(no subject)
Author: Rachel
Title: As Long As It Takes
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 27,880~
Summary: There was a common thread that held the entire world together, a singular thought that infiltrated most minds more often than not until it reached fruition. Everyone had someone that was out there in the world waiting for them, someone they were destined to spend the rest of their lives with, and Blaine Anderson was no exception. Meeting his soul mate was a moment he'd been dreaming of and imagining ever since he was old enough to know he had one. It was a moment that he anticipated replaying over and over again in his mind -- that first moment when he'd known. No matter how much he'd thought about it, read about it, dreamed about it, nothing could have prepared him for the actual moment itself.
Author's Note: Written for the Blaine Big Bang. Thanks to slayerkitty for throwing this idea my way, whenidance for being my amazing beta, and animateglee for making such incredible art for it, which can be found throughout the story.
[ Previous]
All Blaine could do was stare after the train as it disappeared down the tunnel, the last car out of sight long before he was able to take his eyes away. He felt like he was being torn apart inside, because he knew that Kurt was the person he'd been looking for and he was gone. Kurt was gone and Blaine had no idea how to find him, and what might have been worse was that Kurt didn't want to be found by him. Blaine couldn't imagine why Kurt would have thought he had been lying about what he'd said, because he couldn't imagine why anyone would lie about something so important and that was held so sacred. He knew they were still just strangers to each other so why should Kurt have believed him? Except he should have because he was the one and surely that must have meant that he'd felt something.
Blaine was half-certain that he could still feel tingles in his fingertips from where they'd touched Kurt's skin - soft, warm - when they'd shook hands. He could still feel that phantom pang in his heart, that tug that had happened right when they'd touched for the first time and he'd known, beyond any doubt whatsoever, that the man standing in front of him was the one he was supposed to be with for the rest of his life.
What he couldn't figure out was what had happened on the other end. That wasn't how it was supposed to work, that was the whole point of soul mates - two people destined for each other meant that there were two of them headed on the same path, two who would feel those feelings for each other and only each other. He'd felt it, so much more vibrant and emotional than had ever been described in books or stories, but was left trying to figure out what Kurt had felt. Had he felt anything at all? Nothing in his reactions had made it seem like he had, but then again all Blaine could register was the anger, the panic, the negative words and emotions being thrown at him when he'd been on such a high from his own much more positive ones.
There he stood, alone and abandoned on the subway platform, struggling to find a way to make his feet move. Maybe if he knew where to go it would have been easier, but he had no idea what to do. That was the problem, because he'd been working toward that one moment for so long and the fact that it had passed in a way he never could have envisioned was what had him standing still. What was there to do? He'd spent his entire lifetime waiting for that moment, spent hour sitting there in the station knowing it was going to happen and that it was going to happen there because he had no other clues to go from other than that one day, and there he was, right where he was supposed to be, after the moment he'd been waiting for, and he didn't know what to do next.
It wasn't until the next train pulled in, some minutes later he was sure but he'd long lost track of time passing while he stood there, and people started crowding around him to get through the doors - doors that were right in front of him and opening to let the passengers out who pushed past him in an attempt to get out of the way, that he moved. The jolt of someone bumping into him made him look up, as if somehow that person would have been Kurt again, but it wasn't. There wasn't any way for it to have been him. They were separated and Blaine didn't know how to find him again when he'd gotten on a one way train away from the one place he associated with him, the one place where he knew he'd been.
Blaine murmured an apology to the person who'd run into him, knowing he'd been incredibly in the way and not making it easy for anyone in that area to get to where they needed to be, before shifting the strap of his bag on his shoulder and finally making himself move, following the crowd away from the platform and toward the exit. He didn't know where he should go, because he was sure he should stay right there since there was a chance Kurt might come back - maybe he lived nearby and it was his station, since he'd come in there to catch the train - but he knew he had to at least get to the street level because there was absolutely no cell phone reception down beneath the streets and there was a phone call he had to make.
It took four attempts, but Blaine was persistent, standing huddled right at the top of the stairs leading down to the station and pressing his phone hard against his ear to be able to hear it ringing over the loud noise of the city. He gripped the strap of his bag with his free hand as he pressed the button to redial with each redirect to voicemail, because it wasn't something he could just leave in a message that he hoped got listened to at some point - he needed to talk right then in that moment and it wasn't something that could wait. He couldn't wait.
"Hey, Squirt!" Blaine couldn't feel even a glimmer of annoyance at the nickname his brother refused to stop calling him, because Cooper had finally picked up his phone and was there for him to talk to and he needed to talk to him.
"Coop, I don't know what to do." He closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath, because his voice had come out much more desperate than he'd imagined possible, pitching upward and sounding so wrong. There was only so much going on that he could control and he'd thought that at least his voice would be included in that but the evidence suggested otherwise. "Please."
"What's wrong?" Cooper asked, all teasing from his greeting gone from his tone, and Blaine could hear the background noise on his brother's end of the line cut off, like he'd shut himself in a room away from anyone else. Blaine wanted to find someplace quiet, someplace where he could sit and talk to him without having to deal with all the loudness of New York City, but he couldn't get any further away from the subway station. He knew he couldn't, because just the thought of not knowing where Kurt was and leaving the one place he could associate with him made his throat ache and his stomach twist into knots.
"I found him, Cooper," Blaine answered, swallowing quickly to try and relax his throat so it didn't feel like he was going to cry with how much it was aching and tense. "I found him."
There was a moment of silence on the line, almost like Cooper was giving himself that time to believe what Blaine was saying was true, and that quiet in Blaine's ear seemed to last forever compared to the time ticking away on his watch.
"You did? Blaine, that's great! Well why are you calling me? Did you..." Cooper voice pitched lower, which didn't help Blaine be able to hear him amidst the horns honking on the street next to him, but he almost wished he flat out hadn't been able to when he actually heard what Cooper was asking. "Did you need advice on what to do? Because I mean, I know some things but I've never done any of them with another guy, so..."
