Dec 14, 2008 06:42
Bump into a series of problems lately... I guess the main culprit is my mind...
I don't want to make excuses... But the recent stress that was imposed on me, seems a little too much to take... Financing the flat... Doing 2 persons' job with 1 person's time at work... Mum's consistent nagging that I shouldn't get a flat with Dad... Dad's nagging why the flat is taking so long...
I am sorry for all the unhappiness that arose with my presence and my weak mind...
Locked myself up in the study room for a good 6 hours yesterday... Didn't leave the room until my maid informed me that a call came through for me through my home phone at around 8pm...
Gushes of memories flowed into my mind within that 4 walls while I endure a pain in me that is indescribable...
I don't know if the word 'pain' is adequet in describing that feeling, but that's the closest word I can find in my pool of vocabs.
I just know it felt terrible... It's a kind of uncertain feeling... Insecured, Confused, Angry, Depressing, Uselessness all mixed into one. I wanted so much to bring the pain out of me, turn it into some physical pain, so at least I can REALLY feel it... And at least... The wound can heal...
Well, now I can feel the pain on my forehead when I touch it... No bruises, but I can feel it at least... That actually made me feel a little better... Cause I know that pain will heal and go away...
During that 6 hours which felt like 6 days... I looked out of the window, down the 8 storey, I suddenly had a question in my mind... "should i?"
Eventually, I didn't...
There's a lot of expectations of me that I have not fulfilled...
My Dad is expecting me to get the flat application done so he can move in soon...
My Mum is expecting me to quickly finish my NS and get a job so I could help her with her expenses...
My Elder Sis is expecting me to get my flat soon and move out of her flat asap...
My Younger Sis is expecting me to finish my NS and help my Mum with her expenses, so she can stop working and enjoy life...
My Elder Bro? Maybe he's the only one who is expecting me to take the plunge yesterday...
Of course, I have things that I still look forward to in life... my only pillar in life...
Your Hugs...
Your Kisses...
Your hands around my shoulders...
Your palms on my palms...
Your pat on my back...
Your words of concern...
Your assurance that you're mine...
I'm determined to make some changes in my life...
First, I need to see a psychiatrist... I need to set things right... I am starting to see the need... But before that... I need to find the courage to take the step ahead to see one...
For now... Let me learn how to be a better other half... I'm diligently reading all your blog entries since your first post... Give me time to tweak myself... To change... I wanna be the best you've ever had... The one for the rest of your life...