This is my current foresight.
I hate the way things are going.
Right now, everything seems so fucking bleak that its sickening.
I have no idea why Im so depressed these past 48 hours. But my attacks seem to be lessening in number, and increasing in severity. Why cant something come without a fucking side effect that youll have to stick too and live with?
I have grown to hate bitching like this. Cause I know thats what this is. Its me having a hissy fit. I feel 8 again. And guess what, that makes me feel a whole lot worse. This cycle never seems to end.
I talked with my Aunt for a bit, and learned about how I may have inheritted my depression through my father, which skipped his generation, from their father. Hated hearing that. Makes me want to blame him, but it isnt his fault at all. For some reason, when I look for someone to blame, I always come back to myself. Ill try and justify blaming someone else, and my ever so tedious logic works its way through that. I end up pointing figners and the only target is me. I really need to seek some fucking help. I was so stupid to stop going. And even more idiotic to have stopped taking my pills. But again, I had no control over losing my health benefits, so I cant blame anyone. But then I come back again too blaming me, I was the one that quit my job. Granted I would have been arrested for murder if I stayed, but at least Id have been making more money, and I would have been able to keep taking my pills.
I still feel the weight of guilt, even though my own logic tells me to feel different.
My Aunt did help. Having someone to relate too that knows exactly how you feel... and someone so much older, but able to relate to you like your own best friend. She is so fucking great, that she gives me a reason to keep drawing breath.
Ive got enough to hold me in this life. Why cant I live with my own contentment.
Why??
Right now, everything seems so fucking bleak that its sickening.
I have no idea why Im so depressed these past 48 hours. But my attacks seem to be lessening in number, and increasing in severity. Why cant something come without a fucking side effect that youll have to stick too and live with?
I have grown to hate bitching like this. Cause I know thats what this is. Its me having a hissy fit. I feel 8 again. And guess what, that makes me feel a whole lot worse. This cycle never seems to end.
I talked with my Aunt for a bit, and learned about how I may have inheritted my depression through my father, which skipped his generation, from their father. Hated hearing that. Makes me want to blame him, but it isnt his fault at all. For some reason, when I look for someone to blame, I always come back to myself. Ill try and justify blaming someone else, and my ever so tedious logic works its way through that. I end up pointing figners and the only target is me. I really need to seek some fucking help. I was so stupid to stop going. And even more idiotic to have stopped taking my pills. But again, I had no control over losing my health benefits, so I cant blame anyone. But then I come back again too blaming me, I was the one that quit my job. Granted I would have been arrested for murder if I stayed, but at least Id have been making more money, and I would have been able to keep taking my pills.
I still feel the weight of guilt, even though my own logic tells me to feel different.
My Aunt did help. Having someone to relate too that knows exactly how you feel... and someone so much older, but able to relate to you like your own best friend. She is so fucking great, that she gives me a reason to keep drawing breath.
Ive got enough to hold me in this life. Why cant I live with my own contentment.
Why??