"Cooper, no! Stop!" Blaine practically shouted, because he didn't want to hear where that particular train of thought was going, and he also needed his brother to shut up long enough to listen. "I found him, I did, but he- he's gone- he got on the subway and went away-"
"Blaine..." He could hear it in Cooper's voice, that moment that he knew what was happening. That was the reason Blaine had called him, because he was the one person Blaine could think of who knew what he was going through. Cooper had gone through it and come out fine on the other side, so Blaine had hope, but in his head were still the lingering moments of Cooper in the hospital, sallow, unconscious, unresponsive, nearly not alive because of what had happened - what was happening right then to Blaine. "Oh, Blaine."
"Don't 'oh, Blaine' me, just tell me what to do!" The panic was back, the panic he'd felt down on the platform when Kurt had accused him of lying and he could feel his future start to slip away, but it was so much worse than it had been because it was actually happening. "Cooper, please, you had this happen and you were okay, you're okay, you know what to do..."
"Blaine, there wasn't anything I could do, that was why I ended up at the hospital," Cooper replied, his tone clearly attempting to be soothing but Blaine could hear the fear behind his words. That only made the panic rushing through him get worse, because Cooper was scared. Cooper was scared that he was going to end up in the hospital, that he might die, and Blaine could hear it all in the undertones of his words. "Listen to me, I don't know where you are, but you have to be careful. You need to keep track of time. Do what you need to do but set an alarm or something so you know exactly when you're getting close to the danger zone, if you do, so you can get to where you need to be."
It wasn't until Cooper mentioned time that Blaine even realized he hadn't looked at his watch or the clock on his phone the entire time. He let go of his bag and wriggled his wrist to get the sleeve of his coat up so he could see his watch, staring at the face and trying to think about how long it had been since he first talked to Kurt, since they'd bumped into each other and shook hands, since he'd felt that overwhelming feeling of this is it. Truthfully, he had no idea, but he tried to estimate it and even estimate it poorly so he was guessing too early, so he would have extra time in case he actually did have to go to the hospital. He hoped he didn't, not just because that meant he would be sick, but because he just really wanted to find Kurt and to help him believe.
"Okay, okay, I... I'll keep an eye on the time."
"Good, you - I'm just asking, don't get mad, but you're sure, right? You're sure this guy is it? This isn't just an 'oh he's cute I would totally spend the rest of my life with him' thing, is it?"
"Cooper."
"I said don't get mad!" Cooper admonished, and Blaine could tell he was partially trying to lighten the mood for both of them because they both knew what was coming otherwise. "Listen, I'm just saying that before I met Anna, I saw lots of girls that I wouldn't have minded being paired up with, if you know what I mean..."
"Of course I know what you mean, it wasn't exactly subtle-"
"Blainey," Cooper interrupted, and his tone was back to being at least somewhat serious, which Blaine appreciated because he felt like it needed to be taken seriously. "Tell me about him. What's his name?"
"Kurt," Blaine answered immediately, fingers curling tighter around his phone as a wave of people came up the stairs from the subway and he turned away slightly so he wasn't facing into them from where he was standing. "He's... tall. Well, taller than me-and shut up, not everyone is taller than me- and his voice was like... it was beautiful. I could have stood there and listened to him talk all day because it was just so perfect. We barely did, though, and some of the stuff he said... I wouldn't have wanted to hear that again, but... maybe I could deal with it if I just got to look at his eyes because Cooper they were just so gorgeous, I can't even try to tell you what color they were because they were just so much..."
"Ooo..."
"Shut up," Blaine grumbled at him, but it wasn't without a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, because he knew Cooper wouldn't be teasing if he didn't care. That was the other reason that he'd called his brother - not just because he had the experience that Blaine was scared he was going to have himself, but because he genuinely would have wanted to know in the first place. "He's... well... I saw him I felt like if I wanted to, I could fly, as long as he was there with me."
"That's it, right there," Cooper said in a gentle tone, the contentment clear in his voice as he sighed softly. "That's exactly what it is, Blaine. You'll find him, or he'll find you. I don't know what happened but I don't want to waste your time, so you can just tell me later - after tomorrow, but I'll have my phone on if you need anything else before then. Good luck, Squirt."
"Thanks, Coop. I'll talk to you then."
There was only a slight reassurance that settled over Blaine after he hung up and tucked his phone back into his pocket, having quickly set an alarm for the next day in case things ended up taking an even bigger turn for the worse and he wasn't able to find Kurt. He was trying to focus on the little moments of positivity that he'd gotten from his brother, how he'd seemed optimistic there at the end that it was going to work out for Blaine to call him after everything was sorted out and he and Kurt were fine. That was part of what he'd been hoping to get from calling him - that little bit of hope infused back into his life. Cooper may have been ridiculous, and difficult to deal with on some days, but he had a good heart and Blaine knew he could count on him to be there when he needed him.
All Blaine could think of to do was to go back down into the subway station and wait, because he had nowhere else to go. Going home would take him far away, and school wasn't an option either. There was only place he knew of Kurt to be and it was down there, so he had to work with what he had. What was one more day of sitting on a bench and waiting? At least he knew what he was looking for, knew he could rely on the feelings swelling up inside of him to let him know when something was about to happen. That was why he turned around at the top of the stairs, looking down them for a long moment before starting to descend, trying to ignore the pit in his stomach and how everything else inside of him felt like it was starting to twist and knot in on itself. He had to try, and he had nothing else to go on, so he had to try just by being there.
Sitting down on his usual bench was a completely different experience when he knew exactly what he was waiting for - who he was waiting for. Blaine couldn't focus on the work he'd brought with him anymore, not when he could feel time ticking by both slowly and way too fast all at the same time. Every minute he sat there seemed to last forever, the longest minute of his life that far because he was alone and he knew he shouldn't be, but also the fastest because it was another minute wasted without Kurt and there was only so much time before something bad happened because of it. He tried to keep himself from thinking about the possibility of something bad happening but his mind refused to shut it out.
It was just that he had the example so clearly in his head, because he'd seen it happen. Blaine knew it had been years before, and that Cooper was fine and well and happy, but that didn't change the fact that it happened in the first place. Cooper hadn't been fine, or well, or happy, or anything but sick. He'd been suffering heartbreak and the one thing Blaine had told himself from that moment forward in life was that he wasn't going to let that happen to him. He was going to be smarter than Cooper had been, pay better attention, not let himself get lost in the moment and let it slip by, and that was what he'd told himself. In the end, it hadn't mattered what he'd said, how he'd approached any of it, because he was sitting there alone.
