the wheels on the bus...
Hidey Ho there!
So as per usual I haven't updated in a while and I think its about that time again.
In the past few months A LOT has has happened...
1. I went to Vegas (yay)
Had an amazing time but if I ever go again i think more of a friend based trip will be needed!
2. Quit my job at Canes(yay)
No explanation there...def needed to be done!
3. Finally bit the bullet and moved home to New Orleans
Things were going great at first, but I guess since I've been on my own for forever that it's a very hard transition for both parties involved. It's not that I am not wanted it's just that I do not belong here...not in the least bit actually. I have to find my own place soon (i am not just saying that..i actually have too) They just do not understand or really know who I am anymore and judge me on every thing..."Samantha this, Samantha that.." nothing ever positive is retorted. Its like I dont even exist to them...I guess you would have to be here to understand it. Everyone is always so glum in the household..no smiles..no jokes..no loving outreaches...It's just weird. For example..the other day It was very apparent that I was upset about something (I had been crying, and you could def tell) and they just looked at me then looked the other way...They didnt say anything to me. Sometimes I swear that if I broke my leg in front of them they wouldnt notice. As the years pass I've come to realize that that just how things are and will remain. It makes me question the future though. Whenever I get married will they even be there? When I have kids will they be involved? Its just little things that matter to me that I know I will probably have to do on my own. I know, I know why should I care if thats how its been for years...I can't explain why and thats what concerns me...Maybe I wasn't meant for this...
4. Marshall was diagnosed with cancer
This has probably been my biggest issue as of lately. I honestly just do not know what to do. There's all this pressure on me all the time, and I honestly cannot handle it. I'm beginning to turn bitter and find myself pulling away and it's even to the point where I just do not check my phone as frequently (and for me that is a HUGE deal) I'm expected by all to be Mary fucking sunshine all the itime OR its the other extreme : "why arent you upset and crying about it all the time, what is wrong with you, dont you care???" ughhh I'm terrified to tell him whether I have a bad day because I do not want to bring him down and def dont want my problems to take precedence over his condition (because I know thats how he'll take it) He deff needs someone to make him smile and lift his spirits but its kind of hard to do so when I am dealing with my shit too. He wants me to move to Dallas in October when he moves back there. I just dont think that I can do this...i just can't. I know that this is when he really needs me to be by he side cheering him on through recovery...but i am just scared and know that i will not be happy up there. Dont get me wrong now it would be wonderful to be with him...but what about the rest of my life and my goals an dreams? They do not lie anywhere near the state border! Do not take this the wrong way but what if something happens up there? I am not confident in myself enough to take proper care of things. I just feel that if I move I would soon resent it. So am I just expected to drop everything I have (my job, family, friends, etc..) pack it all away in a tote and convert to sayings like "Dont mess with Texas?" I am already unstable and moving to Texas would just ice the cake...so pretty much if I do not make the decision to move its over completely...what's a girl to do? I do not want him to be alone by any means but what if I am just a crutch ya know? Just someone he has right now that he loves (not necessarily in love with, but just has the illusion of such things) to help him get back on his feet...maybe i am just rambling now...but I do not know what else to do...i am so utterly and unbelievably lost :(
6. Started new job that I actually like
Things are looking up in this department at least. Just waiting to find out when and where I have to move :)
7. Have been to Baton Rouge almost every week since I moved
I am tired of driving up there lol and seriously should have just stated put up there :(
8. FINISHED PAYING OFF MY DEBT...OMG YAYA !!!!WTF AMAZINGNESS!!!!!
9. My Wisdom teeth are coming in and are hurting like a motha!!!!
I am sure theres more but i am tired.....