of trying to figure it out I get Six feet under to play, the one show I actually enjoy watching, it's wonderful & makes my problems seem like nothing. So I'm watching the show & about 15 minutes into my Dad comes down. He stumbles into the kitchen, opens the refridgerator, asks if I want a taco & laughs [he finds it really funny me being a vegetarian and all when he asks me to ate me] I look at him and look back to the TV. He makes his taco making sure to leave every single thing he had used on the counter. He sits down on the other side of the couch. Chewing & breathing so loadly I honestly couldn't hear my show but again in hopes of avioding a arguement I ignore it & pretend to watch my show. After accouple minutes he says "You're staying here tonight" [I'm supposed to be staying at my moms] I say "I know" he says "how?" I say "my Mom called" he says "'kause she has nothing better to do" & I say back "no b/c she's a good parent" he snaps back with his normal comment "fuck you, bitch". I tell him I'm probably sleeping out, knowing I most likely would have no where to sleep anyways. He asks me not to b/c he has to go to the funeral & I have to watch Nick, I ignore his request, knowing I wouldn't be sleeping out anyways. He repeats himself about 3 times until finally I say "okay I'll see whats going on". He finishes his taco, leaving the plate & all remains on the couch next to him, disgusting [me, later cleaning it]. He grabs a blanket & lays down. I look at him oddly and say "what are you doing?". He replies bakc with "sleeping", I look over at him, knowing he only wants to piss me off & I say "fine" so I figure I'll try to be nice so I turn the TV off and go to go up the stairs. He looks me in the eye and says "Why do you hate me?" I aviod answering the question directly & replay with "I was turning the TV off so you can sleep." He says "leave it on I want to watch it" I give him a weird look & turn the TV back on. He knows I hate him & I'm glad, I just want to him to understand why, yet I'm too much of a pussy to tell him. So I go upstairs get six feet under to play fast forwarding it to the part before he had come down. I'm only up here for 15 before he comes back [I was in his room b/c like I said my TV didn't work] so he looks at me and says "I want my phone" now I'm pissed to I say angrely "it's downstairs on the couch, wtf are you doing" he says "I want to sleep in my bed, go to get my phone" I say "you were just right next to it!" he says "so, i want it, go get it" I figure getting his phone would & watching TV downstairs would be alot easier then fighting so I say "fine!" turn the TV off run downstairs & get his phone. When I come back up he asks for the clicker too I just say "fuck you" & shut the door & turn the light off, he didn't say anything rude back because he knew I was only trying to be nice. I go downstairs, start six feet under over. When it ended a horrible feeling came over me, I wanted it to last so much longer. I watch accouple more movies then diside I should try & get some sleep I lay in bed for an hour or two just thinking. Alot of people have been annouying me lately and getting me mad but like with my Dad I do my best to stay quite to aviod a fight & appoligizing where I shouldn't be. Honestly I have a feeling that with out gab I would not be alive right now, I owe my whole life to her, along with my other close friends. And I understand that this whole thing my be pathedic but hey I needed somewhere to say it. And you may be thinking "eh thats not even that bad" I don't care I didn't say it was. But hey if you took the time to actually read this go ahead & comment even if you don't have a live journal, it would be cool for you to comment. And thank you so much for actually reading this, it is mostly pointless but you're concern about me makes me feel so much better. Oh yeah and I'd like to add that most of the time I'm the hugest asshole. So, have a wonderful night.