Blaine had known that his brother wouldn't have been able to give any real advice when he'd called, because what was there to say? They both knew that there was only so much that could be done in that situation, because trying to chase someone down when he had no idea where they'd gone sounded near impossible. He'd just needed to hear that familiar voice, that reminder that even if things didn't go as planned, he could still make it out okay. That was why he stayed there, because it was the one place he knew to be, and it didn't matter how many trains went whooshing past him or how many people walked by, he was going to stay there as long as he needed to in case Kurt came back.
There was that hope, that he would. Blaine had seen how scared Kurt looked, but maybe once he'd been on that train heading away from him, he'd realized what had happened. Maybe Kurt had realized that Blaine hadn't been lying when he'd said what he did, realized that he'd been feeling those emotions that they'd been told about since before they could even really understand what they were supposed to mean. Blaine knew that he didn't understand why Kurt had gone, and maybe Kurt didn't understand why Blaine had been saying what he had, but the point was supposed to be that they could grow together and through that the understanding would come.
They were strangers -but everyone was strangers.
It was one of the parts that Blaine had always found so intriguing and beautiful because it was almost always going to be a stranger. There was the occasional and very rare instance where people weren't, but he had only ever heard of that once - two people who had grown up being friends and then once they both came of age, the first time they saw each other, it had been like fireworks that had been waiting to go off their entire lives. He'd thought that was beautiful, too, but there was something about getting to meet someone and just knowing from that very first instant that they were the one - like with Kurt.
That was the part that was intriguing, because here was this brand new person that he wanted to know everything about and all he had was a first name. Blaine knew there would be time, because they had the rest of their lives - that was, unless their lives were cut short because of how their first meeting had gone so poorly and they never got the chance to make it right. He wasn't trying to think about that possibility, though, because he had to keep focused on the positive. The positive was Kurt - the lightness that had been in his eyes there at the beginning, the warmth from his hand when it had been in Blaine's, the way his coat had looked so soft and cozy, how his jawline had been so sharp but at the same time soft because his skin was so fair.
The positive was that Blaine was going to get to spend the rest of his life learning what made him tick. He was going to learn who his favorite author was, favorite food, ice cream flavor, whether he preferred summer to winter or autumn to spring. What was the movie he could watch over and over without ever growing tired of it? What was the most played song in his music library - and what music did he have in there that was a secret from most because it was that much of a guilty pleasure? How did he get his hair to swoop up like that so perfectly and still look like it would be soft to touch despite the fact that there was obviously a fair amount of product in it to keep it from falling? There were so many questions that Blaine was sure he might pop, but it wasn't as though he didn't have time. He had it, he believed he did, and so he had to think he could get the answers to all of them at one point or another.
He had time, but the problem was that he was running on a clock that was ticking so loudly he didn't know what else to focus on.
Blaine sat on that bench, not moving, not working, not able to do anything but sit and wait. He had his headphones in to keep people from bothering him, a tactic that was tried and true and usually worked well enough, but his playlists would keep running out and he wouldn't notice for the longest time before realizing all he could hear was the sound of the underground and nothing else. There were no melodies to keep him occupied, none that he noticed above the others when the music actually was playing, so even that didn't give him distraction or solace as he sat vigil.
It was hours upon hours like he'd never been there before, on a constant ride of the roller coaster between hope and despair because despite his want to believe that everything would work, the nagging thought that it might not would enter his mind. That was the problem with having no ability to focus on something tangible, because he would have loved to be able to pull out of one of his books and read while he sat, but the one time he tried it resulted in him reading over the same paragraph at least fifteen times before he realized he still didn't know what it said. The book had been quickly shut and put back in its place inside his bag, hope in that distraction completely lost.
The knots twisting at his insides didn't leave the entire time, seeming to get worse the longer he was there, to the point where Blaine thought his internal organs might start ripping themselves apart. That was what it felt like they were gearing up to do, after all. He wondered what that would be like, which one would go for the other - whether his appendix would even come into consideration since it didn't really do anything in the first place. That was the moment when Blaine thought he might have actually gotten delusional because he was dreaming up battles and wars between the organs inside him, and he made himself get up and stretch his legs for a few minutes by pacing next to his bench and keeping from curling up and potentially making them twist together more.
He didn't leave all night, and staying awake was a lot easier than he thought it was going to be. Then again, it would have been difficult to fall asleep with his mind so active in its musings and worries, with how the pain and panic kept spreading the longer he was there. He knew it wasn't because he was there, it was because he was there and Kurt still wasn't. The early morning hours were the worst, because there were less things to try and attempt to distract himself - less people around, fewer trains running because of the lack of interest, and no more people busking and drawing him out of his thoughts even for the briefest moment when they would start up and make him lift his head to see what was happening.
Kurt didn't come back during the night, and he didn't come back in the morning, and by the time the alarm on Blaine's phone went off - and he was lucky it had done so at all since the battery was almost completely run down - he had all but abandoned hope for Kurt even have existed in the first place.
The ringer on the alarm blared into his ears through his headphones that had been tucked there for hours without him taking them out, without him even listening to anything to give them a reason to be there, and Blaine glanced down to see the screen as he swiped his thumb across it to turn the alarm off. He'd almost hit snooze, a habit from his mornings, but if there was ever a time he had to pay attention to his alarm and stick by it, it was right then. It wasn't an alarm for him to wake up, for him to get out of bed, it was the one that Cooper had told him to set because just in case he didn't find Kurt, things were going to get rough and he needed to try and be ahead of it. That was what he had to do.
Blaine got up from the bench, legs stiff and feeling heavy from lack of use, and he stretched out a little to try and get his body to cooperate. It was difficult, because everything felt worlds worse than it had before, and even more so since he'd gotten up. His heart felt heavy and like it was going to weigh down his chest to the ground, or drop from his ribcage and down through his feet because his chest wasn't able to support the weight anymore. Everything hurt in him and each step felt like slow torture, like he was walking closer to his fate with every movement, but he couldn't just stay there and sit because that would be resigning himself to what was happening even worse than what he was actually doing.
