(no subject)
WARNING: EMO RANT LIES AHEAD
This has been BY FARRRR the worst new years I have ever had in my life. I spent it in my truck, by myself, bawling. I watched him speed away in his car, leaving me 5 minutes before the new year. That was probably the worst feeling in the world looking in the rear view mirror seeing him speed off and not even look back.
ALLLLL I wanted was for this new years to be happy. I wanted to spend it with my "best friend" cuz I knew that 2007 was going to be incredibly different for us. But instead, he left me there crying and by myself.
When she came over my stomach dropped. I felt all light headed and like I was going to vomit. And then he had her sit next to me. It took everything I had inside not to slap the bitch. And then when she was on the phone saying she was going to bring some guy friends to a party, I knew she was talking about Nick. I exploded inside. Whatever was left of my heart completely dissipated. I went outside so no one would see how upset I was. He knew I was out there. He knew I was crying. He didn't even come see if I was okay. He was too busy walking her out to her car. I don't think I have ever felt this low in my life.
I didn't go to bed til 7 this morning. I just laid there in bed for about 6 hours thinking. I kept having these horrible images flash in my head. All of them involved Nick and me or Nick and Jenna. I even visioned them having sex while I was standing next to them bawling and he didn't even care. And another one, just as I was falling asleep so it was half dream half image... of us standing by my truck and him stabbing me in the heart and then leaving. I don't know how I could dream up something so horrid, but maybe cuz that is how my heart feels.
I don't know what to do. I love him so much and I CAN'T get myself to get over him. Probably because I don't want to. I want to see him happy, and I know I can make him happy... but he doesn't want me. He made it clear last night.
John told me that it is time for me to take care of myself. I know he is right but honestly, it has been so long since I have done that that I don't think I know how to anymore. I feel dead inside.
What a way to start the new year. Cheers 2007. I hope that New Years wasn't a preview of what is to come for me... cuz if it is... I want nothing to do with it.
This has been BY FARRRR the worst new years I have ever had in my life. I spent it in my truck, by myself, bawling. I watched him speed away in his car, leaving me 5 minutes before the new year. That was probably the worst feeling in the world looking in the rear view mirror seeing him speed off and not even look back.
ALLLLL I wanted was for this new years to be happy. I wanted to spend it with my "best friend" cuz I knew that 2007 was going to be incredibly different for us. But instead, he left me there crying and by myself.
When she came over my stomach dropped. I felt all light headed and like I was going to vomit. And then he had her sit next to me. It took everything I had inside not to slap the bitch. And then when she was on the phone saying she was going to bring some guy friends to a party, I knew she was talking about Nick. I exploded inside. Whatever was left of my heart completely dissipated. I went outside so no one would see how upset I was. He knew I was out there. He knew I was crying. He didn't even come see if I was okay. He was too busy walking her out to her car. I don't think I have ever felt this low in my life.
I didn't go to bed til 7 this morning. I just laid there in bed for about 6 hours thinking. I kept having these horrible images flash in my head. All of them involved Nick and me or Nick and Jenna. I even visioned them having sex while I was standing next to them bawling and he didn't even care. And another one, just as I was falling asleep so it was half dream half image... of us standing by my truck and him stabbing me in the heart and then leaving. I don't know how I could dream up something so horrid, but maybe cuz that is how my heart feels.
I don't know what to do. I love him so much and I CAN'T get myself to get over him. Probably because I don't want to. I want to see him happy, and I know I can make him happy... but he doesn't want me. He made it clear last night.
John told me that it is time for me to take care of myself. I know he is right but honestly, it has been so long since I have done that that I don't think I know how to anymore. I feel dead inside.
What a way to start the new year. Cheers 2007. I hope that New Years wasn't a preview of what is to come for me... cuz if it is... I want nothing to do with it.