and for the first time

[xxyourhollywood]

In my whole entire life I'm not even exaggerating when I say
I feel like the most guarded person in the whole world.

Almost as if I could be involved in an tragic airplane explosion
and end up being the only survivor.

I'm weirded out about exactly what was admitted last night.
I guess I'm not as okay with it as I make myself out to be.

Someone, I forgot who, was talking about how they don't understand
Boy friends or girlfriends. If they don't plan on marrying them or something along those lines.
But, what if I have a friend. Who I want to be my friend.
But really, for ever. And what if I'm scared ridiculously that this person will change their mind.
And not want to be my friend anymore.
I mean, it's happened before.

What would I do?
I can't even comprehend it.

I'm completely torn between myself, my radio, and my friends.

I've lost so many really good friends this year
It's pretty pitiful.
Who am I blaming?
Myself. For what?
Blaming myself.
I've always been the first to apologize.
For my whole entire life.
And when I'm not, like this year.
I throw it all away.

So If I wouldn't have blamed myself in the FIRST place.
I'd be ----

What am I complaining for?

I mean really.

This world is SO ugly.

But...

Isn't it beautiful?

I'm stupid.

But I think I'm happy with where I am.

Please don't leave me.