Hailing a taxi had never been more difficult or important, and as soon as he was it with the door closed, all Blaine could manage to do was tell the driver where to take him before falling silent and trying not to curl up into a ball against the backseat. "Hospital, I need to go to the nearest hospital..."
It wasn't an uncommon occurrence, he supposed, and while he was thankful for it in that moment it was sad overall. How many times did taxi drivers get someone in their cab for the same reason? He had to hope that people would be smart, like Cooper had taught him to be, and plan for the worst case scenario and know what to do, but he wasn't sure. Cooper hadn't known, he'd just been lucky that someone who had been around had noticed and called for an ambulance. Blaine would have called 911, but his phone was almost dead anyway and the taxi had been right there whereas an ambulance would have taken too long.
Maybe that was why the taxi drivers were so good at navigating when they needed to be - none of the dilly dallying and wasting time to drive up the fares - because despite the fact that it was New York City and the traffic would always be bad, Blaine could tell from where he was slumped back against his seat that they were moving faster than he would have expected. His taxi driver didn't want him to die there in the back of his cab. If they were breaking laws and almost causing accidents in order to get to the hospital quicker, he had no idea and he didn't want to know, he didn't care, he just knew he had to get there because being out in the regular world and knowing what was coming was even more terrifying than seeing Kurt get on that train and leave. It was more terrifying because it meant he might not ever get to see him again.
Blaine had never had reason to go to a hospital in the entire time he'd lived in the city, so he couldn't have said for sure which one was closest to him or even where the one he ended up was, but it didn't matter because he got there fast enough and barely managed to dig his wallet out of his pocket to pay the driver before the door was being pulled open from the outside and people were helping him out of it and into a wheelchair to make it inside. It was all so much a blur, the process of getting into the building and them trying to get the information they needed out of him, but he knew at some point he'd just handed them his wallet and phone because at least then they would have his information and a way to find the people they might need to contact.
Beyond that, he didn't know what happened, he just knew every part of his body was in pain and he could barely focus on anything long enough to answer anything they asked because his mind was refusing to cooperate. It had focus on one thing and one thing only, the one person that mattered in the world because without him it didn't mean anything.
"Kurt, I need Kurt..."
There was no recollection of being taken to a room, being set up in a bed, but Blaine found himself there anyway. All hospitals had that special wing where no one hoped to end up (though most people preferred to stay out of any and all parts of a hospital, but that wing in particular was the most feared of all) and that was exactly where he'd ended up. He felt ridiculous being there and laying down in bed, looking up at the ceiling when his eyes cooperated and would let him open them, but he doubted he could have moved if he'd tried. It had been difficult enough to get to the street, to the taxi, and he hadn't been on his feet since he'd gotten in the cab. He didn't know if he'd be able to stand, should he attempt it.
Maybe that was the one thing that was scarier than the thought that he might not see Kurt again - that he was stuck there in that bed, paralyzed by the agony in his chest, the complete ache of his heart as it felt like it was tearing itself into pieces, and he couldn't do anything to stop it.
It occurred to him in a fleeting, barely there thought that his parents didn't know. With Cooper they'd known, they'd been there, but Blaine hadn't even mentioned a word to them since that first feeling and there was the possibility they might not ever know. He squeezed his eyes shut purposefully to try and keep that thought from floating through his mind again, because it felt like one of the few ways anything could get worse. Cooper would have called them, he was sure, because Cooper may have been hopeful for him but he wasn't an idiot. If Cooper had called they would know about Kurt, and then the hospital had his phone so if they went through it to find his emergency contacts then his parents would know he was there. He wasn't sure he wanted them there with him, but he couldn't stand the thought of them not even knowing and then him being gone.
You'll find him, or he'll find you.
Blaine kept repeating Cooper's words in his head because they were like a mantra for him to focus on instead of everything else that was trying to scare him into submission. The words ran through his mind over and over, intermingled with all the good parts he could remember from his few moments with Kurt - before the panic had hit either of them, before Kurt had thought he was lying and booked it out of there on the train. He could remember the exact color of his eyes, the way they'd been so full of apologies for running into him even though Blaine hadn't cared in the first place and cared less when he'd seen who it was. If he thought hard enough, he could start to map out the freckles that dusted across Kurt's cheeks and nose, and all he could think about when he saw those was how much he wanted to trace his fingers across them, to spend hours memorizing their exact pattern and maybe even trying to count them.
Between Kurt's freckles and eyes, and the little section at the front of his hair that had been lighter than the rest in the way it swooped up from his forehead and stayed so impeccable even when he was walking quickly through a crowd of people who'd no doubt been jostling him as he'd passed, Blaine had enough to focus on with Cooper's words to keep him from feeling entirely like he was coming crashing to the ground so hard and fast that there was no way he wasn't going to break into a million pieces.
Falling asleep was like torture, because Blaine didn't want to sleep for fear of not waking up. He knew he hadn't slept in over a day and his body might have wanted him to, but his body was also screaming for him to move, to leave, to try and find who he'd lost. His mind had the upper hand in that battle, because he knew he couldn't. He couldn't move, he couldn't leave, and he definitely couldn't try to find Kurt because of both of those reasons. Lying there in that bed made him feel the most defeated he’d ever been in his entire life, because it felt like giving up. Everything about it felt like he'd given up after trying so hard in the best ways he could.
That was why he'd been sedated so he could sleep - well, that and the pain that had been keeping him from being able to slip off into slumber.
It was a restless sleep, full of dreams that verged into nightmares. Kurt was there in them, in every single one, and the story varied slightly each time but it always ended the same. Maybe they met in a coffee shop, or at college, or in a park, or anywhere else in the world, the possibilities flying through his mind while he slept were endless, but no matter where they met and started talking, it would always end with Kurt walking away and Blaine not being able to catch up. He would run after him but it was never enough before Kurt would disappear around a corner, or through a door, or anywhere, and Blaine wouldn't be able to find him again.
[ Next]
Title: As Long As It Takes
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 27,880~
Summary: There was a common thread that held the entire world together, a singular thought that infiltrated most minds more often than not until it reached fruition. Everyone had someone that was out there in the world waiting for them, someone they were destined to spend the rest of their lives with, and Blaine Anderson was no exception. Meeting his soul mate was a moment he'd been dreaming of and imagining ever since he was old enough to know he had one. It was a moment that he anticipated replaying over and over again in his mind -- that first moment when he'd known. No matter how much he'd thought about it, read about it, dreamed about it, nothing could have prepared him for the actual moment itself.
Author's Note: Written for the Blaine Big Bang. Thanks to slayerkitty for throwing this idea my way, whenidance for being my amazing beta, and animateglee for making such incredible art for it, which can be found throughout the story.
[ Previous]
All Blaine could do was stare after the train as it disappeared down the tunnel, the last car out of sight long before he was able to take his eyes away. He felt like he was being torn apart inside, because he knew that Kurt was the person he'd been looking for and he was gone. Kurt was gone and Blaine had no idea how to find him, and what might have been worse was that Kurt didn't want to be found by him. Blaine couldn't imagine why Kurt would have thought he had been lying about what he'd said, because he couldn't imagine why anyone would lie about something so important and that was held so sacred. He knew they were still just strangers to each other so why should Kurt have believed him? Except he should have because he was the one and surely that must have meant that he'd felt something.
Blaine was half-certain that he could still feel tingles in his fingertips from where they'd touched Kurt's skin - soft, warm - when they'd shook hands. He could still feel that phantom pang in his heart, that tug that had happened right when they'd touched for the first time and he'd known, beyond any doubt whatsoever, that the man standing in front of him was the one he was supposed to be with for the rest of his life.
What he couldn't figure out was what had happened on the other end. That wasn't how it was supposed to work, that was the whole point of soul mates - two people destined for each other meant that there were two of them headed on the same path, two who would feel those feelings for each other and only each other. He'd felt it, so much more vibrant and emotional than had ever been described in books or stories, but was left trying to figure out what Kurt had felt. Had he felt anything at all? Nothing in his reactions had made it seem like he had, but then again all Blaine could register was the anger, the panic, the negative words and emotions being thrown at him when he'd been on such a high from his own much more positive ones.
There he stood, alone and abandoned on the subway platform, struggling to find a way to make his feet move. Maybe if he knew where to go it would have been easier, but he had no idea what to do. That was the problem, because he'd been working toward that one moment for so long and the fact that it had passed in a way he never could have envisioned was what had him standing still. What was there to do? He'd spent his entire lifetime waiting for that moment, spent hour sitting there in the station knowing it was going to happen and that it was going to happen there because he had no other clues to go from other than that one day, and there he was, right where he was supposed to be, after the moment he'd been waiting for, and he didn't know what to do next.
It wasn't until the next train pulled in, some minutes later he was sure but he'd long lost track of time passing while he stood there, and people started crowding around him to get through the doors - doors that were right in front of him and opening to let the passengers out who pushed past him in an attempt to get out of the way, that he moved. The jolt of someone bumping into him made him look up, as if somehow that person would have been Kurt again, but it wasn't. There wasn't any way for it to have been him. They were separated and Blaine didn't know how to find him again when he'd gotten on a one way train away from the one place he associated with him, the one place where he knew he'd been.
Blaine murmured an apology to the person who'd run into him, knowing he'd been incredibly in the way and not making it easy for anyone in that area to get to where they needed to be, before shifting the strap of his bag on his shoulder and finally making himself move, following the crowd away from the platform and toward the exit. He didn't know where he should go, because he was sure he should stay right there since there was a chance Kurt might come back - maybe he lived nearby and it was his station, since he'd come in there to catch the train - but he knew he had to at least get to the street level because there was absolutely no cell phone reception down beneath the streets and there was a phone call he had to make.
It took four attempts, but Blaine was persistent, standing huddled right at the top of the stairs leading down to the station and pressing his phone hard against his ear to be able to hear it ringing over the loud noise of the city. He gripped the strap of his bag with his free hand as he pressed the button to redial with each redirect to voicemail, because it wasn't something he could just leave in a message that he hoped got listened to at some point - he needed to talk right then in that moment and it wasn't something that could wait. He couldn't wait.
"Hey, Squirt!" Blaine couldn't feel even a glimmer of annoyance at the nickname his brother refused to stop calling him, because Cooper had finally picked up his phone and was there for him to talk to and he needed to talk to him.
"Coop, I don't know what to do." He closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath, because his voice had come out much more desperate than he'd imagined possible, pitching upward and sounding so wrong. There was only so much going on that he could control and he'd thought that at least his voice would be included in that but the evidence suggested otherwise. "Please."
"What's wrong?" Cooper asked, all teasing from his greeting gone from his tone, and Blaine could hear the background noise on his brother's end of the line cut off, like he'd shut himself in a room away from anyone else. Blaine wanted to find someplace quiet, someplace where he could sit and talk to him without having to deal with all the loudness of New York City, but he couldn't get any further away from the subway station. He knew he couldn't, because just the thought of not knowing where Kurt was and leaving the one place he could associate with him made his throat ache and his stomach twist into knots.
"I found him, Cooper," Blaine answered, swallowing quickly to try and relax his throat so it didn't feel like he was going to cry with how much it was aching and tense. "I found him."
There was a moment of silence on the line, almost like Cooper was giving himself that time to believe what Blaine was saying was true, and that quiet in Blaine's ear seemed to last forever compared to the time ticking away on his watch.
"You did? Blaine, that's great! Well why are you calling me? Did you..." Cooper voice pitched lower, which didn't help Blaine be able to hear him amidst the horns honking on the street next to him, but he almost wished he flat out hadn't been able to when he actually heard what Cooper was asking. "Did you need advice on what to do? Because I mean, I know some things but I've never done any of them with another guy, so..."
"Cooper, no! Stop!" Blaine practically shouted, because he didn't want to hear where that particular train of thought was going, and he also needed his brother to shut up long enough to listen. "I found him, I did, but he- he's gone- he got on the subway and went away-"
"Blaine..." He could hear it in Cooper's voice, that moment that he knew what was happening. That was the reason Blaine had called him, because he was the one person Blaine could think of who knew what he was going through. Cooper had gone through it and come out fine on the other side, so Blaine had hope, but in his head were still the lingering moments of Cooper in the hospital, sallow, unconscious, unresponsive, nearly not alive because of what had happened - what was happening right then to Blaine. "Oh, Blaine."
"Don't 'oh, Blaine' me, just tell me what to do!" The panic was back, the panic he'd felt down on the platform when Kurt had accused him of lying and he could feel his future start to slip away, but it was so much worse than it had been because it was actually happening. "Cooper, please, you had this happen and you were okay, you're okay, you know what to do..."
"Blaine, there wasn't anything I could do, that was why I ended up at the hospital," Cooper replied, his tone clearly attempting to be soothing but Blaine could hear the fear behind his words. That only made the panic rushing through him get worse, because Cooper was scared. Cooper was scared that he was going to end up in the hospital, that he might die, and Blaine could hear it all in the undertones of his words. "Listen to me, I don't know where you are, but you have to be careful. You need to keep track of time. Do what you need to do but set an alarm or something so you know exactly when you're getting close to the danger zone, if you do, so you can get to where you need to be."
It wasn't until Cooper mentioned time that Blaine even realized he hadn't looked at his watch or the clock on his phone the entire time. He let go of his bag and wriggled his wrist to get the sleeve of his coat up so he could see his watch, staring at the face and trying to think about how long it had been since he first talked to Kurt, since they'd bumped into each other and shook hands, since he'd felt that overwhelming feeling of this is it. Truthfully, he had no idea, but he tried to estimate it and even estimate it poorly so he was guessing too early, so he would have extra time in case he actually did have to go to the hospital. He hoped he didn't, not just because that meant he would be sick, but because he just really wanted to find Kurt and to help him believe.
"Okay, okay, I... I'll keep an eye on the time."
"Good, you - I'm just asking, don't get mad, but you're sure, right? You're sure this guy is it? This isn't just an 'oh he's cute I would totally spend the rest of my life with him' thing, is it?"
"Cooper."
"I said don't get mad!" Cooper admonished, and Blaine could tell he was partially trying to lighten the mood for both of them because they both knew what was coming otherwise. "Listen, I'm just saying that before I met Anna, I saw lots of girls that I wouldn't have minded being paired up with, if you know what I mean..."
"Of course I know what you mean, it wasn't exactly subtle-"
"Blainey," Cooper interrupted, and his tone was back to being at least somewhat serious, which Blaine appreciated because he felt like it needed to be taken seriously. "Tell me about him. What's his name?"
"Kurt," Blaine answered immediately, fingers curling tighter around his phone as a wave of people came up the stairs from the subway and he turned away slightly so he wasn't facing into them from where he was standing. "He's... tall. Well, taller than me-and shut up, not everyone is taller than me- and his voice was like... it was beautiful. I could have stood there and listened to him talk all day because it was just so perfect. We barely did, though, and some of the stuff he said... I wouldn't have wanted to hear that again, but... maybe I could deal with it if I just got to look at his eyes because Cooper they were just so gorgeous, I can't even try to tell you what color they were because they were just so much..."
"Ooo..."
"Shut up," Blaine grumbled at him, but it wasn't without a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, because he knew Cooper wouldn't be teasing if he didn't care. That was the other reason that he'd called his brother - not just because he had the experience that Blaine was scared he was going to have himself, but because he genuinely would have wanted to know in the first place. "He's... well... I saw him I felt like if I wanted to, I could fly, as long as he was there with me."
"That's it, right there," Cooper said in a gentle tone, the contentment clear in his voice as he sighed softly. "That's exactly what it is, Blaine. You'll find him, or he'll find you. I don't know what happened but I don't want to waste your time, so you can just tell me later - after tomorrow, but I'll have my phone on if you need anything else before then. Good luck, Squirt."
"Thanks, Coop. I'll talk to you then."
There was only a slight reassurance that settled over Blaine after he hung up and tucked his phone back into his pocket, having quickly set an alarm for the next day in case things ended up taking an even bigger turn for the worse and he wasn't able to find Kurt. He was trying to focus on the little moments of positivity that he'd gotten from his brother, how he'd seemed optimistic there at the end that it was going to work out for Blaine to call him after everything was sorted out and he and Kurt were fine. That was part of what he'd been hoping to get from calling him - that little bit of hope infused back into his life. Cooper may have been ridiculous, and difficult to deal with on some days, but he had a good heart and Blaine knew he could count on him to be there when he needed him.
All Blaine could think of to do was to go back down into the subway station and wait, because he had nowhere else to go. Going home would take him far away, and school wasn't an option either. There was only place he knew of Kurt to be and it was down there, so he had to work with what he had. What was one more day of sitting on a bench and waiting? At least he knew what he was looking for, knew he could rely on the feelings swelling up inside of him to let him know when something was about to happen. That was why he turned around at the top of the stairs, looking down them for a long moment before starting to descend, trying to ignore the pit in his stomach and how everything else inside of him felt like it was starting to twist and knot in on itself. He had to try, and he had nothing else to go on, so he had to try just by being there.
Sitting down on his usual bench was a completely different experience when he knew exactly what he was waiting for - who he was waiting for. Blaine couldn't focus on the work he'd brought with him anymore, not when he could feel time ticking by both slowly and way too fast all at the same time. Every minute he sat there seemed to last forever, the longest minute of his life that far because he was alone and he knew he shouldn't be, but also the fastest because it was another minute wasted without Kurt and there was only so much time before something bad happened because of it. He tried to keep himself from thinking about the possibility of something bad happening but his mind refused to shut it out.
It was just that he had the example so clearly in his head, because he'd seen it happen. Blaine knew it had been years before, and that Cooper was fine and well and happy, but that didn't change the fact that it happened in the first place. Cooper hadn't been fine, or well, or happy, or anything but sick. He'd been suffering heartbreak and the one thing Blaine had told himself from that moment forward in life was that he wasn't going to let that happen to him. He was going to be smarter than Cooper had been, pay better attention, not let himself get lost in the moment and let it slip by, and that was what he'd told himself. In the end, it hadn't mattered what he'd said, how he'd approached any of it, because he was sitting there alone.
Blaine had known that his brother wouldn't have been able to give any real advice when he'd called, because what was there to say? They both knew that there was only so much that could be done in that situation, because trying to chase someone down when he had no idea where they'd gone sounded near impossible. He'd just needed to hear that familiar voice, that reminder that even if things didn't go as planned, he could still make it out okay. That was why he stayed there, because it was the one place he knew to be, and it didn't matter how many trains went whooshing past him or how many people walked by, he was going to stay there as long as he needed to in case Kurt came back.
There was that hope, that he would. Blaine had seen how scared Kurt looked, but maybe once he'd been on that train heading away from him, he'd realized what had happened. Maybe Kurt had realized that Blaine hadn't been lying when he'd said what he did, realized that he'd been feeling those emotions that they'd been told about since before they could even really understand what they were supposed to mean. Blaine knew that he didn't understand why Kurt had gone, and maybe Kurt didn't understand why Blaine had been saying what he had, but the point was supposed to be that they could grow together and through that the understanding would come.
They were strangers -but everyone was strangers.
It was one of the parts that Blaine had always found so intriguing and beautiful because it was almost always going to be a stranger. There was the occasional and very rare instance where people weren't, but he had only ever heard of that once - two people who had grown up being friends and then once they both came of age, the first time they saw each other, it had been like fireworks that had been waiting to go off their entire lives. He'd thought that was beautiful, too, but there was something about getting to meet someone and just knowing from that very first instant that they were the one - like with Kurt.
That was the part that was intriguing, because here was this brand new person that he wanted to know everything about and all he had was a first name. Blaine knew there would be time, because they had the rest of their lives - that was, unless their lives were cut short because of how their first meeting had gone so poorly and they never got the chance to make it right. He wasn't trying to think about that possibility, though, because he had to keep focused on the positive. The positive was Kurt - the lightness that had been in his eyes there at the beginning, the warmth from his hand when it had been in Blaine's, the way his coat had looked so soft and cozy, how his jawline had been so sharp but at the same time soft because his skin was so fair.
The positive was that Blaine was going to get to spend the rest of his life learning what made him tick. He was going to learn who his favorite author was, favorite food, ice cream flavor, whether he preferred summer to winter or autumn to spring. What was the movie he could watch over and over without ever growing tired of it? What was the most played song in his music library - and what music did he have in there that was a secret from most because it was that much of a guilty pleasure? How did he get his hair to swoop up like that so perfectly and still look like it would be soft to touch despite the fact that there was obviously a fair amount of product in it to keep it from falling? There were so many questions that Blaine was sure he might pop, but it wasn't as though he didn't have time. He had it, he believed he did, and so he had to think he could get the answers to all of them at one point or another.
He had time, but the problem was that he was running on a clock that was ticking so loudly he didn't know what else to focus on.
Blaine sat on that bench, not moving, not working, not able to do anything but sit and wait. He had his headphones in to keep people from bothering him, a tactic that was tried and true and usually worked well enough, but his playlists would keep running out and he wouldn't notice for the longest time before realizing all he could hear was the sound of the underground and nothing else. There were no melodies to keep him occupied, none that he noticed above the others when the music actually was playing, so even that didn't give him distraction or solace as he sat vigil.
It was hours upon hours like he'd never been there before, on a constant ride of the roller coaster between hope and despair because despite his want to believe that everything would work, the nagging thought that it might not would enter his mind. That was the problem with having no ability to focus on something tangible, because he would have loved to be able to pull out of one of his books and read while he sat, but the one time he tried it resulted in him reading over the same paragraph at least fifteen times before he realized he still didn't know what it said. The book had been quickly shut and put back in its place inside his bag, hope in that distraction completely lost.
The knots twisting at his insides didn't leave the entire time, seeming to get worse the longer he was there, to the point where Blaine thought his internal organs might start ripping themselves apart. That was what it felt like they were gearing up to do, after all. He wondered what that would be like, which one would go for the other - whether his appendix would even come into consideration since it didn't really do anything in the first place. That was the moment when Blaine thought he might have actually gotten delusional because he was dreaming up battles and wars between the organs inside him, and he made himself get up and stretch his legs for a few minutes by pacing next to his bench and keeping from curling up and potentially making them twist together more.
He didn't leave all night, and staying awake was a lot easier than he thought it was going to be. Then again, it would have been difficult to fall asleep with his mind so active in its musings and worries, with how the pain and panic kept spreading the longer he was there. He knew it wasn't because he was there, it was because he was there and Kurt still wasn't. The early morning hours were the worst, because there were less things to try and attempt to distract himself - less people around, fewer trains running because of the lack of interest, and no more people busking and drawing him out of his thoughts even for the briefest moment when they would start up and make him lift his head to see what was happening.
Kurt didn't come back during the night, and he didn't come back in the morning, and by the time the alarm on Blaine's phone went off - and he was lucky it had done so at all since the battery was almost completely run down - he had all but abandoned hope for Kurt even have existed in the first place.
The ringer on the alarm blared into his ears through his headphones that had been tucked there for hours without him taking them out, without him even listening to anything to give them a reason to be there, and Blaine glanced down to see the screen as he swiped his thumb across it to turn the alarm off. He'd almost hit snooze, a habit from his mornings, but if there was ever a time he had to pay attention to his alarm and stick by it, it was right then. It wasn't an alarm for him to wake up, for him to get out of bed, it was the one that Cooper had told him to set because just in case he didn't find Kurt, things were going to get rough and he needed to try and be ahead of it. That was what he had to do.
Blaine got up from the bench, legs stiff and feeling heavy from lack of use, and he stretched out a little to try and get his body to cooperate. It was difficult, because everything felt worlds worse than it had before, and even more so since he'd gotten up. His heart felt heavy and like it was going to weigh down his chest to the ground, or drop from his ribcage and down through his feet because his chest wasn't able to support the weight anymore. Everything hurt in him and each step felt like slow torture, like he was walking closer to his fate with every movement, but he couldn't just stay there and sit because that would be resigning himself to what was happening even worse than what he was actually doing.
Hailing a taxi had never been more difficult or important, and as soon as he was it with the door closed, all Blaine could manage to do was tell the driver where to take him before falling silent and trying not to curl up into a ball against the backseat. "Hospital, I need to go to the nearest hospital..."
It wasn't an uncommon occurrence, he supposed, and while he was thankful for it in that moment it was sad overall. How many times did taxi drivers get someone in their cab for the same reason? He had to hope that people would be smart, like Cooper had taught him to be, and plan for the worst case scenario and know what to do, but he wasn't sure. Cooper hadn't known, he'd just been lucky that someone who had been around had noticed and called for an ambulance. Blaine would have called 911, but his phone was almost dead anyway and the taxi had been right there whereas an ambulance would have taken too long.
Maybe that was why the taxi drivers were so good at navigating when they needed to be - none of the dilly dallying and wasting time to drive up the fares - because despite the fact that it was New York City and the traffic would always be bad, Blaine could tell from where he was slumped back against his seat that they were moving faster than he would have expected. His taxi driver didn't want him to die there in the back of his cab. If they were breaking laws and almost causing accidents in order to get to the hospital quicker, he had no idea and he didn't want to know, he didn't care, he just knew he had to get there because being out in the regular world and knowing what was coming was even more terrifying than seeing Kurt get on that train and leave. It was more terrifying because it meant he might not ever get to see him again.
Blaine had never had reason to go to a hospital in the entire time he'd lived in the city, so he couldn't have said for sure which one was closest to him or even where the one he ended up was, but it didn't matter because he got there fast enough and barely managed to dig his wallet out of his pocket to pay the driver before the door was being pulled open from the outside and people were helping him out of it and into a wheelchair to make it inside. It was all so much a blur, the process of getting into the building and them trying to get the information they needed out of him, but he knew at some point he'd just handed them his wallet and phone because at least then they would have his information and a way to find the people they might need to contact.
Beyond that, he didn't know what happened, he just knew every part of his body was in pain and he could barely focus on anything long enough to answer anything they asked because his mind was refusing to cooperate. It had focus on one thing and one thing only, the one person that mattered in the world because without him it didn't mean anything.
"Kurt, I need Kurt..."
There was no recollection of being taken to a room, being set up in a bed, but Blaine found himself there anyway. All hospitals had that special wing where no one hoped to end up (though most people preferred to stay out of any and all parts of a hospital, but that wing in particular was the most feared of all) and that was exactly where he'd ended up. He felt ridiculous being there and laying down in bed, looking up at the ceiling when his eyes cooperated and would let him open them, but he doubted he could have moved if he'd tried. It had been difficult enough to get to the street, to the taxi, and he hadn't been on his feet since he'd gotten in the cab. He didn't know if he'd be able to stand, should he attempt it.
Maybe that was the one thing that was scarier than the thought that he might not see Kurt again - that he was stuck there in that bed, paralyzed by the agony in his chest, the complete ache of his heart as it felt like it was tearing itself into pieces, and he couldn't do anything to stop it.
It occurred to him in a fleeting, barely there thought that his parents didn't know. With Cooper they'd known, they'd been there, but Blaine hadn't even mentioned a word to them since that first feeling and there was the possibility they might not ever know. He squeezed his eyes shut purposefully to try and keep that thought from floating through his mind again, because it felt like one of the few ways anything could get worse. Cooper would have called them, he was sure, because Cooper may have been hopeful for him but he wasn't an idiot. If Cooper had called they would know about Kurt, and then the hospital had his phone so if they went through it to find his emergency contacts then his parents would know he was there. He wasn't sure he wanted them there with him, but he couldn't stand the thought of them not even knowing and then him being gone.
You'll find him, or he'll find you.
Blaine kept repeating Cooper's words in his head because they were like a mantra for him to focus on instead of everything else that was trying to scare him into submission. The words ran through his mind over and over, intermingled with all the good parts he could remember from his few moments with Kurt - before the panic had hit either of them, before Kurt had thought he was lying and booked it out of there on the train. He could remember the exact color of his eyes, the way they'd been so full of apologies for running into him even though Blaine hadn't cared in the first place and cared less when he'd seen who it was. If he thought hard enough, he could start to map out the freckles that dusted across Kurt's cheeks and nose, and all he could think about when he saw those was how much he wanted to trace his fingers across them, to spend hours memorizing their exact pattern and maybe even trying to count them.
Between Kurt's freckles and eyes, and the little section at the front of his hair that had been lighter than the rest in the way it swooped up from his forehead and stayed so impeccable even when he was walking quickly through a crowd of people who'd no doubt been jostling him as he'd passed, Blaine had enough to focus on with Cooper's words to keep him from feeling entirely like he was coming crashing to the ground so hard and fast that there was no way he wasn't going to break into a million pieces.
Falling asleep was like torture, because Blaine didn't want to sleep for fear of not waking up. He knew he hadn't slept in over a day and his body might have wanted him to, but his body was also screaming for him to move, to leave, to try and find who he'd lost. His mind had the upper hand in that battle, because he knew he couldn't. He couldn't move, he couldn't leave, and he definitely couldn't try to find Kurt because of both of those reasons. Lying there in that bed made him feel the most defeated he’d ever been in his entire life, because it felt like giving up. Everything about it felt like he'd given up after trying so hard in the best ways he could.
That was why he'd been sedated so he could sleep - well, that and the pain that had been keeping him from being able to slip off into slumber.
It was a restless sleep, full of dreams that verged into nightmares. Kurt was there in them, in every single one, and the story varied slightly each time but it always ended the same. Maybe they met in a coffee shop, or at college, or in a park, or anywhere else in the world, the possibilities flying through his mind while he slept were endless, but no matter where they met and started talking, it would always end with Kurt walking away and Blaine not being able to catch up. He would run after him but it was never enough before Kurt would disappear around a corner, or through a door, or anywhere, and Blaine wouldn't be able to find him again.
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